Zoltar rushed back home towards the shadow lands, his wings creating great gusts of wind that churned up the grey ocean below him. A dark mountain loomed in front of him, its peak a blazing fury of scarlet and gold fire like the rage burning within his heart. The clouds of black ash spewing from the volcano were as heavy as the emotions pushing down on Zoltar's mind. Sadness and anger fought to take over his brain until it felt like one giant lump growing bigger and bigger by the minute. Shame seeped into every corner of his head like some form of mind destroying disease.
Why had he not insisted on taking Scorpus's place? A new wave of guilt clouded his eyes as he admitted the reason; he'd been scared. Terror had wiped away any hint of sense in him, even though he'd been trained to ignore things like fear. What sort of shadow talon soldier acted that way under strain? Only a coward and Zoltar knew it with every bone in his body. Even normal shadow talons would have shown more control than him. It was just another sign that he didn't fit in and that he should have been the one to have gotten killed.
As if in agreement, the volcano rumbled and belched out more streams of molten rock. The rivers of glowing crimson lava twisted over the bleak landscape like snakes on their way to the sea. Caves potted the matted black hills of rock like gaping holes into nothingness. Ash and sulphur clouded the scorching air. The foul gasses racked Zoltar's chest with toxic claws, making it almost impossible to breath.
Zoltar carefully landed on a slab of solid rock next to one of the numerous caverns carved out of the landscape. He flinched as a grey mouse ran over one of his claws. Normally he would have caught it and eaten it as a small snack, but he just wasn't in the mood. His stomach was heaving and churning like a raging sea, so instead he ducked inside the cave, relieved to be out of the intense heat.
Glowing fire rocks lit up the tunnel, their red light flickering in the murky darkness. The air was stale as mouldy bread and the floor felt rough under Zoltar’s scaly paws unlike the soft, green grass he longed for. He wished that the shadow talons could move back up onto the surface, but the air up there was just too blisteringly hot and could kill a dragon in hours. In these endless caverns the air was unpleasantly warm, but not fatal.
As Zoltar voyaged deeper underground, he passed many dark passageways that snaked off in many different directions. All was quiet in the corridor apart from the clacking of Zoltar’s claws on the rock. Three years ago the volcano had killed over half the tribe in the eruption, so a lot of the tunnels and rooms Zoltar passed were empty and the air felt hauntingly still like the souls of those who were lost were still wandering the tunnels as silent ghosts. The tribe had moved as far away from the volcano as possible to reduce the risk of another disaster, but there was still the looming possibility that the volcano would belch out another massive eruption and take the rest of the shadow talons lives with it.
A shiver ran down Zoltar's spine as he remembered that dreadful day four years ago when the mountain had opened and spewed flaming death down on the small shadow talon village below. They hadn't stood a chance against rivers of lava once they had crashed into their houses and the ones who'd managed to get into the air had been knocked out of the sky by the burning boulders flying through the air. If it hadn't been for Scorpus demanding that he join the soldiers on their trip to gather food, he would have been killed just like the rest of his village. Now only a few shadow talons remained, scrounging off what little food remained in the shadow lands.
After about five minutes Zoltar reached the end of the tunnel, which finished in a large room lit by many scarlet fire stones. In the middle of the room was a beautiful gold throne with a hefty, black shadow talon about the size of a bull elephant seated on it. His violet, curved horns glinted like polished glass and his poisonous barbed tail rested like a waiting snake next to his throne. He narrowed his cat like eyes as Zoltar walked into the room. Zoltar spread his wings and bowed, waiting for the dragon's commands, just as Scorpus had taught him.
"What news do you bring of the island?" the chief asked in a deep rumbling voice, staring at Zoltar with his glowing, amethyst eyes
"Scorpus is-dead,” Zoltar blurted, his voice cracking on the last two words. A tide of emotions was throwing itself against his heart like the waves of lava that had destroyed his village. Zoltar could feel small drops forming in his eyes. He blinked them away.
“So is Mowzan,” Zoltar sniffed, shifting slightly on his paws, “I t-t-tried to stop them, Hisster. I told them not to go towards that s-sound, but they wouldn’t listen! Now they're d-d-dead!”
