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Quest for Fire Book Three ~ Touch the Sky Chapter 5

The great wave of hissing fire swept across the prairie, eating everything in its path. In its wake was nothing, but smoking black waste. Red hot flames bounded through the prairie, snapping hungrily at the dragon’s wings as they sped towards the mountains. If only they could reach the rocks, then they’d be safe. With Shriken’s weight dragging them down, they were going much slower and lower than normal. They were in danger of the flames catching up with them as the fire whipped through the dry grass.

Zoltar’s wings ached from the extra weight and the flames behind him were molten hot. The smoke and heat were starting to cloud his senses and the remains of the Fangtar’s sleep gas wasn’t helping. Beside him, Felistia with panting. Blood streaked her silver scales and deep gashes covered her whole body.

One of the fingers of flame brushed against Zoltar’s pounding wings and he roared in pain as fierce heat surged up his shoulder. Clinching his talons, he beat his wings faster, gasping from the effort. The lacerations along his scales burned like acid with ever stroke.

Finally after what seemed like hours of flying flat out, they reached the safety of the mountain slopes. Zoltar immediately landed, his body thudding against the bare rock. The release of Shriken’s weight was blissful and he sighed with relief. Felistia sank to the ground, breathing heavily. The flames crackled angrily behind them, but he knew that they couldn’t reach them.

After taking a few minutes to catch his breath, Zoltar remembered Shriken. The young Ice Talon was lying still as stone beside him. Felistia seemed to have fallen asleep with exhaustion and hadn’t remembered her brother yet. Now in the light of the new dawn, Zoltar could see the extent of the damage across Shriken’s scales. He no longer was the silvery white of an Ice Talon, but was a deep crimson red, streaked with black soot marks.

Zoltar checked for signs of breathing, but to his alarm, he could find none. Shriken lay unmoving, a pool of blood starting to form around him and Zoltar realized that he was dead. Mixed emotions started to swirl through his head and he didn’t quite know how to feel. He had known that Shriken would most likely die after his rescue from the Fangtar, but he’d never really accepted it. He’d always hoped against hopes as he’d flown over the prairie fire that the young dragon would survive. Now with the Ice Talon dead at his feet, he felt strangely ashamed. If only he’d pushed him to fly a bit longer yesterday, then Shriken would still be alive.

He looked over at Felistia, who was still oblivious to the tragic happening. How was she going to react? Would she blame him and attack him? Zoltar didn’t know. His stomach was in knots and cold chills run down his back spines. His mind kept playing over what he could have done differently to prevent this from happening. He eventually came to the conclusion that Shriken had just been too young for the quest and had gotten life’s bad draw. At least he’d died fighting and with honour. Now he could ascend to the stars where all dragons went when they died.

He felt Felistia stir beside him and braced himself for what he knew was coming. Her golden eyes flickered open and she groaned. The lashes along her body were crusted in dry blood and the rips in her wings were savage. She lay still for another minute or two as she coxed herself to move her burning limbs. Finally with a roar of pain she got to her paws. A flash of realization crossed he face and she looked back in the direction of Shriken. The young Ice Talon was a pitiful sight and just a glance would have shown anyone that he was gone. A choking sob escaped her throat. Zoltar remained silent as she ran over to her brother. She ignored the pool of blood around him and threw her wings over him. Tears streamed down her snout in steady rivers. Her great sides heaved with heart wrenching howls.

Zoltar’s heart ached to see her, but there wasn’t anything he could do. Silent tears burned his eyes as he watch Felistia’s pain. It could be years before she got over this.

“No Shriken no,” she cried over and over again, her breathe ragged. Lifting her blood streaked face, she roared her pain to the rising sun long and hard for her heart was broken.

At last, after half an hour of sobbing, Felistia reluctantly lifted her head from her brother’s back. Her once glowing yellow eyes were blood shot with the tears. She stumbled over Zoltar and without a word, curled under his wing like a small dragonet and burst into a fresh stream of cries. He wrapped his obsidian wings around her, holding her tight as her heart wept. They remained that way for the rest of the day.

After many long hours the cold evening drew near and the fierce sun started to set. Vivid rivers of crimson red and violet whipped across the darkening sky. Like a great ball of fire the sun disappeared below the blackened plains and the first of the stars started to shine in the night. The two moons where full, casting their cool light across Shriken’s scales so that he once again look silver.

