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Young Writers Society



Quest for Fire ~ Chapter 3 ~ The Howler Dragons

by felistia


“Ah, you're here,” Hisster said as he watched Zoltar walk into the throne room the next morning.

“Yes sir,” Zoltar yawned, rubbing his eyes. Last night had been terrible. Every time he’d closed his eyes the Exltron had been there, haunting his dreams with its glowing red eyes. Screams and shouts had echoed in his ears the whole night and at one point Zoltar had thought that he’d been back in that forest with the beast.

“ZOLTAR!” Hisster roared, snapping Zoltar out of his daze, “Stand up straight for suffering serpents’ sake and stop yawning. Honestly! I know that you’re not doing too well, but that’s no excuse to slouch around.”

Zoltar remand silent. He was starting to wonder if he'd jumped straight from one nightmare into another.

After seeing that Zoltar wasn’t going to answer, Hisster rolled his eyes and padded out the room. Zoltar slowly followed the larger Shadow Talon up the tunnel, his wings drooping and his tail trailing limply behind him like a dead snake. He just didn’t know how to feel. Emotions were bombarding him from all directions. One second his insides felt like they were boiling, then the next second they seemed to have wilted like dry plants. Endless thoughts filled his head, but they made no sense. They just felt like white noise.

The sun hit them full in the face as they left the darkness of the tunnels, but Zoltar didn’t even flinch. It felt like he was floating through nothingness and there was no end in sight.

Hisster spread wide his wings as they billowed like the clouds of dark ash streaming from the volcano behind them. He looked back at Zoltar and another look of slight irritation flashed across his face as he raised his eye brows and rolled his eyes. He muttering to himself as he lifted into the air, his wings tossing up clouds of dust.

Zoltar unfurled his wings and leapt into the air. The sun was a burning scarlet behind the black ash and smoke choking the sky. The wind tossed painful red sparks and smouldering hot embers against Zoltar scales, but he didn’t care if they burnt him. Life was dead to him and everything around him just felt numb.

After about an hour of flying through harsh plumes of ash, they finely reached the Forbidden Hills. The land below them was bare, with only the skeleton like remains of once lush spring green trees. Not a breath of wind was in the air and thick black ash choked the burnt earth. There wasn't a green bush or tree for as far as the eye could see. 

Zoltar swallowed the lump building in his throat. 'What had happened here and how could the Howler Dragons live here? What did they eat in this barren wasteland?'

Zoltar took in a deep lungful the air, searching for signs of danger. He was sent into a loud coughing fit as harsh ash and bitter smoke filled his lungs. He slapped a paw over his snout, hoping it would muffle the sound of his horse coughs.

Hisster shot him a glare and mouthed the words shut up. Zoltar nodded and continued to scan the ground below. A rabbit warren of gaping holes littered the vast land and thick yellow smoke streamed from dark entrances. The only sound was a faint rumbling echoing from below Zoltar, making his scales tingle with nerves. Every minute seemed to last for an eternity and the feeling of small ants creeping over his scales crossed over him, causing to him to shiver in fear. He wanted to get out of this silent desert and away from the evil feeling pulsing from the ground below.

Suddenly a blood-curdling howl filled the air around them. Zoltar flinched and missed a wing beat, faltering in the air for a few seconds before righting himself.

“What was that?” Zoltar asked in panic, his heart pounding like a drum. It sounded way too similar to the Exltron’s awful roars.

“Those are the Howler Dragons. We are close,” Hisster replied, who didn’t seem to be rattled by the unearthly calls at all.

Suddenly, Hisster tucked his wings and swooped into a dive much like a peregrine falcon. Zoltar folded his wings and plunged down after Hisster. The wind battered his face and pulled at his wings as if telling him to turn back as the black earth rush towards him. At the last second Hisster and Zoltar snapped open their wings and landed gently on the ground.

The earth was soft with soot under Zoltar’s paws as he followed Hisster up a deserted hill. His nerves on a razors edge, Zoltar strained his ears to hear anything other than the sound of his own footsteps. Nothing, just cold, dead silence met his ears. He cringed, realizing that the rumbling had stopped. Zoltar flexed his claws, ready to fight if he had to.