"Stop blathering and tell me in an orderly fashion what happened and for heaven’s sake, try to act more like a soldier!” Hisster growled, banging his paw on the side of his throne, “What has Scorpus been teaching you all these years, honestly?"
A spark of anger started to burn inside Zoltar. He wanted to bite Hisster for talking to him like that and disrespecting his mentor. He couldn’t though. Hisster would most likely kill him for that. It was a rule among all shadow talons to respect commanding officers and the chief and biting them was not respectful in the least. Zoltar paused and took in a long breath before continuing.
“We were exploring the east side of the island when we heard a roar coming from behind some trees. Scorpus suggested that we check out the sound. I told him not to, but then who listens to me anyway." Zoltar hissed with a touch of anger. He sighed and continued, "On the other side we were ambushed by a reptilian beast that looked similar tothe black panthers in the Rocks of Death. It sprang out of a cave,howling. We only just managed to dodge it's talons before we took off r-running.” Zoltar explained, fighting to keep himself together, “We tried to lose it, but it was t-too fast. We couldn’t take off. The forest was so thick. It picked us off one by one.”
Zoltar desperately tried not to look like he wasn’t upset, but the tears just wouldn’t stay down. He wiped his eyes.
Hisster gasped after hearing Zoltar's reply.
“It can’t be,” he whispered, fear and anger glazing over his eyes for a few fleeting seconds "I thought it was gone for good. This could ruin the whole mission."
“What? What is it?” Zoltar asked anxiously.
“Follow me,” Hisster ordered, getting up from his throne. He strode past Zoltar, his tail lashing angrily. Zoltar followed him up the tunnel, curiosity willing him to go faster. All the way Hisster growled and muttered angrily to himself, “It can’t be. It’s not possible. It was supposed to be gone.”
Finally they turned down another tunnel into a huge library piled to the ceiling with shelves and shelves of scrolls. The air was filled with the pleasant smell of musty books.
Hisster marched past Zoltar over to a section labelled: Myths and Legends. He stood there scanning the rolls of brown paper until he pulled out an old, dusty scroll. He blew on it softly, sending a cloud of fine dust floating through the air. Hisstergentlyopened the document and proceeded to skim over the contents. After a few minutes he inhaled sharply and passed the piece of paper to Zoltar, pointing to a section marked: Extinct. Zoltar looked at the ink marked scroll and began reading.
'The Exltron is mythical beast that once lived in the Misty Maze until the year of the Great Burning, when a solar flare heated the polar caps and caused the sea levels to rise, flooding the bridge between the continent of Megalonia and the Misty Mountain Island. The maze was swamped and it was presumed that the Exltron had gone extinct since it could not swim or fly. The island had also been home to the tribe of Wisp Talons, who sadly were also thought to have perished with the rise in sea levels. Soon after the rise in the ocean, a thick white mist settled over the maze, but there still weren't any sightings. For four decades nothing was seen. It is now rumoured that the tribe of Wisp Talons and the Exltron still exist, but very few dragons have managed to get through the mist that clouds the Misty Maze, so there is still no proof of their existence. Only two maps show the way through the hazy pillars. One is in the hands of the Shadow Talons and the other is owned by prison Dark Claw. Neither owners want to share the maps, so whether the Exltron or the Wisp Talons are still alive remains a mystery,'
“You don’t think this is what I saw?” Zoltar asked shakily, looking up from the old document.
“Positive,” Hisster growled, his voice laced with irritation as he took the scroll from Zoltar and placing it back on the shelf.
“I really think we should find another island. I mean even Scorpus said it was too dangerous and you know how he likes to take risks,” Zoltar reasoned, looking at Hisster, hoping he would agree. He couldn't push any more than this or Hisster might react, thinking that Zoltar was trying to order him around.
“I will not be bested by some creature that is supposed to be dead. We have been looking for an island for the last four years. Do you know what will happen if I tell the tribe that we have to wait longer? No, we'll go to the forbidden hills to see the howler dragons. They'll be able to get rid of that Exltron.” Hisster snarled, throwing back his head.
