Zoltar awoke to the whispery touch of a cold winter wind on his back. Opening his eyes, he slowly blinked in the dim light of the rising sun. Streams of vivid fire red streaked across the orchid purple sky, the glittering sunlight sparkling off the thin coat of snow covering the ground. The pine tree Zoltar was sleeping under was covered in a fresh layer of frost and tiny icicle spears dangled from the pine needles.
Zoltar took a deep breath of the fresh morning air, letting it fill his lungs and clear out the night’s aches and pains. The gentle snores from Emerald and the heavy grunts from Shiraku drowned out the distant cracking of ice. He remembered have a strange dream last night, something about Felistia and her tail. Shrugging off the stray thought he slowly stretched his limbs trying to get the cramp out of his right back leg. A spike of sharp pain shot up his leg and into his spine, making him cringe in discomfort.
‘Oh, now I remember,’ Zoltar thought, gritting his teeth as he waited for the burst of pain to pass. The images of last night came flooding back to him and he instinctively shot a quick glance at Felistia. She was still curled up in the same ball of silver scales she’d been in last night. Her tail was lied out over the snow covered grass like a poisonous snake waiting to strike, her tail spikes still stained with specks dark blood.
A thin shiver ran down Zoltar’s spine. Last night he’d gotten over his dream and had been prepared to go with her to the ice kingdom, but now he wasn’t so sure he wanted to go with her anymore. He’d been nervous enough before she’d struck him, but now he felt a bit like a rabbit being hunted be a venomous viper, never knowing when she might lash out again.
‘Stop it!’ he yelled in his head, ‘she is a dragon. I mean come on she is covered in spikes and barbs from head to tail, accidents are going to happen.’
Zoltar looked over at Felistia again, her paws were wrapped over her snout like she was hiding from something and her legs were curled in close to her body.
‘Come on, she doesn’t even know that she hurt you. The least you could do is give her another chance.’
Sighing, Zoltar painfully walked over to the ice dragon, carefully avoiding her deadly tail as he treaded through the talon deep snow.
Swallowing the growing lump in his throat, he cautiously stroked her head, trying to wake her up without startling her.
As his paw touched her shimmering scales, Felistia breathed a deep sigh and stretched, splaying her talons like a leopard, causing Zoltar to recoil in alarm. Once he realized that she hadn’t lashed out, he gently inched back towards her.
Her eyelids were slowly fluttering open, revealing her glittering snake-like pupils as they swam into focus.
“Zoltar?” she murmured sleepily as she rubbed her snout, “What are you doing? Where am I and what happened to the pri…?” She trailed off as a flash of realization brushed over her face. Blinking, she stared back up at Zoltar, who was busy trying to figure out what she had been about to say.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Felistia asked, wrinkling her snout as she sat up. Her eyes caught on the twisted gash streaked across Zoltar’s back leg and she let out a horrified gasp, “What happen to your leg? Who did this?” she snarled, her eyes glowing with rage, “Tell me and I will rip their wings off.”
“Felistia,” Zoltar intersected calmly, “You…did it.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello again! And it's review day now, so happy review day!
This is a very short chapter, and the previous chapter was a very short chapter, so I think you should combine them. You're dealing with very similar events here and you're building up suspense and I think you'll be served well combining them.
Once again. He's waking up.
You don't need this. You had a lot of great suspense building at the end of the last chapter and you want to keep this momentum going. To me, him going to sleep and then us seeing him wake up....again...breaks that. I want to stay in that moment with him with his thought and his feelings as he tries to decide what his next move is and what he's going to do next. How would he ever have fallen asleep after everything that happened in the last couple of chapters? You also end up re-stating a lot of stuff we already know and it breaks the suspense because it's not anything new.
So where you leave off in the last chapter, I would move right into:
Obviously you'll have to tweak this a bit because he's no longer thinking about his dream the night before. Dig deep into his thoughts, worries, and his plan going forward but be careful that you don't start to get too repetitive. If anything has changed now that Felistia has unconsciously attacked him, dig into that. If he's still ruminating on the same types of thoughts he had before that (all those other places I thought you could dig into the thoughts a little more) then there's no sense repeating them because it'll get repetitive and break the suspense.
Another chance? Another chance at what? When did she lose a chance?
Why try to wake her? Why not let her wake up on her own? Walk me through his thought process here a bit.
"once she realized that she hadn't lashed out" doesn't do much for me. Obviously she didn't lash out. We just saw that she didn't lash out. I think what he's more concerned about here is that she's not going to attack him again or that she means no harm/isn't dangerous. So I would try to reflect that a bit more. "He realized she wasn't a threat and gently inched back towards her" or something like that.
Ooooh, is this going to have something to do with what she was just dreaming about?
Looooove the drama and the simplicity of this. Very well done. Really amps up the intensity!!
Looking forward to reading on! Let me know if you have any questions/if anything was confusing!
A short review from me today.
So far I think that your story is developing fantastically and you have me constantly impatient for the next chapter. I found this chapter reads particular well and is well polished too.
My main comment for this chapter is that why Zoltar goes to wake Felistia is confusing, because the motive is unclear. Why does he not wait until everyone wakes up? Perhaps he is too impatient?
“I mean come on she is covered in spikes
Come on, she doesn’t even know”
I would suggest getting rid of the second “come on”
I like how you have described the dragon’s actions in this chapter, words like gritting, intersected and wrinkling her snout. Furthermore you keep us in the scene you have described at the beginning by noting the snow as Zoltar wades though it. As LadyBug said your story logic is also top notch.
Looking forward to finding out what is bothering Felistia.
- FeatherPen
Hiya, greetings, and hello felistia! Holographic Ladybug is here for a review!
~Nit-Picks~
Did you mean 'from the pine needles[/I]'?
Of Shiraku's sounds a little weird. How about from Shiraku?
I think that you meant laid out?
He'd been?
You probably mean snake-like pupils.
~Other Bits~
Rrraaawwrrrrr. Nothing.
(That means good job
~Good Bits~
Short chapter, so there isn't a lot to say, but I'll try to ramble on about everything you did well for as long as I can
For this chapter, I think that it would require quite a bit of emotion--especially something like shock--from Zoltar, so that was one of the things I looked for during my re-readings. I am pleased to report that you've nailed it. (Cue applause) Zoltar's thoughts alone could portray his emotions pretty well and get the emotions across. To add that all up, you've added some body language as well as description to it, giving it an extra boost. From where I stand (well, I'm actually sitting), you've gotten emotions on Zoltar's side very well and I cannot see anything wrong with it.
I also find that a single detail that you used in here made a pretty big difference and it's pretty great that you put it in there. The blood spots on Felistia's tail was an excellent addition to this. You're not neglecting previous events this way and it's not a logic flaw at all.
Well, that's it for my review! Great work again and continue on writing!
From the ladybug who just happens to be a hologram,
~Holographic Ladybug
.P.S. I'm surprised I haven't told you earlier, but I love your avatar. It's pretty intense-looking and reminds me of something from the Inheritance Cycle. Have you ever read those books? They're some of my favorite.
.P.P.S Congrats again on being the Feature Member!
Thank you for the review. Sorry about the late reply, I didn't get the notification.
P.S I haven't read the books, but maybe I'll have a look.