Young Writers Society

Hi, Gem, it's Lee again. I haven't designed a decent banner yet, but happy #RevMo !

Without further ado, I'll begin.
As a self-proclaimed environmentalist, I have to say this poem is a well-written ode of sorts, both sweet and sad at once. I liked the imagery, and the bittersweet ending is quite good.

I recall saying the last time I reviewed a poem of yours that punctuation would not be amiss. This time, I'll stress on that; there were a few places where sentences didn't flow very smoothly and I felt slightly confused. Semi colons, commas and fullstops can be sprinkled here and there to a very good effect. Here are a couple of these instances where I edited it somewhat:

submerged in the thunder so peacefully that i know it is truly silence,

and that this is mother nature;s embrace;

she is a harsh woman with a cold grasp

that allows everyone to be loved and disdained equally, (This part is confusing; if you mean she allows everyone to be loved/disdained equally, the "that" will have to become a "who." If you mean the cold grasp does so, then it's correct.)

but not everyone loves her as much, and quite often, many hate her more.

Even so, she remains dignified even as she is uprooted and demolished.Demolished feels wrong here; how about "devastated?"

oh if only i could be so serene only throwing a few disasters into play

I didn't edit this because I couldn't really decipher what you meant.

but who's to say that she hasn't tried harder than any of us to quell the damage,

that humans haven't already pushed past her simple boundaries,

and now she isn't like me, a silenced voice,

writhing in a shell to tight for comfort under the pressure of others? (There really ought to be a question mark, but I was uncomfortable with this sentence because it's too long and too choppy)(What did you mean by "tight for comfort?")

at least she is still respected by some for her grace.

even as she perishes painfully, she retains balance

i want to be like her, strong and swift yet graceful and ever inspiring;

i want to make the world at peace,

but be able to take it all away when i rampage voilent like a tsumani;

I wish I were as unpredictable and worse as devastating

*tsunami*

*violently*

*The last line is poorly constructed, you need to rewrite it.*


Also, a general error: It's *stomach*, not *stomache*.

The sentences get very long at certain points, like Ethan pointed out, and combined with the lack of punctuation makes the poem as a whole somewhat difficult to read. I suggest you remedy that.


Otherwise, I like your poem. Let me point out some of my favourite lines:

she has confidence and pride

and beauty to make your heart stand still

the gentle tickle on your calves while taking a stroll still raises your spirits

Some edits could be made here as well, but it was still by far my favourite part.

i would be tranquil in my spiral

as she is in hers but i am not yet in such ascendant space

so i breathe in her patience hoping that it will fuel my own

Took me a couple of reads to understand this, but when I did, it was nice.


But yeah, Gem; I'm sorry if I'm being very critical or harsh, but the poem is quite difficult to read as it is now. You can definitely work on that.

Have a good day.

- Lee

Hey Gem! Ethan here for a #RevMo review. Haha, as you know, I am less than proficient at reviewing, so please, bear with me. Here goes:

So I loved the poem's feel and theme, and the cadence felt very natural. Also, I do appreciate the more or less environmentalist sentiments, so kudos to you there for sure.

Like I said, the soul of the poem is perfect, but I feel the need to provide more valuable feedback than that, so here are a few things I did notice about the structure and things. First off, you might want to consider breaking the poem down into stanzas? Longer poems like this can seem a bit daunting at first glance, and breaking it up would make it a bit more readable.

Also, some of the longer lines sort of feel like they could be more potent if broken into two lines? For example,

i feel her sadness and am at peace even mother nature can be mournful

might flow better as

i feel her sadness and am at peace,
even mother nature can be mournful

Finally, you might want to consider being more consistent with your 'I's. You don't necessarily need to capitalize them all, as lowercase is definitely an acceptable stylistic choice, but I see some uppercase and some lowercase, and you should probably make them all the same.

These are all very minor things, and they're mostly stylistic, so if they're not helpful, feel free to ignore it all. I always love your poems, so don't take this as criticism! Just suggestions.

I hope this was helpful! Like I said, I really enjoyed this poem, so keep up the good work!


--Ethan