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Young Writers Society



Quest for Fire ~ Chapter 7 ~ Into the Mist

by felistia


The mountains shone a flaming crimson as the sun rose over the towering peaks. It bathed the Moon Talon village in bright ruby and golden copper rays, driving the mist curling around the houses back to the shadows. The bright green fields surrounding the village blushed golden emerald as the sun’s light swept over the swaying grasses. A roaring river cascaded down from the tree covered mountains behind the village. It twisted and turned like a writhing serpent on its course down through the fields and out to the far off sea. Willows bowed over the gushing water, their long vines whipped up by the raging current.

Zoltar gliding over the village’s mud houses, his scales shining like black crystal. The wind brushed his wing tips and whistled in his ears. He took a deep breath of the sweet, early morning air. Pleasure tingled across his obsidian scales like electric sparks as he scanned the ground below with his eagle eyes.

The tall mud houses were tinted crimson with the sun’s yellow beams. Lush green bushes sprouted from the roofs of the houses. Blossoming peach trees stood in clumps next to the houses, their bright, pink flowers carpeting the winding roads and gardens.

'All this will be gone if I fail this mission and the Shadow Talons will go to war with the Moon Talons,' Zoltar thought, worry gnawing at his stomach. Images of fire and burning villages flashed before his eyes as the ghostly screams of dragons echoed in his ears. 'No. Never again will the Shadow Talons go to war with an innocent tribe. After what they did the Wisp Talons deserve to have their land taken. I must succeed in this quest. There is no other option.'

Zoltar could see the sparkling, blue ocean in the distance, its frothing waves catching the sun’s golden light as they curled. The thick forest in front of him shone emerald, its leaves dancing in the wind. Birds warbled and chirped from the waving branches and small, silver, winged lizards glided from tree to tree. The waves lapped at the golden beach’s sand bordering the forest as Zoltar flew past. Small fish darted in the shallows, their bright, violet shapes shooting through the water like torpedoes.

Zoltar breathed in the salty air happily as he soared out over the sea. His shadow danced on the water below him as he sped along. The sun’s yellow beams warmed his back and white sea spray cooled his belly. Dolphins leapt from the sea, the crystal clear water streaming down their silver bodies. Zoltar eyed them hungrily. One dolphin would make a nice meal for a dragon, but they looked so happy leaping in and out of his shadow that he decided to leave them be.

Far off in the distance he could see mist swirling around tall pillars of seaweed covered rock, their peaks far above the clouds and a dragon's maximum flying height.

“The Misty Maze,” Zoltar murmured anxiously. Once, many years ago, the maze had been a clear, lush ecosystem and had supported a thriving sea side community. No one knew why the maze had suddenly misted up. Now it was dark and forbidden country. Mysterious creatures lurked in its vapors and many who ventured into the maze never returned.

He didn’t know whether to be nervous or excited. On the one hand he felt scared for he knew what was waiting for him in those columns of stone and on the other hand for some unknown reason he felt excited. Beyond the maze was an island of danger; an unknown land full of new and mysterious creatures.

Zoltar’s heart pounded in his chest as he approached the Misty Maze. A strange wind was blowing, battering his wings, trying to hurl him into the ocean as he entered.

It was strangely quiet in the maze, apart from the crashing of the waves against the pillars. No fish sprang from the sea and no birds called from the rocks. Zoltar shivered. He had the feeling he was being watched and the way the mist snaked in and around the columns made it impossible to see more than a dragon’s length ahead. The mist seemed to curl over and into his scales, making them clammy and cold. He barely stopped himself from flinching as a large knobbly pillar came into view. The clumps of seaweed and mussels clinging to the rocks seemed to melt into the mist. Their shapes twisted and warped in the fog. As he flew through the towering rocks an eerie, wailing howl suddenly filled the air, seeming to bounce off the pillars and splashing water.

Zoltar stopped and hovered, trying to pinpoint where the sound was coming from, but the call seemed to be bouncing from pillar to water and back again, making it impossible to hear where it was coming from.

Suddenly there was a splash from below Zoltar. He swiftly looked down, but all he could see were the ripples. He flew a little lower, peering into the murky, black water. He flinched as the large, dark shadow of a slender sea creature passed underneath him. Its tail made small eddies in the water as it passed by. 

Suddenly it lunged out of the water towards him, its sharp, white teeth shining wickedly. Zoltar swerved violently, his wings tips brushing the water as he tried to gain height. For one heart stopping moment he lost balance and dropped toward the creatures out stretched jaws, but moments later he was able to regain control. The creature landed back into the water, showering him in sea spray.

