Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy


Quest for Fire ~ Chapter 10 ~ The Attacker

by felistia


"What are you doing?” Zoltar growled through the paw clamping him to the floor.

“I was about to ask you that,” the creature snarled back, shoving Zoltar deeper into the musty leaf litter, “what are you doing here?”

“Why would I tell you? Now get off me you lousy Wisp Talon before you make me do something nasty,” Zoltar hissed crossly, wriggling to get his tail barb loose

“Oh, I know about your tail, but I’ve got something nastier. One false move and I’ll send my fangs straight through your neck. The poison is fast acting and you’ll be dead in a few seconds, so don’t try anything.”

Zoltar’s heart nearly stopped. Poison… as if shifting scales wasn’t enough. He stopped struggling and went still, hoping he could catch the Wisp Talon off guard.

Time seemed to stop as the two sat poised, each waiting for the other to make a wrong move. The eerie hoots and whistle of the forest echoed around them as the minutes passed by.

“Why are you doing this?” Zoltar finally asked after he could take the silence no more. He felt the Wisp Talon tighten her grip.

“It’s the law to keep outsiders off the island,” The Wisp Talon said stiffly, “Especially when they go rampaging through the forest, stealing Wisp Talon food.”

Was it just him or did he feel as though there was more in that statement than she was letting on? Zoltar decided he’d dig a bit, “But why have a law like that? Surly it would be beneficial to trade and communicate with the outside world?”

“I didn’t make the law,” the Wisp Talon retorted.

“So you don’t agree with the law?” Maybe he could get out of this predicament without getting a neckful of poison,

“Maybe.”

“Would that mean I can get up? You’d be surprised to know how sticky the ground gets when you’re being shoved into it,” Zoltar hoped the attempt at humour would loosen the Wisp Talon’s claws from around his neck.

The Wisp Talon snorted softly, “Fine. I’ll let you up, but not sudden moves.”

Zoltar breathed a sigh of relief as he felt her slowly release her grip. Careful, he got to his paws and turned to face his attacker. He couldn’t help, but gasp with surprise. Her scales were rippling streams of colors. Her tail was long and whip like and her claws were hooks that could easily open a coconut in one slash.

“Wow,” Zoltar murmured staring at the waves of gold and emerald rolling down the Wisp Talon’s sides. These wasn’t what he’d expected to see at all. He’d imagined a vicious, blood stained dragon that would kill anything on sight. She seemed like a normal dragon. How could she be the same dragon that had attacked him a week ago?

The Wisp Talon had backed off a few steps and was watching him nervously. She didn’t look much older than him. Her scales kept changing from violent scarlet to artic blue and back again.

“So what exactly are you doing here?” the Wisp Talon finally asked after a few agonisingly long moments, “You don’t seem to be like the other dragons that land on the island.”

“Well,” Zoltar started, wondering what on earth he was going to tell her. He couldn’t tell her his real reason and right now all excuses seemed to have vacated his brain. He could feel her brilliant gold eyes on him, scanning him as if she was reading his mind. He had to say something.

“I’m actually here because of what happen a week or so ago,” Zoltar swallowed the growing lump in his throat. He knew that he was treading on thin ground here, but he just had to find out more about the attack, “You wouldn’t know about an attack on three Shadow Talons, would you? My father and fellow tribe mate were killed…I was the only one to escape.” Anger surged through Zoltar’s veins as he remember the dreadful day.Maybe she was one of the Wisp Talons that had been in the attack.

The Wisp Talon’s face blanched of all color, “Y-y-you must have r-r-run into the F-f-fangtars.”

“Fangtars?” Zoltar cocked his head. What was she talking about now?

“Y-yes. They’re the leaders in the Wisp Talon society. They never used to be in charge, but then…” She trailed off

“What? What?” Zoltar ruffled his wings in enthusiasm. This was getting interesting. Maybe there was more to the Wisp Talons than met the eye.

“They managed to tame an Exltron. They were said to be mad. That beast had terrorized us since the dawn of time, but somehow they managed to earn its trust. Now they control the island…and everyone on it. Life’s never been the same since. There’s nothing the Wisp Talon tribe can do about them. We’ve been trying to get rid of them for centuries,” The Wisp Talon sagged to the ground, curling her tail over her talons. Her scales had faded to a cloud grey, “I’m sorry that they hurt you. I would have tried to stop them if I could. We never wanted it to be this way.”

