The Quest for Fire Book One ~ Into the Mists Chapter 7

by felistia

Published October 30, 2015

E - Everyone

In Old Chapters\ Rejects

The mountains shone a flaming crimson as the sun rose over the towering peaks. It bathed the moon talon village in bright ruby and golden copper rays, driving the mist curling around the houses back to the shadows. The bright green fields surrounding the village blushed golden emerald as the sun’s light swept over the swaying grasses. A roaring river cascaded down from the tree covered mountains behind the village. It twisted and turned like a writhing serpent on its course down through the fields and out to the far off sea. Willows bowed over the gushing water, their long vines whipped up by the raging current.

Zoltar gliding over the village’s mud houses, his scales shining like black crystal. The wind brushed his wing tips and whistled in his ears. He took a deep breath of the sweet, early morning air. Pleasure tingled across his obsidian scales like electric sparks as he scanned the ground below with his eagle eyes.

The tall mud houses were tinted crimson with the sun’s yellow beams. Lush green bushes sprouted from the roofs of the houses making the tops of the buildings look like they had hair. Blossoming peach trees stood in clumps next to the houses, their bright, pink flowers carpeting the winding roads and gardens.

'All this will be gone if I fail this mission and the shadow talons will go to war with the moon talons,' Zoltar thought, worry gnawing at his stomach. Images of fire and burning villages flashed before his eyes as the ghostly screams of dragons echoed in his ears. 'No. Never again will the shadow talons go to war. I must succeed in this quest. There is no other option.'    

Zoltar could see the sparkling, blue ocean in the distance, its frothing waves catching the sun’s golden light as they curled. The thick forest in front of him shone emerald, its leaves dancing in the wind. Birds warbled and chirped from the waving branches and small, silver, winged lizards glided from tree to tree. The waves lapped at the golden beach’s sand bordering the forest as Zoltar flew past. Small fish darted in the shallows, their bright, violet shapes shooting through the water like torpedoes.

Zoltar breathed in the salty air happily as he soared out over the sea. His shadow danced on the water below him as he sped along. The sun’s yellow beams warmed his back and white sea spray cooled his belly. Dolphins leapt out of the sea, the crystal clear water streaming down their silver bodies. Zoltar eyed them hungrily. One dolphin would make a nice meal for a dragon, but they looked so happy leaping in and out of his shadow that he decided to leave them be. 

Far off in the distance he could see mist swirling around tall pillars of seaweed covered rock, their peaks far above the clouds and a dragon's maximum flying height.

“The Misty Maze,” Zoltar murmered anxiously. About three years after the Maze had flooded, a strange mist had swept over the columns. No one had known why. Two maps were sketched leading the way through the maze. The shadow talons had stolen one of the two maps leading through the maze soon after the volcano in the shadow lands had erupted. He had studied it to the mark.

He didn’t know whether to be nervous or excited. On the one hand he felt scared for he knew what was waiting for him in those columns of stone and on the other hand he felt so excited. Beyond the maze was an island of danger; an unknown land full of new and mysterious creatures.  

Zoltar’s heart pounded in his chest as he approached the Misty Maze. A strange wind was blowing, battering his wings, trying to hurl him into the ocean.

It was strangely quiet in the maze, apart from the crashing of the waves against the pillars. No fish sprang from the sea and no birds called from the rocks. Zoltar shivered. He had the feeling he was being watched and the way the mist snaked in and around the columns made it impossible to see more than a dragon’s length ahead. The mist seemed to curl over and into his scales, making them clammy and cold. He barely stopped himself from flinching as a large knobbly pillar came into view. The clumps of seaweed and mussels clinging to the rocks seemed to melt into the mist. Their shapes twisted and warped in the fog. As he flew through the towering rocks an eerie, wailing howl suddenly filled the air, seeming to bounce off the pillars and splashing water.

Zoltar stopped and hovered, trying to pinpoint where the sound was coming from, but the call seemed to be bouncing from pillar to water and back again, making it impossible to hear where it was coming from.