Zoltar sped through the maze, narrowly avoiding pillars and clusters of oysters. He could hear the creature bounding through the water towards him, its tail sweeping through the water, creating massive waves that smacked against the pillars. He picked up the pace, dipping and diving, veering and swerving through the mist. He had to reach the end of the maze before that thing caught him.

At last the beach appeared in front of him. He catapulted onto the sand, unable to scale the sudden slope in time. He lay there gasping for air. Zoltar looked back at the murky water and heaved a heave sigh of relief. The unknown creature had gone.

Suddenly there was a splash as a big creamy reptile sprang onto the beach. The creature stood there, its snake like eyes staring unblinking at him, sending a chill down Zoltar’s spikes. It looked similar to a large velociraptor with an elongated alligator’s snout and was about the size of a large male elk. As he scanned its long razor sharp spin along the length of its back, he realized it was a Shang Fu, another dragon killer, but not as deadly as the Exltron. The most notable feature on the creature was the scorpion like barb on the end of its tail. It looked just like the poisons stinger on the end of his tail, Zoltar realized. A cold sense of dread wrapped around his chest cutting off his breath.

Zoltar could see that it was a lot faster than him and would be on top of him before he could get into the air. His instinct was telling him to flee, but he knew that he would have a better chance standing his ground and fighting. He was alone and had no one to rely on. It was either fight or die.

Zoltar gave a low threatening growl and glared at the Shang Fu, hoping to intimidate it at least a little. Surely he'd be able to defeat on little Shang Fu half his size. 

The Shang Fu scowled back as though it had just read his mind, its glittering yellow eyes alive with menace. Taking a step back from him it raised its ugly head and howled a long, bone chilling howl.

Almost instantly two more Shang Fu leapt out of the lapping waves. The first Shang Fu growled and snapped at the newcomers and they cowered under their leaders gaze. He hissed at them and jerked his head towards Zoltar as though showing them their prey.

'Uh oh,' Zoltar thought, watching the circling Shang Fu, their teeth sparkling in the dim sunlight. He was about to flee when Scorpus’s voice spoke inside his head, 'Come on, they’re smaller than those Howler Dragons you fought. Fight them!'

Zoltar exhaled a cloud of black smoke. A small spark of confidence burned inside him like a fire, growing bigger with every breath. If he could defeat over ten Howler Dragons single handedly, surly he could take on these pipsqueaks. He lashed his poisonous tail and with a roar of fury he charged towards the snarling Shang Fu, his head down.

The Shang Fu’s eyes widened with surprise as Zoltar teared towards them. They scurried to get out of the way of his sharp, violet horns, tripping over each other in the process. He thwacked one with his tail, sending the yelping lizard flying back into the ocean. He batted another out the way with his wing, hurling it across the sand.

Zoltar suddenly felt a sharp sting as a wieght landed on his back. There was another shoot of pain through his spikes as he twisted his head round to look at what was on his back. The leading Shang Fu was hooked into his hide and was clawing his way up Zoltar's back, digging his razor sharp claws between his scales.

Fear clenched Zoltar’s heart as the Shang Fu raised its tail. With one lightning fast movement he brought it down towards Zoltar's spine. Zoltar shut his eyes, waiting for the blow.


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Sun Feb 26, 2017 9:31 pm
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Featherstone wrote a review...



"The mountains shone a flaming crimson as the sun rose over the towering peaks. It bathed the Moon Talon village in bright ruby and golden copper rays, driving the mist curling around the houses back to the shadows. The bright green fields surrounding the village blushed golden emerald as the sun’s light swept over the swaying grasses. A roaring river cascaded down from the tree covered mountains behind the village. It twisted and turned like a writhing serpent on its course down through the fields and out to the far off sea. Willows bowed over the gushing water, their long vines whipped up by the raging current."

This whole thing is just so descriptive <3

"After what they did[,] the Wisp Talons deserve to have their land taken. I must succeed in this quest." See brackets. Also, I like how this tells us how Zoltar is kind of after vengeance at this point, even if it's not his primary reason.

"Zoltar could see the sparkling, blue ocean in the distance, its frothing waves catching the sun’s golden light as they curled. The thick forest in front of him shone emerald, its leaves dancing in the wind. Birds warbled and chirped from the waving branches and small, silver, winged lizards glided from tree to tree. The waves lapped at the golden beach’s sand bordering the forest as Zoltar flew past. Small fish darted in the shallows, their bright, violet shapes shooting through the water like torpedoes." Again, so descriptive!

