Published August 25, 2017
The thud of Zoltar’s paws against dry earth echoed through the tunnels as he stomped home. His tail was lashing back and forth. What was Hisster thinking? Going to the Howler Dragons was the worst plan ever. Surely it would be better to try and negotiate a peace treaty before using the Howler Dragons to declaring war. There was a reason they lived in the Forbidden Hills. None of the other tribes wanted anything to do with them after the tricks they’d pulled.
Surely Hisster must realize the risk he was taking? Even if he did, he was putting the future of the Shadow Talons at risk. They needed land and fast. On top of that there was no telling how the Howler dragons might react to the deal. They could see the Shadow Talons as weak and decided to take the Shadow Lands for themselves. With only Scorpus, Mouzan and himself to defend the hundred or so remaining Shadow Talons, the Howler Dragons could wipe them out with a flick of the tail. Hisster was either taking an enormous gamble or he just didn’t realize what he could be walking into.
“Hey Zoltar.”
Zoltar was jerked from his thoughts as Mouzan came rushing down the tunnel towards him. A surge of relief filled Zoltar when he saw his brother. He was alive. Many of the soldiers didn’t return from scout missions and Zoltar was always worried Mouzan would someday never return. Pushing his worries aside, Zoltar embraced his brother, wrapping his pitch black wings around him. Warmth filled him from his snout to the tip of his tail.
“Are you okay?” Zoltar asked, a little worried as he surveyed a slash on the base of Mouzan’s tail. It looked red and inflamed.
“Oh I’m fine,” Mouzan said, rubbing the back of his neck, “I just ran into some Coo Chie. Man, they don’t like it when someone tries to steal their eggs.”
Zoltar rolled his eyes. It was a wonder Mouzan was still alive after all the trouble he got into.
“I know, I know. It was a stupid idea,” Mouzan admitted, catching onto Zoltar’s thoughts, “I was hungry and wasn’t thinking straight.”
“Mmm hmm,” Zoltar arched his eye crests, “Always the one that’s getting into trouble.”
Mouzan grinned sheepishly.
“So are you going to Hisster?” Zoltar asked, changed the subject.
“Yah,” Mouzan said, sighing, “I didn’t find any islands though, so it’s just going to be a check in to let him know I’m back.”
“Oh I’m sure it’ll be more than a check in.” Zoltar winked, before starting back up the passage, “Don’t ask me why.”
Mouzan gave him a funny look, but didn’t ask any questions as he carried on his way.
As soon as his brother was behind him, Zoltar’s worries started boil to the surface once more.
Would Scorpus return from his scout mission? Had he fallen victim to the dangers outside the Shadow Lands as the other soldiers had? He was a day late and it wasn’t like him to be gone for so long. If he didn’t return only Zoltar and Mouzan would be left to defend the tribe and with this whole Howler dragon situation there was bound to be trouble. At least Mouzan would be there to hold his back.
Zoltar turned down one of the more narrow passages as he headed to his quarters. A dim fire rock lit the small room, the weak light just enough to make out a rock slab in the corner; his only possession left in the world.
There wasn’t much left to do other than go to sleep. The other Shadow Talons would have been asleep hours ago being that they need all the energy they could get. Curling up into a tight ball on the slab, Zoltar closed his eyes, waiting for the relief of sleep to come. He needed to be ready for anything tomorrow. Scorpus might not return and who knew how the Howler Dragons would react to Shadow Talons.
…
Zoltar’s heart thundered as he streaked across a barren landscape. Clouds of ash billowed from the earth, choking his every breath. The sky was dark as death with no moon to give its comforting light. The world around him was hazy with grey mist as he sped on. He ran until his legs were on fire, but still he didn’t seem to go anywhere. He couldn’t escape the darkness around him. There was no light to be found. He roared for help, for anyone, but no answer came.
Now the darkness seemed to be closing in on him, squeezing him with its coils. A pounding filled his ears as he was consumed by the darkness. He couldn’t breathe. There was no air, only the icy fingers of black smoke twisting over him.
Zoltar woke with a yell. His heart was pumping as he sat up. It had only been a dream, just another nightmare. Taking deep breaths he looked around the room. What had woken him? The fire rocks jutting out of the walls were glowing dimly, indicating that it was still early in the morning. Maybe it had been nothing. Who would be up at this time of morning anyway?
Just as he was about to lie back down to sleep, Zoltar’s sharp hearing picked up on the faint knocking of claws on dirt as a shadow slid pasting the tunnel outside his room. Zoltar was up in a flash, his heart once again hammering away in his chest. He hurried over to the entrance to the main tunnel. It was empty. The only movement inside the tunnel was the faint flickering of the fire rocks strewn along the walls.