Suddenly there was a splash from below Zoltar. He swiftly looked down, but all he could see were the ripples. He flew a little lower, peering into the murky, black water. He flinched as the large, dark shadow of a slender sea creature passed underneath him. Its tail made small eddies in the water as it passed by. Suddenly it lunged out of the water towards him, its sharp, white teeth shining wickedly. He swerved violently, his wings tips brushing the water as he tried to gain height. The creature landed back into the water, showering him in sea spray.

Zoltar sped through the maze, narrowly avoiding pillars and clusters of oysters. He could hear the creature bounding through the water towards him, its tail sweeping through the water, creating massive waves that smacked against the pillars. He picked up the pace, dipping and diving, veering and swerving through the mist. He had to reach the end of the maze before that thing caught him. 

At last the rock beach appeared in front of him. He catapulted onto the sand, gasping for breath. Zoltar looked back at the murky water and heaved a heave sigh of relief. The unknown creature had gone.

Suddenly there was a splash as a big creamy reptile sprang onto the beach. The creature stood there, its snake like eyes staring unblinking at him, sending a chill down Zoltar’s spikes. It looked similar to a large velociraptor with an elongated alligator’s snout and was about the size of a large male elk. As he scanned its long razor sharp spin along the length of its back, he realized it was a Shang Fu, another dragon killer, but not as deadly as the Exltron. The most notable feature on the creature was the scorpion like barb on the end of its tail. It looked just like the poisons stinger on the end of his tail, Zoltar realized. A cold sense of dread wrapped around his chest making it hard to breath.

Zoltar could see that it was a lot faster than him and would be on top of him before he could get into the air. His instinct was telling him to flee, but he knew that he would have a better chance standing his ground and fighting.

Zoltar gave a low threatening growl and glared at the Shang Fu. Surely he'd be able to defeat on little Shang Fu half his size. The Shang Fu scowled back as though it had just read his mind, its glittering yellow eyes alive with menace. Taking a step back from him it raised its ugly head and howled a long, bone chilling howl.

Almost instantly two more Shang Fu leapt out of the lapping waves. The first Shang Fu growled and snapped at the newcomers and they cowered under their leaders gaze. He hissed at them and jerked his head towards Zoltar as though showing them their prey.

'Uh oh,' Zoltar thought, watching the circling Shang Fu, their teeth sparkling in the dim sunlight. He was about to flee when Scorpus’s voice spoke inside his head, 'Come on they’re just a bunch of lizards. Fight them!'

Zoltar exhaled a cloud of black smoke. A small spark of confidence burned inside him like a fire, growing bigger with every breath. He lashed his poisonous barbed tail and with a roar of fury he charged towards the snarling Shang Fu, his head down.

The Shang Fu’s eyes widened with surprise as Zoltar teared towards them. They scurried to get out of the way of his sharp, violet horns, tripping over each other in the process. He thwacked one with his tail, sending the yelping lizard flying back into the ocean. He batted another out the way with his wing, hurling it across the sand.

Zoltar suddenly felt a sharp sting on his back. There was another shoot of pain through his spikes as he twisted his head round to look at what was on his back. The leading Shang Fu was hooked into his hide and was clawing his way up Zoltar's back, digging his razor sharp claws between his scales.

Fear clenched Zoltar’s heart as the Shang Fu raised its tail. With one lightning fast movement he brought it down towards Zoltar's spine. Zoltar shut his eyes, waiting for the blow.

Comments & reviews · 8
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Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review Review · Mar 9, 2016

Hello again!! :D

Holy cliff-hanger! To me, this chapter read like a video game. Like all of the beautiful descriptions, then there was thing thing for him to navigate (the maze), and then an enemy showed up and he had to go into battle mode! I could see it in my mind and I felt like I was playing a video game.

Some specific things:

The mountains shone a flaming crimson as the sun rose over the towering peaks.

You have lots and lots of lovely description in this chapter. I'm not going to point out every instance of that, but know there are a lot of them.
One thing to be mindful of that I've noticed in some of your chapters is that you tend to start chapters in a similar way - you set the scene with the pretty description and then Zoltar thinks some things, and then the action happens. This is a fine set up as long as it doesn't become a pattern or something that is happening in every chapter because you don't want to be predicable (because that can get boring). I don't think you're in that territory yet, just something to be mindful of.

Zoltar gliding over the village’s mud houses,

This might be a good place to slide in some world details. What village is this? Who lives there? Where is he? Why mud houses? What is the village like?