When they had neared to top of the slope a strange whooshing sound swept over the top like the sound of small wings flapping. Hisster carried on over the peak unconcerned. There was a shout and a loud thwack. Zoltar stiffened and only just had enough time to see a huge black dragon leap over the hill before it smacked him over the head with its hard tail. Everything went black.


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Sun Feb 26, 2017 8:30 pm
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Featherstone wrote a review...



Hello again! Guess who it is- your friendly neighborhood feather roc!

Gettit? Instead of featherstone? Haha? Okay, fine. I know it's unbearably terrible. Sorry.

Again, only criticism is nitpicks.

"'Stand up straight for suffering serpents’ sake and stop yawning.'" I just really like the expression 'for suffering serpents' sake.'

"Zoltar remand silent." Remained.

"He muttering to himself as he lifted into the air, his wings tossing up clouds of dust." I'd say 'lifted into the sky' because you say 'air' when describing Zoltar's takeoff.

"They just felt like white noise." Nice description.

"After about an hour of flying through harsh plumes of ash, they finely reached the Forbidden Hills." Finally.

"Every minute seemed to last for an eternity and the feeling of small ants creeping over his scales crossed over him, causing to him to shiver in fear." You say 'scales' in the last sentence. Perhaps something like 'skin' would make it less repetitive.

"Suddenly, Hisster tucked his wings and swooped into a dive much like a peregrine falcon." Three things: firstly, same thing as before with the suddenly. Don't tell me it was sudden, show me: 'Hisster tucked his wings and swooped into a dive much like that of a peregrine without warning, causing Zoltar to falter before following suit.' Second, having a 'that' so it says: 'much like that of a peregrine falcon' would make it flow better in my opinion. Lastly, because you're comparing it to a Peregrine Falcon, not just any falcon, it needs to be capitalized.

"There was a shout and a loud thwack." Onomatopoeias (words that are representative of noises, like bang, boom, or crack) are generally italicized.

Nice cliffhanger! I'll keep on following these chapters.

-Feather




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Mon Feb 13, 2017 12:18 am
erilea wrote a review...



Hello, felistia! Lupa here for a review! :D Let's jump in...

1) Ah, so Zoltar's emotions finally kick in.

Honestly, I feel like it would make more sense for these "feeling numb" and "don't care about life" expressions to be put in the second chapter. That took place after the attack, right? Now, it seems a little late for them to occur. But I guess the PTSD is understandable.

2) There are grammatical errors dotted all over this work. For this review's sake, I won't mention them all, but at some points you're missing an apostrophe or your word choice is wrong. Go over your work with a fine-toothed comb and pay attention to detail.

3) I would like more action in this chapter. 95% of it is Zoltar traveling to the Howler Dragons. It might be convenient to end the chapter with a character blacking out, but it's cliche and too abrupt for my taste.

If Zoltar heard the black dragon shout before he saw it, shouldn't he have enough sense to back out or run out of the way? He's been wary of danger since the beginning of the chapter. Something like that thwack in the last paragraph should've sent him on edge.

In addition, maybe Hisster and Zoltar aren't much of a match for that huge dragon, but shouldn't they have brought reinforcements as well? I mean, Howler Dragons sound dangerous. And according to Hisster, most soldiers are out gaining land, but isn't his own safety important too? Think of some reasons as to why Zoltar and Hisster are alone on this expedition. Maybe I missed it, but I can't think of any right now.

4) The title is just a little bit misleading. Technically, you only mentioned one Howler Dragon--the black one, I presume, that attacked Hisster and Zoltar at the end. Perhaps you could call it something different, just to prevent the reader from getting confused.

Overall, your chapter was short but very detailed and a nice read. I definitely want to read more, and I'll look at some of the others later. But keep writing and churning out these chapters!

XOX,
Lupa22




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Wed Feb 08, 2017 6:12 pm
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SacredPen wrote a review...



