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The Quest for Fire ~ Chapter 1 ~ The Earth Trembles

Zoltar soared over the Shadow Lands, the sunlight flooding his obsidian black scales and the wind tugging at his wings. Far below, wide open plains stretched as far as the eye could see. A clear blue river snaked through the emerald grasses, twisting and roaring on its way to the distant sea. Countless prey animals grazed on the lush vegetation, a herd of zebra scattering as Zoltar’s shadow swept over them. He grinned as he watch them flee. It was such fun to watch them panic and run at the first sight of him.

Just ahead loomed Mount Mokewtu, jutting out of the vast grass lands like some great disfigurement in the earth. Pine forests clocked the rocky slopes of the mountain while snow frosted its twin peaks. In its shadow lay Zoltar’s home; the Shadow Talon village.

Caves potted the mountain’s slopes as Shadow Talons walked in and out of the shallow tunnels. In the streets outside, dragons stood with the morning’s catch at their paws. Some had fish while other’s had game and all were hissing and growling as they went about trading their goods.

As Zoltar scanned below, he spotted a familiar snout amongst the crowd. He smiled as he recognized his brother, fighting as usual with a Shadow Talon bartering ostrich eggs. He swooped onto land next to his brother who was getting redder by the second.

“One ostrich egg is not worth a whole salmon,” Mouzan was shouting, waving the fish around like a wet rag. His barbed tail was lashing back and forth with such force, it sent dusk and pebbles scattering.

“Hey Mouzan,” Zoltar arched his eye crests, “Making trouble again I see.”

“I’m not making trouble. This reptile is a crook and he knows it,” Mouzan glared at the dealer, who looked at Zoltar beseechingly.

“Come on. There are other places to get ostrich eggs,” Zoltar said as he dragged Mouzan away.

The two wandered along the village’s main road, taking in the sights and smells. They’d passed the raw produce section of the market and were now in the cooking area. A rich banquet of spices flooded their senses. On either side of them, Shadow Talons were rubbing chilies, preserved lemons, and other aromatic spices into large slabs of meat, before blasting them with tongues of red hot flame.

Zoltar stopped at one of the stalls were a female Shadow Talon was preparing a whole chicken. Her onyx black horns caught the light of the dancing flames as she shot fire from her mouth.

“Do you think mother would like that for supper tonight?” Zoltar asked, turning to Mouzan.

“I guess,” Mouzan shrugged, “I still think ostrich eggs would have been better. We haven’t had that for ages.”

“Well you could have had them if you’d given him the fish.”

Mouzan scowled before turning to the Shadow Talon at the stall, asking “how much for a chicken?”

“That salmon you’re carrying will bring you two chickens,” she said.

“Deal,” Zoltar shouted, before Mouzan had a chance to argue.

“I could have handled it,” Mouzan hissed quietly as he handed over the fish.

“I know. It’s just that you tend to like arguing over nothing,” Zoltar said taking the two roasted chickens from the stall owner. He placed them inside the bag around his neck, its leaves would keep the meat nice and fresh.

Mouzan rolled his eyes and snorted as he and Zoltar headed home. Soaring over the village they passed the junior soldiers training grounds. Young Shadow Talons stood in perfect formation practicing lunging and guarding against invisible enemies.

“You know we should probably go see Scorpus after we’ve dropped the chickens off with mother,” Zoltar suggested, glancing at Mouzan who was floating just beside him. It had been a while since they’d heard from their General. Life could get a bit boring around the village and Zoltar felt the need for excitement. He wanted to make sure there weren’t any missions for them outside or around the Shadow Lands.

They’d nearly reached their home on the far side of the mountain when the earth began to shake. Startled, Zoltar and Mouzan nearly missed a wing beat and had to rapidly flap their wings to regain their balance. The earth was heaving back and forth and they were forced to hover until the rumble had quelled.

Zoltar dropped to the ground, shaking. His heart was pounding and his breath came out in short sharp bursts. There hadn’t been an earthquake in centuries. The last time one had struck, it had caused massive damage and many dragons had been killed. A horrifying thought crossed his mind. What if it had caused the cave they lived in to collapse? His mother was in there tending to her eggs.

