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I Will

by erilea


When the stars fall,

I'll catch them and try to make a dream.

Their glow fills me with a promise:

Sparkles make things alright.

But I have heard that all that glitters is not gold,

And for all the stars I catch,

I can't turn their shimmer into happiness.

...

When the sun crumbles

I'll take the pieces and let the heat

Warm what's left of my heart.

If only I could embody the sun,

Steal its warmth and wrap myself up in its flaring rays.

But even suns have sunspots,

And I know that I belong to those instead.

...

When the moon dies,

I'll bury it within my heart and carry its loneliness with me.

I'll use the stars to wish it alive,

Use the sun to light up all of its craters,

And maybe the moon will start shining

Again.


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12 Reviews


Points: 311
Reviews: 12

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Fri Nov 25, 2016 2:42 am
milabales11 wrote a review...



You did a great job with this piece. You did a wonderful job with detail and making it unique. I was surprised when I saw your age and it made me even more impressed. You are very talented and have a nice style of writing. The title is what got me curious because I wanted to know, I Will. . . what? I'm glad I read this and I loved it. This piece brought out what I feel when the moon goes away and it was enjoyable. Great job and keep writing!




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117 Reviews


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Reviews: 117

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Thu Nov 24, 2016 8:27 pm
Astronomer wrote a review...



Hello there, Artemis28!
This is Moonwatcher here to review your poem! ^^

I have a passion for all things astronomy, hence my username, so this poem caught my eye, and I'll try to review this the best that I can.

But all that glitters is not gold,


This is something I've seen a few times before, which got me curious. Upon further inspection, I found that it is a proverb. Now, sometimes borrowing something from somewhere else is okay, but maybe you could tweak it a little bit so it sounds more like your own, to be original, and avoid using something cliche as such.

If only I had the whole sun to help,

I'd feel much better.


The part "whole sun" is a complex expression, but it's fine because you're comparing it to a piece of the sun. Meanwhile "much better" is a redundant expression, so the "much" part can be taken out. Then you can take advantage of the fact that the poem isn't structured and maybe explain in more detail /how/ you would feel better.

I'll bury it in myself and carry its sadness with me.

Since the sadness is the moon's, *it's would be a possessive noun.

And maybe the moon will start breathing

Again.


This actually reminds me of another proverb, "Tell me the story about how the sun loved the moon so much he died every night just to let her breathe.” In contrast with the previous proverb, however, this isn't as similar and might not even be intentional. It's just something fun that I wanted to point out, since I actually wrote a poem based on that line myself once.

The romanticizing of a celestial object is something that I've seen before several times, and the only thing that distinguishes them is the use of unique imagery/structure. This poem did a good job of distinguishing itself from other poetry with a similar thing, but you should proofread your poem. If you see anything bland, boring, or you've seen before, try to fix it with something more unique.

I quite liked this poem. I hope my review helped you out, and have a great day!




erilea says...


Thanks for the review!
Not meaning to be pushy, but...
Care to like? :D



Astronomer says...


Sure thing! ^^



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200 Reviews


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Reviews: 200

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Thu Nov 24, 2016 6:14 pm
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kman134 wrote a review...



Hi. This is kman134 here with a review.

All i can say is that this is pretty good. the romanticization of the solar system and the need to feel the heavens within your hands was spot on. Even using Shakespeare's phrase: "All that glitters is not gold" does reflects how hat everything that looks beautiful can't be obtained, or turns out how you want it.

the somber and melancholy tone of the poem gave me a sense of awe for I, too, become sad for when the moon disappears and the stars fade away. It makes me feel the inevitable fate of death as we all will meet our fate. Life and death, rebirth, want, and depression; that's what i felt from this.

Anyway, it's a pretty good poem. i hope you write more.





Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
— Voltaire