Published October 27, 2015
“You're on time, surprisingly,” Hisster noted coldly as Zoltar walked into the throne room the next morning.
“Yes sir,” Zoltar mumbled sleepily. Last night had been terrible. Dreams of black beasts with burning red eyes had haunted him the whole night, the echo's of it's blood curdling roar and Scorpus's screams still clouding his mind.
“Oh, for goodness sake stand up straight, Zoltar! Stop slouching, and for suffering serpents sake, stop yawning. Honestly, how long is it going to take you to start acting like a proper soldier,” Hisster roared, lashing his poisonous tail as he stormed out the room.
“Depends,” Zoltar murmured again with a note of sarcasm. He slowly followed Hisster up the tunnel, his wings drooping sadly and his tail trailing limply behind him like a dead snake.
The sun hit them full in the face as they left the darkness of the tunnels, but Zoltar didn’t even flinch. It felt like he was floating through nothingness and there was no end in sight.
Hisster opened his wings so that they billowed like the clouds of dark ash streaming from the volcano behind them. He looked back at Zoltar and another look of disapproval flashed across his face. Muttering to himself he lifted into the air, his wings tossing up clouds of dust.
Zoltar unfurled his wings and leapt into the air. The sun was a burning scarlet behind the black ash and smoke choking the sky. The wind tossed painful red sparks and smouldering hot embers against Zoltar scales, but he didn’t care if they burnt him. Life was dead to him and everything around him just felt numb.
After about an hour of flying through harsh plumes of chest burning ash they finely reached the forbidden hills. The land below them was bare with only the skeleton like remains of once lush spring green trees. Not a breath of wind was in the air and thick black ash choked the burnt earth. There wasn't a green bush or tree for as far as the eye could see. What had happened here and how could the howler dragons live here. What did they eat in this barren wasteland. Zoltar swallowed the lump building in his throat. Something was not right here.
Zoltar took in a deep lungful the air, searching for sighs of danger. He regretted it immediately as he was sent into a loud coughing fit as harsh ash and bitter smoke filled his lungs. Fighting to stop coughing, he slapped a paw over his snout, hoping it would muffle the sound.
Hisster shot him a for-crying-out-loud-be-quiet look. Zoltar nodded and continued to scan the ground below. A rabbit warren of gapping holes littered the vast land and thick yellow smoke streamed from dark entrances. The only sound was a faint rumbling echoing from below Zoltar, making his scales tingle with nerves. Every minute seemed to last for an eternity and the feeling of small ants creeping over his scales crossed over him, causing to him to shiver in fear. He wanted to get out of this silent desert and away from the evil feeling pulsing from the ground below.
Suddenly a blood-curdling howl filled the air around them. In fright Zoltar missed a wing beat and faltered in the air for a few seconds before righting himself.
“What was that?” Zoltar asked in panic, his heart pounding like a drum. It sounded too similar to the Exltron’s awful roars.
“That’s the howler dragons. We are close,” Hisster replied coldly, who didn’t seem to be rattled by the unearthly calls at all.
Suddenly, Hisster tucked his wings and swooped into a dive much like a peregrine falcon. Zoltar folded his wings and plunged down after Hisster. The wind battered his face and pulled at his wings as if telling him to turn back as the black earth rush towards him. At the last second Hisster and Zoltar snapped open their wings and landed gently on the ground.
The earth was soft with soot under Zoltar’s paws as he followed Hisster up a deserted hill. His nerves on edge, Zoltar strained his ears to hear anything other than the sound of his own footsteps. Nothing, just cold, dead silence met his ears. He cringed, realizing the rumbling had stopped. Zoltar flexed his claws, ready to fight if he had to.
When they had neared to top of the slope a strange whooshing sound swept over the top like the sound of small wings flapping. Hisster carried on over the peak unconcerned. There was a shout and a loud thwack. Zoltar stiffened, looking around and only just had enough time to see a huge black dragon leap over the hill before it smacked him over the head with its hard tail. Everything went black.
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139,319 Literary Works • 672,529 Reviews
Hello again!
(This is going to be a short review.)
I didn't enjoy this chapter quite as much as the other two so far. To me, it felt like a filler chapter and I think filler chapters are boring. All that happened in this chapter was that Zoltar and Hisster traveled to the howler dragons. I mean, you have the cool cliff hanger at the end, but other than that their journey is pretty non-eventful. My gut is telling me you don't need this chapter in the grand scheme of things.
The benefit of having a chapter like this that's a little slower-paced is that it does give the reader a chance to breathe in-between all of the exciting stuff. It also helps the reader get a better picture of the world.
