Hi, I'm Morri, here to leave you a review.
Hopefully you're taking suggestions for more than just the title!
This is an interesting story, and while you incorporate rhyme and meter sporadically, I do not think that it quite qualifies as a poem. If you would like to make it into a poem, I recommend changing the form, and changing the style. While there is a lot I could say about the style and form, it really comes best to the author if they've read poems in a category similar to their own. Check out The Highwayman by Alfred Noyes. I feel like your language is similar to his style. Notice his use of poetic devices like repetition, simile, consistent meter, and consistent rhyme. I chose to show you this poem because it is a narrative poem, like your own, though the story is different. Of course, that is his style, and not yours, but I feel like reading others' poetry will give you more perspective on your own work.
Something I noticed when I was reading your piece is that you use big concept words a lot. I'm talking about words that tell the reader what is happening, but do not show the reader what is happening. For example, you say "beautiful" twice in the same paragraph. Don't tell the reader that something is beautiful. Rely on your imagery to show that to the reader, and allow them to draw that conclusion themselves. There are a few other words like that in this piece, and I recommend doing the same thing. Replace them with powerful imagery.
Adverbs are another thing that plague your piece. Adverbs only need to be used when the verb is not strong enough on its own. You have strong verbs for the most part. Let's look at this line.
You can take out "firmly" with no ill effects on your sentence. "Cling" is already illustrating that the leaves are holding on.The leaves are green and firmly cling to their trees,
Moving on to a sentence where the verb could be improved.
The boy sits ever so suddenly and looks up to the sky.
What is a more illustrative way to say "sits?" You could say "The boy rockets up" or if you mean that he's sitting from a standing position, "The boy plants himself." There are many more ways you can say this, but you don't need an adverb if you have the right verb. Adverbs weaken the sentence. We should be enlightened by context and vocabulary on how an action is taken. There are a few other places where you've used adverbs where the do not benefit the piece. Go back through and see how many you can remove, either by simply erasing them, or changing the verb to something stronger.
I think you mean "Will O' the Wisps."Willow the wisps
This sentence structure is confusing. I do not know if you are saying the stream is red, or the tree is red. Furthermore, mystery is an abstract noun, and I'm not sure what shade of red you're talking since you're comparing a color shade to something that cannot be seen. The writing feels a little lazy here, as if you're allowing the meter and rhyme to dictate your word choice. Don't let it overpower you!The stream beside the tree as red as mystery.
Another thing about the previous line, and the surrounding paragraph: I am wondering why you are using basic color names. There is definitely a time and place for that, but I feel as if you're not doing this landscape justice by saying "green" or "black." What kind of green are the leaves? Are they surreal teal? Are they emerald? Sage green? Do the clouds roil with wind, do they rain ash, or do they shoot azure lightning? Give us more here.
I don't think that "brawny" is the right word here. If he's lanky and thin, brawny is a contradiction. Brawny's denotation is physically strong and muscular. Lanky's denotation is ungracefully thin and tall. Brawny's connotation is where the problem lies. Brawny tends to refer to folks who are pretty stocky with muscle, which totally contradicts lanky. If you're saying that he still has muscle though he's tall and thin, perhaps "wiry" is a better term to use. The definition of wiry (of a person) is "lean, tough, and sinewy." Hopefully this clears things up for you.He is brawny, lanky, and as thin as a post.
I think you mean "stripped."Once striped from all the land
As for title recommendations, I think a good title might be "Nothing, the Boy, and Me." Or "The Secret Nothing."
Altogether, I think this has potential. It feels like you could turn it into something a bard would sing in a tavern. Something about great deeds and such. I hope that this review is useful to you! Happy writing!
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