breaking my ankles turning into
someone who doesn't know who he is
in a world going for the piss
in a colorblind world
would we still divide the shades
despite the fact they aren't perceived the same way
isn't it funny how freedom has now changed
into freeloading upperclasses starting mass deportations
supported by christs club of hate
which you would think would be more unpopular
since it goes against every word in jesus' name
which even a non believer can ascertain
dividing church and state
must be harder than separating an entire nation
arson is a natural disaster when it's done by corporations
and just wait cause we need even more sequels for hate crimes
and medical wait lines toxic pregnancy operations
are taking up to eight times the usual time
and here I thought murder was a crime
but only if it's rich white male lives right?
because they kill sex workers in the daylight
they'll shoot trans women on sight
and these people think it's alright
supporting people claiming innocent lives
there's nothing more worthless in america now than me
a trans queer person standing up for what I believe
people like me plan to leave
it's matter of life in the context of assimilation
or death if you choose to dare to be different
when it's not a choice anybody gets to make
when we say we are born gay they think we're wrong
because they were born straight
I'm not going anywhere anyway
I'm standing my ground against all the discrimination
unless that's the next renaming of an official place
under the current presidency it would just make sense
they plan to depart anyone they don't agree with
from a public space they want to force us to all look the same
they're going to stop all gender changes
they're going to start taking people's names
they've already begun harming the nation
the only thing this presidency has brought up
is the suicide rates
you can say I'm wrong say he's great
you'll find out soon I'll wait
hello
i was just scrolling and figured i'd get this out of the greenroom. Please note that this review is solely on the writing and structure of the poem, along with some advice for that. I don't feel like trying to unpack all this in a review.
So I agree with Dossereana, this is a very angry poem. It doesn't seem like it is just supposed to be an angry poem, but that you were physically angry while writing it. If I am wrong, then this is incredibly convincing emotional writing, but due to the subject matter of the poem, I am going to assume that you were physically angry while writing it and continue with that assumption.
The biggest thing I noticed was how the poem feels slightly disjointed. It has a theme, but it shifts from topics about Religion, Politics, Gender, Abortion, ect in a way that could be a bit smoother. I also am going to assume that this is probably because you were angry and wanted to write one poem about all of the things that were making you angry, it isn't super obvious, and it is probably an issue you don't need to worry when writing in a more calm state, but it is something to think about.
The other thing is that it feels that sometimes you will sacrifice a rhyme to make a point. This also, is not necessarily a huge issue, and it may be a stylistic choice, but I am pointing it out just in case.
Anyway, I hope this was helpful, I haven't written a review in a while and am a bit rusty <3
Hi @fatherfig I'm back again for another review on another wonderful poem you've written, so let's dive in again shall we.
considering the ratings and what I'm starting to read I can tell that you where probably really angry when you wrote this <3
This sounds like the person speaking is trying to maybe figure out what the world is turning into and who has it become this way over time, and why are people doing the things there doing.
This is really going in depth about how bad the colts are out there, and it begins to make you wonder how much people actually love and trust the god they believe in.
This is bringing a real light on to how much the world has changed and how bad things are really getting as the days go by, if you look at all that's going on the world seams to be going to trash right now.
It's sad how different and split up the world is getting over time, things seam to just be getting worse as every hour passes by now, instead of it being a slow and gradual thing.
It's like people are allowed to be gay and lesbian and straight but don't attack someone who's different from you just because you don't agree with it, or don't like it. Us humans are supposed to help each other not attack each other like animals.
I also believe that some can agree to disagree on which presidency is better or not, but in extreme cases of when this doesn't happen there are rallies where some people actually end up being killed, and is that really necessary when people are already killing themselves without the rallies happening.
So that's it for me I hope I wasn't being to harsh and if I was I'm really sorry that was not my intention at all, Political things, isn't something I normally review at all so this was new. <33
I hope you have a wonderful day/night
@Dossereana Flying Over Vintage Writings & Spreading Love And Peace
Thank you <333