Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic


Ocean

by erilea


i am drowning in an ocean salted by my tears.

the overpowering waves beat me closer to shore and my feet

can almost touch the sandy bottom but--

i am washed out again.

there are voracious sharks in these waters

that would like nothing more to devour my failing heart

but i swim the best i can

and manage to stay afloat.

i scream that i am drowning but you must not hear me--

you,

the handsome lifeguard in the 90's movies we used to watch,

who stands on the shore and looks out onto the ocean

but doesn't see a thing.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
200 Reviews


Points: 60
Reviews: 200

Donate
Fri Dec 23, 2016 10:57 pm
kman134 wrote a review...



Hi. this is kman134. i'm here to review.

First off, this is pretty good. the emotional and symbolic representation of the ocean was brilliantly pieced together.

"i am drowning in an ocean salted by my tears.

the overpowering waves beat me closer to shore and my feet

can almost touch the sandy bottom but--

i am washed out again."

this was my favorite part. i don't know why, but the first part is always the best. there was so much emotional energy in it. it had such a somber feel in each sentence.

"the handsome lifeguard in the 90's movies we used to watch,

who stands on the shore and looks out onto the ocean

but doesn't see a thing."

the obvious reference to Baywatch was also put in vividly, showing the romanticism of beach life, but the reality of it is much too disturbing.

Anyways, this is pretty good. i hope to read more.




User avatar
172 Reviews


Points: 3069
Reviews: 172

Donate
Fri Dec 23, 2016 8:19 pm
fukase wrote a review...



Hi,
This is a good poem, but not as romantic as I expected it to be since you told us that this will be a romance poem. Anyway good try though, but I don't see the points of this poem being a romantic poem till ninth line.

Before the ninth line, it could be anything, you know. It can't be just a love struggle but it also can be a person's suffering from anxiety disorder or depression. The scenes you portrayed to us are wide. So if you told me that this is a romantic poem, I can't really say it is even though you hinted at us at the ninth line and the rest, it still can be anything. Like a mom that doesn't understand her daughter's struggle and she can't see a thing about her daughter's struggle.

My first point here is, be more concrete. If you want this to be a love poem, then write one that relates and focuses at the thing you wanted to write.

I like your diction and your tone. It flows so nice and good till the end of the poem. Nothing is too forced or abrupt. As if this poem reminds me of a slam poet named Bianca Phipps. You have her beautiful style diction like the usage of tears being saltwater. And the part I really love when you focus on the tenth line "you,". Honestly, I can hear Bianca's voice. Well never mind that though. If you don't know who is her, here is a link to her video.

Well, let's go for some meats.

First.

i am drowning in an ocean salted by my tears.

I don't really feel that this first line really provokes the readers in. First reason, it is because I think it's quite overused to use "I'm drowning". When people use it commonly, this phrase doesn't really feel appealing, but boring and cliche. You can actually change its wording a little. Instead of writing "I'm drowning", why don't you twist it a little to make it looks fresher, more provoking?

Second.
i am drowning in an ocean salted by my tears.
the waves beat me closer to shore and my feet
can almost touch the sandy bottom but--
i am washed out again.

Seriously, when I read this first four lines, I don't feel anything for the person that's drowning there... because there isn't really a reason to begin with. Try to relate with your readers. Imagine you as a stranger to this poem. Then, you read this poem, and think how would you respond after reading it. I found this method quite useful. And plus, if you can like, leave your poem for a week and then come back and read it again, you might find something you want to fix.

Third.
there are sharks in these waters
that would like nothing more to devour my heart
but i swim the best i can
and manage to stay afloat.

Again, as I said above, reasons! Provide us some reason that actually makes sense. I know the sharks are metaphors, but why the sharks are chasing this person. For me, I think it is best to provide reasons for the readers to support the person in the poem. It makes total no sense when the sharks just chase them without any logical reason.

Fourth.
i screamed that i was drowning but you must not have heard me--
you,
who stands on the shore and looks out onto the ocean
but doesn't see a thing.

I just love the ending. It actually clarifies everything up. Although this sounds like contradicting to my statements above, I, too, feel it is necessary to subtly add some of these last four lines to the introduction. Just subtly, not too much, but a little bit of hint. Although it is good to keep the best for the last though, but it doesn't necessarily true.

Overall, I like this poem. Even though you stated in the descriptions that this is your attempt at romance poems, but you can do better.

Keep writing.

~memo

**EDITED**

I just realized that you actually edited this poem when I wrote this review. Well, nonetheless, I've no comments for your changes, but don't misunderstand me, I did like some of your changes in the poem. ^_^




User avatar
1080 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Donate
Fri Dec 23, 2016 7:58 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

So this poem is interesting and I clicked because 1.) the title 'ocean' and I like to see the usage of sea/ocean imagery 2.) that this was an attempt at romance poetry. I actually don't mind this poem for what it is, though it didn't really touch me as a romance poem? The main thing that I first noticed is the style that you have which is something that I find to have potential. More specifically the style of imagery that you have and the wording that you use along with it. I wanted more active imagery than just what was here and I can see that being a strength of the poem if you focused more on it. What I mean by 'active imagery' is that you aren't just saying something or you aren't just using an adjective to describe something. Make it feel alive.

Give us a new perspective with your imagery to visualize something in. Something that I think would be beneficial for this poem is more focus on sensory detail. Is the sand hot? Is it etching hieroglyphics into the speaker's feet? It's exactly what it sounds like: details of the senses. You can use these to your advantage to help immerse your reader into the poem. Something that I felt was lacking in the poem was emotional weight behind your lines. I didn't really feel much of the theme of the poem and there doesn't always have to be a clear and cut-out theme, and it shouldn't be that way, but I do want more direction in the poem because I didn't feel much of the romance.

More focus on 'you' as that's who the poem is seemingly addressed to and they're not really mentioned until the end of the poem. The last thing I wanted to touch on is the flow of the poem, which turned out to sort of be its weakness due to the wording being awkward. It's something that I suggest focusing on and when you move things around and try and word them differently it usually fixes that problem as well as reading them aloud. You're in the right direction for a romance poem in that it doesn't have to be completely romance-oriented and that there can be other things involved while writing that.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




User avatar
39 Reviews


Points: 1872
Reviews: 39

Donate
Fri Dec 23, 2016 7:54 pm
View Likes
Squirtlepowiee wrote a review...



Haiii!

I love this poem. I have a few questions. Is the entire thing not capitalized on purpose? Also, when you are writing something, try keep a consistent 'tense' in your writing. Are you writing in past or present tense? For example, "i am washed out again." is in past tense. "i screamed that i was drowning but you must not have heard me" screamed is in past tense as well. The rest of the poem is in present tense. Overall, I really like it! Keep writing!

Greetings from Squirtlepowiee :D





When Larry King retires in 120 years John Mulaney should replace him.
— The Internet