"I've become so numb, I can't feel you there..."
-"Numb", Linkin Park

SO. I see you decided to go the route of PTSD. I personally enjoy reading about how everyone copes with traumatic or near-death experiences, so this is already starting off on a good note for me. Though I feel that, at times, you kind of drove the point of his general aloofness down my throat, I suppose I'd be no better at it, seeing as how my writing style focuses on the plain statement of facts in a fictional setting and yours doesn't. Not a bad thing - I started reading this series in preparation to write my own; I want to experience other writing styles to broaden my abilities - just kind of repetitive.

Also, I understand that Zoltar is an inexperienced, disabled, shy dragon at heart, and that other dragons would view that as weakness, but it just seems like Hisster finds his very existence to be an impediment to the progress of life, which is plain mean. I still identify with Zoltar to a degree, and I appreciate your use of imagery. However, I'll also have to use that compliment to segway into my issues that are - thankfully - NOT logic or plot-related.

Primarily, (and this is difficult without me knowing how to do that grey-box-quotation-thing Carlito does) do you notice yourself repeating some imagery a bit much? Normally, I form an image of a story with the words and my own aesthetic as a guide, but with everything being "black smoke, fire, ashes, breathing complications, and intense sunlight", it's relatively difficult to envision wholly separate settings for every scenario. Basically the only image I had in my mind was one of two dragons flying through some black clouds with inhalers over an endless lava plain before Zoltar catches a sweetspotted Dair from another dragon above them (so you know how my mind works). This is not to say that you are bad at imagery, just to say that there's more than one manner of conveying a similar setting.

Secondarily, you tend to have a lot of lead-ins to your actions. While I can fully get behind the necessity to show the reader as opposed to outright tell them what's happening, it's important to remember that we as readers are fully capable of receiving plain information and turning it into what it's supposed to be interpreted as. For example, here's a sample of something I wrote years ago in a short story compared to how I'd write it now:

"A grin cracking across his face, XS looked up at Jordan and laughed heartily, his hands pocketed in a generally nonthreatening manner."

"XS looked at Jordan briefly, his focus failing to the sheer hilarity of the situation to him; he tilted his head back and bellowed the most ludicrous laugh he could manage."

See what I mean, sort of? The upper example is good to do sometimes, but not all of the time, same for the bottom example. It's not meant to be a harsh degradation of your writing skills, just a general criticism that I've received before.

Finally, I feel as if your personal perception of your characters is physical for the most part. That is to say that there's a lack of exposition pertaining to your characters' thought processes. I'd love to know what's going through their heads just a little more often than I currently do. I feel like Zoltar's thoughts are prioritized over anyone else's in this story, which is weird considering this is told from a third-person perspective that possesses some level of omniscience. Hopefully you do eventually tell how every character is thinking at some time, as it adds to their personality and helps me get into the story psychologically.

That's all today! Have a nice day and feel free to reply with any clarification or comments you may have! ;)




felistia says...


Thank for another review. I do agree with what you're saying and will get to editing as soon as possible. I've got quite a bit to do.

P.s if you want to do that grey box thing all you have to do is use this code. [wquote] put words here [/quote] please ignore the w I put in the first quote. It's to stop if from turning into a box. :D



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Wed Feb 08, 2017 2:44 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello my dear felistia! :D Getting right to it again...

“You're on time, good start after what happened yesterday,” Hisster noted as Zoltar walked into the throne room the next morning.

After what happened yesterday? I know he had a failed mission and dragons died and he sort of got into it with Hisster, but what does any of that have to do with being on time? Or is Hisster just generally mad at Zoltar and he finds the simple act of being on time helpful in getting back on his good side?

One second his insides felt like they were boiling, then the next second they seemed to have wilted like dry plants.

I love the feelings, but what about the thoughts? (You probably get tired of me always asking for thoughts :p) What's behind those feelings? You've hinted at it with the nightmares from the other day and now feeling victimized again by his leader, but I want to know more about what's going through his mind.

The sun hit them full in the face as they left the darkness of the tunnels, but Zoltar didn’t even flinch. It felt like he was floating through nothingness and there was no end in sight.

