Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy

E - Everyone

Quest for Fire Book Three ~ Touch the Sky Chapter 4

by felistia


Hisses and growls filled the air around the three dragons. The crimson eyes of the Fangtar drifted ever closer, stalking through the grasses like impending red orbs. They were getting ready to attack. They knew that their prey was weak. They snapped at each other like wild dogs with the anticipation of the kill to come.

Zoltar’s eyes felt like lead as his exhaustion clouded his mind. The urge for sleep was growing by the second and he could feel the sleep gas eating away at his conscious, forcing him to slowly, but inevitably fall asleep.

‘No!’ Zoltar shouted in his mind. It couldn’t end like this. He had too many dragons relaying on him. What would happen to Shiraku and Emerald if he died, not to mention Felistia and Shriken? He could not give in. He would not die without a fight. Morning was a few hours away, but they weren’t going to make it like this. They had to fight the Fangtar, show them that they weren’t going to go down so easily.

“Get up,” he growled to Felistia and Shriken, who were practically asleep on their paws.

“Wha-wha-what?” Shriken asked groggily, shaking his head in an effort to clear the urge to sleep.

“Hhmm?” Felistia mumbled, barely able to keep her eyes open.

“We are going to fight them,” Zoltar hissed, his voice laced with venom, “We aren’t going to last till morning and I refuse to going down without a fight.”

A wild light came into Felistia’s eyes, “Let’s do it,” she snarled, a new energy rising in her voice.

Zoltar glanced at Shriken when the young ice talon didn’t answer. He looked a little unsure and kept looking fearfully towards the grasses where the Fangtar stalked.

“Shriken?” Zoltar put a wing over Shriken’s back. He could feel the ice talon shaking under his wing, “We can do it. Don’t be afraid. Just use your ice breath and that tail of yours. They won’t know what hit them,” Zoltar encouraged, giving Shriken a light nudge with his snout, “Now come on. Let’s get out of this mess.”

Felistia growled deep inside her throat and pawed at the ground like a bull. She shot a reassuring smile at Shriken. He smiled back and Zoltar could feel his shaking lessen.

“Let’s show these lizards whose boss,” Zoltar growled, shaking his head to clear the sleep and snorting a cloud of smoke. He could feel the adrenaline rushing through his scales like electricity. Spreading his billowing black wings to full height, Zoltar roared, “CHARGE!”

All three dragons rushed forward, heads down. The Fangtar met them head on at the edge of the grass circle. The air filled with the sounds of hisses and roars as the dragons battled for their lives. Claws clanged against claws and teeth met scales. The ground was churned under the pounding of talons against the earth. Tails whipped through the air, smacking into Fangtar and sending them flying back into the grasses.

Zoltar’s heart was pounding and his sides where covered in lashes for Fangtar talons, but he kept fighting. He was battling for his very life. Fangtar where leaping at him from all sides, their black mouths stretched wide as they lunged for his throat. He spun, slamming his poisonous barb into the creatures’ sides. They screeched as they were flung back.

Zoltar didn’t dare use his fire. He could start a massive prairie fire if he did and that could put all of them in even more danger. Instead he used his teeth and claws, biting down on anything that wasn’t dragon. His talons cut through the air like blades. Felistia and Shriken where on either side of him, spraying ice and swinging their spiked tails at the Fangtar. Soon the air became heavy with the metallic smell of blood and the earth became sticky underpaw. They must have killed over twenty Fangtar already, but the beasts just kept coming, surging out of the grasses in a streams.

Zoltar's wings and sides burned from the cuts and bites and his head was still clouded with the want for sleep. They weren't going to last much longer. There seemed no end to the masses of Fangtar. As soon as one fell another would take its place.

Suddenly there was a piercing shriek from Zoltar’s left side. He whipped around, his heart clinched in his chest. There, lying on the ground with Fangtar swarming over him was Shriken.

“No!” Felistia roared. She rushed towards Shriken, throwing herself through the hordes of Fangtar.

“Shriken!” Zoltar yelled, hurrying to get to the downed dragon. Fangtar sprang at him from all sides, raking their talons against his scales. Pain streaked through his body, but he carried on.

