z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Quest for Fire Book one ~ Into the Mists Chapter 1

by felistia


Megalonia

A\N This is a very loose fanfiction on the Wings of Fire series. It does not have spoilers regarding the series and you don't need to have read the Wings of Fire series to understand the story. It just as some strong similarities. Hope you like it and happy reading.

Vivid blades of honey gold streaked through the forest canopy, the dappled light waving over the forest floor. An evening wind was started to blow. The colors of the forest slowly growing dim as the sun dipped behind the mountains. The three black dragons crept, silent as mice, under the ancient trees, their eyes darting from shadow to shadow.

“D-don’t you think we should start heading back now?” the youngest of the dragons asked, trembling from head to tail. He swallowed the lump building in his throat and tried to calm his shaking nerves. The night creatures were starting to play their eerie songs, the shaky notes bouncing through the damp air. Who knew what was out there, watch him from the shadows? “It’s starting to get dark and I don’t think stay out is a good idea.”

“Nonsense, Zoltar,” the oldest stated confidently, “We were sent on an important mission and we’re going to finish it, even it does mean staying out a little bit longer.”

“But, Scorpus,” Zoltar protested.

“Come, Zoltar. Don’t tell me you’re afraid of the dark now,” sneered another dragon. Muscles rippled under his obsidian black scales and there was a mean glint in his eyes, “You really are a looser, you know that? First you’re born without acid fangs and now you’re scared of the dark. Really, I don’t know why Scorpus even brought on this mission?” He made a swipe at Zoltar, who leapt out of reach.

“Mowzan,” Scorpus turned to glare at the younger dragon, “Stop bullying Zoltar. It’s not his fault he was born with a defect.” He cast a look of pity in Zoltar’s direction.

Zoltar simply stared at his talons. He’d had this abuse from the day he'd hatched and although he was used to it by now, it still didn’t dull the pain of being called an outcast or loser. The last thing he needed was Scorpus’s pity; it just made him feel more weak and useless.

Sighing, Scorpus moved on, the dry leaves rustling ever so slightly under his claws. The forest was almost black now. The moon had yet to rise and the only thing preventing Zoltar from being completely blind was his extraordinary night vision. It wasn’t exactly the same as seeing during daylight, but was more like seeing without much color variation. Everything had a slight purple tint to it.

Suddenly a thundering roar ripped through the night air. Zoltar yelped in alarm, instinctively jumping back. His heart was now pounding in his chest and cold sweat was breaking out from between his scales. What had made that unearthly sound? Now he was sure that this forest was dangerous and that they had to leave. Before it had just been a feeling that there was something wrong out there, but now it was a strong urge to flee.

Meanwhile Mowzan and Scorpus had snapped into attention, their ears swiveling this way and that way as they tried to pinpoint the direction of the sound. Scorpus had decided that it was coming from the east of the island and was actually starting to move in that direction.

“What are you doing?” Zoltar hissed in a hoarse whisper, “Why are you going towards that sound? Wouldn’t the best idea be to turn around and head in the opposite directing as fast as possible?”

“No, Zoltar,” Scorpus growled in a disapproving voice, “Hisster sent us here to see if this island was safe and that roar might have come from a potential threat.”

“But isn’t the roar enough to tell you that it’s dangerous?” Zoltar asked, almost hysterically. He was shaking uncontrollably and his stomach felt like claws where slowly being raked across it.

Scorpus shot Zoltar a you’d-better-listen-to-me look, “Zoltar….you still have a lot to learn about being a soldier, okay? I’ve been a soldier in Hisster’s army for over thirty years. You on the other paw have only been training for ten years and have only just became a soldier. I think that makes me the more experienced Shadow Talon here. Yes?”

“Yes sir,” Zoltar murmured. Scorpus was right. He was the more experienced of the three and to top it he was Zoltar’s adopting father, so he shouldn’t really argue with him.

“That’s okay son. You’ll learn as you go?” Scorpus wrapped a vast black wing over Zoltar, comforting him, “Now come on, let’s go find out what made that sound.”

Zoltar heard an arrogant snort come from Mowzan’s direction as they continued on their trek through the undergrowth. Not a bird called for the trees and not an insect could be heard. The forest had fallen into deathly silence.

