a sad song leapt into my playlist
and obscured all the things on my screen
it reminded me of dark places i had already been
and in shining a light on my darkness when everything became clear
my body turned on the alarm system and the rolling tears
made it blurry again because things shrowded in darkness
dont want to be seen they hide there for a reason
in the back of your mind lurking
to be the best person you can be turn on the light so you have to see
blink away those tears every time they try to claim your vision
and stare the wounded spaces down
no tape can cover those wounds or put them back together
there is very little medicine can do if you and it dont work together
and even though you dont want to you still need to face it
i need to face it so i put a hand on the wound
and pledge to try to make things better
I'll make things better.
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139,255 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hey gem! Incoming review!
I love that line. The visual representation of tears blurring vision is beautiful. I also like how punctuation and capitalization are not used throughout the poem until the very last line as if to say things are becoming more correct or like it should be.I like the overall message of the poem about doing something yourself to make things better. It's very powerful in the way you put it. Your use of analogies and figurative language is stunning!
Some things I would like to suggest is to make your pacing of the first stanza a little more put together. The longer 4th line threw off the balance and made the rhythm seem off kilter. Maybe you could shorten the first part to be something more like, "It shone a light on my darkness..." One other thing I say was this line, I don't know if you worded it correctly or if I just don't understand the sentence. The sentence overall has a great impact on the poem but I just think there was a grammatical error.
I love this poem and your writing! I'll try to make time to review your works some more! Keep writing and I really do mean that! Anyway byeeeeeeeee<3
thank you so much fire <333
Hiya Ashlyn here for a review!! Before I dive into it though please know that this review is not intended to offend you or make your writing look bad.
Starting it out with something everyone can relate to (spending days looking at phone screen listening to songs to cope with their emotions) is a good move ^^
This probably wasn't your intention but I love how you have the line 'obscured all the things on my screen' then instantly in the line after you mention 'dark places'.
It's really poetic uwu.
Now I'mma zone out a bit and say-I think it's interesting the way you structured them like paragraphs, one being 'hidden in darkness' and the other has an 'italicized light' charade going on.
It almost feels like their parallel-one representing the mask of darkness (which, freaky coincidence, is a reoccurring word in that particular set of stanzas), and the other the elegance of light (which you mention more often then darkness in that particular set of stanzas).
It's just fascinating. Aaaand might be my brain making connections where there are none...
'my body turned on the alarm system' intrrrresting turn of phrase. Ahhhhh I'm going to nerd out here but in psychology there's a part of the brain known as the amygdala (it's small, shaped like a tear drop, and located in the temporal lobe), that's responsible for the flight-fight or-freeze response in humans so basically it is an alarm system that turns on during intense moments of stress (aka trauma) that line is an interesting (if unintentional) reference to that.
The rest of what you've written is accurate too.
Sometimes the painful emotions having a mental illness can bring up do remain hidden in the shadows of our minds.
Ahhh two things here.
First I notice both don'ts are missing an apostrophe which I'm guessing is stylistic choice though so you can ignore this bit <333
Also the phrase 'you and it' doesn't sound right to me for some reason.
Love that you wrote the last part bold to show that it's a promise. Now, this really is my brain making connections that aren't there (your writing does that to me which is good-it means your an excellent writer <3) but it also kind of reminds me of dried blood, and 'bold' is also synonymous with open like an open wound, which ties back to the first line in this stanza.
Aaand that concludes this review. I hope you found it helpful in some way <33
Please keep on writing this amazing art <33
-Ashlyn
thank you so much <3