stupid
call me that when you arent stepping in
the puddles of blood i splat
on a canvas i spun
trying to make my soul
into something abstract
called art, you make everything
i weave fall apart
choking
on the kindness i try to show you
and as you stand on me you stomp
on my windpipe i say please
be nice i wheeze be
polite, i die be kind
to each other
for a little
while
and i haunt
you stab my soul with a doubled edged
knife, and i float on in pain
but im not mad i'm never angry
but im so sad and you always hang me
before im dry my paint smears
and im left so ugly
you punch me with cruel words
and then you hug me
strangling me
with thoughtlessness
you expect no
consequence
when you
hurt me
and you always hurt me
im a specter of a girl with endless injury
and i just beg you quietly
can you please think
of me can you just see
the quiet injuries
the broken legs
i walk off
the bones
of dust
i'm
made of
the heart you left your blade on
even past my fond verbatim
could you use your eyes
see past the fond smile
into the withered girl you made
because of the casual way
you throw words at me
like daggers all
scattered and haggard
like they dont even
matter to you
I really wish
you thought
them through
i wish my
kindness
meant more
to you
but all you see is a pretty smile
not bloody teeth broken for miles
all you see are big green eyes
no to you they arent blacked
and all you breathe are
sweet tales
i spin
for you
to see
because
that's all
you've ever
expected of me
and i cry to know
that's all you'll ever see
the fucking perfect little girl
that is me
that
isnt
me
i beg you for respect
but you'll never see
because as I fade
to dust you just
walk on me and
i become a path
that you
wont lead
how shallowly
you have
buried
me
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139,216 Literary Works • 672,511 Reviews
I hope you find a way to get free. Your profile says your 18, so like me, you’re probably struggling with your parents. At least it’s only a few more months—or is it different for you? Idk.
The situation you describe is very real. I say that cause it’s easy to feel like you’re going insane when you’re subject to gaslighting or surrounded by the deluded. Psycho by Jordy is a song I like about it. I also like Heavier Things by Lex, it brings me hope.
Hey gem, I have a review for you.
I found it quite interesting how with this narrative-of-sorts poem really hounds the point home that art is not a coping mechanism that will work for all people. In this case it makes you fall apart, presumably because you can't make anything "good."You have such a way with poems. The framing is gorgeous and the imagery is morbid, but it touches on the heart in a melancholy way. I have never seen a poem structured in such a way that it looked like a wave. It's so beautiful and I really think it ties in with the poem as a whole. It also diminishes your need for stanzas because the line of one or two words acts to break it up. That would be wanted for a longer poem such as this, but I really like it.
I have two parts that I would like to point out that I really enjoyed.
The other part I would like to praise is this This part just speaks to me in a way that is so personal. When people's words are like stabs of a knife and all you do is show kindness, we just wish that our kindness meant a little bit more. The structure of this section also brings it all together with it looking like a little stream of tap water that it fading into small drops. It really conveys the state of your emotion well. And the transition into the bigger wave is magnificent.
I don't have any critiques, which feels odd, but I liked getting to review this piece for what enjoyment it brought me. Keep on writing, gem, we all appreciate your work here. Anyway byeeeeeeeeee<3<3
This is an amazing, wonderful, beautiful and heart wrenching poem. The formatting adds to the sudden punch you feel in your heart when you read it and I think this poem is amazing! I just found one mistake:
)
“ be nice i wheeze be
polite, i die be kind
to eachother”
You missed a space between ‘each’ and ‘other’. So, I know you didn’t go by the rules of grammar such as using ‘im’ instead of ‘I’m’. And other such things, to add the slightly hurt feeling but I think that you do need to add a space here.
(I’m not great with reviews so you won’t be expecting a good, long and nice review from me....
But other than that this piece was perfect in every way imaginable.
I ReAlLy look forward to other poems from you!
keep writing!
~rida
Thank you <3
Oh. My. God.
First off, let me just start by saying I’m blown away by how beautifully crafted this poem is. I can tell a lot of work has been done on it, because there aren’t that many notes I can even think of to give. I’ve just got a few, and some aren’t even improvements, just compliments on particular things I liked (because this was freaking awesome!)
Okie-dokie, first note:
So I would just say I love the rhyme scheme you use in the poem; it’s not completely apparent at first, but this feels more like you’re playing with a free verse that happens to include rhymes than a particular rhythm, which I can totally get behind. I would simply say that I was getting into the rhymes at this point, and a little sad when you didn’t include one here. Automatically in my mind, I was preparing for it to end with “to eachother for a little while longer.” The near rhyme there with “other” and “longer” was something I expected to see and didn’t get. Sometimes, predictability is bad in poems, like using a common rhyming word instead of thinking out of the box. Here though, the rhyming scheme seemed to almost be setting me up for a rhyme that I then didn’t receive, which was, I’ll admit, a bit jarring. Do with that note what you will— it may have been a personal thing.
Second note:
This note is more grammatical than anything; I do enjoy the way you play with grammar in the piece. Not including punctuation such as apostrophes or capitalizations within the piece gives a soft but hurt feeling, which I definitely picked up on. It was the right choice, and I truly believe the piece would’ve read differently with capitalization and punctuation. However, within the piece, “eachother” is the only instance you don’t separate two words. For consistency’s sake, I would recommend adding a space between them.
Third note:
These lines hit so hard. I don’t recommend using curses if it is avoidable or if there is another equally strong substitute, but in this case, you nailed it. With the rest of the piece being clean, it’s such a startling and powerful use of this word. Along with the connotations behind the word “fucking”, it also hints at the abuse, emotional and physical, the narrator of the piece has had to endure at the hands of this other person. I almost expected the piece to end there; I’m not sure how easy it would be, but I’d almost recommend switching these lines with the ending lines to some capacity so this is the ending of the whole piece. That’s completely up to you, but I felt these lines had such a strong impact that the ending didn’t feel as strong in comparison.
In closing: I love the ideas of the piece and the imagery you incite within it. A lot of your writing choices were intriguing at first but I quickly grew to like them. At the beginning, I was worried you may use one or two rhymes and then abandon it, which would’ve been unfulfilling, but you kept it up relatively throughout the entire piece. Overall, this was an incredible piece to be able to read. I absolutely loved it, so thank you so much with sharing your talent on YWS!
Thank you <3