Every nerve in Zoltar’s body was tingling and his legs where tense as they prepared to run at the slightest sigh of danger. Mowzan and Scorpus were also strangely silent, their poisonous tails poised to strike.

There was a rustle from the bushes behind them. All three dragons whirled around, their dagger sharp teeth bared. No one moved.

Suddenly a gigantic reptilian panther lunged out of the bush towards them. Zoltar shrieked and dove out the way just before the beast’s fanged beak could slam shut on his barbed tail. His heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest as he bolted through a patch of bushes, closely followed by Scorpus and Mowzan. Trees and bushes whipped past, lashing at his eyes. Sticks and stone flew from under his claws and the wind howled overhead like an angry wolf. Branches reached out with their clawed fingers, grabbing at the scaly wings of the three dragons bolting through the forest.

Zoltar’s lungs felt like they were on fire and his breathing came out quick and shaky. His claws thudded against the wet earth like rocks, but still he ran. The bloodcurdling screams of the creature vibrated through his skull and body, willing him to push himself to the brink of exhaustion. He risked a quick glance over his shoulder and instantly regretted it.

The monster was speeding through the forest at an alarming rate, it was going to close the gap between them soon. Great oaks parted like water as it lashed through branches and bark.

Zoltar urged himself to go faster. Creepers snatched at his wings and tail like a nest of serpents and gnarled tree roots threatened to trip him with every step he took. He passed a panting Mowzan, his heaving sides brushing against the older shadow talon's wings for a few fleeting seconds. Scorpus was only a few meters ahead of him. A giant log loomed only a little way off, near with each passing second. All three dragons leapt over the fallen tree, their paws barely clearing the trunk.

The beast burst through the log a few seconds later. A shower of broken branches and splinters rained down on the three dragons, spearing into their wings and tails as they swerved this way and that way. The sharp wood cut into the thin membranes of Zoltar's wings, making him gasp in pain.

Suddenly Mowzan shrieked and fell back. Cold fear clinched Zoltar's heart as he whipped his head around. Mowzan lay dead with the beast towering over him. Its spear like tail was dripping with scarlet red blood. The two jagged saber teeth jutting out from its upper jaw were wet with black saliva and the spikes on its back shone an obsidian black in the thin blades of moonlight cutting through the canopy. It screamed in triumph.

Letting out an involuntary cry, Zoltar stumbled backwards. The beast jerked its mangled black head up from its kill and looked straight at him, its red glowing eyes burning straight through his heart. In desperation to get away from this nightmare, Zoltar sprinted forwards only to suddenly trip on a hidden tree root and fall to his knees. He looked back at the behemoth, terror shimmering in his glowing amethyst eyes. It had stopped and was slowly stalking towards him like a puma cornering a mountain goat. Zoltar tried to move, but he felt rooted to the ground. He could smell the beast's foul, rotten breath and could see its dagger sharp teeth as it crept closer.

“Come on kid! Get up,” Zoltar looked up to see Scorpus helping him to his feet, “One of us has to distract it or it will get us both,” Scorpus said in a shaking voice, glancing at the beast. It had stopped and was watching them with vicious greed in its eyes. It knew it had them.

“Which…” Zoltar started, dreading the answer, but Scorpus interrupted him.

“I’ll do it."

"No, you can't," Zoltar cried, desperately grabbing hold of Scorpus's tail, "The Shadow Talons need you. You are their best soldier left."

The beast was starting to move slowly forward again, saliva dripping from its open jaws.

"Now is not the time. Just go!” Scorpus shouted, yanking his tail away from Zoltar as he ran towards the beast, breathing a plume of fire to get its attention away from Zoltar. He ran off in another direction with the creature close on his tail.

Shocked, Zoltar stood there in horror for a second before he carried on running, his heart aching. He knew he couldn't save Scorpus now. His father's painful roars echoed behind him, urging him to stop, but he didn't. He couldn’t let Scorpus’s sacrifice be for naught. Not after all he's had done for him. He had to convince the Shadow Talons that the island was not safe and that they should find somewhere else.

