Published April 20, 2016
'Wow, this place is sure locked up tight,' Zoltar thought nervously as he watched a group of six heavily armed soldiers stride past, their scowling faces baring down on his heart as he realized how hard it was going to be to escape. He inhaled a shaking breath, shivering as he watched the misty vapour stream from his snout like smoke from a volcano. He was going to have to use every strategy he'd ever learned to get out of here alive. He couldn't try to escape right now; there were to many guards for that right now. He'd have to wait and hope that a chance would come to break free of the guards.
He glanced of his shoulder at Felistia. She was shaking and her breathing was starting to sound more laboured, coming out in long rasping wheezes. It was going to be hard to get Felistia out with her shimmering silver scales. He could blend into the night time shadows and move quietly past the guards. Felistia however would stand out like fire on a dark night. It would just be easier to leave her behind, but Zoltar didn't think of that as an option. Felistia was one of his best friends and there was no way he'd leave her behind. He'd have to think of a way to get her out with out being spotted.
Felistia caught Zoltar's eyes with her own wild ones, the pupils shrunk down to cat like slits. "Zoltar." her eyes darted nervously towards the two guards padding in front of them. "We have to get out of here. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. If the queen sees me again we'll be executed for sure."
Zoltar cocked his head questioningly. He was about to ask what she meant exactly when one of the guards behind them hissed. "Say one more word and I'll tighten those gags."
Zoltar shot Felistia a we'll-talk-about-this-later look. He didn't want the ability to speak to be taken away entirely, so he kept silent even thought the burning questions inside him felt like they were eating him through his head. What had Felistia meant when she'd said this wasn't how it was supposed to happen? Had she been planning something and how had the queen seen her before. Did she know the queen and if so, how? Did this have to do with how she'd been acting the last few days? What secret was she hiding and when would she gain the courage or trust to tell him?
The only sound in the long hallways was the eerie clacking of their talons on the hard floors. Towering pillars etched with complex shard like patterns framed the walkways. Pale blue carvings of ice talons in regal possessions perched on top of the crystal pillars, their cold eyes seeming to follow Zoltar as he walked.
The strong iron smell of blood from Felistia's wound wafted through the harsh winter air and Zoltar's worries deepened. Felistia was in urgent need of medical care. Her gash still hadn't clotted and he was afraid she was loosing too much blood. Zoltar looked at the guards, hoping that they might help, but his hopes were snuffed out instantly. From the hard scowls on the guards faces and the brisk way they were walking, the likelihood of them helping Felistia was about the same as them letting them go. Zoltar knew that if he could just get some herbs from his bag, she'd be alright, but he was afraid that if he showed his bag that he was hiding under his wing, the guards would take it away. Then Felistia would be doom, but Zoltar was still worried that it would be to late by the time he could give them to her. She could die of blood loss, but something told him it was the least of their worries as they stopped infront of some huge silver doors. The two guards posted outside the doors pushed them open revealing a huge snake like ice talon.
Zoltar sucked in a deep breath; the ice talon queen. A glittering silver crown perched on top of her jagged horns, but it was the look in her eyes that made his blood run cold, it was the evil look of a snake about to strike a mouse. They were in big trouble.
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139,324 Literary Works • 672,532 Reviews
Hello again!
I refreshed my memory with what has been going on and now I'm here to get all caught up! (Happy review day by the way! Go Team Granger!)
You're doing a nice job keeping the emotional intensity up. Even though it has been a while since I've read this, I'm instantly taken back and I feel in the moment again which is awesome. You're doing a really nice job showing Zoltar's emotions and I can feel his worry and his distress. The short chapters are growing on me. It's kind of like how James Patterson writes and I can read one of his books in a day because they're so fast paced
Not sure how many specific thoughts I'm going to have because I thought this was a pretty solid chapter...
Four soldiers doesn't seem like a ton if you're thinking about tight security. There are the people guarding him and Felistia, but is that it? "locked up tight" makes me think there is a huge security force in place.
These sentences can be combined because the second is a fragment (it needs a subject).
What is his plan? Is he trying to come up with something or is he just going to go for it and hope for the best when he thinks he sees a window of opportunity?
Again, is he trying to come up with a plan, or is he in too much shock right now? She's also injured (which he mentions later). How is that going to factor into his plan? Wouldn't she leave a trail of blood where ever they go? Does he have any thought about leaving her behind? If not, why? (To show his character - I know he won't leave her behind because he's too good, even if everything is stacked against them).
Oooooh I can't wait to find out what this is about!
Great! Wow, I really can see the improvements you've made! This is a great look inside Zoltar's head at his thoughts and feelings and the way he's processing this information. Love it!
