After breakfast, the group headed towards the Sulphur Swamps to the west of Megalonia. It was midday, so the moon talons were nowhere in sight. The only signs of life coming from the small village were the loud snores that vibrated through the hot air.
Omens that winter was on its way were everywhere. The trees no longer had their emerald sheen and were starting to fade honey yellow and blood red. Flocks of birds could be seen leaving and heading south, their shrill calls resonating in Zoltar’s ears as he flew over the moon talon village.
Soon they cleared the moon talon kingdom and where soaring over the Rocks of Death. Jagged spiked rocks potted the bleak landscape, like the spines on a thorny devils back. A hot wind swept through the columns, whistling a hollow howl as it twisted and turned around the shrub covered pillars. Dappled grey Highlasaurs nimbly bounded from peak to peak, their long tails coiling around the rocks for balance. They looked up and called out in alarm as the group of dragons soared overhead. Leaping for cover, they sprinted across the steep rocks with ease until they disappeared behind the many spears of granite covering the landscape.
After a few hours Emerald crinkled up her nose and moaned, “What is that disgusting smell?”
Zoltar took a deep lungful of air and flinched. ‘She's right. The air had a distinct sulphur scent to it. We must be nearing the Sulphur Swamp.’
Gradually the landscape began to change. The bleak rocks were now spotted with the occasional willow and had thin strands of yellow floating up from the brown puddles of mud strewn between the spikes of granite.
The rotten egg odour was getting stronger by the second and Zoltar was starting to feel quite nauseous. Emerald next to him was a swirling mass of bright lime green and sickly yellow. Even Shiraku was starting look a bit disgusted and sea talons had the worst sense of smell in the dragon kingdom.
Soon they were flying over thick, steamy marshes. Bubbles of the black goo slowly rose to the surface of the mud pools and burst, splatting sludge all over the thin reeds spearing out of the swamp. Old trees and bushes stood by the edge of the water, some had fallen in and were now rotting, letting off a foul mouldy scent that mixed with the strands of yellow sulphur seeping from the bog.
“I think it might have been useful if you had told us it would be this flaming stinking,” Emerald grouched, before turning an entirely new kind of green that Zoltar had never seen before.
“Sorry, the swamps seem to be smellier than the last time I passed this way,” Zoltar quickly apologized, concentrating all his energy into not getting sick. The air felt hot and was heavy with the foul scent of rotten meat and vegetation.
"And when might that have been," Emerald hissed quickly before clamping a paw heavily over her snout.
Zoltar was about to answer when Felistia called out “Look!” as she pointed curved claw towards the horizon, “There they are.”
Zoltar squinted through the bright sunlight and sure enough there they were, leaping through the black mud as though they were dolphin’s springing over ocean blue waves. The Highlang.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Hello again! This is a pretty short chapter, so it'll probably be a pretty short review.
I think scene would be perfect to combine with the previous chapter (although you could probably still take out one of those scenes in the previous chapter). Why? This scene is a natural progression of what happened in the previous chapter. They ate breakfast, and then this happened. The previous scene was a bit anti-climatic (as I've already mentioned) and things happen in this chapter that move the plot forward.
Who or what are the Highlasaurs? Why are they leaping for cover and hiding when they see dragons? Can Zoltar explain this to us (concisely)?
You have a habit of little things happening, then lots of time passing, and then something else happening. (Like here). It can be an effective way of passing time and I think that's what your intention is. However, it also makes it a bit harder to tell when something really significant and important is about to happen and it can dilute the more important stuff.
Like in this chapter, the important part is that they're approaching the next part of their journey. Is this encounter with the Highlasaurs and the mention of the Highlasaurs really important? What purpose does this inclusion serve other than helping to pass the time? If you're just looking to pass time, think about that a little more too. Can you expand the Highlasaur's part to make that a more significant experience? (If they aren't going to come up or be important later, I wouldn't do this). If you end up cutting the part about the Highlasaurs but still need to pass the time, can you think of a different way to pass the time? You've used description before to show what they see as they move along, so you could do that, OR you could just cut right to the chase and cut to the part where the two hours are up and they're to their destination. You don't have to show or account for every minute of their adventure
One other thing to think of with this Highlasaur stuff and passing the time, is that I understand that you're also trying to show the world. But in that same vein, I think there's a fine line with showing the world and the world becoming overwhelming. This might not matter to someone that reads a lot of fantasy (which I believe I've already said is not me :p). But when you show us lots of different places and introduce us to lots of different species and groups, it's hard for me to know what's significant and important because it all starts to run together. Again, could be a personal problem because I don't read a lot of fantasy and I don't know the common mechanisms and what not for telling a fantasy story. It's just something to keep in the back of your mind. Make sure you're being intentional with every single thing you include. I think that's the point I'm trying to make here
This ending caught me a bit off guard. I've mentioned this in previous chapters, but I would definitely like to be reminded where we are in the larger mission and what the specific plan is now. I had no idea when they set off this morning that they were looking for something. I don't know who "they" are and I don't know what "Highlang" are or why they're important or if I should be excited that the gang has found them. I'm sure some of this will be illuminated in the coming chapters, but set up what they're doing today a bit more. This will probably need to happen in previous chapters.
I said a lot of things and I hope I didn't talk in circles
Hey felistia
Great chapter, only two things I picked up on.
The air had a distinct sulphur scent to it. We must be nearing the Sulphur Swamp.’
Repeats what we already know.
Rather than repeating sulphur you might say. The air had the distinct rotten egg scent. We must be nearing the Sulphur Swamp.’ Then replace “The rotten egg odour was getting stronger by the second” with the stench was getting stronger by the second.
“I think it might have been useful if you had told us it would be this stinking,” stinking is in the wrong tense. It can become “it would stink this much” or “it would be this smelly.”
Looks like you have a few people following your story which is fantastic.
oh and I could realy picture the swamp.
Greetings again Felistia! I'm back.
)
(My review is going to be just like the last one.
'Zoltar took a deep lungful of air, ‘she was right. The air had a distinct sulphur scent to it. They must be nearing the Sulphur Swamp.’'
If he's thinking this, this part should look a bit more like this:
'Zoltar took a deep lungful of air. ‘She's right. The air has a distinct sulphur scent to it. We must be nearing the Sulphur Swamp.’
Of course, if you intended it to not be a thought, minor changes should be made:
'Zoltar took a deep lungful of air; she was right. The air had a distinct sulphur scent to it. They must be nearing the Sulphur Swamp.'
'Omens that winter was on its way were everywhere. The trees no longer had their emerald sheen and were starting to fade honey yellow and blood red.'
Love this part. So wonderful in description and feel. If you were to rewrite this entire chapter, you should just leave this one. Beautiful.
Other than that, I've got nothing left to say/mention. Great job.
Merry Christmas!
~Holographic Ladybug
Hi felistia!
Now, the dragon's are at their destination. 
Way to keep the plot moving. Now, for the review... 
Good chapter!
Not 100% sure, but I think there should be a comma after 'breakfast'.
Make sure you keep the right 'tense' when you write. Vibrating is present, but it should be vibrated. You are kind of speaking in half present/half past (if you know what I mean,) so it should be written like this - "loud snores vibrated through the hot air".
I see that you use present tense in both, but it doesn't make sense (like in the other case). Sprinting should be sprinted, or you could change "leaping" to "they leaped," and leave sprinting in present tense. Another example of this: "While writing, Meggy twirling her hair." It should be "While writing, Meggy twirled her hair." Or, "Meggy wrote while twirling her hair."
Other than that, this is pretty good!
~Snazzy
Thank you for the review. I have fixed the problems.