Zoltar could see light ahead of him as the tangled forest gave way to a wide, open lake. Beating his wings, he soared into the air, skimming the surface of the moonlit water with his claws as he tried to gain height. He looked back at the now silent forest. Nothing stirred under the trees, not a sound could be heard in those dark shadowy woods. There was nothing to show of what had just happened. The beast had gone.

For those of you who'd like to know what the beast looks like here's a picture. I don't own the picture. I got it off the internet.

[spoiler] Mine doesn't have wings, but this is the closest picture I could get to what mine looks like

The size of a human vs standard dragons size vs the beast

[/spoiler]


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Thu Jul 07, 2016 6:37 pm
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NerdGeek wrote a review...



First of all, I would like to say, OMG YOU ARE THE QUEEN/KING (didn't know which) OF DESCRIPTIONS! Wow, I really admire the way you describe the sun in the forest at the beginning of the chapter.

"Vivid blades of honey gold streaked through the forest canopy, the dappled light waving over the forest floor."

Talk about attention grabbing!

One thing, though. Maybe, ears shouldn't be "swiveling"? Sounds painful... Anyway, try something along the lines of, "their ears were pricked and alert, trying to pinpoint the direction of the sound."

Zoltar sounds like an interesting character to get to know, and I want to see how the conflict in the story helps him grow as a person... err, dragon. :) The action was fast-paced and very well written; I had no trouble imagining the three dragons fleeing through the woods. The ending resolves the chapter, but I know that Zoltar has a mission to complete, so I want to read the next chapter and find out how he does so. Good job with that! Overall, I absolutely love what I've read so far!

Here are the minor errors I noticed:

- So, whenever you write, "shadow talon(s)" it should be "Shadow Talon(s)". Proper nouns, and stuff.

- "adopting father" should be "adoptive father".

- Perhaps, you could turn "Mowzan lay dead with the beast towering over him" into "Mowzan lay unmoving with the beast towering over him." That way, readers are worried that the dragon is dead, and they're pretty sure he is, but the following sentences confirm the hunch. This is just more impactful, in my opinion. Note: this isn't so much of an error as a stylistic opinion, so you don't have to do anything with it.

Question: Why did Scorpus sacrifice himself for Zoltar? I mean, in the beginning, he was pretty mean to Zoltar. And if at that point he knew that they needed to convince the other Shadow Talons to get off the island, he would most likely believe himself to be the best candidate. After all, why would the older and more experienced soldiers listen to Zoltar, an inexperienced (and extremely frightened) soldier whom, it seems like, they didn't respect (because of his defect). Scorpus, however, was older, resepected, and--in your words--"their best soldier left." From a purely logical standpoint, Scorpus should have left Zoltar to die. The Shadow Talons would be more inclined to listen to him, and he would have a greater chance of actually escaping the lizard-monster and warning the other dragons in the first place. Although, Zoltar seems like an incredibly fast runner (even though Mowzan was probably slower due to his age, anyway). And it seems out of character (from what I've gathered from the story thus far) that Scorpus would sacrifice himself for someone he obviously viewed as inferior.

Another question: You wrote, "His father's painful roars echoed behind him," but Mowzan was already dead at this point! Is Scorpus his father, as well? If that was an error you just didn't catch, I would cut that out or turn it into Scorpus' roars, instead. (I.e., the word "father" shouldn't be in that paragraph unless Zoltar is remembering Mowzan in some way.)

Here's a somewhat-major error:

You're narrating events in the present, but you switch between past and present tense, especially when describing things. It doesn't muddle the meaning of the story, but it has the potential to confuse readers in regards to when events are taking place, especially as the story progresses.

Also, should you choose to publish/submit this (or any other work of yours that contains similar errors) as a school assignment/entry for a contest, you would most likely get points deducted, or something to that effect.

Don't worry; it's something that I struggle with, as well. However, with some training, you'll be able to catch it on your own. :)

Besides the issues with tense and the suddenly-selfless-Scorpus (hello, alliteration), I loved your story! I have not read many dragon stories before (one, I think, and that was years ago) but I'm really enjoying this one. Thanks for writing this, and I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the book.

Keep writing!




felistia says...