When the Shang Fu is encountered, I think some more pronouns would be in order. Shang Fu is simply said too much.

"...surly he could take on these pipsqueaks." Surely.

"...as a wieght landed on his back." Weight.

Again, wonderful job!

Fea




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Wed Feb 22, 2017 2:16 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

Zoltar sped through the maze, narrowly avoiding pillars and clusters of oysters.

Exactly what is this maze made out of and what does it look like on the inside? Pillars and clusters of oysters? I'm having a hard time picturing this.

His instinct was telling him to flee, but he knew that he would have a better chance standing his ground and fighting.

Why? He already established that this is a dragon killer and it's stronger and faster than him and he's alone? Why does he feel he has a chance fighting?

I feel like there's a bit of a gap between where we left off in the previous chapter and where this chapter resumes. So he's allowed to go on this mission - awesome. What does he have to do between getting that okay and actually leaving? I know he's been pouring over maps and things to prepare but what else does he do once he knows it's actually time to go? Does he need any supplies? Does he need to say any goodbyes? What's his plan? He was so nervous about completing missions earlier in the chapter and now he's about to go off on this big mission all on his own? How does he feel about that? If he's not feeling any trepidation, I want to know why and how he's changed so much in such a short period of time? What is his send off like? Does Hisster call all of the dragons together again to send him off or is it more quiet as not not raise attention to the fact that the others haven't come back yet and that's not normal? Make me a bridge here :)

Not all of this would need to come before he leaves, some of it might work nicely as he's starting to fly. While he's flying I would love to know more about his plan. I'm lost in this world. I'm an outsider. Where is he going in relation to where he lives and what obstacles does he know he will face in order to get there? This will help the reader feel like there's a clear path and we're not just traveling for the sake of traveling. Also then, when he reaches the maze it'll make sense that he's going through it because that's part of what he has to do to get to where he's going. How does he know how to navigate the maze? As he's approaching the maze and considering how he feels, what does he expect to encounter in the maze? What's his strategy for getting through it? What's his next step once he does?

My common phrase has been "thoughts thoughts thoughts" and I think you're doing a better job with that! Now my common phrase is going to be "more more more" all around :) Beef it up, slow it down, show us everything. You do a really nice job with small descriptions - describing what that sunset looks like or what that landscape looks like, but don't forget about the big picture. Where are we and where are we going and how does it all fit together so I don't get lost :)

I liked the drama you've created with this new bad creature (although I still think it could be slowed down) and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next! Let me know if you have any questions/etc. you know the drill :p and I'll see you soon! :D




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Sun Feb 12, 2017 6:14 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hi, felistia! It's been quite a few days, but I'm back!

I love the battle scene we have between Zoltar and the Shang Fu. It's intense, and the ending really leaves me wanting more! We're also getting to see more and more of Zoltar and his personality is shining through to the readers. Honestly, I think it's pretty impressive, especially since he's had hardly any other character interactions yet! Just with him alone (of course, there's a few dragons), there's been some big character development steps taken.

I think I may have mentioned this before, but I don't exactly remember so I'm going to bring it up again. Adverbs. Adverbs are great... but not so great. Usually taking them out and replacing them with a stronger verb/phrase is better and can strengthen writing.

Zoltar breathed in the salty air happily as he soared out over the sea.


This is a nice sentence, but either

1) removing "happily" entirely
or
2) replacing it with a stronger verb (eg. Zoltar breathed in the salty air and beamed as he soared out over the sea.)

"Beamed" suggests that Zoltar is in fact happy and makes for a stronger word than "happily" which tends to be an example of a word writers plop in their writing to describe something, when, if fact, it could be described in a different way.

I think what could be helpful, especially in a book like this, is reminding the reader of what some dragons are. Even adding something to a sentence like this:

he realized it was a Shang Fu, another dragon killer, but not as deadly as the Exltron.


about a small description of the Exltron (like a sudden thought from Zoltar of its scales, for example). It's the same in a contemporary book with a lot of characters; if it's been a few chapters without Bob, the writer can trigger the memory in the reader by describing Bob as Angela's brother. Just a thought.

I hope this helped! Gorgeous descriptions in this chapter, by the way! Loved the action.