Both Zoltar and Felistia stood with their wings spread over him. Silent tears were still streaming down Felistia’s face and her breathe was shaky. Zoltar also was feeling grieved. Although he hadn’t known Shriken for very long, the young Ice Talon had saved his life and hadn’t deserved to die. Out of respect and tradition they were going to perform the dance of ascent. Normally a whole tribe would partake in the dance and the stars would share in their sadness. Their low hums and the clapping of wings would be heard for miles in all directions, but sadly there was no tribe for Shriken. He was an outcast like Felistia and only had the two of them to perform the ceremony. It wouldn’t be as magnificent as normal, but it would have to do.

At the stroke of midnight when the last of the stars shimmered into view, they began the ancient dragon dance of ascent. Waving their wings back and forth in a wave like motion, the moon light rippling off their scales, they swept up the dust. It swirled through the air in a delicate cloud as the dragons below twirled, sweeping their wings towards the heavens. Silver talons flashed as they swayed their arms in rhythm to the stars’ song. They began to hum a slow mournful tune that moved in time to their dance.

Shriken started to gleam and sparkle a brilliant gold as Felistia and Zoltar leapt into the evening air and continued to dance. Their tails flowed across the night sky while they circled around Shriken. The silver stars moved with them, pulsing and singing their pained song. Then Shriken burst into a cloud of sparks like fine gold dust.

Zoltar and Felistia slowly sank to the ground while performing complex, but graceful acrobatics.The shimmering mist climbed higher and higher into the night sky as the dance continued unbroken like the flow of the tides. Finally it seemed to dissolve into the very stars themselves and gave a final twinkle before disappearing. Zoltar and Felistia did on last graceful turn and ended the dance by bowing their wings over where Shriken had lain.

Comments & reviews · 4
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CanzetYote Review

I have some questions regarding this scene where Felistia cried:

"Tears streamed down her snout in steady rivers. Her great sides heaved with heart wrenching howls."

1. When Felistia cried, did her tears specifically stream down:
A: The bridge of her snout and onto the tip of her nose as she hung her head
or
B: The side of her snout diagonally and onto her lower jaw and chin

2. Exactly how would Felistia react and what would she say to me if I hugged her, rubbed her back and licked those tears streaming down her snout with my tongue during the scene where she cried? Because every time I read that, I fantasize licking every last tear from Felistia's snout.

3. Dumb question but on a scale from 1 to 10 with 10 being the saltiest, how salty would Felistia's tears taste on my tongue if I licked them directly from her snout?

4. On a scale from 1 to 10 with 1 being freezing cold and 10 being scalding hot, how warm were those tears streaming down Felistia's snout?

I know these questions sound weird but please please PLEASE reply back!

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Carlito
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Carlito wrote a review · Sun Aug 28, 2016 1:54 pm

Hello again! :D

I noticed you posted in one of the forums about making readers feel something and care when a character dies because you're evil and want to make us cry :P Having read this chapter now, I think I have some advice for you.

I think the execution of this chapter was good. You did a really nice job digging into the emotions and showing the sadness of the situation. But, I'm not particularly sad. Some people don't cry very easily and never cry when they read books. There's nothing you can do about that. (For the record, I'm not one of those people :p). I don't cry in books often, but it has happened. Harry Potter always makes me cry, and I read that every year. Other than that, I think the last book that made me cry was All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven. When I cry, it's for one very simple reason and that's because I care.

To create a really powerful heartbreaking death, you need to start early. What I mean by that is you have to really build up these characters and their relationships with one another, so that when one of them isn't there anymore, it literally causes a rip. Harry Potter as an example because to me, it's the best example of everything :)

Let's look at all of those big deaths - Sirius, Dumbledore, Dobby, Fred, Lupin/Tonks. Why are all of those soooo rip your heart out sad? Because we care so, so deeply about those characters and all of those will have a major impact on Harry and how he's going to carry on for now on. With Sirius, he was like the dad Harry never had. They barely got to know one another and they barely got to spend time together, but we could tell how much they loved one another and cared about each other and then his life got ripped away so quickly and so cruelly. With Dumbledore, he loved Harry and cared for Harry and he helped Harry in so many ways. Again, his death was so quick and so cruel, and it begged the question how Harry would ever be able to go on and complete this mission and how would Voldemort ever be defeated without Dumbledore there to help and guide him? Fred was one of the most beloved characters and he had so much life left to live, he had so many plans with his brother, he had finally started to reap the rewards of everything he had been working towards, and then just like that, gone.