“But we can’t. No one goes to see the howler dragons; they’re too dangerous and unpredictable. It is rumoured that they can and will kill anything. What's to say that they don't kill dragons then?” Zoltar reasoned, his gut twisting in unknown fear.
“I make the decisions around here and we are going and you are coming with me. The other soldiers are busy and should only be back tomorrow evening. We leave at dawn and don’t be late. I need your navigation skills to find the way. You will find that I am a lot stricter then Scorpus.” Hisster growled, striding out of the room.
Raking his talons against the hard lava floor in anger, Zoltar glared at Hisster. Scorpus had cared for him since he was one year-old and had taught Zoltar every trick he knew and after twenty years together Scorpus and Zoltar had formed a strong bond. Zoltar did not appreciate the way Hisster was talking about Scorpus.
“When this all goes south, I am not pulling you out of the muck,” Zoltar hissed bitterly to himself as he walked home.
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hey this is not really a review, I just wanted to point a few things out. Zoltar is a dragon. He should not have fists.It makes him sound human. 'Clenched his fists in anger, Zoltar glared at Hisster.' maybe try ' raking his talons through the floor,Zoltar glared at Hisster.'
That's all. I really am enjoying this book so far!
Never stop writing.
Thanks for the suggestion. I completely agree.
Hello again!
I'm really enjoying your style of writing. You're doing so many things well and as I was reading through I was thinking to myself gosh what am I even going to tell this person :p.
I have a couple of bigger picture thoughts. First, your descriptions are great, but I want more emotion. I think it can be harder to bring out emotion in third person writing because we don't get to hang out in the MC's head. But Zoltar just went through this horribly traumatic thing. He was chased by this beast and watched two of his friends die in front of him. Yet for the first chunk of this he seemed unaffected as he went to his destination. We got a glimmer of emotion when he started talking (which I appreciated) but personally, I would like more of his thoughts and feelings about what just happened. Is he numb? Is he used to this sort of thing so it's not that big of a deal? Is he scared out of his mind? Is he in denial? What's going on?
Second, at the end of the last chapter his mission was to go tell the shadow talons that the island isn't safe. He does that (well sort of). He tells them what happened but he felt a little passive about what he wanted them to do about it. I figured these shadow talons were the guys in charge or the people that could help solve the problem so I found it a little strange that they passed it off to someone else. Who is in charge here? And back to the passive thing - he wasn't too passive because he did tell them what's going on and everything, but I figured he would have demanded more action or something from the shadow talons. There's sort of a crisis brimming here and he just watched his two friends die and the shadow talons answer is to consult with someone else. I want to know if that's okay with him and what he thinks about that, and if it's not okay with him what he's going to do about it.
A few specific thoughts:
I think you meant "heavy" not "heave". Also, since you mentioned his emotions, this would be a great time to elaborate on what those emotions are and what's going on inside him right now.
And how is this affecting Zoltar? Is he having a hard time flying because it's hard to get air in? Is this why he lands?
Is this related to the recent trauma he endured? This could be another good place to elaborate on his thoughts/feelings.
So the shadow talons are also dragons? Are they the leaders?
And with this whole landscape - how far did Zoltar have to travel to get from where he was with the monster and his friends to where he is now with the horrible air? How wide spread is this horrible air? I know when volcanoes go off around the world, depending on the scale of the eruption and everything, it can pollute the air for hundreds of miles. How big is this place Zoltar is living? If he's a dragon and there's this horrible air that can kill a dragon in hours, how does he live here?
Oh so are the shadow talons just a tribe or a group of dragons and only their island was affected by the volcano and Zoltar lives on a different island? Still a little confused about this whole living situation :p (even after consulting the map).
Technically this is a small info dump, but I appreciated it here and I thought it worked here because it was concise and I thought it was integral in understanding how this world works at this stage.
Since your readers are new to this world, I would describe exactly what a shadow talon is or what they look like other than it's black and huge. Is it also a dragon or is it something else?
I really appreciated this showing of his feelings and then what he did with them. Gimme more!