Thank you so much for the review. I'll look into the mistakes.
Quick thing though, I said that Scorpus was Zoltar's father. :D



NerdGeek says...


Oh, alright! That clears things up. At first, I thought it was Mowzan who was Zoltar's adoptive father. So now I know why Scorpus sacrificed himself. OK. No problem, and you're welcome for the review! :)



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Tue Jun 28, 2016 2:25 pm
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RippleGylf says...



So, you've rewritten this first chapter. I think it has been much improved since I last saw it. :)

Vivid blades of honey gold streaked through the forest canopy, the dappled light waving over the forest floor. An evening wind had started to blow. The colors of the forest were growing dim as the sun dipped behind the mountains. The three black dragons creeping under the ancient trees were silent as mice, their eyes darting from shadow to shadow.

I think this flows very well. You have two sentences starting with "the" in a row, but that's easily fixed.
“Come, Zoltar. Don’t tell me you’re afraid of the dark now,” sneered another dragon. Muscles rippled under his obsidian black scales and there was a mean glint in his eyes, “You really are a looser, you know that? First you’re born without acid fangs and now you’re scared of the dark. Really, I don’t know why Scorpus even brought on this mission?” He made a swipe at Zoltar, who leapt out of reach.

I appreciate that you are showing the other dragons mocking him now. :) However, the sentence "First you're born without acid fangs and now you're scared of the dark." is too blunt. Maybe something along the lines of "Too bad you don't have acid fangs to protect you from the scary darkness." would work better.
The moon had yet to rise and the only thing preventing Zoltar from being completely blind was his extraordinary night vision. It wasn’t exactly the same as seeing during daylight, but was more like seeing without much color variation. Everything had a slight purple tint to it.

It's good that you're establishing these traits early on. However, this particular explanation feels like a textbook. Try to make it sound more casual, and that might fix the problem. "Color variation" in particular sounds very formal.
You on the other paw have only been training for ten years and have only just became a soldier.

This is one of the few bits of dialogue that sounds unnatural in this chapter. I don't think the repetition of "have only" works here.
Zoltar’s lungs felt like they were on fire and his breathing came out quick and shaky. His claws thudded against the wet earth like rocks, but still he ran. The bloodcurdling screams of the creature vibrated through his skull and body, willing him to push himself to the brink of exhaustion. He risked a quick glance over his shoulder and instantly regretted it.

This paragraph is much better. :)
Shocked, Zoltar stood there in horror for a second before he carried on running, his heart aching. He knew he couldn't save Scorpus now. His father's painful roars echoed behind him, urging him to stop, but he didn't. He couldn’t let Scorpus’s sacrifice be for naught. Not after all he's had done for him. He had to convince the shadow talons that the island was not safe and that they should find somewhere else.

While I like this paragraph, there are a few small errors in it.
First, calling Scorpus "his father" doesn't make sense in this first chapter. Yes, you establish later on that Scorpus is a father figure, but it confuses the reader here because Scorpus is not really his father, and yet this use of the word leaves the impression that Scorpus is his father.
Zoltar could see light ahead of him as the tangled forest gave way to a wide, open lake. Beating his wings, he soared into the air, skimming the surface of the moonlit water with his claws as he tried to gain height. He looked back at the now silent forest. Nothing stirred under the trees, not a sound could be heard in those dark shadowy woods. There was nothing to show of what had just happened. The beast had gone.

... and cut. :D
I really like this ending to the chapter. It provides a mini resolution, and feels satisfying to the reader.

Overall, this work has really progressed and improved. Keep writing!




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Sun Jun 26, 2016 8:01 am
Sujana wrote a review...



Good day, Felistia. I've finally gotten around to reading the first chapter of your book, and while I did find it amusing, it started off very shakily for me. While I have used the "straight into the action" method of chapter beginnings, I find this method difficult to execute and, more importantly, understand, because:

1) Who are these characters?
2) Why should I care if they get out of this situation alive?
3) What in God's name is going on?

