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Young Writers Society



Quest for Fire ~ Chapter 19 ~ Megalonia

by felistia


The sapphire blue ocean whizzed past Zoltar as he soared out of the mist. The golden sun danced on his obsidian scales, driving away the damp, cold vapour from the maze and replacing it with excited anticipation. He was on his way.

“I never want to do that again. Please tell me we don’t have to go through that again?” Emerald shivered, shaking her wings and tail. Her scales were slowly fading from grey to vibrant emerald green.

“Only when we come back to the island, which will be in a while and it won’t be as bad as this time since Shiraku will be under close supervision.” Zoltar shot Shiraku a look and she smiled sheepishly.

“Sorry about that. I don’t know what came over me.”

“I don’t know what came over you either,” Zoltar arched his eye brows and grinned. He couldn’t stay mad at her. Besides, it was kind of hard to talk to a dragon that kept twitching and scratching from no apparent reason.

“Are you okay?” Zoltar asked, cocking his head.

“Oh I’m fine. Just waiting for you to finish talking so that I can start swimming,” Shiraku replied as she gave her head another good itch.

“Oh for scales sake, just go. You’re enough to drive a dragon to madness,” Zoltar roared, rolling his eyes.

There was a loud splash from below as Shiraku dived into the sea. A few seconds later she leapt out of the crystal clear water, her scales gleaming like polished turquoise as the diamond drops of water slid down her wings.

“Feel better?” Zoltar asked, peering behind him at Shiraku, who was smiling happily as she shook the water off her snout and tail.

“Oh, the sea feels so good after all these months. I had to swim in the lakes on the island, but they just weren’t the same. There’s something about the way the salt water tickles your gills and the currents pull at your tail. Oh, I have missed it,” she smiled again and tilted her wings to catch the sunlight, so that her whole body looked like the bluest abalone shell.

Zoltar sighed. The way Shiraku had described the sea had made him remember that she still had the choice of leaving for the Sea Talon Kingdom at any time. Felistia too could go back to the Ice Talon Kingdom. Zoltar had known that they'd probably go back to their own tribes, but the thought of them really going just felt surreal. They'd been with him the whole time he'd been on the island and he'd kind of gotten used to seeing them every day. He'd got to know them pretty well and didn't really want to say goodbye to them. Still he had to bite the bone sometime.

"F-Felistia?" Zoltar started shakily, dreading the answer he was going to get, "Have you decided whether you want to go back to the Ice Kingdom?" He flinched as Felistia's wings faltered for a second, "Not that I'm rushing you or anything. I just wanted to know if you've made a decision."

"I haven't really made a decision yet, Zoltar," Felistia spat with surprising anger.

"I didn't mean to upset you. It's just that I need to go to the Ice Kingdom for...something and I was wondering if you could stay a little while since we're going that way anyway?"

Felistia didn't answer him and instead gazed off into the distance as though she were staring across the frozen tundra’s of the Ice Kingdom.

Zoltar sank a few wing beats away from Felistia. He hadn't meant to come off rude or pushy. He wasn't even sure how'd he'd upset her. Why had she gotten so angery? Zoltar just couldn't get his head around it. He was almost relieved when Emerald brushed her wing tip up against his.

"What was that all about?" Emerald asked, a confused and yet sympathetic look on her snout.

"I actually don't know. It just came out of nowhere. I was just asking her if she'd decided to go home," Zoltar murmured, confusion still clouding his head.

"Maybe she's just a bit stressed after going through the maze. I am, thanks to Shiraku," Emerald gave the Sea Talon a significant look, "Just give her some time. She'll come around."

“Look. There’s the continent,” Shiraku called, pointing a silver claw at the dark line on the horizon.

Zoltar looked up, his heart fluttering like a small bird. The shore line of the Moon Talon Kingdom was fast approaching. Dark forest outlined the coast line. Zoltar could see small silver lizards springing from tree to tree as they hurried back to their hollows.

The sun was slowly dropping lower in the sky and as the band of dragons neared the shore, streaks of bright pinks and marigold were starting to stream across the sky.

Zoltar swooped in and landed on the thin strip of beach, spraying pebbles in all direction. He heard the others touchdown close be. He looked around to see Felistia walk past him and up a sand dune towards the forest. Her tail was lashing and her wings were hunched over. She curled up without a word.

