z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Thunder and Ice Chapter 4 ~ Malanka's Training

by felistia


Malanka stared at the rows of glinting weapons and armour. What was she to choose? They all looked equally dangerous and would have been fine to have in a real battle. She finally picked up one of the long wing blades and tentatively clipped the curved blade along her wing. She flexed her wing in and out to see how the weapon felt. It was definitely heavier, but the way the weapon seemed to move with her felt wonderful. It was like it had become one with her. She strapped on another one and tried it out. Again it just seemed to become a part of her, the cold steel of the spiked blade glinting the midday sun.

“So, how do you like them?” Songa asked from a little way off. He kept glancing nervously at the blades and then back to her. Every time she moved her wings, he seemed to flinch and shuffle back.

Malanka realized with a touch of irritation that he was nervous about her handling the equipment. She snorted disdainfully and arched her neck, causing her metallic blue scales to gleam. Like she’d be so carless to drop something. The idea.

“Well, they definitely have a bit of weight to them, but I’m sure I’ll get used to that. Other than that though they feel perfect. It’s amazing how natural they feel,” she said, ignoring his nervous looks.

She picked up a magnificent helmet and slipped it over her head. Her ivory white horns fitted perfectly through the holes in the back of the helmet. A strong band of iron capped the top of her snout and broadened near the back to encase her eyes, allowing only a small hole to see out of on either side. A back plate curved a little way down her neck, protecting the vulnerable spot where her scales were thinned to allow the growth of her horns. She was surprised at how airy it was. She’d been expecting it to be heavy and hard to see out of, but it really didn’t present much of a problem.

After fitting on a pair of talon blades, she turned to her father again. He beamed at her, his shimmering gold eyes shining with pride.

“My little girl, all grown up,” he sighed, coming over and gently twining his tail with hers. “You know, you look just like your mother when she first tried her armour.”

Malanka bowed her head and grinned. “Thanks Dad.”

“Come on. Let’s see how you do now that you have extra weight. Try doing a straight take off,” Songa instructed.

Malanka obeyed. She was usually great at taking off without a running start, but as she sprang into the air, she realized that it was going to be harder then she’d thought. The metal, though fairly light on the ground, now felt far heavier and dragged her down. She didn’t put enough energy into her wing beats and crushed into the ground with a loud metallic clang.

“Again,” Songa commanded.

Again, Malanka tried. This time she managed to get aloft, beating her wings rapidly to create lift. But the armour affected her streamlined shape and she struggled to keep her balance in the air. Songa flew up beside her as graceful as an eagle, his armour not seeming to bother him in the least.

“Feel the metal. Let it become one with you,” he instructed firmly. “Don’t fight it. If the weight gets too heavy, don’t try carry on going up. Dive and let the momentum of the upward swoop carry you through the air.”

Malanka tried a steep dive, letting the heavy weapons speed up her descent. Then, tilting her wings, the wind caught her and she swooped upwards. She soar skywards with easy and let out an exhilaration roar of triumph as she flew past where Songa was hovering.

“That’s it. Make it work for you, not the other way around,” Songa called after her.

Little by little Malanka grew to recognize how the weapons and armour liked to move and adjusted her flight patterns to match it. By late afternoon she was gliding through the air with easy, as swift as a falcon. She felt as though the metal had always been part of her and that at last they understood each other. Before long she could perform the complex barrel rolls and loop the loops that she was used to.

“Bravo Malanka. You’re a natural,” Songa applauded as he and Malanka landed with a heavy thud on the golden sand of the arena. “I think we could move onto battle training tomorrow.”

“Sure,” Malanka replied with enthusiasm, her tail twitching with excitement.

“Well… I’ll see you later then I guess,” Songa leaned over and gave Malanka a tentative kiss on the snout before padding towards the far entrance into the mountain.

Suddenly, a frantic Wind Talon burst out of the tunnel, his snout white with fear. “Sir…” he panted, skidding to a stop when he saw Songa walking towards him. “The Ice Talons. They have declared war.”


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Mon Oct 03, 2016 11:34 pm
Megrim wrote a review...