Generally speaking, the third of that is the least problematic of the three. Action is not just the matter of being chased down by a strange and monstrous beast--good action, as far as I've read, has characters I actually want to see overcome the problem. That's not to say no action should be in the beginning, because obviously you can't set up all the characters immediately in the beginning. In cases like these, I find that authors have a habit of using several tactics to get the readers invested in the characters immediately:

a) they don't make the character important. Here, a death, or a tragedy is highlighted, and the characters involved are objectified. In this case, the readers need to know why the deaths are important. This is usually highlighted by having the survivor of the tragedy, the protagonist usually, grieve over the process, and therefore setting up the character for the next chapters.
b) the action actually tells us who the characters are. This is hard to explain, so instead, picture this: bank alarms are ringing. Police start crowding around the bank, pistols aimed, and the head of them screams through a megaphone "Come out with your hands in the air!" At first, complete silence. And then, in the next moment, a 14-year old girl walks out, carrying a machine gun. "Hi," she greets, with a smirk. And then she proceeds to wipe half of the police force out. Ellstar, that doesn't tell me anything about the character! Yes, it does. You know she's young. You know she's not afraid to kill police officers. You know she's strong enough to carry a machine gun. You can observe that she might be slightly disturbed, and so on. The action tells us something about the character.

In your text, I can conclude that Scorpus, who had a plan to distract the beast, is reasonably intelligent. That shows elements of b. However, it's evident that Scorpus dies (or does he? Dun dun dun), which shows us elements of a. But those are very faint traces, which doesn't make a very strong beginning. I don't feel anything when Mowzan dies because he's never made an impression on me, and I only barely feel bad for Scorpus. I guess what I'm saying here is that I'd like for this beginning to let the characters have a little banter or something, anything to give me a vague feel for their characters, and currently I just don't. Of course, take what I say with a grain of salt, but that's just my opinion.

You may observe that I don't talk much about the sentence structures of this work or whatnot. Well, that's because it's already been pointed out by people much smarter than I, but I don't think any of them pointed out anything about how the story feels when coming in. But to be fair, I do have a single sentence I'd like to criticize.

Honestly, he would have thought that the thundering roar coming from this part of the forest would have been a warning, not to mention that the sun had just gone down, but of course they hadn't listened.


To be fair, it's really stupid, but generally I like having a single 'voice' in my head whenever I'm reading a work. It keeps everything unified and I can do fun stuff like have Morgan Freeman voice a Song of Ice and Fire book, you know? So usually the problem I come across whenever I'm reading stuff on this site is that very few works have a unifying voice to them. Sometimes they talk like a teenager going through an emo phase, sometimes they talk like a professor at a university just overdosed on caffeine. It's never consistent, and when it is consistent it doesn't work with the tone of the work. And in this case, the word 'honestly' disturbs me. It's such a casual word, used by first person authors to either pass on wisdom or an unpopular opinion. It especially sticks out in a third person work. I think changing it to "If he were honest" would be a better idea, as it allows the reader to look into the character's head without breaking the illusion of a quite third person narration.




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. I've taken what you've said on-board and have rewritten the chapter. I must say... it does look better know. Thanks. :D



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Thu Jun 23, 2016 8:02 am
RippleGylf wrote a review...



Hello! Ripple here. I saw that the majority of this was in the green room, so I figured I might as well start from the beginning. :P

Zoltar's chest was burning as his talons hit the wet earth and the pungent scent of Scorpus and Mowzan’s fear clouded his senses as he tore through the dark forest. Sticks and stones flew out from under his claws as he hurtled through the undergrowth. Trees whipped his snout with thorny branches, almost blinding him while a cruel wind howled through the tops of the ancient trees. Their hooked boughs reached out with clawed fingers to grab the scaly wings of the three black dragons bolting though the trees.
While I love the imagery here, I feel like these sentences are too similar in structure. They all seem to follow the pattern of

Noun+Verb+Phrase x4

In addition, all of these sentences are decently lengthy, which is good, but you need variety in sentence structure and length.
“We have to get out of the forest.” Zoltar roared over the metallic clang of talons from the reptilian monster behind them. He shot a hateful glance up at the dense canopy. They'd never be able to break through the twisting vines before the beast caught them. They'd have to find an opening in the trees. He knew they shouldn't have come into east side of the of the island. He would have thought that the thundering roar coming from this part of the forest would have been a warning, not to mention that the sun had just gone down, but of course they hadn't listened.

