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139,201 Literary Works • 672,505 Reviews
Fig! This is so wonderful!
Okay, so my reviews generally tend to be very winding, and a lot of it is just my observations/thoughts on the poem, rather than explicit suggestions, because I tend to feel like that can be just as helpful. I'll start with overall vibes before I head into specifics.
Overall: LOVELY imagery and extended metaphors (we'll dive into that later). The rhyme scheme is very subtle, which I think really works for this poem. Honestly, I didn't realize there was a rhyme scheme until the third stanza, and then I glanced back over the top half and realized there seemed to be one. The subtlety of it really lends to that idea of the quiet, and also hints at repetitive thoughts of anxiety/depression-- aka, the loops that your brain can get into when it gets focused on one thing and can't let go of it, even when all you desperately want is to just move on.
Going into the first stanza, we're hit immediately with the repeated metaphor that's going to come into play several times throughout the poem-- that of the hanging tree. I like the detail of the Middle Ages. My first thought was of The Hunger Games (which is obviously not the Middle Ages XD). I like the detail about the Middle Ages, though I'd be curious to hear your reasoning behind it. Also, since you do capitalize other words in the poem (like 'I'), Middle Ages should also probably be capitalized since it is a proper noun.
The phrase 'weave my fingers through the dead like they are pages' is GORGEOUS. It really gives me a very strong image in my head (which is a little gross, because it does involve hanging bodies) but the idea of weaving through them is such an interesting distinction. It suggests a carelessness, or rather, a calmness? Comfort, maybe? Something that signifies it's normal.
So, so far, we have a heart that is a hanging tree, and the dead bodies would presumably be previous loves? Heartbreaks? The narrator is used to these heartbreaks, so much so that they weave through them like pages. (Also suggests the act of reading, or in this case, rereading, like reminiscing. Thinking about one's past, being stuck in it? Rereading a favorite book because you like the middle [ages] and want to ignore the end? Those vibes).
The last line is a bit confusing, and reaches the first point where I'm not quite sure what you mean. I think it's because of a lack of punctuation. I can't tell if there would normally be a comma there to separate, or if it is all meant to be one thought. I'm going to assume there would normally be a comma, but if I were you, I would think about maybe including commas, and just avoiding periods, even for clarification's sake. In terms of actual meaning, the idea of an old love choking in a strangling situation gives small hints towards abuse, smothering, overwhelming love that the narrator began to not like. It's definitely the common experience where what was once loved (gorgeous necklace) suddenly becomes something that feels suffocating because you are losing feelings (rope). The sentiment really adds to the lovely metaphor about the hanging tree as a heart, and extends that metaphor towards the love that is still sometimes there (rereading the pages), even if the narrator had felt previously like they were dead.
AGHHHHH I wish I could eat this stanza for breakfast, I feel like it would have a very satisfying texture like it used to be crunchy, but it's in small enough pieces right now that it just slightly scratches the inside of your mouth instead. No idea if that makes sense, but anywho--
The narrator sacrificed their patience for the 'you' in the poem, who the narrator is addressing. That's a fairly straight-forward line, but it's really a gut punch, so even if it's straight-forward, it isn't simple.
"I hung you up like decorations" is also PHENOMENAL, YES. Bringing back the metaphor of the hanging tree while downplaying the tragedy of it being dead love/bodies and showing it off as decorations instead is wonderful. As a suggestion, I wonder if you might be interested in playing with the idea of windchimes in this stanza somewhere? That's just what popped into my head, and it might bring a more specific feeling than the general word of "decorations". I know it doesn't fit the rhyme scheme, but something to consider, maybe.
As a small note, "goodbye" is usually one word, not two, so saying "good bye" reads more as a bye that is good than just a farewell. For the last two lines, we get the introduction of a theme that will continue throughout the rest of the poem: silence as an emptiness. I do wonder if "dead silent conversation", while it fits the themes, reads a little repetitive, since "dead conversation" can also be used to convey a conversation that isn't really going anywhere and could be construed as a synonym for silent? Just a thought.
Small grammar note: it's intertwine, not interwine.
This is the stanza where we as the readers get some GROUNDING information that extends the metaphor into real life. The narrator had an interest in someone who they were friends with, and at some point didn't go for the kiss. They dated when they were kids, which maybe the narrator feels has ruined their relationship currently because of the awkwardness, and also possibly the feelings of "we already tried that, we don't need to try again" from the other person, even though the narrator clearly seem to want that? All speculation, of course, but it's a very good way to set up a backstory and clarify what the readers have already learned.
The narrator underestimated how connected they wanted to be, which is a hint that, at some point, they may have pushed the other person away to try to gain some personal distance? The line about being loved in strife really shows that the narrator is used to situations of conflict. This refers back to the dead bodies, the strangling situations, the loss of patience for love, etc. Overall, it points to a not healthy emotional situation, and the line really helps to tie in all the previous themes. Then, it contrasts that with feeling unloved in the quiet-- the silence that was referenced earlier as a conversation with memory. A loss, an echo. GORGEOUS. Love love love.