‘Something's wrong with her,’ Zoltar worried, staring at the silent ice talon. Had she just been hiding who she was on the island to take advantage of him or was something else going one? He'd have to keep a close eye on her and hope that it was just a faze.

“I have never seen a sunset over the ocean,” Emerald gazed out onto the ocean, the sun's dyeing light reflecting off her golden eyes, “It’s so beautiful.”.

“Yes it is the best place to see the sun go down,” Shiraku sighed, sitting down and staring over the miles of sea before her.

“It is beautiful,” Zoltar admitted, think back to the Shadow Lands sunsets; they were never as good as this.

Emerald curled up next to Zoltar, her tail draped over her talons. She smiled at him as she watched the spectacle silently. Zoltar felt a rush of content brush over him. Emerald was safe and Shiraku and Felistia were close by. He was on the contentment and soon would be on his way to the Ice Talon Kingdom, but fear still clawed at him deep down. There was something wrong with Felistia and Shiraku could still leave at any second. He'd just have to wait and see what tomorrow brought.

The sun, like a fiery yellow orb splashed into the ocean sending a spray of glowing orange coals scattering across the sky. The pebbles on the beach sparkled a golden brown as the sun cast its amber rays over the seashore. The lapping waves shone in the dying light as the sky slowly shifted from bright pink and scarlet to violet and indigo. Soon the stars sparked into sight and the moons’ glittering silver light gleamed down on the four sleeping dragons, curled up on the beach.


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Thu Mar 02, 2017 5:08 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey felistia! I reviewed the last chapter already (it was actually the first chapter I had reviewed!) so here I am. I'm on my phone again, apologies for weird things autocorrect or my fingers may do.

I really liked this much more relaxing chapter - it was much needed after all they've been though! It wasn't intense and it was just nice and calm. Especially that last scene. I loved it. Beautiful descriptions and so sweet!

Really, not much went down during this chapter plot-wise, except snappy Felistia. I'm going to be brief because Mea already talked about it, but I'm confused as to why Zoltar is confused. He knows - not all, but some - about Felistia and her getting kicked out of the tribe. It's a bit weird that he's miffed.

The Moon Talon Kingdom? Oh boy, this sounds exciting! I'm very pumped to read about them. I feel like the connectivity of their plan/travel is a bit... limited? Like, as a reader, I'm just waiting for what's going to happen and where they're going to go - which is okay, but I think I would also like some padding and plotting from the characters about what they're going to do. Because realistically, I don't think they're just gonna wander wherever they can. It's not like they know the plot of the story (and neither do the readers!).

Hmm. I think that's it for this chapter. Though not much happened, it was very nice to take a break and deep breath and absorb the nature around them!

Have a good day!

~EternalRain




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Thu Feb 16, 2017 3:36 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Yay, they're free! Also wow, I can't believe this is the last one you have out so far. What am I going to review now? :P

This part:

"F-Felistia?" Zoltar started shakily, dreading the answer he was going to get, "Have you decided whether you want to go back to the Ice Kingdom?

I was surprised by this because I thought the whole point was that Felistia can't go back home because the queen kicked her out. So I'm surprised Zoltar thinks she'd be considering that.

In general, Zoltar being confused at to why Felistia's upset at the question kind of makes him come off as a little clueless or insensitive. She did tell him all this stuff, and it's really clear from her body language and actions that it's a sensitive subject, so it's weird that he's acting like it's a mystery and that he needs to keep an eye on her.

I really liked the quiet moment at the end. The imagery is beautiful, and it feels like a needed moment of calm before a lot of the difficult stuff that will come. I also liked how happy Shiraku was at swimming in the sea again.

Final feelings so far: I feel like we're still in the first third of the novel, possibly just about to launch into the second third, since you've introduced most of the main characters and they're going to go off on the mission pretty soon, presumably. I'd be curious to know what your word count is at this point. I feel like this is moving rather slowly, but a lot of that is probably just that I'm reading it online in lots of small sections.

You've done a good job at introducing our protagonists for the novel, as well as the major conflicts. Their personalities are all interesting and engaging, and I care about them. Your world could still use a little bit of work - you have all the names, places, and history but it doesn't come alive to me yet. I think that's because we never get to see what a normal life is like for the dragons. We don't see the Shadow Talons go hunting, or training, or just lounge together at the end of the day. The Shadow Talons have lost a lot of their people, but we don't see the holes they leave behind.