I think you have two options.
1. Keep it in. If you do, I would recommend condensing it and getting to the point (the howler dragons) sooner. I would also combine it with at least one more scene about what comes next just because it's so short. I so understand the desire to end on a really exciting note, but I don't think you need it. You're already gripping the reader with your writing and the overall plot here. But if you keep it, it's going to need more meat to it and I think you'll need to combine it with another scene.
2. Take it out. If you do, the next chapter will need to begin with a brief paragraph highlighting the fact that they are now in a new place and roughly how long it took them to get there. OR you could start with Zoltar waking up confused or something and then remembering oh I went on this short journey with Hisster and I think I was kidnapped or taken or something by these howler dragons - I wonder what will happen to me now (only obviously way more eloquent than that).
There's no right or wrong answer here. It's your story and you have a broader frame of the story than I do (as I'm only on chapter 3 and it's not my world :p). So do what you think is best for the story and let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! (And if you would like me to go back and get more specific I would be happy to do so!) See you in the next chapter!
Thanks for another great review I will be sure to make a few adjustments.
I love it! great cliffhanger too... I can't wait to read the next chapter.
Your descriptions are pretty amazing. you managed to describe all the action and draw the reader right into the scene, Good job!
Okay now about the dialogue,
Your dialogue is pretty good too. Here are a few small places where I found it a little confusing;
“Oh, for goodness sake stand up straight, Zoltar! Stop slouching, and for suffering serpents sake, stop yawning. Honestly how long is it going to take before you take being a soldier seriously,” Hisster roared, lashing his poisonous tail as he stormed out the room.
Wow, I just pictured Hisser as a stern, commander. I really like the way you use dialogue to show the qualities of the characters. The start was good but I got a little confused about the soldier thingy. I felt as if 'take' was being repeated too close.
You can write it like, 'Honestly how long is it going to take you to start acting like a proper soldier.' or something like that. (just a thought)
And after that Zoltar replies,
“Yes sir,” Zoltar murmured again. He slowly followed Hisster up the tunnel, his wings drooping sadly and his tail trailing limply behind him like a dead snake.
'Yes sir," doesn't seem like an appropriate answer; Hisser was more like asking a question, and Zoltar simply says yes. just take a look at it.
Next, you didn't mention anything about Scrorpus; I know I said this before, but since Zoltar and Scorpus had a tight bond and Hisser's being really strict and all, won't Zoltar feel sad about the death of his old mentor? I don't know whether it's necessary, but I do feel like you can add more emotions, especially on Zoltar. How does he feel about this? They are going on a dangerous journey..
Okay, that's about it. Now I'm super thrilled to read the next chapter.
I really like all your characters and this amazing story!
Good luck and keep writing!!!
Your friend,
writer12345
I love it! great cliffhanger too... I can't wait to read the next chapter.
Your descriptions are pretty amazing. you managed to describe all the action and draw the reader right into the scene, Good job!
Okay now about the dialogue,
Your dialogue is pretty good too. Here are a few small places where I found it a little confusing;
“Oh, for goodness sake stand up straight, Zoltar! Stop slouching, and for suffering serpents sake, stop yawning. Honestly how long is it going to take before you take being a soldier seriously,” Hisster roared, lashing his poisonous tail as he stormed out the room.
Wow, I just pictured Hisser as a stern, commander. I really like the way you use dialogue to show the qualities of the characters. The start was good but I got a little confused about the soldier thingy. I felt as if 'take' was being repeated too close.
You can write it like, 'Honestly how long is it going to take you to start acting like a proper soldier.' or something like that. (just a thought)
And after that Zoltar replies,
“Yes sir,” Zoltar murmured again. He slowly followed Hisster up the tunnel, his wings drooping sadly and his tail trailing limply behind him like a dead snake.
'Yes sir," doesn't seem like an appropriate answer; Hisser was more like asking a question, and Zoltar simply says yes. just take a look at it.
Next, you didn't mention anything about Scorpus; I know I said this before, but since Zoltar and Scorpus had a tight bond and Hisser's being really strict and all, won't Zoltar feel sad about the death of his old mentor? I don't know whether it's necessary, but I do feel like you can add more emotions, especially on Zoltar. How does he feel about this? They are going on a dangerous journey..
Okay, that's about it. Now I'm super thrilled to read the next chapter.
I really like all your characters and this amazing story!
Good luck and keep writing!!!
Your friend,
writer12345
Thanks for another great review. I will be sure to fix the problems.
