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Young Writers Society


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Thunder and Ice Chapter 1 ~ The Lightning Talon

by felistia


"Malanka!"

“Malanka was jerked from her dream. Sunlight flooded her eyes and she scrunched them up in pain. After a second or two, her eyes adjusted. From her mountain ledge she could see before her miles and miles of rich grassland dotted with mud houses. Young Wind Talon dragonets laughed and played in the streets below, their sapphire scales sparkling in the morning sun. Soldiers marched towards the palace on their daily commute to work as their silver armor clanged with every step. Other Wind Talons were just emerging from their houses, stretching their tainted blue and gold wings.

Yawning, Malanka rubbed her eyes. What had woken her? She stretched out lazily on the rock face, enjoying the warm sunlight on her cobalt belly scales. Maybe it’d been a bird or something.

“Malanka!” an impatient roar echoed from below. Malanka almost jumped off the cliff, ‘Nope. Definitely wasn’t a bird.’

“Coming,” she yelled back as she got to her feet. She knew who was calling her. It was her mother; Neckeata. Every single day at the crack of dawn, there would be mother, yipping and yapping about how she should be at battle training. It wasn’t like she didn’t go to her lessons. She just went a bit later than Neckeata would have liked.

Sighing, Malanka leapt of the rock face and gently floated down a few meters to the palace stairs. Great white marble pillars marked the way into the palace. Vines of blue mountain ivy twisted their way around the columns, their silvery flowers barely open in the morning sun. There, standing out in growing sunlight with smoke coiling around her horns, was Neckeata. A glittering silver crown was perched on her head and look of the outmost irritation was painted all over her snout, “Malanka! How many times do I have to tell you not to be late for your training?”

“I don’t know,” Malanka mumbled, sitting back on her haunches and chewing on one of her talons.

“I don’t know is not good enough. Your father doesn’t have time to waste, Malanka. He’s got other things he has to do and you know I can’t teach you,” Neckeata sighed and wrapped a wing over her daughter's back. “I realize that you just want to sit out in the sun and play like the other dragonets, but you have responsibilities as princess.”

“But mother,” Malanka whined, “It’s so boring and there aren’t any other dragonets to play with. Can’t I just have one day to be like a normal dragon, then I’d train twice as hard?”

Neckeata heaved another heavy sigh, “I know it’s not easy being the only dragonet to come from a blue egg in the last fifty years, but being a Lightning Talon is a great gift. Unfortunately it also comes with many responsibilities and one of those is starting your battle training on time even if it does mean that it’s a bit lonely. The whole kingdom is depending on you. Without you and the other Lightning Talons, who would help to fight the Ice Talons? Besides, haven’t you always wanted to lead the army? You wouldn’t be able to do that if you were just a normal Wind Talon.” Neckeata nudged Malanka with the tip of her snout and gave her a quick lick.

Malanka smiled. Her mother could feel like a pain at times, but deep down she knew that her mother only wanted what was best for her.

“Okay mother" she said, wrapping her wings around her mother. Her mother’s warmth filled her body and she sighed with content. Sometimes it was hard to believe that she was 16 years old already. Some days, all she want was to be a small dragonet again, playing with her mother’s tail in the throne room or practicing flying with her father out on the cliffs. He’d always be there to hold her when she fell or praising her on how well she’d done. Malanka smiled at the memory.

“I’ll see you later,” Malanka called to her mother as she rushed inside. Just as she galloped in through the giant palace doors, another Wind Talon came rushing out. He was tripping over his feet as his wings flapped this way and that. He rushed past her without a second look.

‘How strange,’ Malanka thought, peering back over shoulder at the frantic Wind Talon. Usually dragons acted respectfully around her, greeting her as they went past and bowing their heads in respect.

‘Maybe I’ll just see what he’s up to,’ she decided, creeping to the side of the door so that she could hear what the messenger and her mother were saying without them seeing her.

“Your…Majesty,” The Wind Talon panted, skidding to a stop in front of Neckeata.

