'Well, this is just get better and better,’ Zoltar thought as he felt his stomach start to twist into a knot. ‘These aren’t just town dragons who decided to start playing rough; they’re the queen’s soldiers.’
Zoltar swallowed hard. What did the queen of the ice talons want with a lowly shadow talon and exiled ice talon? Whatever it was, it couldn’t be good.
The bright morning sun bounced off the clear crystal walls of the palace. The towering pillars of ice sparkled and gleamed, casting rainbows of colour over the advancing soldiers. Jagged spikes of ice bared the palace doors and archers stood guard at the gates, their bows at the ready as the pack of ice talons swooped into land.
As he landed, the leading soldier let go of his iron grip on Zoltar, sending him tumbling to the ground. He landed with a muffled thump as he hit the frozen ground outside the gates, the shock of the impact knocking the breath right out of him. Zoltar lay there gasping for breath for a few seconds before Felistia dropped next to him, causing her to groan in pain as she smacked onto the hard ice. She slowly opened her eyes, blinking as the harsh sun light momentarily blind her.
“Zoltar?” she questioned through her muzzle, her sides heaving, “What’s going on?”
“There’s no time to explain,’ Zoltar whispered, glancing up to see that the soldiers were coming back for them, “Look, you have to get up. I don’t know what they’ll do to you if you don’t.”
Breathing hard from the effort, Felistia gingerly got to her feet. Zoltar was afraid that she was going to fall back down and hobbled over as fast as his chains would let him to steady her wavering body.
“It’s okay. I can stand on my own,” Felistia grimaced as the soldiers approached them, the cruel, metal chains hanging from their neck clanging together like icicles.
“Come you two. The queen wishes to see you,” The largest soldier commanded as he quickly bound Zoltar and Felistia’s wings with the thick chains.
Felistia shot Zoltar a frightened look as they were led across the walk way into the palace, the heavy doors slamming shut behind them with a threatening boom.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Hello again! LOOK AT THIS MAGIC! I AM ACTUALLY CAUGHT UP NOW! Did you ever think this day would come?
This is another very short chapter, and at some point (probably when I see what comes after this) I'm going to suggest combining it with something else. To me, these super short chapters just feel unfinished. I'm fine with doing short chapters, and that's clearly been your style throughout this piece, but I would recommend making them a bit longer. I don't know what happened, but after chapter 32 or so they started getting suuuper short.
I felt like we were missing some steps at the start of this chapter. I still think you would be well served to start this chapter with them arriving at this destination. Then you have some dots to fill in. I have no idea where they are or what's going on right now. I don't really understand what's happening to him or how he learned that the queen's soldiers have him right now.
Why does he assume it can't be good (he's probably right, but give me a little more of his thoughts).
You're really good at giving specific visuals about what this place looks like, but I want a big picture here. What's this palace like? How big are we talking? Is there a moat? Are there towers? What's the guard system or security getting into this place like? How do you get to the front gate? Etc.
This dialogue was weird to me. I get why Felistia would ask what's going on because she was knocked out and obviously has no idea what's going on. But what I don't get is why Zoltar answered as if he knows. "There's no time to explain" implies he understands what's happening here. Sure, he can explain that they were taken and where they are, but other than that he has no idea what's going either. And then I didn't really care for his last little bit about asking her to get up. I can't quite put my finger on why it's not working for me just that it isn't. I think you could leave it at "Come on, you have to get up" and then have him help her. He says he cares about her, so show him caring about her. (by him helping)
Like I mentioned earlier, this chapter feels unfinished to me. I want more to happen. We just started to get into the scene and now we have to flip the page and start a new chapter. To me, that breaks the suspense. I have a feeling that when you post the next chapter I'm going to recommend you combining it with this one.
That's all for now, and now I have to wait
Hey Carlito, thank you so much for all those wonderfully helpful reviews you gave me and all the notifications.
They were very insightful and it looks like I have got a lot of work to do.
I will reply to the other reviews as I get to them, but I thought I should just say thank you for all of them right now, so thank you very much.
You're very welcome! I'm sorry it took me so long!
(And thank you for the gift)
I'm glad you found the reviews helpful!
I'm looking forward to reading more!
Word count: 349Well, it appears as if the marvelous ParchedPen got here first, so hopefully I won't repeat anything they've said previously (I don't read other reviews before my own).
Spoiler
wises=wishes
"His" should probably be "him".
Somehow, I have less to say in this chapter than the other two. Hopefully this will have some sort of quality to it. (Bear with me!)
I like how far the plot is moving along now. They're trapped and what is going to happen is unpredictable for Zoltar (maybe not for Felistia). I have a feeling that a secret about her is going to be revealed soon and I can't wait to find out what happens!
I really liked your description of the outer palace. The light reflecting off of it was marvelous and really made the setting seem more realistic. I's a bit like a painting with a lot of fine details.
However, I kind of wish that you had described the interior more. You could be waiting to do that in the next chapter, which is perfectly fine. But because your imagery was so good earlier, right now it feels like there's a bit of a drop in it. Again, you could just be waiting, which is fine.
(Another short one! ARG!) Well, that concludes this short review from me. As always, if you have any sort of questions, stop being a lazy RainWing and ask me some questions.
Anyway, never stop writing (because I want to find out what happens next)!
~Holographic Ladybug
Thanks for the review.
I am going to describe the interior in the next chapter and I am also going to put a bit more description in this chapter too.
Have a great day.
Hello, there! I'm Pen, and I think it's quite obvious that I'm here to review your post. Lol!
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"The bright morning sun bounced off the clear crystal walls of the palace. "-----> I really like that phrase, even though I think the description of the sun movement should be changed to something slower. Typically, the sun doesn't move as fast as bouncing, but merely lingering.
The bright morning sun bounced off the clear crystal walls of the palace. The towering pillars of ice sparkled and gleamed, casting rainbows of colour over the advancing soldiers. Jagged spikes of ice bared the palace doors and archers stood guard at the gates, their bows at the ready as the pack of ice talons swooped into land.-------> Actually, this whole paragraph is very nice. Bravo! Can very much see the picture. I just love it.
"......knocking the wind right out of him as he hit the frozen ground outside the gates."-----> Your overall writing style seems to be very sophisticated, but that sentence in specific was a little strange and even could be called out of place. How could someone knock someone else's wind out? It pulled me out of the gracious mood you put me through in the previous two paragraphs. Maybe, you should go with something that gives a more...literary feeling. Am I making any sense?
"Felistia was dropped next to him..."-------> I think you can lose 'was'. It will sound lighter.
Felistia shot Zoltar a frightened look as they were lead into the palace, the heavy doors slamming shut with a threatening boom.-------> Separate into two sentences. One that ends with the frightened look and the other starts with them being led. And remember, it should be "were led", not " were lead".
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That was a very good read. I liked your writing style which, I must say, is sophisticated, unlike many styles we find scattered in failing and, shamefully, published books! He's a forty years old writer and he writes like a two year old kid. But I digress!!
I have one very tiny point here. The chapter is very short. It's actually very very short, that it should be called a scene. Try to put together more than one scene and make it a chapter. A chapter could be five, six or even fifteen pages. If you're not very comfortable with long chapters, then just stick with the five pages.
That's all! I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.
♪♪Pen
Thanks for the review. I will be sure to fix the mistakes.