Right now, I as a reader have an attachment to each of the main characters, but I don't really care about any of the tribes as groups, and I think that's because we haven't gotten to see how they live and work and play. And I think you want me to have an attachment since the plot centers around liberating one tribe and finding a new homeland for the other. Now that the real plot has launched off, you won't have a lot of time to build this groundwork without slowing the plot down. Making readers care is essential to the first third.

And that's all I've got for now! Thanks for posting this, and I'm glad I was able to read this and review it all. Make sure to tag me when you post more. :D




felistia says...


Thank you so much for another review. The next part will be out soon.

I've decided I'm going to go back and edit this story once I've finished this first draft. I feel like the editing is distracting me from finishing this story.

I'll apply all the advice you've given me so far in the coming chapters. I can't wait to work on some tribe culture as there's a few more tribes the group is going to visit.

I'll work on the bit with Zoltar asking Felistia about going back to the Ice Kingdom. I can see how that didn't come off the way I wanted it to.

Thanks again for being such a loyal reviewer. It's so hard to find people who'll actually read the entire novel. Have a wonderful day and I'll be sure to tag you when the next part is out. :D



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Fri Feb 03, 2017 2:25 pm
Charm wrote a review...



Hey Felistia! I haven't read any chapters of this before but I still want to help you with a review. I'll try to do my best and if something I say is wrong please forgive me since I haven't read all of Quest for Fire. If you have any questions please feel free to PM me or comment them. I hope my review helps!

Grammar:

“I don’t know what came over you either,” Zoltar arched his eye brows and grinned.

*eyebrows
Besides, it was kind of hard to talk to a dragon that kept twitching and scratching from no apparent reason.

*for
“Oh I’m fine. Just waiting for you to finish talking so that I can start swimming,” Shiraku replied as she gave her head another good itch.

*Oh,
few seconds later she leapt out of the crystal clear water, her scales gleaming like polished turquoise as the diamond drops of water slid down her wings.

*leaped
Oh, I have missed it,” she smiled again and tilted her wings to catch the sunlight, so that her whole body looked like the bluest abalone shell.

*sunlight so (no comma)
Still he had to bite the bone sometime.

*Still,
Felistia didn't answer him and instead gazed off into the distance as though she were staring across the frozen tundra’s of the Ice Kingdom.

*tundras
Why had she gotten so angery?

*angry
The shore line of the Moon Talon Kingdom was fast approaching. Dark forest outlined the coast line.

*shoreline and *coastline
He'd have to keep a close eye on her and hope that it was just a faze.

*phase
Emerald gazed out onto the ocean, the sun's dyeing light reflecting off her golden eyes, “It’s so beautiful.”.

*dying and only one period (the one inside the quotations) at the end.
“Yes it is the best place to see the sun go down,” Shiraku sighed, sitting down and staring over the miles of sea before her.

*Yes,
The sun, like a fiery yellow orb splashed into the ocean sending a spray of glowing orange coals scattering across the sky.

*orb,
The golden sun danced on his obsidian scales, driving away the damp, cold vapour from the maze and replacing it with excited anticipation.

*vapor (but maybe that's just the American spelling xD)
Her scales were slowly fading from grey to vibrant emerald green.

*gray

Actual Story, Plot, and Characters:
I really like the first paragraph. It's a great start to a chapter and gives the reader imagery of not only what Zoltar looks like but what the scene looks like. I found this story very interesting and amusing. The dragons seem to act very human which I've never read a story like this before. I mean Saphira in Eragon was a bit like this but you could still tell the difference between dragon and human. It's odd but it's interesting and I won't lie and say I wasn't entertained when reading this. The characters are interesting as well. I could really tell the difference between them but from the little that I got from them they seemed a bit cliche as a group. You have the tough one and the nervous one and the kindhearted one. Every group seems to have the token nervous character, the token tough character, etc. Zoltar confused me a bit as he one minute he seemed tough and then next he seemed like almost like a child. The dialogue could be better to portray this as well. It doesn't feel that realistic. Maybe try reading it out loud and try making it seem like actual people and not characters. I definitely think your strongest point is your imagery and descriptions so maybe try to work harder on improving your dialogue. Also your grammar could be better but those are careless mistakes and can be easily fixed.

marmalade





I think I have thankfully avoided being quoted.
— Lavvie