OH, I just realized that I've written 'Scorch' instead of 'Scorpus'
I'm so sorry, I corrected that.
Hello felistia, here I am continuing my progression with your novel by chapter 3. This is a shorter chapter, so I just wanted to let you know that naturally, you can expect me to have a much shorter review.(and obviously I don't want to repeat what the others have said before.)
Anyways, let's get into this, shall we?
I think that a lot of worldbuilding could be done here, I mean think about it, Zoltar is entering a new and forbidden land that he knows little to nothing about, and keep in mind that the readers also know little to nothing about it. You've proven to me that you can write strong descriptions, so here is your place to make this shine out a little bit.
You don't really want to make this seems like amateur fantasy,so you need to really consider the geography and ecology in your world, it's actually essential to having your novel succeed at all. You want to determine the biomes and animals that are living there(visible or invisible). You can describe what other animals are present by using Zoltar's sense of sight, and that way enhancing your story and the understanding of it. Here is a comprehensive guide that was extremely well-written and I'm sure it could help you out a lot.
This is basically repeating the same thing. Cut it out to make it look better.
I guess that I just don't understand how this relate to one another, I mean when did dying red embers represent liveliness to him? If you have decided to put these two in order next to eachother, I would at least try and make sure that they make sense that way.
This is a perfect example of your show not tell, in my opinion. The one in blue is obviously more showing of Zoltar acting in a depressed manner, but the other one is simply stating it. I think that you have to work on balancing it out with show and tell, but in this situation that first sentence can go because the repetition isn't necessary that much.
I basically feel like you portrayed Zoltar very distracted here, which may have kind of led to his down-fall a little bit. He knows that he's going to the forbidden lands, and yet he still decides to kind of zone-out of reality to pass the time. I just kind of felt like that line wasn't really necessary to his thought process, because instead of thinking of the possible dangers, Zoltar is used wondering and pondering a environmental status. Worldbuilding is more like observing, not wondering or pondering, if you know what I mean.
I do have to agree with Lightsong about that you need to make the relationship between Zoltar and Hisster more dynamic and less mundane, the reason being because this quickly gets boring after two chapters of reading it(at least it seems like that to me personally.) I think that a big part in this, is that I noticed that Hisster is something that I call: "The Emperor of Evil" except in a lesser degree. He thinks that he rules the whole world, and he will torture the lower people just for the sake of them. That's annoying, because I would want to have some memorable quirks, interesting scenes, or hidden motives (even if that means that we find them out later on in the story.) Here is an article that explains all of this in detail.
This is a pretty weak cliffhanger in my opinion, because it seems like it's been overused tons and tons of times. That unconscious scene is in most action/fantasy that I personally know honestly. I was looking for something a little bit more dramatic than simply this, if you see what I mean.
I noticed that this is labeled under the category of fanfiction and I was wondering: "where does this fanfic come from?" I think that it's essential if the reader understand and knows this, so that the context can apply much more. You could have put that in your A/N (author note) at the beginning or whatever so that I could have more of an idea.
That's all the notes that I actually have for this chapter, see you in the next one!
~P.S.
Thank you for the review. I will fix and edit it as soon as possible. The only reason that it is a fanfiction is that is has similar traits to the Wings of Fire series. But it is an extremely loose fanfiction. I had it made a fanfiction because of pure demand. It used to be fantasy and action\adventure.
Hey, I'm back! Since this chapter is short, I'm going to go through technical stuff mostly.
Suggestions:
"Zoltar walking" should be "Zoltar walked", as I always assume one uses "Zoltar walking" when one is combining sentences, like "Zoltar walking to the cave angers Hisster".
This is an example of sentences missing commas. A comma after "Oh", comma after "straight" so that reader doesn't assume you're saying Zoltar is straight, and a comma after "slouching" so that reader won't assume Hisster is telling Zoltar to suffer serpents (I understand this is some kind of curse in dragon's language). Look again for sentences like this. I'm not going to find each one of them - too lazy. :p
"Wings" instead of "wing". You don't mean to say they fly with one wing, do you?
"blood-curdling" instead of "blood-curdling". I'd recommend a comma after "Suddenly", but the lack of it keeps the beat going, so it's good.
Ask he was asking, a question mark is needed at the end of the dialogue.
This two paragraphs can be merged into one. An optional comma after "At the last". You can see whether the sentence needs comma if the beginning part can be put at the back. Here, it would be: "... on the ground at the last second", which means it needs a comma if put at the front.
These can be merged into one too. "its hard tail" instead of "it's tail".[/quote]
Now, to the story.
