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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey fatherfig!
I've got to say, you captured an emotion I've been feeling very strongly recently, and for me, it makes this poem that much more beautiful and also heartbreaking. <3 I really appreciate you sharing it!
I love how you start this poem with "and," you've just dropped us into a situation that's been ongoing for a long time, and it feels really natural to just roll along like that.
Since there are few words in this poem, I guess I just want to push on the second line a little bit. I felt like "worn in" was a bit of an unexpected combo -- I think in my brain I just read "i'd worn for" and skipped the in. Is "worn in" kind of more like breaking in shoes? It might be interesting to add something like "worn holes in" so when we get to the next line, "absolutely irreparable," there's an image to support that statement. Just an idea!
I like the tension here between the really firm knowledge that the boots/the relationship is "absolutely irreparable," but still feeling the ache. You've stated it so simply and so firmly here that it works really well.
Ooh. These lines have got me thinking through them over and over. Heart longing for familiarity? That I get. The familiarity itself being a "broken promise"? Oofer. Again, you sum some heavy feelings up really succinctly and firmly.
I really like how the sea imagery pairs well with boots/feet/walking in and washing things away.
I do think these two lines fell a little more flat for me than the others, and I think it's because I was a little confused about what was going on visually (and I guess also metaphorically). Is the reaching into the sea with the feet, or just with hands?? And when the feet plunge in the second time, is that into the sea, or into the boots?? It seems we didn't see a first time plunging into the sea, and we also haven't seen the boots come off, so that confused me a bit.
Totally fine if you're internally referring to things that aren't in the scope of this poem! I just was slightly confused from the context so far. Also on that note, although I like the sea/tears connection, there's such a tight focus to this poem that it felt strange to me to stray too far from the feet and ocean line of thought.
I really like this ending. To me, it seems like it can read either as the narrator continuing to try despite being painfully aware of the damage, or maybe as doing something they know will end up tearing the other person away because they can't stay as is.
I wonder if the narrator is "trying to take you for a walk" in the ocean? I was sort of imagining them wading through the water after those last couple of ocean lines, so it would be interesting to see an indication of "for a walk in the ocean/in the water" or "tear away in the surf" or something if that's the case.
Again, I just really love this poem. I think part of it is because your emotions and images are kind of understated? Not sure if that's exactly what I mean but I feel like the quietness and firmness of this poem speaks volumes. And, it also speaks to me personally, so I really appreciate getting a chance to read it.
<3 <3
I hope this review was helpful in some way!
-Q
thank you so much <3
Hey fig! I'm here to review your piece using the good old YWS S'more Method!
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This was a relatively short piece, but I think you conveyed a lot with so few words. The themes I'm noticing are perhaps memory, loss, and wearing out and reminiscing what you've loved for so long. Each line was well placed, and can stand on its own as a statement, and each mini-stanza/sentence talked about something slightly different, and there was a clear separation between lines and stanzas. There is also a slight repetition in terms of formatting that I can see, where the first line compares the person to something with figurative language, and the next line relates it to you and your own emotions. And with the imagery of a pair of shoes, something you carry with you always, something you rely on more than you think, comes the feeling of comfort and home.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
There's not really much I can think of personally, because I thought it was great overall! I'm guessing the lack of punctuation was a stylistic choice. The only thing I can think of is I can't really see your poem as having a structure with a climax, or something leading up to something bigger, but this is not always necessary in a poem, it really depends on the author and the style.
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
I loved the repetition, and the structure of each sentence, like I said before. I also thought the metaphor of a pair of boots really fit the message you were trying to convey, as being something that can be worn out easily and used constantly. And using words like "aching" or "longing" really brought out the emotion and pain. I love the line "your familiarity was a broken promise", it's so thought-provoking and heartbreaking, and when you said "so i reach into the sea to replenish my tears and i plunged my feet in a second time", I thought that was a really fresh metaphor, really painting a picture of washing your pain over. The last stanza, "trying to take you for a walk knowing you would tear away" is a powerful way to end the poem and wrapped it up by giving the reader the feeling of hopelessness or panic.
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
The poem really brought out and highlighted the feeling of missing something you carried with you for so long, and I could feel that too by the imagery and emotion you wrote into the piece. It was really lyrical, and I loved the overall theme and message. Keep writing!
- Ant
thank you!