Just bliss....
honing my skills
expectations rise
into stone hills
as i make the prize
for waking up again
and here it is
look at how it spins
just pertpetual bliss
grounds stirred in
gentle like snow on a lake
bury the whole boat its fake
stirring in powder clouds
imagining im performing
in front of crowds
and they roar as i add
one cube of sweet
into the mix
look at this
perpetual bliss
i dont even care my
hairs not combed
i dont care that im
not well dressed
i have the goblet
with the nectar of life
and the crowd can just wish
in vain hoping to be the same
but no the coffee
is mine today
and if they try to take my throne
they can eat my fist
ah, perpetual bliss.....
As The Sun Goes Down Over Her
deep green vines try to choke
the little light inside her soul
growing envy- growing doubt
showing flowers from without
pick one and take it for yourself
so she lives on- when the light goes out
smothering vines block out her hope
love and kindness swatted away
those vines trap her- inside herself
when all the others play
sick vines tendrils sway
and she knows- she cant escape
strict vines control her days
and guide her as
she falls down-
lay down
little girl
and go
to sleep
no one
will weep
for you....
the red sun rises up- in the clouds
and we know blood was spilt
but the vines were wrong
even though they were
stout- little girl i weep
for you, the sunset
on your- dying day
was just as
beautiful
as you
little girl- the vines were wrong
and I'd love to keep the
flower- you gave to me
but instead I'll plant it
for- you deserve to
live on past me
with no vines
to strangle
you.
Coffee Tapestries~
spinning islands in a sea of color
turning tides in a calm ocean
undercurrents no one flees
warm and open expanse
broken only by the pangea
of snowwymountaintops
ever changing
ticking of a clock as i watch
the pangea break apart forming seperate
continents in the once smooth sea
i think i've spotted africa i watch it float away
dissipating to the walls it must now be on the
other side of the globe - was that europe
what an odd direction for it to float
the rest dissapear in a
whirpool
and as the clock chimes i take a deep breath
from pondering steep inclines and
instinct and death, and ponder things anew
new species new forms of the old
new life - whoops
my coffee is cold
who knew you could find a
round earth on the flat surface
and steep hills like a mt. everest
inside the depths of coffee
and your mind.
Dissapate
what if the world is a marble and hope is just a dream
and reality is a cardboard box inside a screen
and all of us are just paper airplanes in a stream
how long can we pretend to be boats before we sink
and what is reality if it isnt real at all
and what is morality when none can stand tall
dreams are just rubberbands bounced off a wall one to many times
suddenly the rubber thinks it can fly and it soars high
until it hits the marble and they both clatter to cold empty floors
cold floors are the trecherous hate and the deppressive state
of the world and flood waters come in and knock down the door
paper bags and shotguns and old hotel soaps
bublegum and notepads and fires unstoked
silouettes and barbiedolls without faces or shoes
everything oh everything thats tired of being used
boots with holes garden gnomes tired old tropes
basketballs nuses and swings with breaking ropes
bad dreams and prom queens and made up games
pop machines evil queens and uncalled for rage
what the hell is even happening these days
what are you supposed to do when you cant even
tie your shoe without being called out and how are
you supposed to live when you can even hear
yourself over the echoes of the world to scream
when you just want to shout people see a rubber
duck floating in the water in your bath and when
they were spying you're the one whos bad
they shoot the duck and take a semi truck over
your path just because they can because thats
the way we live now
undisirably here
im stable in my instability
im indistructable as i self destruct
im so obviously imperfect it sucks
but i'm still alive and moderately
well as i live on in this shell
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi there, Gem! I'm reviewing 'As The Sun Goes Down Over Her' in this one. This seems to be a poem about some kind of internal conflict, represented first by the vines and then the continents breaking apart, only to come back to a single cup of coffee. It's an interesting piece for sure and feels like a stream-of-consciousness. Now, I'm not sure if you meant these to be one poem, actually, because they appear to be about two different topics, but I'll try to focus on specific images and lines so you can still get something out of this even if I've interpreted it incorrectly.
Language
I like the use of colour to convey emotion and meaning in this part. A "red sun" makes me think of guilt and tragedy, which is then confirmed by the "blood" in the next line. It halso makes a good contrast with "deep green vines".
I'm not really sure about the choice of 'stout' here. For me, stout kind of implies something thick but short, like a barrel, and these vines probably aren't short? I'm poking through Thesaurus now, and I think maybe "staunch" or "tough" might be more suitable here.
The use of specific verbs, and action verbs no less, to describe the sea was really vivid, for example "spinning islands" and "broken only by the pangea".
Structure
At first, there seem to be rhyming couplets every so often. I can't quite find a regular pattern for these. Instead, they seem to occur whereever a rhyming word so happens to fit the context, which can work for a poem if you want.
My favourite bits of rhyme though, were the ones that were slipped in there, either as a rhyme within the line (and not at the end of a line as in "doubt/without"). Maybe because these are free verse poems that are a bit run-on and dream-like, the less structured rhymes somehow seem to fit the overall style better and act as nice surprises that emphasise important parts of the poem, such as the girl's seeming death in that first one.
The dashes in these lines create a staccato rhythm for me by dividing a longer line into short breathless chunks. I love how you play with punctuation here, as it makes this particular stanza stand out, almost like a turning point.
Miscellaneous
I just find it interesting that the title has traditional capitalisation, but the poem is written entirely in small letters. It makes me wonder if that's the style you generally adopt or if there's a specific reason for this.
That's all
Hopefully you'll find these comments helpful - and keep writing!
Cheers,
-Lim
:> thank you
undisirably here-or, as I call it, permanently f***** up, isolated, and alone. Or, at least such is my takeaway from the beautiful short poem I read. Anyone who writes this well must have a beautiful soul, a bruised flower needing watering and nurturing care to fully bloom. You are an indescribably beautiful enigma, a mystery encased in a shell which only needs to be broken open to expose your gloriousness in sunlight-your words alone are dazzlingly brilliant, as a sentient Queen's dress that is convinced it must be a pile of filthy rags. The words of an Injured Goddess, worthy of admiration and respect.
You said to pick ONE POEM to review, so I did, and here it is-what a tasty little treat that was!
<3333 Thank you
Hey there!
I'll tackle some of these starting with numero uno:
So, here "rising" I don't really get paired with "hills" as I think hills are formed through erosion of large landforms, moving of sediment via glaciers, or faulting (which is when two blocks move near each other. Like during an earthquake I believe.) Not saying you have to go and change everything, but "rising" might not be best there.
Oh I see something here:
This is supposed to mean sugar and the "goblet / with the nectar of life" is to describe coffee, right? If so, I totally agree there. I can't even imagine what I'd be like without my coffee, and I don't like thinking about it.
Moving on:
It's pretty common to see contradicting statements like this in poetry, but I can't say it is something I don't like. You've captured it nicely, and it feels pretty good and not thrown together really quickly.
And this is also personal, so I can't go and say anything about that, as I am not you. I'm glad you are comfortable enough to share it here.
Good job!
Best,
Max
Thank you. <3