Finally he reached the wounded Ice Talon. With on swipe of his tail, he cleared the Fangtar from his back. Shriken’s eyes were closed and his breathing was shallow. His once silver scales were painted with deep crimson blood.

Zoltar instantly knew what he had to do. He didn’t care anymore if it caused the entire landscape to go up in flame. It was the only way to escape with Shriken.

“Felistia!” Zoltar shouted, launching two Fangtar back with one stroke of his wings, “Grab Shriken. We’re getting him out of here.”

Felistia instantly grabbed hold of Shriken’s two back legs while Zoltar grabbed his two front legs. They began beating their wings, pushing against the air as they heaved Shriken into the air. Fangtar where leaping at them from all sides, snapping and biting at the Shriken’s hanging wings. Felistia froze three of them in mid-air. But still they came, jumping at them like piranhas.

When they were just clear of the grass, Zoltar let out a river of roaring flame from his jaws. The orange blaze poured onto the dry grass below. The Fangtar shrieked and yelped as the fire crackled hungrily around them. They gave the dragons’ one last glare, their black eyes shining in the golden light of the fire, before turning tail and running.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1107 Reviews


Points: 46225
Reviews: 1107

Donate
Sun Aug 28, 2016 1:10 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

This chapter was much better for me because the plot moved forward and you show us something that is actually happening. But there are a few places I think you can still show a bit more. :)

They were getting ready to attack. They knew that their prey was weak. They snapped at each other like wild dogs with the anticipation of the kill to come.

You start three sentences in a row with "they". The first "they" is also a bit ambiguous because in the first two sentences of this paragraph you mention two different groups (the three dragons and the Fangtar), therefore there "they" could be two different groups. I think you could simplify these three sentences into two and change one "they" into something more specific. Maybe like: "The Fangtar knew their prey was weak, and they were getting ready to attack." One other little point - how do the Fangtar know their prey is weak? Remember that your reader doesn't have the same window into the world that you do, and you need to show us everything.

Zoltar’s eyes felt like lead as his exhaustion clouded his mind.


He had too many dragons relaying on him.

"Relying" not "relaying"

What would happen to Shiraku and Emerald if he died, not to mention Felistia and Shriken?

This thought fell a little flat for me. I liked the previous sentence about him having too many dragons relying on him. I think if you took out this sentence and moved right into "He could not give in" you would achieve the same effect.
If you want him to specifically think about his friends like you get at in this sentence, I think you need to do more and dig deeper in that thought. Start with Shiraku and Emerald. "Shiraku and Emerald [are still trapped somewhere/something about their present situation]. Without him to [help/save/verb about what he's doing for them], they will [stakes/what will happen to them]." See how that shows the full scope of the situation and digs into his fear and what he has at stake? Now he has to figure out way out.
Same for Felistia and Shriken. "And not to mention Felistia and Shriken. If he [didn't make it/gave up/etc] they would [what would happen to them/how would that impact their mission/stakes]."

“We are going to fight them,” Zoltar hissed, his voice laced with venom, “We aren’t going to last till morning and I refuse to going down without a fight.”

A wild light came into Felistia’s eyes, “Let’s do it,” she snarled, a new energy rising in her voice.

She was half asleep and then she immediately sprang into action and agreed to help fight just like that? Is there any discussion about this? Any dissent? Any form of a plan? I think this needs to be slowed down a touch more. I know that time is important right now because they're fading and these Fangtars are getting closer, but do they have any idea about how many they're up against? Felistia and Shriken didn't even know what they were in the previous chapter, how are they expected to know how to fight them now?

Felistia instantly grabbed hold of Shriken’s two back legs while Zoltar grabbed his two front legs. They began beating their wings, pushing against the air as they heaved Shriken into the air.

Now in the last chapter they said it wouldn't be a good idea to take off and fly. Why do they do that now if it wasn't a good idea then? And in the past when they've been injured it's been difficult to fly. This time they're lifting someone up and escaping a horde of angry Fangtars with apparent ease.

I liked the battle scene description. I appreciated that it didn't go on and on and you managed to show us a lot while keeping it concise. I also appreciated that you gave us the "wide view" of what was happening in the first paragraph of the battle, showing generally what was going on with everyone, and then you zoomed in on what Zoltar was specifically doing and what the other two were doing. Good execution there.