Okay for this whole section on what he's reading I would change the formatting a bit. In the previous paragraph I would end it with "Zoltar read:" so it's clear that this is something he's reading and then he doesn't have to read out loud.. Then, for this paragraph I would get rid of the quotes and put the entire thing in italics so it stand out from the rest of the prose. You could even indent the entire thing over. Then I would start a new paragraph with Zoltar's dialogue.
I would add what the S-friend (can't remember which one :p) told him specifically - that the island is no longer safe and that they should move.
The formatting here confused me. Is all of this Zoltar talking? Is there a reason that it's in two paragraphs? If you want it to be two paragraphs, start the second paragraph with " as well.
I'm definitely excited to read on!! (which doesn't always happen with me and fantasy
Thank you so much for another review. I will be sure to go ahead and fix the problems and work on the emotions. Thanks for all the great information.
Wow, this is short but very descriptive. I love the way you describe things and places.
And you perfectly managed to combine the surrounding with Zoltar's thoughts and emotions. Great job.
Hisster doesn't look like a good caring character. and I think he didn't have a good bond with Scorpus (he didn't feel upset about his death)
Overall this chapter is pretty good, I can't wait to read the next chapter.
Here are a few things that would make this chapter better. (just a thought.)
*Your dialogue is pretty good, but what if you add a bit of insight; I mean you could write Zoltars thoughts, and connect him with the reader.
* You mentioned that Zoltar is pretty sad after Scorpus's death. But in the latter part of this chapter you mentioned that they had a strong bond. So shouldn't Zoltar be a bit more shocked and depressed after his death? just a thought.
Anyway, good job and keep on writing!!
See you soon,
Writer12345
Thanks for the review. I will go over an edit it a bit so that Zoltar's feeling feel a bit more depressed and shocked.
Hello this is Pretzel here with another review to add on to your chapter two of your novel. You asked me to review and I will try to do so. I don't really have that much time to read through everyone else's reviews so I will just have to start from here.
Now let's begin, shall we?
I did know how you were building an image of Hisster authority and leadership, and how it seems like Zoltar resents him. I think that's essential to letting us get to know the character that you are building up for us. Hisster's name also feels suiting since he has seemed to have a "hissing character."
With that being said, There were some info-dumps that I could you could possibly generalize or summarize at least a little bit more here. You really have to be careful how you include exposition in your dialogue, because you still have to remember that you need that spark of "drama" in it. I'm not seeing that here now. That whole big blurb with the quotations out of the scrolls is uneeded, in the way that you really overdid that part at least I think so. I actually felt very tempted to skip over that whole part, for the reason of avoiding too much uneeded info for at least this chapter, because he isn't going to be using it at all.
Wait, wasn't he like also inside a volcano as well? I thought that he was going inside a cave near or inside the volcano. Also, I'm confused on this. Since this is the first time, at least I think that you mention the eruption, I think that you could probably state it more forcefully and a little bit less casually, if you see what I mean here.
These are probably the first words that comes out of Hisster's mouth, and I feel like he has already given false impressions. The thing is, that I feel like Zoltar stated what happened very clearly, even though it must have been hard for him to do this emotionally. Honestly, I don't know/see anything that indicates that he's not talking in an orderly fashion, because you don't give us that much information onto in which way he is speaking (tone of voice, pace of words, slurring/pronunciation, etc.)
I feel like you need a better transition here, for the only reason that you are practically describing two different roles in Zoltar's life. I feel like both of them seemed to be/been in authority over him at some point, and so it's weird to see which one he chooses over another, which is still kind of unclear to me at this point. Is he remaining loyal to his dead and only master (and avenging his death) or is he going to follow Hisster to the "south side." I feel like these sentences are just one of those contradictory ones.
This looks like a very cliche sentence, because it doesn't seem to give either Zoltar or Hisser much of a useful stragetic information at all. This just an over-used metaphor, that probably wasn't even around in ancient days. I would probably just emit this from your paragraph blurb in your text.
I just felt like pulling this short paragraph out of the text, to demonstrate to you how boring your sentence structure really seems here. All of the blue text is basically what I had wanted you to notice. Most of you sentence go like this. Noun/Name _________(verb). That's gets boring really fast, plus it's two simple for the skill of a writer. I would go through, when editing this and handpick all of these sentnece structures and vary them up a bit. May you could do (Prepositional phrase, subject,verb) (start of with a question) (descriptive phrase then the subject and verb) etc.
