Zoltar woke to the sharp pain of talons grasping his wings and neck as harsh winds stung his face. His head was pounding and he found that heavy chains were bound to his paws, the weight of the metal making Felistia’s spike wound ache. He tried to swing his tail up to stab at his attacker, but to his surprise, he couldn’t. A strong metal casing was locked onto his poisonous barb, rendering him helpless. He only had one weapon left; fire. He tried to take a gulp of air only to find that his mouth was clamped together. His captor seemed to take little notice and simply shifted its steal grip, digging its razor sharp talons further into Zoltar’s scales.
Zoltar cringed as a fresh spike of pain shot through his shoulders. ‘Who are these dragons and what do they want with me?’ Zoltar thought worriedly as he went limp as possible, so not to make his abductor tighten his grip anymore. The ground was dizzyingly far down and all he could see below were pitch black spikes and daggers of ice jutting out of the uneven land.
Slightly turning his head to the left, Zoltar peered behind him to find a squadron of about ten ice talons, all much larger than him, flying in perfect formation. Had his dream been a vision and Felistia was one of these dragons? Had she betrayed him and if so, than where was she?
Zoltar carefully examined each of the ice talons. His sharp vision looking for Felistia’s streamlined shape and glowing yellow eyes.
‘Please let her not be one of them. Please tell me that she didn’t do this,’ Zoltar pleaded silently.
To his relief none of the ice talons looked quite like her. All of them were far larger and seemed to have war wounds streaked across their snouts and wings.Just then another dragon swooped in from the swirling snows around them. She was a massive ice talon with talons that glinted like knifes even though there was not a blade of sun cutting through the cruel blizzard. But it was not her claws that Zoltar noticed first. It was the limp shape hanging from her talons. A huge lump formed in Zoltar’s throat as he realized who the unconscious dragon was; Felistia.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Hi Felistia I am here to give you a great review on your awesome chapter. I hope what I say is of some use to you and will help you with your writing. Okay let’s start with the review.
Right let’s start with what I liked about the chapter!
I liked the first paragraph and the very last one in the chapter. It was impressive. The very last paragraph got me very worried. How will Zoltar get out of this mess and how will he help Felistia?
(The characters.)
In this chapter I think Zoltar was a little scared that Felistia had kidnapped him until he saw that she had been knocked out too.
(The description.)
The description was awesome, I loved it but in the first paragraph I think you could add to this part: His head was pounding and he found that heavy chains were bound to his paws, the weight of the metal making Felistia’s spike wound ache. I think you could say what colour the chains were. You could say how thick they were but that is just a suggestion over all it was remarkable.
(Grammar.)
Was spot on well done, and your spelling was good too!
I am looking forward to reading your next chapter. I hope you will keep on writing spot on chapters. I hope you have a great day or night.
Hello again!
Another chapter I get to bring out of the green room!
Once again, I'm probably going to end up saying you can combine with another one just because it's so short. Maybe even the last chapter (so you'd end up with three all together). You want to keep the momentum and the suspense going here and I know that you're trying to keep the chapters short with little cliff hangers at the end to do that, but I think that could also stop the action flow too. People sometimes stop reading at the ends of chapters to take a break and you don't want people stopping in the middle of this larger scene. If you put it all together in one chapter, people won't be stopping in the middle. You know?
And once again we see Zoltar waking up. This is about the hundredth time this has happened in this novel.
I think you can get deeper into these thoughts and what he's worried about. What is he afraid is going to happen? What does he think or worry is going on?
"Dizzingly" - I've mentioned this before I think, but you use a lot of adverbs and sometimes you turn words into adverbs and it makes them no longer a word. Like here. Writing is typically stronger if you can avoid using adverbs.
You don't need the preposition here. "Zoltar peered" implies that he had to turn his head a bit and it doesn't really matter which way he turns his head. Then you can get rid of an adverb and a comma (since there are a lot of commas in this sentence).
This thought falls a little flat to me and I think it'll be stronger if you don't get too stuck in what he's speculating and rather what he actually observes and actually does in this moment. So go from the previous thought about what he sees when he peers around, right into:
I guess we'll see what I think after reading the next chapter, but you could probably combine this chapter, the one before, and the one before it too.
One thing I'm wondering now after reading through this twice, is how did the dragons get these restraints on him? They don't have thumbs and they're flying.... I'm also wondering, if you combine the chapters, if there's a way to prevent him from passing out and waking up again because that's starting to get repetitive to me.
I'll see you soon! Let me know if you have any questions/if anything was confusing!
331 wordsCliffhanger! How dare you. Luckily, you've got three chapters posted now.
Spoiler
I have barely anything to say this time, so my review is going to be miraculously short. I hope that it is somewhat useful, but if it isn't ignore me!
Problem: I don't really think that you describe what the room is like/looks like enough. It doesn't quite seem extremely dark because Zoltar can see some Ice Talons, but it would seem dark in my head. However, I have no idea what the area looks like, so that gives me troubles in trying to imagine it.
Solution: I'm not saying that you need to describe everything, right down to the smallest dust particle, but rather at least some things like the smell (metal, maybe?), the temperature (I would imagine that it is cold), and the scene (we get that he sees some more Ice Talons, but what else is there?). I know that you can describe really well, so use it to your avantage. Use that felistia-description that I've come to know. And don't be afraid to get creative, either.
Problem: He's completely bound in chains and useless, right? He has no chance of moving or breaking free, so I find it a bit extreme that a dragon would be standing on him, holding him down. But maybe it's just me.
Solution: Remove that part? But if you have your heart set on some sort of guard, then maybe they could be pacing around Zoltar or something. But, like I said, it could be just me.
This is a suspense chapter, the spot where a bunch of suspense takes place. (Holographic Ladybug, you're stating the obvious again!) You've done it quite well, making the reader want to speed through the whole chapter in finding out if Felistia betrayed him and what these dragons want with him. You used a lot of thought here, which really turned towards your avantage. Well done.
So, that's it from me with this tiiiiinnnnnnyyyyyyy review! If you have any further questions, let me know right away!
Never sop writing!
~Holographic Ladybug
Thank you for another review.
I will fix the mistakes and also expand a bit on the description.