Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! This is uhh poetry review #3 for me. So go easy on it if I say something ridiculous. Hopefully I can help you somehow but I'll probably just end up embarrassing myself...

First Impression: Okay so this one is the first poem that I'm running into with a bit of a deeper meaning to it rather than what's being said because umm....I don't think you actually mean to talk about carpets and elephants. So the first thing that stood out was the owl. It seemed kind of a sudden addition like um carpet, elephant, more elephant, more carpet then BAM we have an owl which struck me as a bit odd.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I wish I weren't a carpet to be trod on

I wish I were an elephant instead

for I've met many a blaring trunk

whose voice was heard

but woe to the carpet and woe to the help of the owl

for both are hushed and overlooked

and woe to the elephants who fall flat on their trunks

tripping over pride

when wisdom was only a step away

Hello there, Gem!

I haven't reviewed any of your poems even though you streamed-post most of them oof so I thought I'd give them a try. First of all, I love your title. It seems so random but reading your poem, it obviously isn't.

At first, I thought the message could become an anti-bullying campaign but, rereading it again, it's more of getting confidence to retaliate? There's a lot of loose ends, what were you really trying to say? That both sides have their pros and cons? Which do you prefer, if you "woe" to both of them?

Now, I'll outline the message of your poem here:

-doesn't want people to look down on him/her
-wants him/her voice to be heard
-goes back to the speaker's concern of people subdued/oppressed
-realises that those people whose voices were heard could turn prideful
-pride ensues ignorance

Looking at it now, I think you should fix the cohesiveness of your poem. The lines:

but woe to the carpet and woe to the help of the owl
for both are hushed and overlooked

whose voice was heard

and woe to the elephants who fall flat on their trunks
tripping over pride

when wisdom was only a step away

Owls of all kinds have been known to attack people when defending their young, their mates, or their territories.

Hello Gem, It's me Myth and I'm going to be reviewing your poem today, so without further ado let's get started.

Let's start with the title. "Elephants and Carpets". This would seem of no relevance to someone who just looked at the title while scrolling down the "all literary" but wait. A carpet? Isn't that what people walk over? That's the moral value of the poem. That right there. That common comparison, that idea. It's significant to anyone who has ever been a push-over or has stepped on someone else.

Now, let's look at the first two lines.

I wish I weren't a carpet to be trod on

I wish I were an elephant instead

for I've met many a blaring trunk

whose voice was heard

but woe to the carpet and woe to the help of the owl

for both are hushed and overlooked

and woe to the elephants who fall flat on their trunks

tripping over pride

when wisdom was only a step away

Code: Select all

[img]https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/715635114423615549/750281735618428978/My_Post_1.jpg/img]

Hi LadyGemstone,
I'm here with a review. I think the concept of the poem is interesting but I also believe that it's confusing. So in the first four lines, we understand the desire of the carpet to become an elephant. And then we have:
"but woe to the carpet and woe to the help of the owl"
I don't really understand what is the owl doing in this story? After we go back to the elephant and I actually like the last two lines. As well why is the carpet woe?
I also want to point out punctuation. I said this in almost all my reviews but it's really important. As for grammar, I didn't found any mistakes so good job!
I hope my review helped you,
MoonIris.