Also, I think that this last sentence should definitively go, because you are stating the obvious. You have done a beautiful job of giving hints at Zoltar disgust and not appreciation of the insensitivse comments that Hisster kept on growled. Please don't ruin the effect right now, by trying to state it.
Now here's the part where I am going to try and help you with your dialogue, which felt bland and flat in all places.
You have something here, that I like to call "talking heads", there no description or action in the dialogue, and that just feels like they are talking heads instead of relatable characters. One way to fix this is to actually make them have a physical reaction while doing this. So for example:
This kind of goes to show his pride and willingness to fight, and with a couple of words I already know so much more about this character. Just remember not to overdo the physical reaction when you go back to edit it, don't make them have a physical reaction simply for the sake of having one to enchance your dialogue. Remember that it has to fit and stay in character. Here is an amazing article, that basically explains what form and function in dialogue is.
I once had a wise writer tell me: "Just think of dialogue as a writing tool and keep in mind that it should be given as much consideration as your description." Please keep that in mind while writing your novel." (quote from beckiw)
That's all that I have for this chapter, and hopefully tommorow I will onto the next ones. I hope that this helps you improve your writing. If you have any question, you know where to find me.
~P.S.
Thank you so much for the review. I have been having a lot of trouble with my dialogue. I will be sure to go back and do some editing. Thanks again and I hope you have great day\night.
I really liked this chapter!
Hey, sorry for the late review! I'm trying to get into reviewing mood. -3- Anyway, on to the story.
This sentence here shows he's flying when the previous chapter indicates he couldn't because he's walking. For the sake of consistency, I think you should stick whether dragons fly or not - in this case, not would be better because if they can, you need to revise your first chapter majorly.
A comma after "them".
I think more transition words are needed here. Adding "hearing Zoltar's explanation" after or before "Hisster gasped" would make the transition smoother.
A dash between "year" and "old".
Anyway, for the rest of the suggestions, I hope you'd looked back to my previous review and see parts that need commas or dashes.
For the plot, as always, I find your description compelling. I have a clear of view of how the place around the mountain looks like. This is one of your strongest skill. I hope with this you can relate the surrounding with the MC's feelings, for instance ("the sky was dark and in the brink of dropping raindrops as Zoltar flew with sadness welling in his chest") because it would give the setting more meaning, more powerful.
I find Hisster to be a not-bad dragon. I understand how Zoltar feels about him, but right now I don't see him jeopardizing their lives. Perhaps Hisster knows better than Zoltar. Then again, the story is told in Zolta'r PoV, so I can't say much. I hope to see how they would interact later on, whether their relationship will develop and whether Zoltar's impression on Hisster would change or not.
I find it amusing that the dragons have libraries. It implies that they can read (which is not much of a surprise) and write (which is, given how big their fingers are I imagined xD). I think it's a nice addition to tell us the source of information they have.
I also like how you explain the origin of the beast chasing Zoltar - we got a name for it - Exltron. I do hope the explanation can come naturally and not by reading the full story of them. I mean, some parts can be left to reader's interpretation; only the important ones should be revealed. The ambiguity would hook the reader's interest.
All in all, I think the plot is moving along. This is a nice read. Keep it up!
Hi Lightsong thank you for the review. The bit about the dragons flying, I did explain that the forest was to tangled for them to fly and Zoltar did fly at the very end of chapter 1. I have fixed everything else and I will and some description on how Zoltar is feeling at the beginning of chapter 2.
Yeah, you did, but I'm not sure how it can stop him from flying. I think you need to expand more on it because if he can flay at the end, what stops him from flying in the first place? What makes them not fly from the start? I need you to expand on that.
Hiya, sorry for the super late review.
Okay, so I'm going to start off by saying that I love this! I think that your new title is better than before, it's a little bit more intriguing and it has a nice ring to it if you get my meaning
I also think that the standard of your writing has gone up a bit as well, your descriptions make everything really easy to picture and it is really well written. Not that your prologue wasn't, I loved the prologue too, but I love this even more!
