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Young Writers Society



​Chickens Aspiring (Acrostic)

by fatherfig


can you hear the chicks

laying out their sorrows for you

under wing and underfoot so easily crushed

condolences for the ones lost on the way here and

kind praise for the ones at the finish line with their beaks held high


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Sat Feb 04, 2023 4:10 am
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alliyah says...



This poem goes delightfully well with your current avvie! Friendly reminder there's a chicken genre now if you'd like to utilize it! <3 Lovely poem gem!




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Thu Sep 02, 2021 3:25 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey!! Forever here with a review!!

Let me try a review template for reviewing this. Two at once. :D

first impression

Wow! I really love the acrostic. I am reading a lot of new things and this acrostic is one of them. You definitely got a great word. Cluck. It definitely had a lot of emotions in it- sadness, happiness and also other minute emotions. Now I would just go with the meaning of the poem. It was not what can be called very clear but I would try interpreting the poem. Now obviously the poem starts with a bit of melancholic tune and the genre is also health. It kind of seems likes the chicks are being crushed by human beings due to some reason and I am confused about the last line. Is it thatvwe should praise the chickens shi succeeded in the long run and express condolences for the ones who died? Hm... Makes sense.

constructive criticism

I kind of feel that the poem doesn't have a very smooth flow. You have gotta work a bit on that. Also the length of the lines. I don't know if it was intentional but they keep increasing in length. As for the first 4 lines, it doesn't sound very bad but the 5th line doesn't go with the flow. It feels like a sudden increase in the length. It's just a suggestion but you could capitalize the first letter of each line and if you do that, the need of writing the acrostic in the title can also be elluded. Just saw it on Google. :)

positive encouragement

I really like the material of the poem. At first I thought it would be a light poem on chickens but it turned out to be something else, kind of a fight for the animals. It makes us think about the fate of these innocent animals in a World of ruthless human beings. It expresses pity for these animals who are regularly killed simply because of some stupid reasons. Overall, it was quite a good poem.

Keep Writing!

~Forever

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Tue Sep 08, 2020 1:20 am
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Ljungtroll wrote a review...



Hey, LadyGemstone! Raven here with a review for ya.

Well, this one hit a little harder than I expected it to. The acrostic (which I of course read before the actual poem) led me to expect something more humorous, and then I got slammed with this tiny tragedy. Gracious, Gem!

Despite the grief I feel for these little chicks, I do love what you did with the poem and its title. The idea of the young chicks aspiring to grow older, to reach adulthood, was a really cute concept to tackle and a very unique take on the chicken poetry.

I'm afraid I don't have any critiques to offer; this was a very short and succinct poem. It's a pretty low-maintenance piece and gets its point across perfectly, so A+ for that. If anything, I'd say it could use maybe a stanza or two more, but that would ruin the acrostic side of things.

This poem surprised me in a great way. It could be taken as a metaphor or symbol for lots of things, and the fact that the lines spell out "cluck" adds a slightly lighthearted feel that would not otherwise be there. Great job! Like I said, it could be a bit longer but that would ruin the acrostic.

That's all I have for you, unfortunately. Happy RevMo and happy writing!

Best wishes,
RavenLord

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fatherfig says...


Thank you <3



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Sat Sep 05, 2020 6:57 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hi Gem! I appreciate you taking the time to write a chicken poem! :)

Genre
So I think one of my favorite things about this poem is that you put it in the "health" category; and I meditated over what that might mean -> emotional health, physical health, health of humans, health of chickens, etc. I'm really not sure ... but I found that thought provoking in itself.

If you intended the poem to be in the health-genre you may want to allude to connections to that a bit more, or else I really wish YWS had a "nature" genre.

Meaning
So there are two ways I think the poem could be interpreted, that both kind of hinge on the word "crushed" -> I think if you'd like the poem not to be as ambiguous you'll want to clarify especially that line.

1) Meaning one - I think you can interpret this poem to be about small chickens getting squashed; which is pretty horribly sad! In this way it could perhaps be an animal rights poem? I'm not sure; I thought at first that perhaps the title was even meant to be aspirating rather than aspiring within that interpretation -> the problem with this interpretation is that the last line would make no sense in that context.

2) Meaning two - I think the word crushed could mean like "hopes crushed" rather than a physical crush, which makes the poem more about rising and falling in spirit -> which I feel is a bit more wholesome, and the title of "Chickens aspiring" feels like it catches on to some hope then.

Form
Good usage of the vertical word in this one! The vertical word answers the question of the poem of the "can you hear" I think that the way you've set the capitalization and had each line increase in length also was fitting, it felt like each line was digging deeper into the story and drawing out more of the scene - the lines flowed really nicely too and the sentences didn't seem stilted or forced too.

Language
It's sometimes hard to evoke strong emotion with formal language; and I feel like this poem veers a bit more to the formal and academic language - I think that adds a bit of elegance and distance to the piece, but I would definitely be interested in hearing a more casual version too - I think it may allow the emotions of the piece to get explored more organically. I'd definitely recommend trying out a few language styles to see what fits best and seems most fitting with your poetic voice. Nice job varying word choice so there wasn't a lot of word repetition, and there was a mixture of mental analysis and physical imagery which is generally good to have a balance of.

Suggestions

For consistency I would write "underwing" as one word since you write "underfoot" as one, and I really think they both can be one word, I don't think it'll reduce clarity, but will make the line look cleaner.

I feel like there's a few logical steps missing as far as understanding the whole story of what's happening to these chickens - I know it's hard to fit much within the short scope of an acrostic, but you might consider making the story more direct in favor of clarity within the short space -> for instance I'm really unclear with what the trial and tribulation the chicken is facing? Is it a food factory? A farmer? The weather? what's going on? Why are some being lost and others being praised?

Moral

The poem itself hold a bit of an odd moral that I think is worth examining - > I don't think poems always have to advocate "right morality" or that the viewpoint of the speaker is necessarily always what the poem itself is advocating for. But I think it is worth mentioning, because literature always hold some responsibility. I think the "moral" you're presenting in the poem - within the first three lines is something like "have sympathy for the least of these" but then your last two lines almost contradict that message by specifically praising the ones who are "at the finish line with their beaks held high" - since the other chickens were crushed by no fault of their own; why are the chickens who made it being praised? what did they do to deserve praise beyond just not being crushed? Definitely something to consider.


Overall, I'm always happy to read more chicken poetry! Thanks for posting this interesting piece!

-alliyah
Happy Review Month!
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fatherfig says...


Thank you<3



fatherfig says...


Thank you<3



fatherfig says...


Thank you<3



fatherfig says...


Thank you<3



fatherfig says...


Thank you<3



fatherfig says...


Thank you<3



fatherfig says...


Thank you<3



fatherfig says...


Thank you<3



fatherfig says...


Thank you<3



fatherfig says...


Thank you<3



fatherfig says...


Thank you<3



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Sat Sep 05, 2020 1:22 am
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lillianna says...



WAIT ARE THE CHICKENS GETTING STEPPED ON. I’M SORRY WHAT





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