“Quick, Mother might need us.” Zoltar cried, breaking into a gallop as he and Mowzan rushed for home. It was just around the corner on the far side of the village.

They arrived a few seconds later. Apart from a few rocks thrown around the entrance to their cave, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Cautiously, Zoltar stepped inside, keeping a look out for signs of falling debris. Who knew what the earthquake had down the caves structure. Mouzan was close behind him. The echoes of their ivory claws clacking on the cold stone floor resonated through the tunnels. Fire rocks lit the interior of the cave, giving off an eerie red light that pulsed as they passed by.

“Mom?” Zoltar called scanning the cave for his mother’s familiar black scales.

“I’m down here,” a voice cried from the depths of the tunnels, “I’m stuck.”

“She’s in the sleeping cave. Quick, she sounds like she in trouble,” Mouzan dashed deeper into the mountain.

Zoltar kept close to Mouzan’s tail, his heart thundering in his chest. What had happened? Was she alright? He didn’t know what he’d do if his mother was hurt or worse. Were the eggs okay? Mother had been brooding over them for the last year and it was near time for them to hatch. His heart was drumming to the beat of his paws against the stone floor as they raced down the cavern.

Finally they reached the sleeping cave. Mouzan skidded to a halt, his claws creating a terrible scraping noise. Zoltar slowed to a stop behind him.

A Shadow Talon was crouched in the far corner of the cave, her wings spread over a nest. Rocks littered the ground around her. Two boulders seemed to have trapped her barbed tail between them.

“Mother,” Zoltar gasped, stepping forward to nuzzle his mother’s wings.

“Boys,” Nazeru exclaimed in a relieved voice, lifting her wings to reveal her two eggs, still safe in the nest.

“Are you okay?” Mouzan asked as he and Zoltar heaved at one of the boulders trapping Nazeru’s tail.

“Yes… I think so. Oh, I was so afraid I’d be down here for hours,” she cried as she dragged her tail out from between the boulders. Some scales had been knocked from her hide, but other than that there didn’t seem to be any broken bones or puncture wounds.

“I’m just glad to see that you and the eggs are alright,” Zoltar said, drawing Nazeru into a hug. She nuzzled him closely as he tried to get her to stop shaking.

After a few minutes she’d finally stopped trembling and was breathing normally. She let out a long sigh of relief, “Oh thank you.”

“We came as soon as we felt the earthquake,” Mouzan started brushing dirt off the eggs and removing the rocks around the nest, “What do you think caused it?”

“I don’t know, but you boys’ best go see Hisster and Scorpus. They’ll probably need your help rescuing others.”

“Are you sure you’re okay on your own after that,” Zoltar pointed a claw at the discarded boulder.

“Yes, I think so. Other’s will need you more than me. Now go. There will be others in need of help.” Nazeru said, shooing them towards the exit.

“Here, you might as well have this since we’re here,” Zoltar passed her his bag with the two chickens.

“We’ll be back in time for dinner,” Mouzan shouted as he and Zoltar flew for the caves exit.

As Mouzan and Zoltar flew over the village, not much seemed to be out of the ordinary. Apart from a few rocks strewn across the paths, everything seemed normal. Maybe it had hit their part of the mountain worse than others.

But something in the back of Zoltar’s mind kept telling him there had to be more to this than just an earthquake. Things like this didn’t just come out of nowhere. Last time there’d been a tsunami on the northern side of the Shadow Lands. It hadn’t done much damage, but if it had been on the south it would have had an entirely different outcome. Zoltar decided to keep his ears and eyes open for possible side effects of the earthquake. It wouldn’t hurt to keep his senses on sharp alert.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review · Sun Aug 27, 2017 12:08 am

Hey felistia! I can't tell you how excited I was to see you had posted this. I missed reading it when you stopped posting the first draft.

This is already a huge improvement on the first draft, in my opinion. Right away, I was able to get a lot more of a feel for the dragon's culture and how they live - a marketplace scene was a good choice for that. Even better was how you used it to show Mouzan's character. I'm enjoying the dynamic between them.

Once the earthquake hits, however, this whole part feels weaker, like you're letting yourself be a little bit more complacent in writing. I don't really feel Zoltar's panic, possibly because at first he was so calm, which if the last earthquake had caused so much damage, wouldn't make much sense.

