choking on sunshine with my little friend
his time was not mine, though while i could i held his hand,
pictureframes smiling in grey, scarlette roses on a grave
tears falling in crescendos like the pain,
thinking of places he left vacant, never the same.
they say one person can change the world, and they're right he left it changed.
silences grow as i wander past his old home,
i imagine a beautiful painted house, but how things fade.
his parents mourn him everyday losing all youth in their faces.
its hard to not imagine him with me when i see beautiful places,
and im left snatching at little traces.
sometimes i hear his footsteps,
sometimes i smell his cologne,
every day i miss his voice,
but i know its gone....
every day im choking on sunshine.
i see the rays and i want to go home,
i see a parade and i want to tear it down.
i miss his face, and sometimes i think
he's still waiting at home
or i'll see him at school
but no....
my little friend
is gone.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
This is stellar work! Love the use of visual language to get the point across. You've also picked a theme that many readers can connect with; losing people, especially those we are close to, leaves a deep impression and you capture that feeling nicely. I think the one thing I will fault this on is your rhyming scheme, throughout the poem it is there but sometimes lines don't rhyme like the others which breaks the flow. Maybe I just missed something but I had it happen a few times. Overall, a solid work!
thank you
Hey, Gem.
This poem... it's beautiful. The raw sorrow, the tremulous rhythm, and your excellent choice of words leave me nearly speechless. I felt the grief roll in waves off this poem. I felt the pang of each line.
I was just thinking about death and how terrible it is for those who lose a loved one, and I saw this. It just clicked. Your lines hauntingly sing to me in this moment.
"choking on sunshine" is such a brilliant, beautiful way to describe grief. The memories and wishes scattered between the lines add to the sense of loss.
It's amazing. I can't bring myself to criticize a single aspect of it.
tysm <333333