Hi, Erilia! It's been a while, haha I haven't reviewed in quite a bit, so please excuse any gruffness or rustiness that I might have. Anyways, don't think you have to take anything I say seriously. Let's begin!
First of all, the transition between the first stanza and the second is absolutely flawless. I expected the first stanza to be completely unrelated to the rest of the poem - while it holds power in its own, it doesn't have anything to do with the rest of the poem except in some obscure way only the author sees. Some famous poets do this and it annoys me, but you transitioned flawlessly.
I was confused at the "your own trap" part. If the fly was stuck in the spider's web, then wouldn't it be stuck in another's trap? While I understand what you're saying, but I would remove the "your own" and change it to other wording.
"has been there far too long" would flow better if you put "for" behind "far", in my opinion.
You don't have to do this - it's a picky thing - but I would separate the lines "has been there far too long./and yet," to make separate stanzas to show the next main idea. Again, it's a picky thing.
Instead of a period in "your breaths that come too quickly at night will never be known.", I would add a semicolon instead to connect the next line. It would introduce some grammatical variety and would make it flow better.
Some of the formatting makes me uncomfortable (when the sentences are separated in strange places, i.e., the last two stanzas), and I don't know if that's intentional or not. If it is, good job! If it's not, then still good job, since it feels right for the poem.
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem! You did well. I love your poems in general, so it's not really a surprise for me. Sorry, I'm not great with praise, haha. Keep doing what you're doing!
Tschuss!
~~Kara
Points: 15980
Reviews: 364
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