Also, the dialogue in the second half, particularly his mother's felt quite stilted, most glaringly when she was explaining what had happened during the earthquake. She's just had a massive fright - let that show through in her voice.

I also feel like if a rock big enough to stop her from moving fell on her tail, she would have at the very least severely bruised it, and more likely broken it. It might not be too big of a deal because it is just a tail, but it should be hurting like heck at the very least and she should need medical assistance. It's mostly because it fell on her and has to be pretty large, so it would have hit with a lot of force.

Anyway, looking forward to seeing what happens after this! I really like how you've shown his connection to his clan and his family here.

User avatar
RoseTulipLily
Review

Greetings! Happy review day! Now let's get right into the review!

'Zoltar soared over the Shadow Lands, the sunlight flooding his obsidian black scales and the wind tugging at his wings. Far below wide open plains stretched as far as the eye could see. A clear blue river snaked through the emerald grasses, twisting and roaring on its way to the distant sea. Countless prey animals grazed on the lush vegetation, a herd of zebra scattering as Zoltar's shadow swept over them. He grinned as he watch them flee. It was such fun to watch them panic and run at the first sight of a dragon.' This first paragraph alone has caught my attention with your pretty writing style and description. Of course, one should always be careful not to verge into purple prose, but I don't see any hints of that here so you're good.

'Some had fish while others had game and were hissing and growling as they went about trading their goods.' Is the correct way to say this.

'He swooped onto land next to his brother who was getting redder by the second.' Is the correct way to say this.

'On either side of them, Shadow Talons were rubbing chillies, preserved lemons, and other aromatic spices into large slabs of meat, before blasting them with tongues of red hot flame.' Is the correct way to say this.

I enjoyed the interactions between Zoltar and Mouzan. They really do come across as real brothers when they talk.

'The last time one had struck, it had cause massive damage. Dragons had been killed.' His mother was in there tending to her eggs.' I think you missed 'cause' (which should've been 'caused') before you posted this. Also, my advice would be to combine these two sentences into something along the lines of 'The last time one had struck, it had caused massive damaged and killed many dragons.' But it's your choice so make of it what you will.

So overall, I very much enjoyed this first chapter. I think does a good job of setting the scene for the story and somewhat establishing Zoltar and Mouzan as characters.

Keep writing!

User avatar
IcyFlame
Review

Hi there Felistia!
Just stopping by to do a quick review for you as I noticed this work seems to be in need of some love.

Far below wide open plains stretched as far as the eye could see.

Should have a comma after 'below'.

It was such fun to watch them panic and run at the first sight of a dragon.

I think you could include this later, or else make this line a little more subtle. The gradual reveal that he is a dragon seems more natural to me.

Caves potted the mountain’s slopes as Shadow Talons walked in and out of the shallow tunnels.

Do you mean dotted rather than potted?

The two wondered along the village’s main road, taking in the sights and smells.

Should be 'wandered'

The leaves that made up the bag would keep the meat nice and fresh.

I would write 'its leaves would keep the meat nice and fresh' to avoid repetition.

“That was strange,” Zoltar said, dropping to the ground. There hadn’t been an earthquake in centuries. The last time one had struck, it had cause massive damage. Dragons had been killed. A horrifying thought crossed his mind. What if it had caused the cave they lived in to collapse? His mother was in there tending to her eggs.

He goes from being very casual to very scared a little too quickly here. Wouldn't he at lest have been concerned, a little nervous right after the earthquake - especially if he hasn't experienced one before?

“What happened?” Mouzan asked as he and Zoltar heaved at the boulder pinning Nazeru’s tail to the cold floor.

This seems like a silly question seeing as he can see what has happened. And her explanation doesn't need to be here either. It's important to cut out what you can in a first chapter to keep your reader hooked. Don't write anything that isn't necessary.

It's an interesting start to a novel, and I'll definitely try to read some of your other chapters too. I hope you give us a good insight into the world these characters live in, because I feel that could be a very strong asset in this work, because you can play with it and make your own rules.

Hope this was helpful.
Icy.



The highlighted children are not mine.
— AresFig