I'll see you soon in the next chapter! Let me know if you have any questions! :D




User avatar
120 Reviews


Points: 4842
Reviews: 120

Donate
Sun Jul 31, 2016 3:35 pm
RippleGylf wrote a review...



Hello, Ripple here! This kinda last-paging for me, as I haven't read Book 2 nor the beginning of Book 3, but I'll review it anyway. :D

Hisses and growls filled the air around the three dragons. The crimson eyes of the Fangtar drifted ever closer, stalking through the grasses like impending red orbs. They were getting ready to attack. They knew that their prey was weak. They snapped at each other like wild dogs with the anticipation of the kill to come.

The last sentence in this paragraph sounds a bit out of place; otherwise, the imagery is pretty good.
Zoltar’s eyes felt like lead as his exhaustion clouded his mind. The urge for sleep was growing by the second and he could feel the sleep gas eating away at his conscious, forcing him to slowly, but inevitably fall asleep.

Imagery is once again spectacular, only issue is the missing comma after "inevitably."
“We are going to fight them,” Zoltar hissed, his voice laced with venom, “We aren’t going to last till morning and I refuse to going down without a fight.”

Zoltar has turned into quite the hero, hasn't he? I love that his character has clearly developed.
All three dragons rushed forward, heads down. The Fangtar met them head on at the edge of the grass circle. The air filled with the sounds of hisses and roars as the dragons battled for their lives. Claws clanged against claws and teeth met scales. The ground was churned under the pounding of talons against the earth. Tails whipped through the air, smacking into Fangtar and sending them flying back into the grasses.

You start a lot of sentences with "the" in this paragraph. Try to vary your sentence beginnings a bit.
Zoltar didn’t dare use his fire. He could start a massive prairie fire if he did and that could put all of them in even more danger. Instead he used his teeth and claws, biting down on anything that wasn’t dragon. His talons cut through the air like blades. Felistia and Shriken where on either side of him, spraying ice and swinging their spiked tails at the Fangtar. Soon the air became heavy with the metallic smell of blood and the earth became sticky underpaw. They must have killed over twenty Fangtar already, but the beasts just kept coming, surging out of the grasses in a streams.

This beginning of the paragraph seems a bit too out of the moment. The rest of it is well written action, so good job with that. The "a" in the last sentence can be omitted.

Overall, this was a very well-written and satisfying chapter. Keep writing!




User avatar
115 Reviews


Points: 738
Reviews: 115

Donate
Sun Jul 31, 2016 9:15 am
writerkitty wrote a review...



CHARGE!!! Oh um...I mean hi, I'm here with another review! :D

I was right!! This chapter was an action packed super-duper dragon vs Fangter battle scene! :D
I really had fun reading this chapter! You really know how to create suspense and excitement! I was biting my nails while reading this chapter (hehe, I know that's not a good habit...)

Zoltar's awesome! As I said earlier, he really is a good leader and he doesn't give up easily. ^^ Ad not letting his teammates down is a great quality I see in him. :)

The Fangters are pretty mean. :O I thought there were only a few of them, but boy was I wrong! It's super intriguing that you made a whole bunch of those creatures attack the sleepy dragons!
Your descriptions are awesome! Not only do you describe the places and creatures about you also describe all the action in an awesome way! Good job! :D


I'm super worried about Shriken, he's much younger and less skillful than the other two. I also feel sorry for the poor dragon. I just hope he's not severely injured or anything.


And now to the small mistakes,

Finally he reached the wounded Ice Talon. With on swipe of his tail, he cleared the Fangtar from his back.


Place a comma after 'finally'

They must have killed over twenty Fangtar already, but the beasts just kept coming, surging out of the grasses in a streams


Change, to 'in a stream' or 'in streams'

Fangtar where leaping at him from all sides, their black mouths stretched wide as they lunged for his throat


'where should be written as 'were'

Instead he used his teeth and claws,


Place a comma after instead. ^^


This is a super awesome chapter and I can't wait to read more! :D

That's all for now,
Never stop writing and have a super awesome day!
writerkitty.





Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
— Dr. Seuss