“Mmmm?” Neckeata answered in a slightly annoyed voice. She looked like she'd been hoping for a few moments of peace.

“The Diamond. It’s gone.”

A\N Just an interesting thing for readers to know. Malanka means lightning in Belarusian. Makani means wind in Hawaiian.


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Mon Oct 03, 2016 6:07 pm
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Megrim wrote a review...



Onto chapter 1! A lot of readers skip prologues, so it's good to plan your chapter 1 to have a strong hook that can stand on its own. Right away I see a big section of italics, which gives me reservations. And ah! Turns out it's a dream :( As I feared.

Opening with dreams is a bad idea 99.99% of the time. The biggest reason for this is that the reader gets invested in the exciting/interesting events and action of the dream, then it's a huge disappointment to find out that's not ACTUALLY the scene/story right now. Beginning writers often use dreams for false drama or artificial tension, or to convey backstories and memories that they don't know how to convey otherwise. Except in very rare circumstances, there are pretty much always better ways to get across the same things without resorting to a dream. So the short version is: get it out of your system, then go ahead and remove it when you come back to edit.

Once we get to the actual scene, the imagery is gorgeous, and I'm interested to learn more. I love the description and I love the touches of dragon-ness (soaring, smoke coiling around horns, etc). I think it would be fine to open with her (awake) watching the dragonlets play and getting called back.

I do have a slight issue that Makani and Malanka are so visually similar, it's hard to keep them separate (especially because I read really fast). I'd recommend tweaking the names to be more dissimilar.

I guess it also doesn’t help that you’re the only blue egg in the last fifty years
The dialogue is a bit "as you know." Try to picture your own mother chastizing you, and think what word choices she would use.

At the end of the chapter we get our inciting incident. Excellent--things are set up to start happening! I wouldn't mind a touch more description of the setting/surroundings in that part, like more about the palace (shapes, sizes, materials--something I can put in the picture in my head).

Onto the next chapter to see how they're going to deal with this!




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Fri Aug 05, 2016 9:57 am
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Laurenh6 wrote a review...



Hey there Felistia! :D

Again, just going to record observations as I read along - I hope I can help :) !

1) Paragraph one you've mentioned "wing beats" - I personally feel that "beating wings" would sound a lot better. But that's just my opinion :) !

2) Loveeeee your description, imagery etc! Those sorta things are my favourite things to do in writing too , and I just love your ideas and how you put them across in description. It's amazing! For instance,

"Scarlet fire and crystal ice" , "churning clouds", "fire danced in her eyes" - amazing!

3) Furthermore, I love how you used the repetition of Malanka when in the dream, and waking up - that flowed really well. And I could picture the situation very clearly - so well done :) .

4) Oh yeah, in your second paragraph.. You put "now" instead of "out of nowhere" .. Also you need a comma before ",and storm clouds"

5)Another nitpick, the paragraph which starts with "Coming" in speech - in regards to her mother. I feel like you reveal too soon allll the information about her mother. Looking at the paragraph which follows, I feel like some of it should be swapped around.. So, what I mean is... Malanka gets called .. She's like *oh yeah I know who that is* BUT the reader doesn't and questions who is that? Then Malanka follows the calling, sees the dragon and then reveals its the mother .. With all the info ... Hope that makes sense xD .. Just I feel it would create a little more suspense and get the reader to ask questions!

6) Comma needed ... "don’t know is not good enough. Your father doesn’t have time to waste, Malanka. He’s got other things he has to do and you know I can’t teach you" .. You need a comma before ", and you know I can't teach you"

7)Why do you keep swapping from mother to Makani? When in the eyes of the daughter, I personally think it should stick consistently with mother because of their personal relationship.

8) I like the ending you've given it! Gave it the link it really needed to the prologue :D ! I like it a lot! I also like your thought with the names and their meanings, and linking that to the story


Overall thought this was really cool! The plot is swiftly developing and it all flows really nicely- a great read ! :) well done :D




felistia says...


