thoughts spinning like nothing does at all
they twist as they turn
the past makes no apologies
and the future smears it all
what on earth are we doing here
the grass sways because it is so tall
it swishes above my head as i ponder it all
---
when i was younger i had alarming confidence
i made no apologies for my words
now im older i reflect on that state of mind
i wonder if ive gotten better or worse
and everything in my reflection is distorted
unsorted like my past poetry
and now my friends
they are all but gone
---
i see them neither here nor there
well i do see them but not as they were
and with how they are now memories dissipate like air
do they long to remember me
as i shrink away
---
do they wish that i would leave
so they arent reminded of the past self
they no longer wish to be
i cant help but realize
everything feels quite scripted
now and every word seems forced
---
i could bring myself to spout the words
to shout that if you dont want to talk
then dont pretend to enjoy conversations growing like a vine
then break off coldly like a dead limb on a pine
---
but instead i remember how
i used to play in the rainforest of your
mind and watch your thoughts grow like the
grass does now it was so green and so sublime
the trees seemed small because
i used to take up so much more space
back when i knew my significance
---
now im locked out because
well honestly i dont know why
but surely as the seasons
surely theres a reason
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139,216 Literary Works • 672,511 Reviews
Heya gemmy! Incoming review!
And this is where I get into a little bit about the human mind. When you're young we don't develop the ability to think of others in their own mind. We can't comprehend how some people can think differently than us or would like to do bad things. It spills over into we don't think that anyone will have some negative thoughts towards us but at around the age 8 is when we "grow out" of it. And then is usually when we're more careful about what we say, maybe we start getting nervous about what others will think if I wear this. It's all how the human brain develops and it's awful because you know what happened after 8? Anxiety, thanks human brain! Okay that was a tangent but you made it clear how a young child would say things without remorse.As always, your poetry is amazing. And I can't wait to review your work.
You know, this is the first time in a while where I can't find anything to critique. So Instead let me point out the things that really got me engages in your poem!
The first thing that was apparent was that your poem was slightly longer and, I don't know why, my attention span for reading longer works has been nonexistent recently. But with each stanza you packed a punch and it made me want to read on. You gave your poem momentum with all this imagery that propelled me forward just how the world propels young people into adulthood.
Another thing I loved from your poem is how you try to rhyme and it backfires. Well backfires is a strong word, more like you stumble over words to get to the ones that will rhyme. At first I thought this was something to critique but when I take a step back I an see something else. When most children start to write poetry they'll usually only make it rhyme because that's what we've been taught is the only way to write poetry. Bu as we get older we know that we can do free verse and so on. You are much more comfortable with free verse so going back into trying so hard to rhyme is like trying to get the semblance of childhood back. And the reflection of the past is very realistic and melancholic. I love it.
But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful! You are a great writer, gem, and I hope to get to review your next work! Anyway byeeeeeeeeee<3
thank you fire <333
Hi queenshadowgem,
Delirium Nervosa here to leave a review on your poem.
What can I say but WOW! That piece was extremely engaging and relatable. The way you have structured your stanzas and verses adds an extra dimension to this incredible piece of poetry.
I enjoyed how you didn't make it personal, but aimed it in a generalised way, in order for the reader to interpret the words in their own way. I was pleasantly surprised at how emotionally connectable the piece was.
I love how you convey the growth of the "character" throughout the poem. That once, they would have reacted, retorted, but now, they're at a point where that is no longer a necessary nor valid response. I love the realness that this poem portrays and how it really shines a light on how people are feeling, tucked away, in today's society.
Thank you for this wonderful piece and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
-Delirium Nervosa
thank you :> <3
hi @queenshadowgem
this is jay here for a review cause it was a lovely poem i read so here is a review from you @queenshadowgem
okay this what i got so far First off this was a great nice good poem that i read and what was good from your poem was when you said in it was
but instead i remember how
i used to play in the rainforest of your
mind and watch your thoughts grow like the
grass does now it was so green and so sublime
the trees seemed small because
i used to take up so much more space
back when i knew my significance
--- and everyone got there own onion
Second my compliments in the poem is you made some of the people on Yw to express there self in to this poem @queenshadowgem
3rd and you can improve is that i knew you wrote this and it was some great work you have done @queenshadowgem you did your best of poetry and e get it some people are good at poetry
4th and what i didn't like in the poem thoughts spinning like nothing does at all
they twist as they turn
the past makes no apologies
and the future smears it all
what on earth are we doing here
the grass sways because it is so tall
it swishes above my head as i ponder it all but i was thinking @queenshadowgem i was saying that like this part was like the others to me in my onion and i like poems when they got something in there mind and make as good
5th gem a poem like this would be more to that and i would thought of something in y mind i would really would put on this poem if i was you gem i would add something else to that poem
keep up the good work and keep writing!!! by Jay
thank you jay <3
how was my review @queenshadowgem
you are learning and growing with every review jay good job <3 continue to grow :>
@queenshadowgem wait this is a review
Hey there! Mordax here for a review. I lovedddd this poem so decided to review it a bit differently by simply walking you through my thoughts as I read:
Here, I see these lines as a great introduction of your poem, carrying this heavy tone of hopelessness, labeling these thoughts and efforts as futile. My only suggestion is to reword that first line just a bit as saying "nothing does at all" feels a bit wordy and disrupts this flow. Something as simple as removing the word "does" still has a similar meaning and creates a better flow.
I adore these lines because I agree with them so whole-heartedly. We are plagued by the past yet shadowed by the future, and no change is truly made to make amends and pave our future with full clarity.
I also love these lines and this feeling of inferiority they show: how small we are in the scheme of the world.
I also love these lines. I totally agree with this sentiment of not truly knowing yourself and not only that, but not knowing how to feel about this new self.
These two lines fell a bit flat for me. I thought your second stanza had a good build-up and message, yet this here feels out of place and less impactful than the previous lines. And with the following stanza following up on this abandonment that comes with age and change, I believe these two lines could just be included there, separating the point of self-image and self-change, then using the third stanza to emphasize the change of others and the distancing of old relationships.
I love these lines for their meaning. I totally understand this feeling and relate to it so much. However, I do believe placing "now" in the second line breaks up the flow.
These are likely my favorite lines of the whole poem. I love how they connect with the lines in the first stanza regarding the small size of the narrator and how grass towers above, to how in childhood, it was the opposite where the world is small beneath our feet, open to us, all dreams possible. I definitely agree that adulthood manages to diminish this sense, shrinking us and diminishing our significance (if only in perspective).
I believe you meant "there's". Besides that grammar error, this is a great way to end this poem. It perfectly encapsulates that feeling where so much is changing and it all feels pointless and we grasp for a reason to explain it all.
Overall, great work!! I loved this poem so much!
Keep writing!
Mordax
thank you <3
Moving poem.It’s thought-provoking and questions the meaning of life.I think everyone has thought this way sometimes.My favorite lines in the poem are:”Everything feels quite scripted.” People have definitely felt this way throughout life.Overall,I thought that this poem was relatable and true.Good job on your poem and I hope you have a good day/night!
Moving poem.It’s thought-provoking and questions the meaning of life.I think everyone has thought this way sometimes.My favorite lines in the poem are:”Everything feels quite scripted.” People have definitely felt this way throughout life.Overall,I thought that this poem was relatable and true.Good job on your poem and I hope you have a good day/night!
thank you <3