This is such an interesting stanza because it really narrows the focus on the idea of quietness. I do kind of wish that in general, there were another tie-in of the hanging tree, since that's SUCH a strong metaphor that is used throughout? Just a thought.
The narrator has already expressed wanting/needing noise to feel whole, but is used to that noise being fighting, anger, conflict. The narrator searches for anything to fill the void of the absence of sound, but is struggling at every turn to find something that fits. The narrator definitely has a lot of anxious thoughts about being a burden on those around them (which is so ironic, considering the dead bodies literally bring down the tree branches and put strain on the heart, not the other way around, but it's also relatable). They don't have the same relationship they used to have, aren't talking as much anymore, and the narrator is wishing for that connection. They want to know if they did something wrong so they can fix it, and the 'you' promised to tell them if they did something wrong, but hasn't told them-- yet there are signs of the relationship/friendship deteriorating anyway. It's a really difficult spot to be in emotionally, and you as the poet have captured that emotion really well.
AGH. THE FEELS. YES YES YES, this is how you land the plane, absolutely phenomenal. So many poets really struggle with making sure the poem's landing can live up to its takeoff, its flight through the air, the journey. You've really made a final statement here that ties everything together completely. "you haunt me without every taking the time to" is so incredibly strong, and really packs a punch.
Honestly, in comparison, it does make me question the first line of this couplet, "you wanted us to stay in contact." I wonder, instead, if there might be some other line you fit there that brings back the metaphor of the hanging tree, the silence, really wraps it all up in a neat little bow so that last line can deliver the final blow. I like that the narrator does clarify that the other person initially wanted to stay in contact, and I don't think that needs to leave. I would just love a way to bring in that overarching metaphor one more time.
Finally, we get to the title. "angels lie" is such a gorgeous title. It's short, sweet, and is intriguing before you've read the poem. After reading it, it adds an extra meaning to it. It could be in reference to the 'you,' to the other dead bodies/past loves or heartbreaks, and it also implies that before there was silence, the noise that the narrator craves was just full of lies. Which are technically noise, but they're not a satisfying noise. LOVELY. AGH. YES.
Overall, I really love this poem. I'm unsure if any of this is going to be super helpful, but I find for me that someone breaking down my poetry lets me know how it's being perceived, so I figured I'd go for it, and you can take what you want and leave the rest. As always, feel free to reach out if you want to talk in more detail about anything, or if there's some other aspect I missed that you'd like my opinion on. I'm also always happy to clarify anything. :]
Have a great day! Much love.
~Winter
hey thank you so much you actually inspired me to change some of the lines around so I'd love to see any new thoughts!!!
AHHHHHHH FIG THE UPDATE IS GORGEOUSSSSS. Literally went "ohhhhh my Gadddddddd" as I read the last two lines, chefs kiss, no notes, beautiful, MWAH!
Heya fig!
It might not be autumn yet, but NovemberCrow is here to review your poem today! (Still working on opening. Used to have a good one. But that's a different story and we are not here today to listen to my stories, but to yours poem.) So let's get down to business! (TO DEFEAT THE HUNTS!)
What impressed me so much about this introduction are many things. Does the narrator of this poem momentarily (metaphorically) become a kind of hanged man's tree? It's an interesting opening stanza that caught my attention immediately. In the following verses, the reader is presented with a relatable image - a memory of the end of a friendship (or something more), of a farewell and conversations filled with silence.
I also love how incredibly fluid this poem sounds - the individual lines are not short, but they still flow with complete smoothness when read aloud, and the rhyme feels very clean and catchy. At least here at the beginning, because as the poem goes on, the rhyme breaks and we only see lines rhyming with each other here and there, which works well. I always like it when a poem, despite its free form, manages to find a way to verses that flow like rivers. I hope you understand what I was trying to say....
I think that this part will really help the reader to visualize the relationship between the "narrator" and the person he is talking about. My interpretation is "a friendship that grew into a relationship that could have been good, but happened at a bad time". But of course, that just my interpretation.
Just a little thing, but I like how you ended one stanza with how lonely and abandoned one feels in silence and started the next stanza saying that it is because in life the other person no longer brings them sounds and information that would they filled the "void in brain" that remained after their leaving.
Another detail, very similar to the previous one - mirroring the beginning of one stanza and the end of the previous one with the help of a kind of contrast. On the one hand, the other person keeps things to themselves, but on the other hand, they want them and the narrator to stay in touch.
Well, that's a strong finish. Because yes, people know us haunting even without truly being there. After all, that's what haunting is about, isn't it? That a person might or might not be there, but not really and not as we need them.
Well, I can probably close the review with this, right? Thank you for taking the time to write such a great poem and share it with the rest of us here at YWS!
Have a nice rest of the day/night/whatever because timezones are chaotic and stay safe!
- Kay, your local (friendly?) cryptic crow
thank you for your review!