Thanks for the review and sorry for the late reply. I'll get to fixing the chapter as soon as I can. :D



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Sun Jul 31, 2016 6:31 pm
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hi, felistia! Mage here to do the promised review! So let's get to it, shall we?

Once again, I love the description and your writing style. It entices the reader and draws them in, making any thoughts about doing something else disappear. Like with the prologue, there are no general problems. Ever problem is specific to a certain phrase or part of this chapter.

“Long live Malanka!Long live the great Lightning Talon!” they chanted, while performing loop the loops and falcon dives. “Malanka! Malanka!”


There should be a space after the first "Malanka". By the way, I really love the names you chose for the queen and her daughter. They have interesting origins, and I'm curious about things like that.

Your father doesn’t have time to waste Malanka.


There should be a comma after "waste".

Makani sighed and wrapped a wing over her daughters back,


"Daughters" should be possessive singular, not plural. Also, the comma should be a period.

Her mother could feel like a pain at times, but deep down she knew that Makani only wanted what was best for her, “Thanks mother" she said, wrapping her wings around Makani.


The comma after "her" should be a period.

Now here's specific parts I love about this chapter. :D

Talons clashed against talons. Frost breath met orange flame. The sound of wing beats filled the sky and the air was heavy with the metallic smell of blood. Ice Talons and Wind Talons twisted through the air, lashing at each other with teeth and claws. The landscape below was a desolated plain of scarlet fire and crystal ice.


This created such a powerful and beautiful scene in my head. Your word choice is excellent in this paragraph.

“Malanka!”


I started smiling here once I realized the scene described paragraphs before was just a dream. I love when protagonists have dreams like that.

She stretched out lazily on the rock face, enjoying the warm sunlight on her cobalt belly scales.


I love how you slip that description in, rather than simply saying what color Malanka's scales are.

“I don’t know,” Malanka mumbled, chewing on one of her talons.


As someone who used to chew on their nails when they were younger, I find this very relatable. I love how you took something so human and made it work for a dragon.

Keep up the spectacular work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! :D




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Sun Jul 31, 2016 8:45 am
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intrastellars wrote a review...



Really great first chapter! The description in the beginning is very well-done, and although this is a short chapter I already have a feel for most of your characters. Malanka seems to be quite ambitious, especially since she sees herself leading armies in the future. The only thing that I'd suggest is maybe making the names of your characters, Malanka and Makani, less similar. Not going to lie, I definitely mixed up their names I couple of times. The conflict has begun, and I wonder how Malanka will react. Overall, solid chapter. Keep up the good work :)




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Fri Jul 29, 2016 7:31 pm
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AnarchyWolf wrote a review...



Good Evening, Felistia. AnarchyWolf here to review this first chapter.

The imagery in this piece, as CupcakesForRealMen said below, is really quite impressive. You get the right balance of description and action to give excitement and vivid images. Phrases like heavy with the metallic smell of blood and desolated plain of scarlet fire and crystal ice add so much imagery that it's easy to imagine the battle's surroundings and participants. You can even imagine the scent of the battle.

The battle's dream-scene is a very good, action-packed hook. It works well to keep the reader interested - 'hooked' - and ensures that they keep reading. It was a little disappointing to find out that it was, in fact, only a dream - but the rest of the chapter worked and was just as interesting ad the beginning.

It showed off quite a bit about Malanka's life without being a huge infodump, so the readers know everything they need to without sifting through huge paragraphs of the royal family's history. The slightly cliffhanger-y, sudden ending was well-done, too and adds an incentive to keep reading, as well as giving a hint to the coming conflicts.

Now for some quick, small grammar nitpicks:

Spoiler! :

“Long live Malanka!Long live

Long live Malanka! Long live...

Yelping in terror the Ice Talons fled

Yelping in terror, the Ice Talons fled

loop the loops

Loop-the-loops

best for her, “Thanks mother" she said

Best for her, "thanks, mother," she said
I feel that here, a new paragraph is needed because of the dialogue starting part the way through the paragraph. Technically it's not grammatically wrong, just a bit awkward to read.