“Oh,” Zoltar whispered. He felt as weak as a young sapling and he couldn’t get his paws to stop trembling. He’d directed his anger at the wrong dragons. All the rumours and myths about them had made them seem like blood thirsty killers. The Wisp Talon tribe weren’t monsters, they were a normal, innocent tribe oppressed by their leaders. They weren’t to blame for the accident, but now they were going to suffer its consequences. The Shadow Talons were going to take over their land and regardless of who’d done it, they’d take revenge for their fallen by killing every Wisp Talon on the Island. It would be like the whole Sea Talon war all over again and would be his fault.

“You know, you really shouldn’t be here.” Zoltar flinched at the sudden sound, but the Wisp Talon didn’t seem to notice and carried on talking, “I don’t know why you’ve come to this island, but it’s dangerous. I shouldn’t even be letting you go. It’s the law to kill outsiders on sight and I could be executed for this, but … I’m going to let you go, okay. But if I find you again, things will be different.”

Zoltar nodded sullenly. She was doing him a big favour and was potentially risking her life to do so.

“Oh and one other thing,” she paused, looking over her shoulder at Zoltar, “Don’t go out after dark,” and with a flick of her tail she faded into the dark green forest

“Wait. Can I at least know what your…” It was too late. The Wisp Talon had disappeared and Zoltar was left alone in the gathering dusk.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1114 Reviews


Points: 47180
Reviews: 1114

Donate
Tue Apr 04, 2017 8:34 pm
View Likes
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

“Why would I tell you? Now get off me you lousy Wisp Talon before you make me do something nasty,” Zoltar hissed crossly, wriggling to get his tail barb loose

How does he know its a wisp talon? Last I checked he was where the shadow talons died and one is unaccounted for, so I would have assumed it was the missing shadow talon. With this dragon on his back, how does he know?
Also, I was a little surprised by Zoltar's attitude. I would have guess he would have been more scared and less telling this attacker what to do. For all he knows this dragon is about to kill him.

Was it just him or did he feel as though there was more in that statement than she was letting on?

And like my comment above, how does he know this dragon attacker is a she? The other dragon is still on his back right? Does he know by her voice or some other way?

How could she be the same dragon that had attacked him a week ago?

Whoa whoa whoa wait what??? The same dragon that attacked him a week ago?
I don't remember that attack (there have been so many attacks :p). Did he realize this the second he turned around or did he know as soon as she attacked him? I would like more of his thoughts and that wonderful inner monologue as he realizes this.

I was the only one to escape.” Anger surged through Zoltar’s veins as he remember the dreadful day.Maybe she was one of the Wisp Talons that had been in the attack.

ooooooooooh that attack!! Now I remember :P The way it's worded above it sounds like he means this exact wisp talon attacked him before, but I don't think that's what you meant. I think you meant wisp talons in general. Maybe I just read it wrong before, but you might want to clarify that a little bit.

We’ve been trying to get rid of them for centuries,” The Wisp Talon sagged to the ground, curling her tail over her talons. Her scales had faded to a cloud grey, “I’m sorry that they hurt you. I would have tried to stop them if I could. We never wanted it to be this way.”

Who's "we"? The other wisp talons? How have they been trying to get rid of the leaders? And how could this wisp talon possibly have stopped them during that attack? You don't have to answer all of these questions at this exact second in the dialogue, but they're just things I'm curious about :)


I appreciated getting to learn more about the wisp talons and I liked this interesting little plot twist about the wisp talons not quite being so bad. It's a nice addition to this draft! Because now it becomes so much more than just a fantasy/adventure story. There's a big moral dilemma now and I'm super curious to see how Zoltar is going to handle it! :D

I wish we could have gotten the dragon's name, but it's also okay that you didn't include it, especially if this is the only time the dragon will appear. The warning about not going out after dark was interesting to me too, because I have a vague memory of someone else telling Zoltar that (although I can't remember who...) I'm guessing it has something to do with the Exltron, and I also have feeling at some point Zoltar will not heed this advice... ;)

Looking forward to reading more as always, and in the meantime feel free to let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't already mention! :D




felistia says...


Thanks again for the review. I haven't be on the site much lately. I'm fixing up the first six chapters of my story as those seem to be in need of argent renovating. I should start writing new chapters soon though. :D



User avatar
113 Reviews


Points: 24
Reviews: 113

Donate
Tue Mar 14, 2017 3:20 pm
Featherstone wrote a review...



I'M BACK!

Nothing in particular to nitpick about this chapter. I'd say read through it again- I saw a couple places where there we some typos, but nothing major.