I feel like maybe your prologue could have been a part of this chapter as neither was massively long so I dont think that if they were combined that the chapter would be too long if you did choose to combine them. They also flow directly into one another and I feel like they could slot together well. Just a suggestion, but I feel like maybe it would work well.
Another suggestion is that maybe when you're giving all the information about the exltrons you could maybe break it up a little bit, like if there was more speech between the two of them, maybe if Hisster was doing the informing because he seems to know about the exltrons and Zoltar asking questions about them or something. I just feel as though that would break up all the information a little bit so that it's easier to grasp. But again that's up to you.
My points are mostly nitpicks based on personal preference. Your piece is great and I loved it. I'm curious as to where it is going and I think you have an amazing beginning to a story going.
So, I'm off to go and read all your other parts.
Burninhell
Thank you for the review.
Hello! HopelessAbandon here for another review, as requested
First off, I wanted to suggest something. Your prologue directly connects to your first chapter, so I don't really understand why it needs to be the prologue. It would make more sense for it to simply be chapter one, since it lacks many of the aspects of a typical prologue and instead flows right into the main story.
Alright, onto the review.
This seems like a pretty cataclysmic event to just mention offhand. What happened here?
Overall:
As said before, you have great description. It really allows the reader to picture the seen.
However, your main character is rather childish. How old is he supposed to be in dragon terms? If he's supposed to be a soldier, the way he thinks and acts is very young sounding.
Also, you have them doing and describing things I don't find consistent with the knowledge and anatomy of dragons. For example, they have paper scrolls, but they live in a volcano and breathe fire. They also have very sharp claws I'm assuming, so grabbing the scrolls might be a problem.
You also have the same issue in this chapter as the first, where your sentences are all around the same length. They're great sentences and sound amazing individually, but put together, they sound rather choppy.
Alright, onto the next chapter!
Keep writing,
HopelessAbandon
Hi, sorry for being a bit late to respond. I have read a lot of books about dragons and most of them have paper scrolls. Sorry if I offend you, but I am going to keep the paper scrolls. I explain how old Zoltar is in the next few chapters. I do agree on the sentences being choppy, do have any suggestions on how to fix that. I expand on the volcano accident a little later in the book. Thank you for the review.
A good way to fix that is to combine sentences. It just takes a lot of playing with the content to find a rhythm you like that sounds great. Another suggestion would be to read things aloud, voicing your thoughts in a conversational way. Then you'd be able to get a more natural feel. And I'm not offended at all, this is ultimately your work, I'm just here to make suggestions and help where I can!
Hola again felistia! I'm back for another review =)
Okay, I just want to say that this is waaaay better than the prologue! From the prologue I had thought that you weren't very good at descriptive writing, but this first chapter tells a different story. Zoltar is much more rounded, and the new character, Hisster, is shaping up nicely. You use just enough descriptive to make this an in-depth read, but not so much that after a couple chapters kids are going to be bored of all the fancy stuff (which is why I like doing short stories better than novels. I love my descriptive writing too much =P.) However, like all literary devices, some things could be improved.
"The Exltron thrived until, one day, seventy years ago, the earth got warmer and the sea levels rose, flooding the bridge between Megalonia and the Misty Mountain Island. The Pillars of Limestone were swamped and the Exltron were forced to live on the Misty Mountain Island since they could not swim or fly. For four decades they weren’t seen. A mist crept over the Pillars of Limestone and at first it was thought to be the Exltrons that caused it, but after a year and still no sightings the Exltrons where thought to be extinct. It is possible this creature still exists, but very few dragons have managing to get through the mist that clouds the Misty Maze. Only two maps lead through the hazy pillars, so no search groups have gone and whether the Exltron is still alive remains a mystery,"
This paragraph is a bit confusing. On one hand, you treat Exltron like a species, like there was a whole bunch of Exltron's. On the other hand, Exltron is shown as a one-of-a-kind creature. Please revise this!