In your case, I still don't feel like I ever really got to know Shriken. If I had to classify his personality, I'm not sure I could do it. He's quiet and he's Felistia's brother. I know there's more to him than that, but I haven't really seen it. Not only that, but I'm not even sure if he's essential to the plot from here on out. Yes he rescued them and that's great, but Shriken never seemed to be too invested in any of their ideas. I feel like they'll still be able to rescue their friends and carry out their mission without Shriken there. Yes it will be difficult because they'll be sad now, but if he had some bigger purpose or if he brought something to the group that only he could bring and that would help them in their mission, I think it makes his loss worse because then the reader is left wondering how they'll be able to go on without that.

I think to really pack the emotional punch you need to go back and build him up more. If Zoltar cares about him and I see all three of these dragons really caring for one another and working well as a team (key word is seeing, not telling) :) then I'm going to care a lot more about Shriken. If I see him as part of this team and as an essential, important member of the team and then he's suddenly not there anymore, that's going to be really sad.

I think another way you can beef up the emotion of this is to have the discovery of Shriken's death and the funeral in different chapters. In this chapter, focus on the discovery like you've done and the emotion of that discovery. What are the implications of this death? How will they go on now? Will the group ever be the same? I would like some conversation between Zoltar and Felistia. Maybe they could share some memories of Shriken or maybe Felistia could comfort him that he did all he could and it's not his fault. Stuff like that. Then I think you could do another chapter showing the next day after they've gotten some sleep with a conversation about what they want to do with the body and what they want to do/where they want to go from here. I want to know if/how the plan has changed now that this wrench has been thrown in the works. Then show how they honor Shriken with the ritual.

I definitely think you're on the right track here. I really liked Zoltar's guilt. Not that I think he should feel guilty, but I think that was an authentic place for him to go in that moment. This is a hard thing to write and I commend you for trying! :D Let me know if you have any questions and I'll see you when you post the next installment! (I won't procrastinate all month this time) :P

Thanks so much for another bunch of reviews. :D I'll be sure to tend to the problems as soon as possible. Thanks for the advice on the heart breaking part. I'll probably go back and build up Shriken's character.

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Snazzy
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Snazzy wrote a review · Wed Aug 24, 2016 2:35 pm

Hello!
Snazzy here for a review!

There were a couple of grammar mistakes, but not too many - so I'm going to assume they were just typos, and not lack of understanding.

The one big thing I noticed was the lack of dialogue. I think there was one one line total in this one, and that was it. It really took away from the mood of this; it made it seem not as bad or sad when they were rushing towards safety, and when Shriken died. It's not that your writing is bad (it isn't, believe me!), it's just that I had a hard time feeling any emotion. Don't add too much dialogue, as that could make it seem as if it were dragging on forever. There's just a happy middle when it comes to dialogue in tragic events that is extremely hard to find. (If I were you, I would add a few lines of dialogue while they are flying to safety, and maybe a few words from Zoltar when Felistia finds out Shriken is dead.)

A choking sob escaped her throat. Zoltar remained silent as she ran over to her brother.


I know she is in shock and grieved at the sight of her brother dead, but even in her emotional state, I don't think she would be able to run over to her brother. It makes her injuries seem not as bad, right after you clearly informed us that they were terrible. Maybe just use a different word, like "limped", or something similar to that (as fast as she could, of course).

Lifting her blood streaked face, she roared her pain to the rising sun long and hard for her heart was broken.


I love this sentence, but then again, I don't. The only part that's bugging me is the "for her heart was broken" part. It just doesn't flow right. I would either take it out, or rewrite it as "...rising sun long and hard with a broken heart", or something similar. But this sentence is overall one of the more emotional ones - nice job!

Although the "ritual-type-thing" they do was kind of odd to me at first, I actually like it! Especially the ending!

I know I got really picky in this, but only for the reason that I really like this. You are turning into a great writer, Tsunami! :D Anyway, good job, and keep writing!

~Snazzy

Thanks for the review. I'll be sure to tend to the mistakes. I agree that it does need a bit more dialogue now that I read over it. By the way did you catch the wink at the movie Dragon Heart?

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felistia
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Here is the music in which the dance of ascent sounds like.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cgovv8jWETM



Meet me in Montauk.
— Charlie Kaufman