Love the warning! (YES FORESHADOWING <3)

So, it wasn't the Wisp Talons, it's the Fangtars. Interesting. I can't wait to find out more!

All in all, nice chapter. Nothing in particular that caught my eye, but I like how the story is developing.

Good job!

~ Fea




User avatar
391 Reviews


Points: 63264
Reviews: 391

Donate
Sun Feb 19, 2017 5:43 am
View Likes
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hello!

Huh... interesting chapter. The Fangtars are... evil. xP Unless this Wisp Talon is lying, but I'm guessing that's not the case.

“Oh and one other thing,” she paused, looking over her shoulder at Zoltar, “Don’t go out after dark,” and with a flick of her tail she faded into the dark green forest.


I love this bit of ominous warning - I really want to know what comes out at night or what happens if he does. I think Zoltar may - on accident or not.

"What are you doing?” Zoltar growled through the paw clamping him to the floor.


It took me until Zoltar saw the Wisp Talon's scales/multicolored body that he couldn't see the dragon before. Maybe making this a bit more clear that he was against the ground and couldn't see her at all? Just little things like that clear up the confusion. Basically, imagining that the reader doesn't know *anything* is a good way to decide whether something should be included.

I feel like the Wisp Talon told Zoltar a little too much. There's the bit of line where she says she's sorry they hurt him, but that still doesn't seem like enough motivation for her to tell Zoltar all of this - especially when her life is on the line. Letting him go seems a bit too unrealistic too. It seems like Zoltar's getting it off a *bit* too easy. This chapter more seemed like a way for Zoltar to get all this information - and give it to the reader - in a way that's easy for Zoltar. I think it would have been a bit better if he went through something a bit harder to obtain the information.

I think that's it for this chapter! I wonder if this character will reappear in future chapters! o:

I hope this helps!<3

~EternalRain




User avatar
1069 Reviews


Points: 113200
Reviews: 1069

Donate
Wed Feb 08, 2017 8:52 am
View Likes
Mea wrote a review...



Hello, hello. :)

So I was wrong, not the surviving member, but another interesting side character.

So, lots of information found out today, and it turns out the Wisp Talons aren't as evil as we thought, so ooh drama. Clearly this makes it more complicated, and I'll just have to see if Zoltar isn't quite so eager about finding the items to drive the Wisp Talons away yet. It seems like the real "villain" here is the Exltron and the Fangtars.

“It’s the law to keep outsiders off the island,” The Wisp Talon said stiffly, “Especially when they go rampaging through the forest, stealing Wisp Talon food.”

Was it just him or did he feel as though there was more in that statement than she was letting on? Zoltar decided he’d dig a bit, “But why have a law like that? Surly it would be beneficial to trade and communicate with the outside world?”

This felt a little contrived to me, and because of that the rest of the conversation did too. It's far from odd for tribes to try to keep outsiders off their land, and I would have assumed Zoltar's tribe did this too. Something like "I wasn't trying to steal your food, I was just looking for something," feels like a much more natural rebuttal. Now, if you didn't include the part about rampaging/stealing food, it would fit better.

However, even then I feel like a lot more subtlety is needed. Why on earth is she happy to just dump all this information on Zoltar? Letting it be known how split her tribe is could be dangerous, and if word gets back that she's been saying this stuff she could probably get in a lot of trouble. It would be better to let the reader infer the details and make Zoltar have to pry more. Basically, after she says "it must have been the Fangtars" you could have him ask what they are and just flatly say "they rule the island. They control the Exltron" and then have her let him go but refuse to really explain herself. Or have him pry more. Right now it feels too much like an infodump and like she's revealing way too much of herself to a potentially hostile stranger.

Life’s never been the same since. There’s nothing the Wisp Talon tribe can do about them. We’ve been trying to get rid of them for centuries,”

This confused me a lot. Is the "them" supposed to be the Exltron or the Fangtars? Because while it makes sense if Exltrons have been around for centuries, I don't see how the Fangtars could have been ruling the Wisp Talons for so long and have that not be common knowledge. Plus, that makes it sound like they subjugated the Exltron that long ago, when I had thought it was a recent thing.

I liked the reference to the Sea Talon war, how it hints at that context and the wider world. Nice little bit of worldbuilding. :)

And that's all I've got today!




felistia says...


Thank so much for the review. I'll get to fixing up this chapter as soon as possible.

This is a very new part of the story that I just thought up about a few weeks ago so it's in need of quite a bit of criticism. Thank you for that.

Thanks again and I hope you have a wonderful day. :D




Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results.
— Willie Nelson