'There is nothing like this in the shadow lands; only cold caves filled with the stench of sulphur and smoke,' Zoltar reflected, enjoying the warm sun on his spiny back.

This reflection felt a little out of place to me compared to the rest of the pretty prose around it. I think you're trying to break up the description or include some of his thoughts in there, and I get that, but I'm not sure it's needed here. I think this could become a part of the description you have going - comparing it to where Zoltar lives.
If you really want to keep it as his thoughts, I would put it in italics to set it apart a bit more.

The waves lapped at the golden beach’s sand as Zoltar flew past. Small fish darted in the shallows, their bright, violet shapes shooting through the water like torpedoes.

Another thing to be aware of, you do such a nice job with the describing, but don't get lost in it. Give me a sense of where we are and how far he's traveling and what the world is like in a greater sense as he's traveling. Remember, your reader doesn't know this world at all. I wasn't aware there was a beach. Is this close to the mud houses? Where is all of this in relation to where he lives? I know you gave us a map in the beginning, but when I'm reading I don't want to have to constantly be flipping back and trying to find my way on the map.

He didn’t know whether to be nervous or excited. He knew what was waiting for him beyond those columns of stone.

Expand this a bit. Why is he nervous? Why is he excited? What is waiting for him and how does he know that?

Zoltar sped through the maze, narrowly avoiding pillars and clusters of oysters. He could hear the creature bounding through the water towards him, its tail sweeping through the water, creating massive waves that smacked against the pillars. He picked up the pace, dipping and diving, veering and swerving through the mist.

This is a maze, and he can fly. Is there a reason why he can't simply fly high enough that he's over the maze so he doesn't have to actually navigate it? And can he not get high enough that he'll be out of reach of this thing in the water?

At last the rock beach appeared in front of him.

I wasn't aware that this was the goal. I think earlier when you mention this maze, I would explain why he has to go through it and what's going to be waiting for him when he gets through so the reader knows what to expect.

It looked similar to a large velociraptor with an elongated alligator’s snout and was about the size of a large male elk.

*horror*

The first Shang Fu growled and snapped at the newcomers and they cowered under White Claws gaze.

Is White Claw the name of one of the Shang Fu? Which one is that? When did this creature get a name?

He was about to flee when Scorpus’s voice spoke inside his head, 'Come on they’re just a bunch of lizards. Fight them!'

Zoltar exhaled a cloud of black smoke. A small spark of confidence burned inside him like a fire, growing bigger with every breath.

I kind of love that the memory of his friend is still very apparent and is used in the story!


With that cliff-hanger I'll be moving on to the next chapter right away! Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D

Thanks for the review. I will definitely be going back and adding a few things. About the part where you said Zoltar could fly of the maze, I add a bit of information earlier on about the maze being to high for him to fly over. Thanks again. :D

DragonWriter22 wrote a review Review · Feb 2, 2016

Hello, I'm back for another review.

Right off the bat I'd like to say I love the first few paragraphs! The descriptions are so rich, strong and flowing. They're simply magical and you've effectively transported into this new world. You do it every time, but your descriptions still astound me.

but they looked so happy leaping in and out of his shadow that he decided to leave them by.


I thing by as intended to be "be"

pillars of seaweed covered rock.


I'm not sure about his, but maybe there should be a dash between seaweed and covered.

About three years after the Pillars of Limestone had flooded a strange mist had swept over the columns.


I think there should be a comma after flooded.

The shadow talons had stolen one of the two maps leading through the maze soon after the volcano in the shadow lands had erupted


I think this could be shortened to "The shadow talons had stolen one of the maps soon after the volcano in the shadow lands had erupted."

A cold sense of dread wrapped itself around his chest making it hard to breath.


The word "itself" can be deleted.

Wow, I must say this chapter was very well written. It was fast paced and full of suspense. It started with mystical descriptions that were well contrasted against the eerie nature of the misty maze. The fight was well written as well and I like the new creatures you've created.

Thank you so much for all the reviews you have given me today. I will be sure to go back and fix all the mistakes. :D

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Wolfi
Review
Wolfi wrote a review Review · Jan 29, 2016

Hola, felistia! Guess what? I stopped being a lazy rain wing. Most of my finals are over, so I'm ready to review!