I don't think you need to break up this scene with the dots. I think his processing followed by this description would be just fine. It kind of naturally progresses.
"urgent need" and "too much blood"
Surely the dragons that are holding them have noticed her huge wound. Do they not care to give her medical attention? Has Zoltar thought about asking them for help? He seems so frantic at this point and like he would try next to anything to help his friend and get them safely out of here.
I would start a new paragraph here and slow this waaaay down to make it more dramatic. When the doors are pushed open describe the scene in front of them. Is it a room? What does it look like? Where is the ice queen positioned? You're super good at describing, and this would be an excellent place to do it.
I'll be back for more soon! Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
Thanks for the great reviews. I'll go and fix the chapter right away. I'm really glad that you think I've improved.
Hey there felistia. It's just Lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
I guess it's good that review day has gotten down to the mid April pieces. Also, sorry it took a month for anyone to come along and review this. This is chapter 10 so of course you have more but with time restraints, I'll just have to guess the rest.
The chapter is certainly gripping even though I don't know the full story. This character, Zoltar, I'm guessing is either a theif or a hero. Maybe he's both of it's that kind of story. I think I might have read the previous book to this at one point when I first joined. Just a quick question: are these two co-main characters?
The way you grouped his thoughts at the beginning was off to me. Sometimes you see single quotes for thoughts, sometimes you see italics. I've never seen both together. I guess it was just stylistic but it is confusing to read. That might not make much sense so let me reword. It's nice to separate the thoughts from the rest of the dialogue and descriptions. One method of separation is good but two makes it look funny. I'm not really the best at that sort of judging so that's just one opinion.
And then I went further into Zoltar's thoughts. I figured he and Felistia were the essential pieces of some major puzzle and they knew each other well. He had lots of doubts about her which makes me doubt all previous ideas. I know all of my questions will be answered by the previous and future chapters. I'll get to those eventually but I'm just trying to do the GR ones for today.
The entrance to the throne room is pretty cool and suspenseful. I like the ending because I'm actual hanging on the cliff rather than already fallen into the ravine or standing at the side. That may have been a bad comparison but it was the best I could think of in the situation.
So far, it's a great and interesting story to me. I'll probably make it to all chapters eventually but that'll be far in the future. I really did like the story and big idea.
Happy Review Day!
Lizzy
The Goddess of Math
Hey felistia! Sorry about the lateness. I've been off YWS for a while and I'm only back temporarily for Review Day. Anyway, happy to be back to read your wonderful works.
i. The B shouldn't be capitalised.
ii. Considering how close 'breathed' and 'breath' sound, it doesn't quite make the sentence flow right. In fact, it actually gives off a bit of unneeded repetitiveness. But we can't really just take out one of the words, otherwise the sentence would have no meaning. What I suggest to you is making the sentence go something along the lines of His slow, shaky breaths caused misty vapour to cloak his snout. If you're going to go along similar to this route, I would suggest that the new sentence take the place of the next sentence (Shivering as he watched the misty vapour stream from his snout like smoke from a volcano.) because the information from the new sentence also bleeds into the next one. This would also cause some unneeded repetition.
Pardon if I get something wrong here, but I'm having a hard time with this bit. Seeing as how the palace is probably made from ice, and thus would most likely be white (or clear), wouldn't Felistia do a better job at blending in than Zoltar? Wouldn't Zoltar stick out instead? I see how he would be able to blend into the shadows, but he most likely can't stick to the shadows forever.
(Love the fire in a dark night part, though.
Up to this point, I don't really feel like Zoltar is worried enough. He's more concerned about Felistia than him, which is fine given how it perfectly falls into his character, but I still feel like he should maybe be a bit more worried about saving his own scales too. You could have him think about saving himself, or better yet, both of them a bit more. Maybe even have a bit of body language thrown in there as well which can show off his fear.
It seems a bit strange how they would just have a door marked The Throne Room. It makes the guards and those who live at the palace seem forgetful. Wouldn't everyone know where that is? As a solution, maybe Felistia could fearfully mutter "The throne room" under her breath.
Overall, very good job (the descriptions of the carvings is quite a cool part of the chapter) yet again. Naturally, there are some things that need some patching up, but it's the same with every work--even published ones.
Never stop writing, Felistia!
~Holographic Ladybug
Fahrvergnügen
This is good. I probably need to go back and read all of the chapters now, since I have no idea what's going on. XD I must say though, this one sentence bothers me.:
"Shivering as he watched the misty vapour stream from his snout like smoke from a volcano."
Maybe he shivered as he watched? It's just a small problem though. :3