Man, that is short. I would want more descriptions of this howler dragons lands. Since you've made a good job to describe Zoltar's homeland, I expect you can do this one a good job too, rather than just saying the land is black as night and charred as crisp. You have more imagination than that; paint us an intriguing landscape.
I also like the suspense in the end. It breaks the monotonous pacing the plot is having right now, and also raises some questions: Hisster going to the howler dragons means he trusts them, and the one attacking Zoltar seems to be one of them, so why does it attack Zoltar? Is it just a cautious move to incapacitated potential threats? Hmm, this is a good cliffhanger, and would do to make reader reads more.
Since this chapter is short, that is all I can say. Hisster continues to give ill-treatment to Zoltar, and Zoltar continues to despise him/doesn't care. I hope to see a change in their relationship, or else it's not exciting to read.
Thank you for the review. Sorry for taking so long to reply. I have fixed everything.
Hey! So I'm back for another review! I'll be reviewing this as I read, so my opinion of the whole chapter will be at the end...
Just first off
The Your should be a You're.
The "for that" could probably be knocked off the end of the sentence and make it flow better, but it's a minor detail.
The simile used to describe Hisster's wings unfurling is fantastic, but I feel like you've got a little too many similes in the paragraphs before and in this one. I feel like one of them should be deleted so it isn't so heavy on similes. It could be any of them, not necessarily this simile since it's done so well. I also really liked the simile of Zoltar's tail floating behind him like a dead snake. It really illustrated his feelings well.
Also flash should be flashed.
I think it needs an "of" after sound, but besides that, the part quoted above is awesome! I love how you wrote it! The descriptions are vivid and you've worded everything very well.
Meet should be met.
And that's that for criticism! I really like this chapter. It was just the right length and ended on a cliffhanger. I loved seeing more of your writing and as usual, your description skills are astounding! Keep up the good work!
Thank you very much for the review. I will fix the problems right away.
Hello, here for another review! I'll just jump right in.
Since "suffering serpents" is a sort of cuss word, it interrupts the sentence. I would put commas in place so that there is more emphasis on it, making it read "Stop slouching and suffering serpents, stop yawning!"
Make sure when you describe things that you stick within the fantasy realm. Do peregrine falcons exist in this world, in a prominent amount that your main character would have seen them often enough to compare Hisster's movements? This is a bit nit-picky but it keeps the reader immersed in your realm of reality if you stay consistent. If you do include peregrine falcons, then there's no issue with this, just ignore me.
Overall:
Why did the black dragon use a club? Dragons have huge tails and sharp claws and teeth, and many other weapons available to them, so it just kind of threw me off that he used a club. That's just me however, so feel free to ignore.
You used some pretty great imagery, so good job with that.
Another nice chapter!
Hope this helps.
Sorry for taking so long to reply. Thank you for the review and I have fix the problems.
Hello again, felistia!
I'm glad to see yet another great chapter! I like how each chapter isn't really dragging on (I have a problem with that in my novels) you just keep the plot moving right along! Great job with that. Now, ON WITH THE REVIEW!
I'm a little confused - did you purposely put everything in italics? (may have just been a computer thing though) The italics are not needed for the entire thing here.
If Zoltar is thinking to himself, I think you should change it to single quotations
is that what they are called...? xDand in italics like this : 'I wonder how the...........'It may just be me, but I don't imagine a dragon wielding a club.
Other than that, this was great! I love it!
~Snazzy, Pencil, Penicillin, etc.
Stay awesome!
Thank you for the review and the punctuation and italics were taken care of.
The descriptions of Zoltar are fantastic, I picture a very woeful dragon greatly affected by death of his mentor, which is much improved on the first 1st chapter. You have done a great job of showing and not telling.
I try to put one thing that can be improved into each review and I can’t find anything, it is a really good chapter. Digging really deep
‘Hisster tucked his wings and swooped into a dive much like a peregrine falcon only more powerful.’ I think this comparison would make a stronger statement with out the ‘only more powerful’ tagged on to the end.
Like wise ‘Zoltar’s nerves were on edge and he strained his ears to hear anything other than the sound of his own footsteps.’ Would be slightly more dramatic as; ‘With His nerves on edge, Zoltar strained his ears to hear anything other than the sound of his own footsteps.’
I like that you have kept your chapters short as it makes them very easy to review. Additionally the fill in between the prologue and the first chapter I think is working well.
By the way, Slow Down! You have nearly passed me in number of reviews! (Just kidding) Its great to see you like it here.
thank you for your review, it is very helpful. I have changed the sentences and it looks much better.