Let me just tell you - I've really enjoyed reading these chapters. I wasn't sure if this book was going to be "my type," since I don't read much fantasy, but you've pleasantly surprised me. You started off the book excellently, I'd say, with the intense chase scene in the forest. Boom, boom, two characters dead (well, really only one for sure, but for now I'll assume two). One was a minor character but the other, Scorpus, was a very important mentor for the MC, Zoltar. I like that you didn't start the book out with an action scene just to have an action scene. It ends up having a lot of purpose to the plot, instead. It's Zoltar's account of the giant panther monster that spurs Hisster into contacting the howler dragons.

I'm a little confused about why Hisster brings Zoltar along to talk to the howler dragons in the first place. Hisster clearly doesn't think highly of Zoltar, and so I decided that Zoltar is a rare soldier dragon (like the "chosen one" or something) and Hisster was submitting to that fact or something. Now, though, after seeing all the other soldier dragons who he clearly likes better, why did he bother bringing only Zoltar along and none of the others? Is it something about Zoltar's geography knowledge? I would suppose that Hisster would choose to have another accomplice with him when he visits the howlers, at least, and that would be good to establish the scene a little sooner too. I initially assumed that Zoltar lived in a very secluded place, free from many dragons, since he hadn't interacted with any other characters besides Hisster. The last chapter surprised me, therefore, when there were all these soldier dragons out of nowhere.

I'm happy to see that our main character is off on his adventure so soon. You've established the setting and the important characters perfectly already, and so far there's been zero signs of info-dumping. Which is great. The plot's moving along very nicely.

Now that you've grabbed your reader's attention, however, I'll be hoping to learn a little bit more about Zoltar and his backstory. Who his parents were. Why he feels so left out where he lives. His history with Scorpus.

To begin with my review for this chapter in particular, I'm sure you've heard it from many reviewers already, but your descriptions are awesome. Just look at your first paragraph in this chapter. Beautiful! All these descriptions are a really nice change in pace after all the action scenes and character interactions.

The sun’s yellow beams warmed his back and white sea spray cooled his belly.

I love that. I love the part about the dolphins too. Great characterization!

Zoltar’s heart pounded in his chest as he approached the Misty Maze.

I've noticed that it's a part of your style to use Zoltar's name instead of a pronoun. This is just something to look out for. If you're writing a scene with just Zoltar in it, you hardly ever have to mention his name. "Him," "he," "his," etc, will do.

So all in all, I really enjoyed this chapter! It's filled with beautiful descriptions and some hintings at characterization since Zoltar is alone, and then you blessed your readers with another epic action scene! I love these lizard velociraptor monster things.

I'm going to leave the review here for now, and hopefully I'll get a big dent on some more chapters this review day! Go Team Blue!!!

Thank you so much for the review. It was really helpful. Did you get the part about Zoltar not being an acid fang and all the other shadow talons are? If not then I should probably go back and make it more prominent.
Oh and Go Team Blue!!! :D

Wolfi replied · Jan 29, 2016

Oh, interesting! No, I didn't pick up on that.

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writerkitty
Review
writerkitty wrote a review Review · Jan 26, 2016

Once again I'm going to say this, 'felistia your descriptions are amazing!!! :D'

You managed to describe the view with perfect details. And all the action in the latter part of the chapter was pretty cool. I pictured poor Zoltar being attacked by those nasty creatures.

Anyway I'm really eager to find out what's going to happen next. And I'm sensing that another new character might enter the scene.

I've got to admit, Zoltar's pretty brave, and he is a little bit of a pinhead too. ( yeah, I had to agree with Hisser for once :D )

Okay, I was hoping to do a really long review, but sadly I didn't have much to say because your writing is pretty good and your descriptions mesmerized me. :D

Anyway, keep writing!!!! :D :D

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Lightsong
Review
Lightsong wrote a review Review · Dec 18, 2015

Hey, I'm here to do a review again! Part the advantage of having a one-day off from work. :D

Suggestions;

Spoiler
Hey, I'm here to do a review again! Part the advantage of having a one-day off from work. :D

Suggestions;

[spoiler]
A shadow talon could be seen gliding over the village’s mud houses, his scales shining like black crystal.


