watching window glass fog
isn't as fun as chilling to my favorite tunes.
especially when my minds a bog,
and the work ahead lies in sand dunes.
so i sit here with my music
looking so very joyful, so very happy.
feeling so inadequate, so useless,
until on comes my song.
and it lights up my brain, and then i know
i've done nothing wrong,
and i should let the radio play. so
i twiddle my thumbs, until
the windows fade to grey.
and relax dreaming of lentils,
until ive wasted a day.
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138,379 Literary Works • 672,111 Reviews
Hi there, Gem! To start off this review, I think I'll use one of my favorite memes:
I technically took summer classes in between the spring and fall semesters this year, but I recently started my sophomore year of college. This poem was very relatable. You perfectly capture the struggle of both wanting to do work you need to do and not wanting to physically do the work. I'm also a pretty big fan of the rhymes you used throughout the poem - even when they involved lentils.
These two lines in particular really caught my eye:
The juxtaposition between what can be observed and what is actually happening is great on its own, but mirroring the structure and language of the first line in the second made it even better. My one suggestion for that section would be to add "very" in front of "inadequate" and "useless" so it mirrors the first line even better, but that's honestly just a nitpick.
I don't usually get all that emotional over poetry, but these three lines made me pause after I read them - it's a lesson I've been trying to tell myself for the past few months. There's nothing quite like that moment where I realize that I don't need to keep berating myself for having a slow day; I just need to enjoy what's going on around me. This was that moment in written form.
My one last comment is another nitpick. I noticed you used an apostrophe in the nothing wrong line, but you don't use them anyone else in the poem. Since there's other forms of punctuation and the apostrophe adds emphasis, I would suggest adding one in these lines:
Other than that, I don't have any more critiques for this poem! It's a great, powerful poem that really captures a single moment - even if it's supposed to span an entire day. I hope I see it on the front page soon!
<3 Awe thank you @Magebird . <3
Momo, here to review for my second review star!! Let's get started.
First off, I think you should capitalize every "I" in this poem. I'm sure no capitals is a stylistic choice, but I think it would look better with some capitals.
It should be "mind's".
and the Gemstone song was on, and the Gemstone song was o-o-on:D
It should be "i've".
That's all I saw. I love this poem so much! Keep writing, and have a happy RevMo!
Momo
Thank you <3 lol the gemstone songs are o-o-on lol :>
Ayyyy I wanted to review something for some points, and when I refreshed the green room BAM! saw your poem.
Hi I'm Buranko, and I'd like to review your little work.
I like this playful feeling that is present in your poem.
You juggle with actions, always returning to listening to music. First I can see a person watching through the window the world outside, with a really bored face.
He has nothing to do, nothing he can think of brings him joy, his work is too difficult and great, possibly lost in a huge pile of paper.
One idea sparks into his mind and he quickly turns on spotify. His soul rests as he listens to music. Ahh he certainly feels good before and during his favorite song. While listening a thought came into his mind and of course it's about listening to more music.
Time flows weird in the realm of music, quickly a day passed.
Overall this poem is great, I loved it and reading it certainly made me feel like the persona, but that feeling was not caused by music but poems. What I feel could have been better is the phrase "looking so very joyfull, so very happy". I feel this and the following line are a little too basic for a poem. You can try to make a small.simile or metaphor to include the persona's feelings in it. I currently have no idea how it could sound better but with some brainstorming I'm sure it's possible.
Good luck in the future, have an amazing autumn and most important, keep up the good work!
Thank you. <3
@LordMomo
thanks
You are always welcome <3