Great chapter! And it looks like I'm going to get them all knocked out in one day here :P

First the things I loved: the WING BLADE! How cool! The armour is all very neat in this chapter. And I especially loved the lesson, how the metal made her heavier and she needed to adjust for it to fly, how she used its weight to create a heavier dive and then greater lift, and all that great stuff. I loved how the armour really affected the flight and fighting tactics. It felt very real and believable.

I was a bit hesitant at first, because they're using real weapons and armour, and I was wondering if they were going to spar with it. But they didn't, phew! Do they have blunted or wooden versions for her to practice with safely, in a real match? I guess it doesn't matter much, because it doesn't look like there's time for that now!

The interaction between Songa and Malanka is nice and friendly, but it doesn't quite seem like father-daughter, even if they're super close. Songa feels less kingly and authoritative than I would expect (even if he's a nice, gentle, caring kingly!). He feels a lot more like an older brother--someone younger and less commanding.

I love how the chapter ends, but at the same time, I'm thinking... why are they shocked/worried about this? THEY declared war on the Ice Talons just a few chapters ago! So doesn't it make sense the Ice Talons would feel the same way? I feel like this is meant to be a big gut punch, but it falls flat because I'm asking, "So what?" One fix would be to NOT have them declare war earlier, so you can drop the bombshell earlier (her mother can still be angry about the robbery, which is big news in itself, and there can be ominous foreboding, but no talk of war until now). Alternatively you could have her declare war earlier, and then this bombshell is news of something else, like an invasion force. I think I like the first one better, but that's just me!

Well, good luck and happy writing! That went by pretty quickly. It's a fun and vivid story and I hope you get some new chapters for us soon!




felistia says...


Thanks so much for all your reviews. I will be going back an changing a few things. I really needed that plot information. Shall I tag you when the next chapter is out? :D



Megrim says...


Sure thing! Can't wait.



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Sun Sep 25, 2016 8:31 pm
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BlueJayWalker10 wrote a review...



Hey there! It seems I'm a bit late to the review party, eh? Well, I've got an excuse--I've been under the weather these past couple weeks and I just got back from the hospital four days ago.
But, even with a nasty cold, I can review.
Let's get this started!
#0000BF ">Grammar N' Stuff
You're pretty solid in this case--which is always a nice surprise for me! It's good to know I'm not the only human on earth who knows good story formatting. You're a little rusty on your dialogue grammar, though.
However, there are a couple nitpicks I have:

Malanka realized with a touch of irritation that he was nervous about her handily the equipment.

I think you meant handling.
#BF0000 ">Malanka realized with a tough of irritation that he was nervous about her handling the equipment.

twining his tail with hers, “You know,

You wouldn't want a comma there, but a period.
#BF0000 ">twining his tail with hers. "You know,

Malanka bowed her head and grinned, “Thanks Dad.”

Who the heck grins "Thanks Dad"? I believe she grinned, then said Thanks Dad."
(Adding a comma there suggests that she communicated "Thanks Dad" with that grin.)
#BF0000 ">Malanka bowed her head and grinned. "Thanks, Dad."
You made notice I added a comma after "Thanks". This is just a matter of personal preference; I think it makes the story flow better with a comma, but you can remove that if you wish.

“Feel the metal. Let it become one with you,” he instructed firmly, “Don’t fight it.

Period, not a comma.
#BF0000 ">"Feel the metal. Let it become one with you, he instructed firmly. "Don't fight it.

Then tilting her wings,

This is also a matter of personal preference, but I'd say you should add a comma after "then".
#BF0000 ">Then, tilting her wings,

“That’s it. Make it work for you, not the other way around,” Songa cried after her.

Okay, so a comma implies that his voice was calm and steady--while "cried" implies that he was frantic, or speaking quickly and/or shrilly/loudly.
See where I'm going with this?
They're contradicting each other.
You could say this:
#BF0000 ">"That's it. Make it work for you, not the other way around," Songa called.
Called makes it seem like he was calm--and perhaps even amused at her blunder.
Or, you could do this:
#BF0000 ">"That's it. Make it work for you, not the other way around!" Songa cried.
I personally would change "cried" to "called", but you can choose whichever one you like. (Or, if you want, to ignore this suggestion. It's your story, after all.)