I do really like the way you're showing his feelings though. Even though we're not dealing with humans here, this is how I imagine a person might feel after going through a major traumatic experience like Zoltar has. He's still in shock. He hasn't had time to process or really deal with what happened and his boss isn't being sympathetic and he's about to be thrown back in again. I know I asked for thoughts a second ago (and I still want them) but I could also understand him not having a lot of thoughts right now because he's so numb. Maybe he doesn't know what he's thinking. Maybe he's just going through the motions.

He looked back at Zoltar and another look of slight irritation flashed across his face.

I think you can show this. What does this look of slight irritation look like? Does he roll his eyes? Do his eyebrows go up? Does he give a little huff? Showing us rather than telling us will help us see Hisster's personality and it will simplify your sentence. "He looked back at Zoltar, [description of exactly what he does and what he looks like. done.]"

Muttering to himself he lifted into the air, his wings tossing up clouds of dust.

You need a subject here - "He muttered..."

Zoltar took in a deep lungful the air, searching for signs of danger. He regretted it immediately as he was sent into a loud coughing fit as harsh ash and bitter smoke filled his lungs. Fighting to stop coughing, he slapped a paw over his snout, hoping it would muffle the sound.

One thing I've noticed with you is that you use a lot of prepositions in your sentences. Like here, "He regretted it immediately" and "Fighting to stop coughing". To me, it makes your sentences sound passive because there's this long preposition before we get to the real subject and action. And in both of these cases, you don't need those prepositions because just by showing what he does and what happens, we'll get the vibe that he regretted taking in a lungful of air and that he's trying to stop coughing.

Hisster shot him a for-crying-out-loud-be-quiet look.

Again, I have no idea what this looks like. Just like with the last look, show me exactly what he's doing.


Overall, this was a fine chapter. It wasn't as exciting or as dramatic as the previous two chapters, but that's okay. It's kind of nice to take a second to breathe before everything gets nutty again. Now, while the plot does move forward because they are going on to the next part of their mission, not a lot happens. Zoltar and Hisster have a few interactions and Hisster is annoyed with him. They fly. They arrive. Zoltar is scared. He gets knocked out. Now again, it's okay to have chapters that are less exciting, but I think I could use a bit more action. Maybe a conversation between Zoltar and Hisster? Speaking of Hisster....

I get that he's the leader and he's been through some rough times too, but I'm surprised that he's not more sympathetic to Zoltar. Zoltar has just been through a major trauma and Hisster expects him to be a perfect soldier and brush it off and go right back out there. I get it to a degree, but where's his compassion? He doesn't seem very understanding at all. Maybe more conversations between him in Zoltar and showing Hisster's human (haha because he's a dragon :p) side a bit more would be good. I want to care about Hisster because if memory serves he's going to die (unless you changed it!), and since he's the boss. Right now he's just not nice and I don't like that.

That's all for now, but let me know if you have any questions/all the usual stuff and I'll see you again very soon! :D




felistia says...


Thank you for all this wonderful criticism. I've need this so badly. I agree with everything you've said and I'll get to editing as soon as possible. I might have to work on the thoughts a bit though as I mustn't go over board as he is supposed to be filling a bit dead to the world.

Moving on to the other review you gave me. Thanks again and have a great day. :D



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Thu Feb 02, 2017 10:31 pm
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Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there, I'm back again. Yes I will follow this novel until the end and you may possibly get annoyed by my constant presence here. So I said I was finally going to talk about the descriptions and stuffs.

Descriptions and Stuffs
1. I think that this element of your writing is very attractive to the people trying to follow this as the adventure unfolds. I'm trying to go about this as quickly as possibly because I hate to drag on for long bits. I often put stuff down if I feel like the author isn't really telling me where everything is happening or the fictional world just seems too poorly well put together. Just a guess, but I'm feeling that you spent massive amounts of time planning out this fictional world so that there would be few skeptics. I could totally believe this as some alien planet somewhere, because the characters and histories seem well enough developed. (You know without sounding completely crazy.)

2. I'm just going to dissect one little bit of your story in the quote below to show my sort of thoughts overall.

After seeing that Zoltar wasn’t going to answer, Hisster rolled his eyes and padded out the room. Zoltar slowly followed the larger Shadow Talon up the tunnel, his wings drooping and his tail trailing limply behind him like a dead snake. He just didn’t know how to feel. Emotions were bombarding him from all directions. One second his insides felt like they were boiling, then the next second they seemed to have wilted like dry plants.

