Young Writers Society

well, i liked this a lot. firstly, the title was eye catching and kinda suspenseful, the style it was written with was unique and fresh, the content was sensible and emotional for me. i love that your poem invoked feelings and emotion in me. you do know your way around with words. i truly loved "the stitched heartbeat" and the dialogue take on the poem . the persona was well represented and the feelings of the speaker are loud and clear. great stuff over here..raise the bar even higher keep writing!

Hi! I like this piece a lot. The way you structure the dialogue to create such an emotional scene is amazing. I have a feeling that the fact that the mom doesn't have quotation marks around her words is a stylistic choice, so I won't bring it up again. Overall, I felt this. A woman who feels like she needs to let go of life, contemplating suicide in a way. Her daughter's words are the only things that bring her back, and her love for her mother is shown through her words.

I almost feel like this is a metaphor for suicide and coming back from the brink of it. We're not sure why this woman is just giving up living. (Maybe the death of the father? That's alluded to in this short snippet, anyway.) We just know that she is. Or at least, that she wants to. She's almost trying to will her heart into stopping beating, or deluding herself that it has stopped, fading away from the world and into a sort of daydream. She seems resigned to this, not overly sad, in contrast to her daughter's words, who carry emotion. She's almost terrified that her mother is going to fade away right from her very eyes. She almost seems to know that she's the only hope of bringing her mother back from this brink. And it seems like she does at the end.

As much as I don't like criticizing this, there are a few spots that I think could be improved:

I'm broken beyond bandaids and needles, lay your head on my chest dear.

Now, I'll ask you to stay with your Gram... She'll take care of you.

No! Not you dear... Not you.

"That's your heart mum... That's your hearts' beating. It never stopped. Mum he's gone but I'm not. I love you."

Hey, AngelLily with a review.

First off, I just wanna say, wow. That was good. You did the dialog well. As far as grammar goes, in the beginning when it says: "I can hear it, mom." I think you meant: "I can't hear it, mom." So you might want to change that, because it confused me when in the next sentence you wrote: Of course you can't.

In the sentence: "That's your heart mum...That's your hearts' beating." There were a couple errors. It should be: "That's your heart, mum...That's your heart beating." You do need commas after "mum", also in the beginning you said mom first, so if you wanted to keep your dialog parallel you might want to change "mom" to "mum" consider that is what you used most.

Overall, good job. Keep writing and stay safe!
~AngelLily