~EternalRain




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Sun Feb 05, 2017 9:23 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hello, hello. :)

'All this will be gone if I fail this mission and the Shadow Talons will go to war with the Moon Talons,' Zoltar thought, worry gnawing at his stomach. Images of fire and burning villages flashed before his eyes as the ghostly screams of dragons echoed in his ears. 'No. Never again will the Shadow Talons go to war with an innocent tribe. After what they did the Wisp Talons deserve to have their land taken. I must succeed in this quest. There is no other option.'

I really liked this, and it's a big step in making me like Zoltar and understanding his motivations more. He wants to protect innocents, and especially with how difficult the situation is where the Shadow Talons have to take someone else's land to live, I think it works very well. I will say that I'm somewhat confused as to what exactly the Wisp Talons did - I think they sent the Exltron that killed Zoltar's friends, but I'm not quite sure as it's difficult to remember who did what when they did it off-screen and back in a chapter where you were still trying to get names of people/groups straight.

The other main thing I didn't get was why Zoltar decided to go to the Misty Maze anyway. We haven't been told what the items he/they need to find are, and you never actually say if that's what he's doing. And I don't know why else he would fly out there.

He could hear the creature bounding through the water towards him, its tail sweeping through the water, creating massive waves that smacked against the pillars.

I think part of the reason I've taken a while to warm up to Zoltar is because the narration sometimes feels oddly distant from him. I recently learned that sentences like these often help cause that problem - they're called "filter words," and it's basically where you use saw/felt/heard/noticed/realized or other similar words that draw attention to the fact that it is the character experiencing the world, not the reader. We don't usually think to ourselves in real life "I see a chair," we just say "There is a chair." So cutting those sorts of words is a really weirdly simple way to filter the narration more through your character's perspective and make the readers closer to the character. It's really cool and I wish I had learned it earlier - you find it everywhere in your writing once you start looking. There's a good portion about them in this Resources article: Verbs Are The New Adjectives

I really liked the fight scene, and the way you described Zoltar flying through the pillars over the water. I don't quite see why he couldn't have just flown higher, out of their reach, though. Also, I'm starting to think that Zoltar is actually quite confident/brave, he just thinks he isn't. I mean, he didn't exactly win the fight against the Howler Dragons - it sort of stopped abruptly.

About the poison stings - firstly, I'd expect Zoltar to be a lot more wary of them and have not getting stung pretty high priority in his strategy, unless the poison isn't that serious. Secondly, I would have expected him to use his own poison sting before now, or at least during this fight.

I think that's all I've got for this one!




felistia says...


Thank you so much for another review. I find my self staying up at night waiting for them. :D

I've gone and edited the first chapter through to the 5 chapter to make things more clear and to add more reason for Zoltar to do what he does. For example, I'm using the fight with the Howler Dragons to boost his self esteem which is what led to him challenging Hisster.

About his whole revenge thing with the Wisp Talons. The Wisp Talons did kill Scorpus and Mowzan with their spears. I had Zoltar see one Wisp Talon briefly before it vanished again.

On your second note (why is Zoltar even going to the Misty Island) I explain that in the later chapters, but if you'd like a run down please let me know. I was hoping to introduce some questions through that.

Thank you so much for pointing out that how narration thing. It makes so much sense. I'll go back and edit that out right away.

On your last note (Zoltar should be more concerned about being stung) I didn't say he'd been stung yet. Wink, wink. You'll just have to see what happens in the next chapter.

Thanks again for following my story and giving such great impute. It's so rare to have someone actually follow your story from beginning to end and it's great to have someone who does that for you. @Carlitio was another great reviewer that helped a tone. Thank you so much to all of those reviews who stay loyal to a story. It's more than I could hope for. :D



felistia says...


@Carlito. Sorry. Spelled it wrong in the last paragraph above. :D



Mea says...


I'm honestly just really glad you appreciate them - it just makes me want to review even more. :D And it's always more fun following a novel then just randomly jumping in and out. I'll have to go back and read to see what you've edited.

Ah, I see. The one thing about holding off on telling us why he's going is that it's another thing that distances the reader from the main character, and if not done carefully it can feel forced. So just be careful. :P

(And I agree, @Carlito is an amazing reviewer. <3)



felistia says...


Okay I'll try to include some information on why his going, but I can't include too much as it would feel like an info dump.

Please wait a little while before going back and reading what I've done. :D I'm still busy with chapter 6. :D



Carlito says...


You guys <3 <3
I'm coming back to this story so soon!!




The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians