Hello there, Gem<3
I guess I'm back again with another review. Not gonna lie, but I saw this work dated in august plus classified in the humour genre so I knew I had to review this. It's like killing two birds in one stone for my revmo checklist lol.
So talking about the humour part of this poem: Frankly, I didn't see it? I'm not certain if it's because I'm just slow, but I didn't find anything comical or hilarious in the poem. It's more of the speaker finding this newfound strength in herself. It was the strength to never fall for this "you's" trick. It's also a metaphor of her frustration, confusion, and realisation. I genuinely took this more seriously than I expected.
It did have some sarcasm, in particular, calling this "you" the speaker's "dear" --> I actually love that touch because we all know that this "you" is anything but dear to the speaker, yet he/she chooses to use that endearment because at some point, this "you" did meant a huge chunk to her.
I also like the phrasing of "angel's bane" because, usually what we could think about as an "angel's bane" is the devil. Of course, not on every occasion and this poem is one of those. In fact, the speaker wanted to differentiate him/herself from "you" who is the "devil." It was a subtle way of saying that she/he might be terrible, but not as bad as this "you." This was genuinely the striking part for me ^^
Okii, I'll move on to a few of my critiques now:
I think you do it on purpose just to build a fire
and when the firerages and burns into my core
I'm not sure if this is intentional but I just want you to be aware about the repetition in the two consecutive lines ^^ Frankly, I prefer changing the second fire to "it," instead because the repetition doesn't really add meaning nor impact to the poem.
Also, sorry for being harsh but I've come across the second line's syntax before (partially romantic and partially to show fury). I suggest making it more you? On what degree/strength does the fire burn? What does the burn feel like? Hopefully it makes sense but when did the fire rage? What triggered it? >> this could add some specificity.
and to sing my anger to an empty stage
This was an abrupt change of setting. From the fire & water combo, you moved on to singing & stage. I have two options in fixing this: one is showing the change of setting by dividing it to a different stanza; and two, continue the fire metaphor.
Personally, I prefer if you continue the fire metaphor. Do you know the poem Do not go gentle into that good night by Dylan Thomas? In here, he continually used the metaphor of night to connote death and light for life. I liked the idea that you'll never mention the word "anger" -- let that be your focal point and go around its perimetres. It's much more engaging for a reader if the poem had concrete descriptions/representation for something abstract. Not only that but you came back to the fire metaphor from the line:
my rage is drenched the fire is killed
So it would be nice if you were loyal to it.
would crush me and not touch you
so I'm forced to try on your shoe
it doesn't fit it never will
^^These lines after the stage/singing are also a mix of different settings. How would singing crush the person? That's a synapse that might need some filling. And the shoe -> fit is quite a well-known idiom. If you want to continue with the "shoe thing" (or generally the change of setting) though, I suggest putting on a better transition, between fire --> stage --> shoe.
What if the fire started on the stage and the shoe caught the first flakes? Ooooohhh I dunno. It's just an idea oof.
In the highlighted part + the line that comes after it, they don't seem to connect/ is suitable? I interpreted the shoe not fitting as the inability to empathise nor sympathise with this "you." Wouldn't that lead to heightened frustration?
There's also another couplet that have clashing settings:
and suddenly again you are a devil and throw one to many stones
I lash out the lights flicker, as I take the blame
I understand the throwing stones → devil relation but where did the lights come from?
My last critique would be your punctuation. I know this is a stylistic choice but you've used it in the lines
I lash out the lights flicker, as I take the blame
I must be terrible- an angel's bane
I think you do it on purpose dear.
But the other lines are free from it. It comes off really inconsistent. If you're going to choose whether to add punctuation or scrap all of them, I suggest the former. Having a few pauses whilst the speaker is filled with anger is powerful - it shows the attempt to restrain. And especially with the shoe -> fit a punctuation would mean that the speaker was somehow thinking it through whether trying it on was worth it or not.
That's all I could say
Hopefully, there were no ramblings. Feel free to ask me for clarifications! Keep writing sis <3 <3
Hope my review helped you,
Points: 5134
Reviews: 81
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