~So there's parts that drop up in down and thoroughness, which to me is a pretty good mix because you don't always want to be 'here is everything' but you also don't want a story to be in an eternal state of 'why do you care'. (To be fair I treat stories like the difference ages of humans.)
~The emotions are another factor of the believable factor because humans are looking at this as non-humanoid creatures that are super like humans emotion wise. This is a fun idea to toy with just because so many people are like 'yeah we want these dinosaur aliens but they can't be at all like humans'. Hopefully this sounds like some sort of sense. If not, you know the drill.
~Also the comparisons are a very good source of humor so you know, play that as far as you possibly can with this story.

Ability to Catch Up
1. Each of the chapters has a little bit where the reader can figure out what is sort of happening. The only reason I'm mentioning this is because many readers on YWS are trying to jump into the middle of a novel, particularly during review day, when there is a series of chapters in the back logs. So that's why I think it's sort of good to have chapters where you can just jump in, get the gist of the plot, and if you want to know more you can read the rest.
2. This realistically wouldn't happen if someone was purchasing the book but I felt the need to mention it here for the sake of this review not being focused around one topic.

Good-Bye
1. The characters are changing even more so I'll probably be back in a couple of chapters to talk about them again. Just trying to lay out a sort of plan so we all know some what, about the current review plan going on in my mind.
Till tomorrow, good day and good luck.
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs




felistia says...


Thanks again for a review. (keep not getting notifications for your reviews). I'm so happy that you're liking the story. I hope you carry on reading and thanks again. Have a great day. :D



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Tue Jan 31, 2017 11:18 pm
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm back for another review.

I really like some of the in-world expressions, especially "suffering serpents' sake" because it rolls off the tongue and is fun to say. I love unique expressions like that in general.

Finally morning had come, breaking the night of fitful sleep, though Zoltar was starting to wonder whether being with Hisster was going to be much better. The chief could be quite insensitive at times and that was not what Zoltar needed at the moment.

“ZOLTAR!” Hisster roared, snapping Zoltar out of his daze, “Stand up straight for suffering serpents’ sake and stop yawning. Honestly! I know that you’re not doing too well, but that’s no excuse to slouch around.”

You have this pattern of exposition and then example, here and elsewhere, where you say why Zoltar is feeling what he's feeling and then you show an example of that behavior. I think it would be more immersive if you first showed that example of Hisster being insensitive and then just said that Zolter was starting to wonder if he'd rather have the nightmares. You don't really need to say Hisster "could be quite insensitive" because you should be able to show that through his actions. In general, when straight-up saying a character trait of a character, it's better to heavily filter it through a character's thoughts, because to the reader it feels less like the AUTHORIAL VOICE OF DOOM (okay, I exaggerate a little) telling them what to think.

(So for example, you could have that happen then have Zoltar directly think I forgot how insensitive he could be. It's a subtle show-don't-tell trick.)

I'm wondering why it's just Hisster and Zoltar going out to talk to the Howler Dragons - I feel like Hisster would want more guards if the Howler Dragons are this unfriendly. There's probably a good reason why not, but I feel like I haven't seen enough of the command structure to understand that reason, though I'd guess it has something to do with there being so few left in their clan.

I also think you could maybe use the time in between this chapter and the last one to show us a little more of Zoltar's normal life, as he heads to bed. It would help give readers a better idea of how big the clan is, if he has any friends at all, what social norms are like, and also make it feel like everything's not going quite so fast.

I like the tension between Zoltar and Hisster - it makes things interesting, and creates suspense because right now I don't like Hisster much and so don't have as much confidence in him as a leader. :P I'm interested to see his future role in the story.

And that's all I've got for this one!




felistia says...


thanks for the review. I'll go ahead and take on your advice and apply it as soon as possible.

when it comes to showing more of ever day life I completely agree. I show a bit of that in the coming chapters, but I see how it would be good to have a bit earlier too.
thanks again and I hope you have a great day. :D




Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.
— Kyle Chandler