We know this is Zoltar, so there's no need to refer him as "a shadow talon" like he's a stranger. It'd feel like distancing this shadow talon from the readers. Just like names should be established at the start of the novel - right in the chapter one - the name should stay in every chapter unless we're referring to someone new.

'There is nothing like this in the shadow lands, only cold caves filled with the stench of sulphur and smoke,' Zoltar reflected, enjoying the warm sun on his spiny back.


Right, so the dialogue has two fragments, but they can't be merged with a comma. Instead, use a semi-colon rather than that.

Zoltar could see the sparkling, blue ocean in the distance, its frothing waves caught the sun’s golden light as they curled.


"frothing waves catching".

The green forest in front of him shone emerald, its leaves dancing in the wind.


Stating "green" and "emerald" in the same place is redundant. Just remove "green".

The waves lapped at the golden beach’s sand, as Zoltar flew past.


Zoltar eyed them, hungrily.


No need for a comma here.

pin point


Remove the space between them.


Anyway, I've nothing much to say about this chapter. A large part of it is dedicated to describe the setting of moon talon country, and it seems like you're nailing it on that area, as usual. I'd just be careful about where to put commas, and dashes like in "scorpion like" which is supposed to be "scorpion-like". If you pay more attention to this simple grammar, the readability would be perfect.

I like the suspense you've builded at the end. I already saw Zoltar losing to come the moment you mentioned about the Shang Fu having a poisonous tail. Not only that, there are many Shang Fus, so Zoltar is overpowered. You handle the fighting scene well, and I even hope for Zoltar to win a bit. I know he would be saved by someone from the look of the ending. Maybe it's the new character I've been looking forward to. Also, you use so little pronouns when it comes to referring Zoltar. His names pop up many times, which should be changed to "he" or "him".

Other than that, I've nothing else to say. Yeah, this reviews is less helpful than the previous ones. :D Keep it up!

Thank you for the review. It was very helpful and I have fixed the mistakes. :D

HolographicLadybug commented Comment · Nov 7, 2015

You have a talent for description, my friend.

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twistedracer01
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twistedracer01 commented Comment · Oct 30, 2015

Dude nice book (i wish it was on paper)

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Snazzy
Review
Snazzy wrote a review Review · Oct 30, 2015

Hello! :)
Once again, another great chapter! You kept me on the edge of my seat all throughout the 'fighting scene', and I liked how you describe all the creatures that live in the moon talon village. Now - on with the review! :D

The mountains shone a flaming crimson as the sun, like a vast, glowing marigold, rose over the towering peaks.


This is one of the places where I think the description is a 'little' much. If it starts to take away from the story, then it is. I think you should take out either the 'glowing marigold' or 'the mountains shone a flaming crimson'. (personally, I like the flaming crimson part, but it's your choice ;) ) If I were you, I'd change it to this - "The mountains shone a flaming crimson as the sun rose over the towering peaks."

“I…think…I…lost…it,” Zoltar panted, between breaths.


If I were you, I wouldn't have him talking out loud. After all, he's the only one there. Maybe he could think it, or just sighed, relieved he had lost it - or so he thought... :)

Fear clenched Zoltar’s heart as the Shang Fu raised its tail. With one lightning fast movement White Claw brought it down towards Zoltar’s spine.


I like this - yet I don't. I ADORE how you end it with a cliff-hanger, but I think you should have it end with Zoltar thinking/doing something. Such as: "With one lightning fast movement White Claw brought it down towards Zoltar's spine. Zoltar squeezed his eyes shut, .....etc." :D

Other than that, this was great! Overall you had a great chapter, just a few minor mistakes. please tell me Hisster is going to save the pinhead I'm just kidding. No matter what you do in the next chapter, I'm sure it will be awesome. ;) Keep writing!

~Snazzy, Pencil, Penicillin, etc.
Stay awesome! ;)

thank you for following my story. It is a real help and I will apply the changes when I have time.



Everything has to be taken on trust; truth is only that which is taken to be true. It's the currency of living. There may be nothing behind it, but it doesn't make any difference so long as it is honoured. One acts on assumptions. What do you assume?
— Player (Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard)