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Thunder and Ice Prologue ~ A Heart of Ice

by felistia


The two full moons were high in the midnight sky with the silver stars glittering and gleaming around them. The distant ice mountains rose over the land like giants. Not a breeze whispered and the land was deathly still.

The two Wind Talon guards standing in front of the queen’s treasury were silent. The moon’s light ran over their metallic blue scales and majestic cobalt wings like molten silver. Zoltarna clutched her spear tightly in her claws as she gazed out over the dark houses. Nothing stirred down there in the blackness, but somehow she felt uneasy.

Zoltarna knew that they were protecting the Wind Talon’s most precious possession. Without it, they’d be at risk from attack by the other tribes, especially the Ice Talons. She gripped her spear harder. Just the thought of those ice spitting dragons made her bristle with anger.

She glanced over at Amara. His eyes kept sweeping over the distant wind swept peaks of the Ice Talon border. She could see that his muscles were tense as he shifted the weight on his back legs and tail. Suddenly, something caught her eye. She jerked her head towards the sky. Had she imagined it? No, there it was again, the distinct shimmer of silver, just visible through the gathering storm clouds. It couldn’t have been a star; it was too large for that. She nudged Amara beside her and pointed to the speck of white in the sky. They both watched it for a minute or two. It was definitely moving. It must be the gleam of dragon scales. An Ice Talon’s scales no less, but what was a lone Ice Talon doing here in the Wind Talon Kingdom with no back up? They both bared their fangs, ready for a possible attack.

Suddenly there was a rush of wings behind them and they had just enough time to whip around, before a wall of ice slammed into their heads.

“Finally,” snarled Veartar as she watched the other two Ice Talons drag the frozen bodies of the Wind Talons away. The stealth attack had worked perfectly. Those stupid Wind Talons hadn’t known what’d hit them. She gazed up into the sky where a third Ice Talon was spiraling into land, his majestic silver wings sparkling in the fading moon light. “Well done Akull. The diversion worked just as planned.” She smiled slyly, showing rows of wickedly sharp teeth.

Akull dipped his head and hissed back, “Just as Her Majesty planned. We should have that Lightning Diamond before the night is up.”

Veartar growled deep inside her throat and lashed her tail angrily. Now the Ice Talons would be able to take the land that should have been theirs. “Follow me,” she growled, turning to stalk up to the locked door of the Wind Talon treasury. A heavy silver chain was wrapped around the doors with a lock to secure them.

Snorting in amusement at this pathetic attempt to keep out enemies, Veartar spat a burst of frost breathe over the chains. The metal shimmered for a second before growing long tendrils of ice. Veartar stepped back and watched as one of the Ice Talons brought down his spiked tail on the chains. The metal instantly shattered into millions of tiny shards.

Akull stepped forward and opened the great doors. They creaked softly on their hinges before revealing a giant room filled with gold, silver and many precious gemstones. Veartar stalked in, passing by the metal nuggets and stones and up to a porcelain pedestal in the center of the room. On top of the stand, perched in a glass case, was a shimmering cobalt diamond. Storm clouds of blue seemed to swirl through the stone's core and lightning flashed across its surface.

For a moment, Veartar stood mesmerized by the gem. One of the Ice Talons outside coughed softly and Veartar came out of her trance. She twisted her head to glare at the dragon who’d made the noise. He smiled sheepishly.

Veartar rolled her eyes and turned back to the Lightning Diamond. She extended her paw and gently placed her claws against the diamond’s casing. She then rotated her paw, slicing through the thick glass and creating a small circular hole. It was just big enough to reach in and pluck the diamond from its cushion. A vain of electricity shot through Veartar’s talons, crackling along the length of her body. She shivered, enjoying the feeling as she placed her stolen treasure into the satchel she was wearing.

With the Lightning Diamond now in her bag, Veartar quickly padded out of the dark room. Storm clouds where now rolling in from the east. Lightning flashed out from the raging mass and thunder could be heard rumbling across the land. Dawn was slowly creeping over the sky as the moons sank behind the far off mountains. The last of the stars where fading. They had to leave before morning came.

She galloped off the edge of the stairs leading up to the treasury and spread her ice blue wings. Akull and the two other Ice Talons closely followed, angling towards the east where the Ice Kingdom lay. Soon the last of their silver scales where consumed by the growling storm clouds along with any hope of catching them or the Lightning Diamond.


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Mon Oct 03, 2016 3:03 pm
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Megrim wrote a review...



Hello! Here to review as requested. Let's get started! Neat banner up top, by the way.

I like this introduction to the story! We've got conflict and stakes established quickly, a sense of who and what we're dealing with, and neat dragon-esque characters. I assume since this is a prologue that none of these characters are the main characters, and the actual story starts with/after the disappearance of this lightning diamond, which works really well. I can see how this is going to disrupt everything, and set up good conflit for the story proper.

The one thing I would recommend is reducing the amount of telling/exposition at the beginning. For instance, this kind of thing...

The Ice Talons had been trying to steal their source of power for years now. Battle after battle had been fought and now the Ice Talons were the Wind Talons sworn enemies. They’d never won the battles though. Every single Wind Talon in the kingdom was worried that the Ice Talons where going to try a new tactic. There hadn’t been a battle for the last six months when they normally where every month.


You're already well set up to "show" these things, in the guards' nerves, body language, and thoughts (eg when she grips the spear harder, that sort of thing). Try doing more implying, let the reader read between the lines. We can infer this ongoing conflict with the Ice Talons simply by how she's on alert for an Ice Talon attack. It's obvious that they're enemies by the events in this prologue. It's clear what the Ice Talons want by the fact that they take the lightning diamond, and we can assume it has great importance based on how they're guarding it. So stuff like that--less telling, more showing (which you're already doing--just trust the showing you already have).

Oh and one other thing is that I wasn't entirely sure what to picture. With the mention of her holding a spear, I wondered if these were bipedal dragon-LIKE creatures, or full on dragons proper. Do they walk on two legs or four legs? I don't need a big description, but maybe one hint somewhere would be helpful.

See you in the next one!




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. I will defiantly take your advice. As for the bit about the spear, I defiantly agree. I was imagining that the dragons would be up right and balancing on their tails. Have you watched how to train your dragon 1. The part where Toothless sat up on his hind legs and kind of balanced using his tail. That was what I imagined my dragons to look like. For the most part they walk on four legs.

Anyway thanks again and I hope you have a great day\night. :D



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Thu Aug 04, 2016 10:48 am
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Laurenh6 wrote a review...



Hey there! :D Basically, I'm going to read through and lost my observations of this piece and then I'll share it with you :) - hope I can help :D

To start with, your imagery in the first paragraph is amazing! Really sets the scene as soon as we read the first sentence. Lots of adjectives and alliteration, similes! It's just great and you should definitely never change this :D ...

..One slight thing however, I feel like you use "The" to start a lot of your sentences - especially 1st 2nd paragraphs .. So switch it up a bit maybe :) .. In fact, in the first paragraph you could change the sentence about Giants (simile) to...

"Distant mountains rose over the land like giants" - you don't need the "The" :D

Next I'd like to say, in paragraph 4 you've written..

"Every single Wind Talon in the kingdom was worried that the Ice Talons where going to try a new tactic."

AND


"There hadn’t been a battle for the last six months when they normally where every month. All the more reason to be alert to any sign of danger"
.
You've said "where" twice - instead of "were" - probably should change that :P

I must say I really like how you talk about the history etc in paragraphs 3 and 4 - really gives the reader an idea of what's going on :) .. My only issue is, in Paragraph 5 you jump very suddenly back to the previous scene, saying that something strange is going on.. I feel like this is almost too sudden. Although I love the paragraph you've written (5) you need to bring us back to that setting if that makes sense? It'll make the story flow better rather than too sudden jumps from idea to idea - if you get me ? :P So what I'd suggest is maybe, add and extra paragraph in before para 5 - reminding us of the current scene , how the characters are feeling etc .. Just so it's not too jumpy :P :)

But yeah I loveee para 5! All the description.. You're very good at description! Actually, I really love ..

"Spiralling into land" and "vain of electricity" phrases - but I must add .. It should be "vein" not "vain" xD

Also I was intrigued when you said "she extended her paw" - they have paws? Dragons xD ? I always associate that to like a bear paw / footxD .. Unless that's just me :P

Oh yeah! Your diamond description was beautiful by the way! Really made it seem amazing and special , and worth stealing xD .

My biggest criticism with this is your speech. All your speech should begin on a new line!!! That's a punctuation law and you haven't applied it to this :P ! You really should do that :P

But other than that, I love the plot and the effort you've put in . Love the picture at the top too :) .. The story definitely has potential.. Usually I'm not really into these sorta plot lines but actually I've really enjoyed reading yours - and of course will be reading more :D :P

Hope I could help :)


Lauren :)




felistia says...


Thank you so much for the review. I'll go back and fix the mistakes right away. I completely agree with you about the transition between paragraph 4 and 5 being a bit sudden. Just one question. Did any of the paragraphs feel like an info dump to you?

Anyway thanks for the review and let me know when your next chapter is out. :D
Have a great day\night. :D



Laurenh6 says...


No I didn't feel like it was an info dump, I thought it was good how it was :) ! And no worries !



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Sun Jul 31, 2016 6:17 pm
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hi, felistia! Mage here to do the promised review! So let's get to it, shall we?

I loved this story! Not only do I love that it's all about dragons, but I love your writing style. It keeps the reader interested, and it flows nicely. Also, you do an awesome job with describing the scenes portrayed in this prologue. The suggestions I have for this are all minor things. As of right now, your writing doesn't have any general flaws. So nice job there!

The two Wind Talon guards standing in front of the queen’s treasury where silent.


"Where" should be "were".

Without it they’d be at risk from attack by the other tribes, especially the Ice Talons.


There should be a comma after "it".

The Ice Talons had been trying to steal their source of power for years now. Battle after battle had been fought and now the Ice Talons where the Wind Talons sworn enemies.


"Where" should be "were".

Suddenly something caught the eye of one of the guards. He jerked his head towards the sky. Had he imagined it? No there it was again, the distinct shimmer of silver, just visible through the gathering storm clouds.


There should be a comma after "suddenly" and "no".

She smiled slyly, showing rows of wickedly sharp teeth.


I don't have any problem with this. I just really like this sentence. :D

“Just as her majesty planned. We should have that Lightning Diamond before the night is up.”


The "h" in "her" and the "m" in "majesty" should be capitalized because it's a title.

I'm really interested to see what you have in store for this book. I'm especially interested in how the Lightning Diamond will be utilized by the Ice Talons. Keep up the spectacular work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! :D




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Sun Jul 31, 2016 2:18 am
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cleverclogs wrote a review...



Hey there, and happy Review Day! clogs here to review!

Dragons! Sounds pretty interesting.

I'm never really a fan of pictures being in literary works (or on book covers, if it involves settings and characters) because I feel like it tells the reader what to envision. I could've had a totally different mental image of the setting and the characters, but the picture put an image in my mind for me. I'd recommend taking it out and letting readers figure things out for themselves.

I agree with the previous review that you should probably check through for grammar mistakes, because there were definitely a few. I think you'll be able to manage that just fine on your own, though. Although one tip that I like is that you can start from the end and work backwards looking for mistakes, because it makes you look at it a bit differently.

The first two paragraphs are a bit too describe-y, if you understand my meaning. It just got to be a bit much, in my opinion. I'd rather you start with the characters and work from there. I liked when you told how they were clutching spears in their claws because oooh! What are the spears for? But the description of the wings and the setting, lovely though they were, just are kind of awkward. It's like you started by describing the setting, then the characters, then what the characters were doing, then you finally got into the characters' thoughts. I tend to do the same thing,

You also might want to watch your sentence structure when writing descriptive paragraphs, as they tended to end up sounding like "The [noun] [verbed].

The third and fourth paragraphs are a bit info-dumpy to me. I'm terrible at fitting in info-dumpy information into other places in the story, so I'm not entirely sure what to recommend. Just know that it's pretty info-dumpy- I want to know about what the guards are doing, and now you've taken this interlude into the backstory!

Something else I didn't like: The guards just kind of seem like one collective entity. It's always a "they". Aren't they individuals? I get the feeling they're not meant to be much more than cardboard cut-outs (unless the reappear later), but they're still not a homogeneous mass!

I really like the description of the attack in the last paragraph before the "...". It was really nicely done.

I liked the second half better than the first, mainly because individual characters were involved. There's not a whole lot to say about their characterization yet, as they've only been introduced for about 5 seconds, but at this point, Veartar definitely seems very menacing! And Akull seems like a lovely loyal underling for her. Also, he has a really cool name.

I almost feel like the first half is a little redundant. It's mostly for setup, while the second half is more plot-oriented. Maybe there's a better way to balance this between the two.

So you seem to talk about dragons smiling a lot. Is that possible for dragons? Is is physically possible? For the most part, you've done a nice job with keeping up the dragon body language, (I especially liked the touch with the frost breath) but this just really throws me off. If you've ever read the Warriors series by Erin Hunter, then that's a stellar example of non-human body language, albeit with cats, not dragons.

Also: Do they have opposable thumbs? Veartar was able to pick up the diamond with her paw! Which leads me to another question: Are they called paws on dragons?

This prologue does a good job of making the reader interested in reading on. It sets up a lot of mysteries: What's the origin of the feud? Why is the diamond so important? Why is the title "Thunder and Ice" when the main two factions are Ice and Wind? Will a Thunder something-or-other be introduced? It definitely does its job as a prologue, so good job!

I hope this review helped! Keep on writing! :D




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Wed Jul 27, 2016 4:00 am
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intrastellars wrote a review...



Hi felistia, this prologue sets up for what I believe will be a great story! Your descriptions are well-written, and the start of your conflict is already unfolding. I can already tell that Veartar is a badass character, which is definitely a win. There are a few grammar mistakes (ex. mixing up of the homonyms 'where' and 'were'), but overall really good writing! I can see this series having a lot of potential!




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. I'm glad to hear that you liked it. I'll go back through and look for the grammar mistakes.
Would you like me to let you know when the next chapter it out?

p.s please hit the like button. :D





Yeah sure, I'd like to be updated! And no problem!



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Mon Jul 25, 2016 10:10 am
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Ourcheers2u says...



I love the figurative language that you used here! You were very descriptive and it sucked me into the writing immediately. It was as if I was there with the characters, watching everything happen! Keep up the good work, it's very exciting to read your writing!!

My favorite part was when you mentioned electricity shooting through Veartar's talons! It was as of I felt it running through my own hands! Your ability to be so descriptive makes me jealous! I don't think you'll have trouble grabbing your readers with each chapter.




felistia says...


Thank you for your opinion. I'm glad to hear that you liked it. :D
Would you like me to let you know when the next chapter it out?

P.s Could you please hit the like button. :D



Ourcheers2u says...


You are very welcome, and I would love to know when the next chapter is out! This has rekindled my love for fantasy, so I will read this religiously.

p.s. I'm sorry for forgetting to hit the like button. But no worries, that's all taken care of now!%uD83D%uDE04




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