Young Writers Society

Hello, i believe this is a very beautiful poem and very realistic about humanity's desire to reach the sky even though they're stuck on the ground. I've often had many dreams about flying and i've enjoyed almost all of them. You describe human emotion very well, i gould feel the worry of being swallowed by the pot. I like the way you said blue serenity and my favourite lines are

"heavy darkness, evil thoughts,

sadness, harshness, all that's lost, oh

what deep defiance. there is no silence,

I can't think for all my thinking!"

I love how you said i can't think for all my thinking, it's ironic and well placed. You endre the poem beautifully, highlighting that desire for freedom and independence.

Hey, Gem, I really like this poem!
I can't criticise anything except the first two stanzas; in the first, the starting line is one thought and the next three lines are another. Sot it's slightly confusing and disrupts the rhythm of the poem. In the second, the ending feels a little weak.

Actually, I think this poem would be way better if there were no stanzas. It's melodic and really nice, so they actually make rather unnecessary breaks.
I also want to say that the entire idea is wonderful and extremely relatable. The urge to be free, to fly, is something we all feel. unfortunately, most of us are chained down by sadness and dark thoughts. Just a note; I love the synaesthetic feel that the line "heavy darkness" brings into the poem!

I really think you're restraining yourself with stanzas and wordcount, so explode! Let your feelings fly!
Once more, it's brilliant. Hats off to you!

- Lee

Hi Ladygemstone!

I'm really liking the imagery in some of these lines. IDK why but it gives me the impression of someone having a weight tied to their leg and having that weight drag them down underwater the oppressiveness near the end starts to get to the reader. I liked the phrase green gravity and the line deep defiance there is no silence. my only thing is the punctuation I'm not a huge fan of punctuation in poetry but that's a me thing literally everybody who reviews my work says I need it but I associate punctuation with really structured writing so I don't add it. Again not so much a recommendation more of a personal preference.

Good Work!

Hey Gem! I'm here to review!

I can tell this is very personal, and my guess is it's a description of your ups and downs? You captured it perfectly and I can really feel your frustration in being pulled down by the gravity. Being able to make your reader feel something is a real talent, so good job <3

That being said, I'll move on to some technical nitpicks and stuff.

I see white space

I feel a trace of nostalgia

from a place

I've never known

*

I feel the fingers

on my skin, time is

touching me from within

and I don't know why, but

I see white space

I feel a trace of nostalgia

from a place

I've never known

oh god, I'm sinking down.

way down, way down, I can see the bottom

of the pit. it feels so close, so close... I don't

want to be there, I don't want to see there!