Haiku- Flower
Beautiful and free
if you try to pocket me
I will wilt and fray
Haiku- Swim
To effortlessly
be suspended far away
from my worldly stress
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139,216 Literary Works • 672,511 Reviews
'Ello, it's always great to read a poem from you.
I'd assume Flower is about a person because some people who feel cornered will react exactly like that; close themselves off. If that is what you are trying to convey with that, I would say the execution is done well. It especially shows that humans aren't perfect and won't react well when others do something to them.
If it is just about a normal flower, some nature imagery would help, but since it is a haiku with a bunch of rules, I understand how all that isn't possible. Pocketing a flower is an interesting one that I haven't heard before, so if that is a phrase used, my foreign brain is at fault there. One thing though; I think "fray" means a fabric or rope untangling, so the flower images might not connect exactly how you want it too.
It isn't off syllable count, so nothing technical to mention. Overall, it is a haiku that can be taken in multiple ways, and all of them really show off your poetry writing skills. It seems to have been thought out well, so it all came together without any messy points with overmentioned phrases and way too wordy lines.
Now onto Swim; I'd say that the title doesn't match up because it seems more like "Drown" with the "suspended far away" and the "worldly stress," but I can also see where it could fall into that title. When you swim, it feels effortless, so understandable there.
Again, syllables and technical things are all neat and tidy. Overall, a relatable poem with some simple emotion to it that shows how it feels when you are stressed and find relief from it all. It's cleaned up nicely, and I would read over and over again.
I hope this helped!
Axi
Thank you.
Hi LadyGemstone,
I'm here with a review. I'm going to start with Haiku-Flower. I like the simplicity of it. It describes how flowers are. The syllables are correct. No grammar mistakes (I didn't expect to find any).
The second one Haiku-Swim. I really like this one as well. It captures what a swimmer experience when swimming away from reality. Your syllables are the right number again and no grammar mistakes.
I don't know if my review helped you as it's very short. Have a good day,
MoonIris.
Thank you. <3