XD You need to work a bit on your dialogue grammar, eh?
Songa applauded as he and Malanka landed with a heavy thud on the golden sand of the arena, “I think we

Are you a girl? Because you seem to hate periods.
(Please don't hurt me for the terrible joke.)
#BF0000 ">Songa applauded as he and Malanka landed with a heavy thud on the golden sand of the arena. "I think we

Songa leaned over and gave Malanka a tentative kiss on the snout[color=0000BF],[/color] before padding towards the far entrance into the mountain.

The highlighted comma is unnecessary and breaks the flow a bit.
#BF0000 ">Songa leaned over and gave Malanka a tentative kiss on the snout before padding towards the far entrance into the mountain.

See, this is also a case where you need to work on your dialogue grammar.
Suddenly a frantic Wind Talon burst out of the tunnel, his snout white with fear, “Sir…” He panted, skidding to a stop when he saw Songa walking towards him, “The Ice Talons. They have declared war."

It should be something more like this:
#BF0000 ">Suddenly, a frantic Wind Talon burst out of the tunnel, his snout white with fear.
"Sir. . ." he panted, skidding to a stop when he saw Songa walking towards him.
"The Ice Talons. They have declared war."


#0000BF ">Characters, Worldbuilding & Other Shenanigans

You seem to have a pretty decent world here. Even though I'm bursting in mid-story, I can tell what's going on, where I am, who the characters are, and their relations.
I do like it when I'm able to walk in on a story and understand everything going on.
In all honesty, I'm not the best person to come to when it comes to characters--I'm pretty decent at worldbuilding, but I'm still struggling with a few characters myself--but I'm good at relationships.
Is it just me, or does her relationship for with her father seem a bit iffy?
They're either really, really close, or it's like "Well I just got a new stepdad, better get to know him."
But I don't really have any other comments.

Hope I helped, and keep writing! The only way to get better at something is to keep at it.
-Jay




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. I've taken your advice on-board and will take better care when it comes to dialogue grammar in the coming chapter. Thanks again. :D





You're welcome! Glad I could help.



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Sun Sep 25, 2016 8:10 pm
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Virgil wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

I am one to believe that you can have characters that are realistic while being a fantasy setting. This doesn't show here. The dialogue in this chapter feels awkward and sort of cliche. I felt that you used a lot of dialogue tags, which in moderation are fine, but with an excess of them it tends to drown out the rest of the dialogue. An alternative that I think you could use is having your characters use more body language, as most actual talking is done through the body instead of it all being verbal.

I like the tension that's created at the end of the chapter between the characters, that's broken by even more tension. It was the highlight of the chapter for me, as I felt like it was rather slow in pace. This is fine, but most of it tended to focus on character development and felt more like filler instead of addressing more the plot. It feels sort of laid-back for a chapter that's leading up to something more intense, which is cool to see them being attacked sort f in surprise or out of nowhere, which makes for a more interesting next chapter.

This whole chapter just wraps up to be and feel, standard. It doesn't really have anything to make it feel like a strong chapter. I can't really see any strengths in this whole chapter because it's just the definition of okay. My suggestion is to try and experiment more of out what you're already doing, which seems to be fantasy that particularly focuses on dragons, to find out more of your strengths. And with finding them, using them to your advantage.

I hope this helped and have a great day!




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Sun Sep 25, 2016 1:33 pm
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Sheadun wrote a review...



Hi!
Shea here to review this chapter! Very good start and finish to this chapter. It flowed well and I really liked reading it. I hope to continue this novel in the future!

Now some suggestions to help you along with your writing. I noticed that you use "she" a lot to start your sentences. One example that may help is "Flexing her wing in and out to see how it felt, she was surprised to find that the weapon was quite heavy", this will help with word flow in the beginning of the story. Make sure to separate sentences that may be a little bit of run on sentences such as "Little by little Malanka grew to recognize how the weapons and armour liked to move. She adjusted her flight patterns to match it".

Make sure not to use said too many times and expand on using words that you normally would not to describe more.

Really nice story and great plot! I encourage you to keep writing and I hope to read more from you in the future! I wonder where you get inspiration for your writing?

Love it!
Shea :)




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. I'll go back and tend to the mistakes as soon as possible. I got my inspiration for writing from the book series How to Train Your Dragon and another book series called The Wings of Fire.

P.S Would you like to be notified when the next chapters come out?



Sheadun says...


Hi felistia! I would love to be updated :)




Stories don't end because you stopped paying attention.
— SJ Whitby