Also, why would the earth suddenly get warmer? Maybe it would be better, not to mention practical, if the volcano had exploded on that date. Also, you can't just say "Seventy years ago" because the author is writing his book for future generations, right? A little annoying to have to look at the copyright date to find out how long "seventy years ago" is now. Also, historians LOVE dates. Maybe you could change this to read "in the year of Burning" which would be way fun, but this is still an old, dusty book so you still get a feeling of 'this happened a long time ago'. Plus, this gives a reason for the shadow claws to be living so near a volcano. They had a beautiful valley until one day, BOOM, their amazing mountain blew up! Thousands died, but the ones who remained became stronger and tougher, living off the ravaged land.
Another thing, you have some grammar mistakes (all writers do!) and the first sentence needs to be revised a bit. Some readers have skipped the prologue and are wondering where Zoltar is rushing from? Maybe it would be better to say "Zoltar drifted on the strong breeze, winging his way towards home." or something along the lines of that =).
Last thing, don't stop writing! You have a good idea here that could turn into a great story! Also, if you are really serious about this, writing blogs can really help you improve your writing. This is the one I use: www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com and it really helps =)
Thank you for the advice. It is very much appreciated. I will have a look at the link and fix the story as soon as I have time.
As others have pointed out before, you really have a thing for amazing descriptions! Your world has really come alive on the page and the descriptions are one of the things that draws me into the story the most.
There isn't much I can say that others haven't said already. I agree the plot so far seems a little unoriginal, but this is only the first chapter, I hope it will get better with later chapters, when you've had time to develop the story more.
Other than that, there were only a few things that confused me.
I'm a little confused about the setting. Zoltar goes to see the chief and I'm used to chiefs generally being settled in main strongholds or the center of their civilization. The chief here definitely seems to be in some sort of main place, but I was surprised by the lack of other dragons around. There were no guards or anyone that Zoltar runs into while he journeys to the chief. Perhaps dragon society is different and the chief doesn't need guards, but I feel like there would be somebody else around. If not, the mention of the volcanic eruption that destroyed the village makes me think that maybe the lack of other dragons is because most of them were killed in the eruption. This may or may not be true, but I can't tell. If it is true, it could be clarified a little more.
This anger sounds rather intense for a first offence. Either Hisster has treated Zoltar this way before, or better word choice could be used. When reading this, I didn't really get the picture that Hisster had had much interaction with Zoltar before, if only because of your use of the word "began" in the above quote. One better option, would be something similar to a small flicker of irritation or anger at how Hisster is acting. Perhaps something like this: "A flicker of anger sparked inside Zoltar."
This part is a smaller thing that doesn't matter much, but use of exclamation points in the beginning when Zoltar is grieving as he explains to Hisster could make the dialogue more powerful. For example: "I tried to stop them Hisster, but they wouldn’t listen. Now they're dead!"
Lastly, I'm wondering why they would write that the Exltron is extinct when they don't know that for sure. They just have been separated from it for a long time and thus haven't seen it.
Anyway, I hope this was helpful and I'll be reading the other chapters soon. Keep up the good work!
Thank you for the review. I will fix the problems immediately. Don't worry the story will get a lot more interesting as we go along. I didn't what to shove a whole lot of plot points in the first chapter, because then it would feel like an information dump. Thank you for your help and I hope to hear for you soon.
oh forgot to mention. The part about the extinct Exltron, lots of modern day animals are classified extinct after not being seen for a long time, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they are actually extinct. Extinct species are popping up all the time.
Fixed
Hello felistia!
I really love this, the plot, the characters - everything. I can't wait to read more of this!!! Now on with the review!
Right now this is fine, but I just wanted to warn you a little on the overuse of him. Maybe sometimes you could refer to 'him' as 'the dragon', or just his name. Again, this is perfectly fine, because it is only repeated once, just lettin' you know.
Past should be passed.(easily fixed) Also, this seems a bit irrelevant to the situation, almost like excess information. BUT - I see that you are trying to describe, which is good. Maybe if you add a little bit of description (show off your fabulous skills!) it would make more of an impact on readers. Something like - "As he voyaged deeper underground, he passed dark tunnels that snaked in all different directions." Or something... You are WAY better at description than I am!
Look should be looked.
Their should be they're (they are dead). Yes, I'm getting really nit-picky now...
AND - that's all!
YES! It brings a little humor into the situation!