“Your…majesty,”

“Your... Majesty,"


You begin a paragraph in the fight scene with Suddenly a bolt of golden lightning. The word 'suddenly' should be taken out and replaced with a phrase similar to 'out of the blue', or just by changing the sentence lengths to make it read quicker. Suddenly is a word that's usually unneeded - you get more clarity and sharpness without it -, whatever context it's used in, and it has a bad habit of breaking up the effect you're trying to create by using it.

A tiny objection here: you use storm too much in the dream-scene. Switch up your vocab with synonyms for storm, or metaphors or similes. Using it so much becomes repetitive and it stands out a lot, and, with the imagery you use in the rest of your writing, the reader knows that you can do better.

Another small thing that stood out to me was that the dragons were doing loop-the-loops after a big and obviously taxing battle. I'd expect any intelligent, non-psychopathic creature to be wary, tired, and traumatized after a battle. Maybe dejected, probably regretting the bloodshed. Of course they'd be full of relief, and they'd probably chant, too, but I struggle to know where they got the energy from. If dragons have some other kind of energy-power, it'd be worth stating to stop the reader from getting confused.

The final tiny thing is the human names. They'd probably be okay if you hadn't told us what they meant, because I doubt how many people would know those words, and even just having them as a subtle little link would be alright, too, but I kind of doubt how these dragons got hold of those human words. Again, a tiny thing and don't feel compelled to change it, but it just stood out to me as a little odd.

Lastly, we need a lot more descriptions of the dragons. I feel like you've put a lot of effort and thought into their world, and so I'd love to know the differences between the dragon species, any unique adaptations, like different-shaped wings for different flight patterns, or different wing-fins for different acrobatic maneuvers, or different claws or teeth or hide. The way you describe the dragonets is really good, but I feel that we just need more of it.

This is a really good first chapter, with just a few minor things that could do with fixing, and it provides a strong and well-written base for your story.

-AnarchyWolf




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Wed Jul 27, 2016 7:39 pm
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JuliasSneezer wrote a review...



Good day, Cups here to serve a delicious interview!

First of all, that opening paragraph was amazing! I could see everything perfectly. You told the scene and actions smoothly, without writing it in a way that made it seem like it was just tossed in there, which is something that's hard to do!

Then, you told us about the storm. In just a couple sentences, I was shaken. I was like: "man, something bad is about to happen!"

You then have the dream end with someone shouting her name. A classic, but not overdone. It was evident that these were dragons, yet they had an advanced society. Houses, grassy plains, but you forgot to describe Malanka. If they look like the young dragonets, don't forget, it may seem obvious to YOU that they look like that, but remember that you're describing using only words. Sometimes, we won't understand unless you flat-out say it. Just don't forget to keep that in mind! ;)

You establish the relationship between Makani and Malanka in a casual way, yet they understand it easily, and get the basic gist immediately. It doesn't make us work to hard, and it's not too difficult to understand. That's what makes those couple paragraphs so attractive.

The only notes I have afterword, is this sentence:
"Usually dragons acted respectfully around her, greeting her as they went past and stuff like that." I would try and avoid using the word "stuff", but whatever floats your goat. Go by your gut.

Also, whenever you say that Makani wanted a few moments of peace, I'm a slight bit confused. This story sounds like it's going to be in Malanka's point of view, but Malanka had no way of knowing that Makani wanted some peace. I think that just leaving the part where she used an irritated tone would get the point across.

Now, I know how much you were looking forward to grammar, so here we go!

"After a second or two her eye’s adjusted."

Really, the only thing I can do here is recommend a comma between "two", and "her". Also, it's just "eyes" and not "eye's". The apostrophe before an "s" is used to make something possessive.

To sum it up, PLEASE update me whenever you release the next chapter! :D

Just keep swimming,
-Cups




felistia says...


Thank you so much for the review. I'll go back and fix the problems. :D

P.s Did you read the prologue. I think you'd like it. :D



felistia says...


PP.S could you please hit the like button. :D





I'll make sure to when I have the time! :D




Poetry comes alive to me through recitation.
— Natalie Merchant