Either sacrifice the word,
Or share the meaning,
All the Love all the Hurt,
Or all the Bleeding,
Ink through your paper skin.
All the feeling Absurd,
Wanting to start again,
Without a fresh board.
Trying to move on,
Moving sentiment instead,
wishing from the dawn,
not to run out of lead.
Biting tears,
telling others to face,
their fears,
trying to brace for your own.
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Canary word: Present
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139,216 Literary Works • 672,511 Reviews
This poem is amazing because, as a writer, I understand everything that you are saying. Your metaphors are top-notch. Each one makes sense. Even if some of your lines don't make sense to everybody, I am able to find meaning in each of them based off of my own life and experience. After "Without a fresh board" I would add a stanza focusing on the notebook you write in. Just a nice way to expand the poem. I would say something about how writing is critical for you, and you lean on the notebook whenever you write. The notebook could feel like support, but at the same time, it betrays you; As if it said "that's enough" when you run out of paper. You focus so much on ink that I think a little focus on paper would be nice. Great work! Keep it up!
I did an edit for you. Thank you for your influential comment.
Hello MiniGem!
I absolutely love your writing style and sporadic flow of the poem. Brilliant work!
Much love,
Zaibae
Thank you.
Hey Gem,
Lee's here for a review!
So, firstly, I enjoyed the poem quite a lot. I read through it a few times, and each time I felt more of a connection with it. This is something that expresses internal turmoil with care and deliberation. Honestly, I think this is great. The first line by itself had me taken in.
So here are the things that I feel can be improved.
In the beginning, I think a comma after "All the Love" would allow for a better flow and beat than how it is now.
The line about "Ink" needs to be tweaked a bit. It doesn't sit that well with the rest of the opening. But if you're looking to make it abstract, it's perfectly fine.
I loved how the sentiments are moved instead of the mind/heart.
Why "Wishing from the dawn"? I can get that dawn is a harbinger of light and hope, but I think in this case, "sun" would sound better and more meaningful.
After "face", in the last stanza, there preferably should not be a comma. It breaks the rhythm and flow of the poem, which are both crucial as the feeling escalates.
I think the last line is beautiful. Simple and to the point. I just loved it.
So overall, there weren't any major flaws with the poem. I can connect deeply with it, which is the most important thing about any poem, and this is a clear depiction of how your feelings are in turmoil. It's a remarkably good piece. keep it up.
The flow is meant to be sporadic, red it like a rapid thought.
Oh, okay! My bad!
It is fine. <3
<333
Hello MiniGem!
Initial Thoughts
I really like the formatting of the italicized and bolded words which made it really nice to know which ones to stress and portrayed the emotion within this poem really well.
Suggestions
For this line I would add the word "back" as in "biting back tears" because that is a particularly common phrase and I feel as if it does not disrupt the flow of the poem at all, but maybe adds more dimension and emotion to it if you stress this particular word.
This line does not make a whole lot of sense to me. Are you talking about the ink of a pen? If so why through your skin? I would try to clarify this up somehow because to me it feels out of place and like it does not fit with the rest of the poem.
Comments
I really like this lines together, I am not sure if it is because I relate or the creativit of the rhyming, but really well done.
Overall
Ultimately, I really enjoyed your poem, and you have a talent for making your poem flow well without it seeming like you're forcing the rhymes. I love the style of the words which makes it easy to read to know the emotion and such. Well done and great work.
Happy Writing,
SBG
Wow. Very beautifully worded. The flow of this poem is great! I really liked the use of the italicized and bolded words to really emphasis certain words/phrases. This poem really shows and helps people understand a poet and their writing process. I don't really have any suggestions for improvement. Great job! I really enjoyed reading this!
Thank you.