~Snazzy, Pencil, Penicillin, etc.
Stay awesome!
Thanks for the review. I have changed the spelling errors.
Hello there! I'm a reviewer.
Plot: So, it's not the best I've seen. Old man sacrifices himself, ancient monster, dangerous allies; I've seen it before. The story is carried more by your descriptive skill, which is fine, but action-adventure stories are driven by their plot. What I'm saying is to make it more interesting, because it will matter immensely later on.
Style: By far, one of the most impressive I've seen. You're really in your element in a fantasy setting. Descriptions leave me yearning for a bit more, but I suppose it can't be helped. By far, my favorite was:
Dialogue, however, was a different story. It felt much too bland and mechanical, as if any two people could have said it. Ultimately, that translates into bland characters. Not to mention, these parts felt a little clunky:
Out of context, these seem a bit emotionless and blunt. You do fine with dialogue tags, but sometimes you need the emotion in the sentence itself. Let's try:
"Scorpus is dead," Zoltar blurted, "and so is Shriken. I tried to stop Scorpus, but he wouldn't listen!"
"It had jet-black fur, like a panther! It looked like one, too."
They're simple rearrangements, but it does help to convey the emotion. People speak in shorter sentences when they're distressed or angry. This technique further bolsters dialogue to show characters to their full potential. I know you have some decent characters here, so I hope you can convey them just as powerfully. Make each word unique to the speaker, but don't weigh the conversation down. That's the key, I suppose.
Characters: Not the best, not the worst. Hisster surprised me with his cold logic, but then I kind of lost interest when he started rambling about the past. Zoltar seems like a good protagonist, but his dialogue seemed a bit flat. Again, easily fixable.
Overall, it's a good read. Verbal exchanges could be touched up some, but other than that, it's excellent through and through. Cheers!
Thank you for the info. I know that my dialogue is not the best and the more comments I get on how to fix it, the better it will get. This is only the very tip of the ice berg and the story and the characters will get a lot more interesting as it goes on. Thanks for the review, it helps a lot. I will try to fix the dialogue tomorrow
Fixed. It looks much better now thanks for the review
The first part is wonderfully descriptive and I felt I too was soaring over the village in the sunset.
‘had told Hisster about the beast that (had kill) his group.’ killed (a typo)
The next part from ‘As he glided over the streets Zoltar reflected back on his life.’ I feel would be better as part of the prologue. It would work before the prologue you have already written and give reason for the three shadowing’s to be on the island. It restates the general events of the prologue including the monsters attack on his mentor.
You could start again from ‘Zoltar had rushed back to the shadow lands’ and use the following paragraph as a bridge between the prologue and the 1st chapter.
This sort of thing can be so hard to spot as the author because you already have a clear and chronological sequence in your head but from a readers perspective is a little confusing.
Reading this chapter it makes it clear that the monster in the prologue was cat like while the Shadowings are a type of dragon mentioning both facts in the prologue would make sure the reader knew the dragons were the good guys.
Additionally I find italics harder to read than no italics; while it works for the prologue I would advise writing the following chapters in ‘normal’ font.
Other than the order of the paragraphs, every thing else is fantastic, you introduce the island well and show us some of the other monster like creates that exist in the world you have created. Your descriptions are also well developed and I look forward to continuing reading your story.
Thanks for the review I have applied what you said and it is going great. The first chapter is now completely different and is earlier on in the story like you suggested. Thank you.
I think what you have written works really well now and elaborates on the gap. However it seemed to me that Zoltar might sound more distressed when reporting on the events of the island to the king. If Hisster asks about news form the island and Zoltar replies that his mentor is dead, it might seem more fitting. I hope you use the description from the first part of the original ch1 a bit later on because it would be a shame if that disappeared. Did you know you are on the leader board for the most reviews this month! Very cool.
Wow I didn't know that I was on the board. I will apply the changes to my chapter immediately. I have posted some poems as well. I would love if you could look at them please.
Oh forgot to mention that the chapter you read before will happen later and it will be almost the same. I worked on that description for ages and will not throw it way, don't worry.
Good, I look forward to reading it again. I'ld be delighted to read you poems, but I dont find them as easy to review.