Young Writers Society

Hey gem, I have a review for you.

You have such a way with poems. The framing is gorgeous and the imagery is morbid, but it touches on the heart in a melancholy way. I have never seen a poem structured in such a way that it looked like a wave. It's so beautiful and I really think it ties in with the poem as a whole. It also diminishes your need for stanzas because the line of one or two words acts to break it up. That would be wanted for a longer poem such as this, but I really like it.

I have two parts that I would like to point out that I really enjoyed.

stupid

call me that when you arent stepping in

the puddles of blood i splat

on a canvas i spun

trying to make my soul

into something abstract

called art, you make everything

i weave fall apart

I found it quite interesting how with this narrative-of-sorts poem really hounds the point home that art is not a coping mechanism that will work for all people. In this case it makes you fall apart, presumably because you can't make anything "good."

The other part I would like to praise is this

I really wish

you thought

them through

i wish my

kindness

meant more

to you

This part just speaks to me in a way that is so personal. When people's words are like stabs of a knife and all you do is show kindness, we just wish that our kindness meant a little bit more. The structure of this section also brings it all together with it looking like a little stream of tap water that it fading into small drops. It really conveys the state of your emotion well. And the transition into the bigger wave is magnificent.

I don't have any critiques, which feels odd, but I liked getting to review this piece for what enjoyment it brought me. Keep on writing, gem, we all appreciate your work here. Anyway byeeeeeeeeee<3<3

Oh. My. God.

First off, let me just start by saying I’m blown away by how beautifully crafted this poem is. I can tell a lot of work has been done on it, because there aren’t that many notes I can even think of to give. I’ve just got a few, and some aren’t even improvements, just compliments on particular things I liked (because this was freaking awesome!)

Okie-dokie, first note:

on my windpipe i say please

be nice i wheeze be

polite, i die be kind

to eachother

for a little

while

So I would just say I love the rhyme scheme you use in the poem; it’s not completely apparent at first, but this feels more like you’re playing with a free verse that happens to include rhymes than a particular rhythm, which I can totally get behind. I would simply say that I was getting into the rhymes at this point, and a little sad when you didn’t include one here. Automatically in my mind, I was preparing for it to end with “to eachother for a little while longer.” The near rhyme there with “other” and “longer” was something I expected to see and didn’t get. Sometimes, predictability is bad in poems, like using a common rhyming word instead of thinking out of the box. Here though, the rhyming scheme seemed to almost be setting me up for a rhyme that I then didn’t receive, which was, I’ll admit, a bit jarring. Do with that note what you will— it may have been a personal thing.

Second note:

to eachother

This note is more grammatical than anything; I do enjoy the way you play with grammar in the piece. Not including punctuation such as apostrophes or capitalizations within the piece gives a soft but hurt feeling, which I definitely picked up on. It was the right choice, and I truly believe the piece would’ve read differently with capitalization and punctuation. However, within the piece, “eachother” is the only instance you don’t separate two words. For consistency’s sake, I would recommend adding a space between them.

Third note:

and i cry to know

that's all you'll ever see

the fucking perfect little girl

that is me

that

isnt

me

These lines hit so hard. I don’t recommend using curses if it is avoidable or if there is another equally strong substitute, but in this case, you nailed it. With the rest of the piece being clean, it’s such a startling and powerful use of this word. Along with the connotations behind the word “fucking”, it also hints at the abuse, emotional and physical, the narrator of the piece has had to endure at the hands of this other person. I almost expected the piece to end there; I’m not sure how easy it would be, but I’d almost recommend switching these lines with the ending lines to some capacity so this is the ending of the whole piece. That’s completely up to you, but I felt these lines had such a strong impact that the ending didn’t feel as strong in comparison.

In closing: I love the ideas of the piece and the imagery you incite within it. A lot of your writing choices were intriguing at first but I quickly grew to like them. At the beginning, I was worried you may use one or two rhymes and then abandon it, which would’ve been unfulfilling, but you kept it up relatively throughout the entire piece. Overall, this was an incredible piece to be able to read. I absolutely loved it, so thank you so much with sharing your talent on YWS!