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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Quest for Fire Book Two ~ To the Ice Kingdom Chapter 19

by felistia


Zoltar woke with a start as the thin fingers of an early dawn crept through the cell window, casting golden light over his obsidian black scales.

How long had he been asleep for? He remembered hearing the drilver dragons, but it all went blank after that. Maybe he'd simply blacked out. He hadn't had a good nights sleep in three days and it was starting to ware on him. He flicked his tail around to inspect his nights work. The metal around the tail was deformed and had bubbled where the fire had met the metal. The lock holding the two peices of metal around his tail was almost off and looked like a few more blasts of fire would finish the job.

Zoltar's heart raced with anticipation. They'd be able to get out tonight as soon as most of the palace went to sleep. They might even be able to steal the ice diamond. Zoltar had seen the gem inside the queen's throne room. He still hadn't told Felistia as he wasn't sure how she'd react. Before he'd be afraid that she'd warn the ice talons, but now that he'd learned of her history, he wasn't so sure she'd side with her kind.

"Felistia." Zoltar nudged the sleeping ice talon gently on the wing, "Please wake up."

Felistia inhaled sharply as her glittering eyes flickered open, "Yes?" She yawned sleepily, sitting up with her slender tail lying over her talons like a sleeping snake.

Felistia?" Zoltar probed cautiously, not wanting to upset her in any way, "I kind of have something to confess to you. I never told you why we were going into the ice talon kingdom," Zoltar chuckled nervously. "Well, funny thing is that I was kind of....going to steal the ice diamond. You're not mad...right?"

"Why would I be mad. On the contra, I'm actually quite the opposite." Felistia angrily bared her sparkling white teeth making Zoltar flinch involuntarily, "I. Hate. Shiler. So knowing that you're going to try to take something she holds dear, well it makes me feel wonderful. Why, I'll even help you steal it.

Zoltar breathed a deep sigh of relief. He'd been so sure that Felistia was going to be angry, so it was a great relief knowing that she was going to help him steal the ice diamond. He'd planned to do it in secret while Felistia was distracted, but when they'd been caught, he'd known that he'd have to tell her. He wouldn't have been able to sneak off by himself while escaping this place.

"That's great," Zoltar exclaimed happily as he whipped his tail around to show Felistia his handy work.

Felistia gasped and took his tail in her paws, "When did you do this?" Her voice carried a note of awe.

"Last night, while you were asleep. I spent the whole night trying to melt it. I think a few more blasts of fire should finish the job," Zoltar explained excitedly. It was great knowing that Felistia liked his work.

"So what's the plan?" Felistia asked inquisitively, pushing his tail away. When Zoltar didn't respond immediately, a hint of irritation crossed her face and she whined, "Don't tell me you got me all excited for nothing."

Rolling his eyes in amusement, Zoltar laughed and said, "Of cause I have a plan, but we have to wait until tonight."

"Oh. Great," Felistia smiled and edged closer to Zoltar, touching her wing to his, "So tell me this plan of yours."

"Well," Zoltar began, enjoying the brush of Felistia's silver scales against his wing, "When this casing is off, I will be able to melt out chains and the door locks. I'll knock out the guard behind the door and then we'll make our way to the throne room. There I'll steal the diamond. Then we must find our way out and make a break for the border," Zoltar explained enthusiastically, "I know it's a bit sketchy, but it's the best I have at the moment."

"That's good enough for me," Felistia twined her tail with his, her pearl white scales gleaming against his crystal black ones, "We can adapt it as we go. In the mean time you should get some rest," She curled up next to him and said, "I'll keep watch. You need a good sleep." She smiled as he lay down beside her and drift off to sleep.


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Sun May 01, 2016 3:08 pm
AnarchyWolf wrote a review...



AnarchyWolf here to review!

First - what you did well and what I liked. Dragons are used quite a lot in fiction, but it's been a while since I saw them as the main characters with their own nations and dynamics. It's an interesting premise.

Your descriptions are possibly my favorite parts of the chapter. The descriptions like "... thin fingers of an early dawn..." and "... deformed and had bubbled..." add to the mood and bring a very clear image of the setting and the characters to the reader.

Secondly, what you could improve. Like HolographicLadybug said, the 'nights' in "He hadn't had a good nights sleep..." and "...his nights work..." need to become possessive.

There are just a few technical errors in this piece, like when you say "... You're not mad...right?"" the 'r' after the ellipsis needs to be a capitol letter. Also, it might just be my laptop, but I can't tell if there's a space there or not. If not, then put a space between the end of the ellipsis and the word 'right'.

"Why would I be mad." needs a question mark instead of a period, because it's a question and not a statement.

"... you steal it..." needs to have the end of the dialogue indicated. Right now, it's just hanging off and it takes a while to work out that the new paragraph isn't dialogue, too.

My apologies that this review was somewhat short.

Happy review day

-AnarchyWolf




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Sun May 01, 2016 10:47 am
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Caught up! :)

He hadn't had a good nights sleep

and
He flicked his tail around to inspect his nights work.

Nights should be possessive, turning it into night's.

The second to last paragraph you have where Zoltaa is explaining his plan, you have two tags (ex. he said, she said, we explained, etc.): Zoltar began, enjoying the brush of Felistia's silver scales against his wing, and Zoltar explained enthusiastically,. As you can see they're in the same paragraph. But only one tag would do because we already know that Zoltar is talking, so another tag isn't necessary.

The only criticism I have for you this time is this: wouldn't the guards notice the melted chain? They go in to feed them, right? So there's a chance that this guard would notice it. What you could do to fix this is have Zoltar remark to himself (like a thought) how he had to hide his tail every time a guard came in and how fortunate it was that they didn't notice anything suspicious. Or something like that.

Well, that's it from me. I love how far the story is progressing so far and I can't wait to read more (which, unfortunately, won't be for a while because I'm off YWS again after Review Day). Now, don't forget to keep being awesome and to never quit writing. :D
~Holographic Ladybug ;) Fahrvergnügen




felistia says...


Thank you for all your wonderful review and I will be sure to go back and change the problems.
The bit about the guards noticing Zoltar's melted chain. The guards feed them later in the day so the guards haven't had the chance to see the melted chain. In the next chapter I will have whole bit about how Zoltar hid his chain from them.
Thanks again. :D





Glad I could help. :)




No person can be a great leader unless he takes genuine joy in the successes of those under him.
— W. A. Nance