Zoltar shook his head wondering if he’d imagined the whole thing. He scanned the floor looking for claw marks or signs of tail drags, but there was nothing, no sign that anyone had been in the tunnel.
Shaking his head again, Zoltar went back to his room. He must have imagined it. No one could be up at this time anyway. It was the middle of the night. Sunrise was many heartbeats away and almost everyone had been asleep since sunset.
As he settled back into bed, Zoltar still couldn’t shake the feeling that he hadn’t imagined the whole thing. He couldn’t’ have been that sleepy. Worry started to gnaw away as his gut. What could it have been? He hadn’t had a good enough look at the shadow to see how big it was. It could have been anything.
The image of the Shyfu he’d seen earlier flashed before his eyes. What if one of those had found its way into the tunnels. It had happened before.
‘For suffering serpents’ sake, they slide on their bellies. There would have been drag marks if one of those serpents had found their way down here,’ he thought as he scolded himself for being so paranoid. For all he knew he could have imagined it and even if he hadn’t it was probably Scorpus back after his scouting mission. There was no need to get his scales rattled over something so silly.
Taking a deep breath, Zoltar sighed. He should just go back to sleep and see what happened in the morning. He needed all his wits about him for tomorrow.
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139,933 Literary Works • 672,750 Reviews
Somehow I don't think Zoltar is just being overly paranoid.
And I really have a feeling that Scorpus isn't comign back.
This chapter honestly feels far weaker than the previous ones, which were generally very strong. On a technical level, your prose doesn't flow nearly as well in this chapter, and I caught more grammar errors than normal. (Mostly missing commas, which makes the prose read too fast and sound disjointed.) I'll go through a couple paragraphs line-by-line to try to show you what I mean.
This was definitely the few paragraphs with the most errors, but in general I'd highly recommend using more commas and reading this part out loud as you go through it so you can catch what sounds awkward.
I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but it applies here as well - although it's great to get in Zoltar's head, his inner monologue can get somewhat repetitive at times. I think if you smooth the prose out, it won't really be a problem anymore.
However, what actually happens in this chapter is pretty important and kind of scary. There's so few scouts left - I can't help but wonder why on earth Hisster has been sending them all out since they just keep getting killed. And how on earth does he think they're going to drive out another tribe, even if they get the Howler Dragons to help? No wonder Zoltar thinks this is a terrible plan.
I also like the further development of the relationship between Zoltar and his brother. Watching them banter is great, and I'm really hoping Mouzan doesn't wind up dying anytime soon.
This just sounds juvenile, and to me doesn't really fit with Zoltar's character, or with the serious nature of the situation.
I think that's all I've got for this part! Sorry it was a bit more critical than I usually am.
Hey, I'm here to review!
Based on the first paragraph, I think Zoltar has explained well enough about the risk of using dragons to declare war instead of making a peace treaty, so I don't think this question is needed. Readers can deduce it by themselves.
Since the first half of a dialogue doesn't continue to the second half, the second comma should be a period instead. This is true unless the entire dialogue is a sentence. I can see this kind of dialogue some other places, so you might want to fix that. Here's an example of how you break the dialogue with action.
Death is an abstract concept, so it doesn't have any colour, which makes it useless for a comparison to one. I would suggest to replace it with something imaginable.
Alright, so nothing much happens in this chapter, which means the review would be short. I like the relationship between Zoltar and Mouzan as brothers. The hug he gives to him is pretty cure. His worry over his Shadow Talon friends is pretty much endearing, and kudos to you for portraying it without making him annoying.
I also like the dream he has at the end. It serves as a mystery for readers to be intrigued about, and it seems to me like it's a result for his constant worry. I'm not sure, however, as I thought there might be new Shadow Talons coming. Perhaps Scorpus, the one he's been worried about before. Whatever it is, I feel like it can be either two things: something more than a dream and hallucination, or perhaps just the two.
All in all, this is a solid chapter, and I'm pleased to see the length of it since I remembered you having short chapters before. Your ability in description is excellent as usual, so keep up the good job!
Hello for the fourth time now!
I'm glad that we were able to delve a bit more into Zoltar's mind after the previous chapters, especially with his opinion of Hisser's plan. Our main character's worries are not wrong to have in any way and I can only imagine the kind of consequences this will have once Hisser decides to enact his plan.
I'm also glad to see more interactions between Zoltar and his brother as well as his reasonable concerns for Scorpus considering what has happened and is currently happening. The dream scene as well more thoughts from Zoltar were nice too.
Keep writing!