While you do start to use shorter sentences here, you put them all next to each other, which still creates a problem with sentence variety. Also, putting two of the sentences that start with "he" right next to each other also doesn't seem quite right. Personally, I like to follow No 2 Sentences Start With The Same Word in the same paragraph (N2SSWTSW).
Scorpus and Mowzan practically never listened to him, just because this was his first mission as a soldier and because he didn't have acid fangs like the rest of the shadow talon tribe.

This sentence is a bit too blunt with giving the reader background information. If they haven't read the Wings of Fire books, next to none of this is going to make sense to them. Regardless of their prior knowledge, an action scene is perhaps not the time to give us the background of our protagonist.
“It’s going to catch us before we can reach a break in this flaming forest,” Mowzan yelled next to him, his wings lightly brushing Zoltar's with each gasping breath he took.

"Our only chance is to fight it off then,” Scorpus responded as he leapt over a fallen oak tree, his barbed tail scraping the rough tree bark.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Zoltar glanced back at the trees behind him, his heart pounding with terror.

Try to shorten these pieces of dialogue. There is a lot of action in this first chapter, and having lengthy dialogue in the middle of it both doesn't make sense realistically and messes with the flow.
There was no way they would be able to defeat this thing. If it could crash through giant oaks as though they were water then what chance did three much smaller dragons stand against it?

Again, I love the imagery of the oaks parting like water, but including it here makes the sentence seem to run on.
Shocked, Zoltar stood there in horror for a second before he carried on running, pain ripping at his heart like an angry beast. He knew he couldn't save Scorpus now. Scorpus’s painful roars echoed behind him, urging him to stop, but he didn't. He couldn’t let Scorpus’s sacrifice be for naught. Not after all Scorpus had done for him. He had to convince the shadow talons that the island was not safe and that they should find somewhere else.

How would it be difficult to convince these shadow talons that the island is not safe when two of them have died there, including their best soldier?

Overall, a very piquant beginning. Can't wait to read the rest! :) Keep writing!




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. I'll go back and apply the changes right away. :D



felistia says...


P.s for your last question about the shadow talons, I explain that in the next chapter. :D



felistia says...


P.s for your last question about the shadow talons, I explain that in the next chapter. :D



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Rydia wrote a review...



Since I've reviewed all the other first chapters, it would be unfair to skip this one ;)

Specifics

1. I don't know the Wings of Fire series so I don't know if the map is your invention or not but it looks cool at a quick glance. I might take a closer look later when more of the places have been mentioned.

2.

Their hooked boughs reached out with clawed fingers to grab at scaly wings of the three black dragons bolting though the trees.
This sentence sounds odd because you're mixing a vague and a specific. To 'grab at' is usually used when it's things which are many and hard to aim for or reach but three black dragons are very big and specific things to try and grab at. I don't think I'm explaining this well but basically I think this would sound better as 'to grab the scaly wings' or 'to grasp the scaly wings'.

3.
Zoltar knew they shouldn't have come into this part of the forest. He would have thought that the thundering roar coming from this part of the forest would have been a warning, not to mention that the sun had just gone down, but of course they hadn't listened.
Don't repeat 'this part of the forest' - it's too long/ clunky a phrase to get away with using twice in quick succession. Maybe use 'this area' or 'from within the trees' for the second one.

4. It would be more interesting to see the scene where the other two dragons don't listen to him rather than for our first impression of him to be that he moans (even if only internally). It's also usually better to show than tell, especially early on in a story before we're attached to your characters or plot. Once you've hooked the reader, then you can get away with internal monologues. Alternatively, you could have it play out in dialogue which would also count as showing and be more interesting to read.

5.
“We have to get out of the forest and out into clear ground. We won't be able to lift off the ground with this dense canopy and tangled vines!” Zoltar roared over the metallic clang of talons from the reptilian monster behind them.
This is too long a description from someone who's fleeing. When people are scared, we go primitive and we speak in basics and don't explain ourselves. This line of dialogue feels like it's there for the reader's benefit rather than feeling real. Mowzan and Scorpus' dialogue is much better!

6.
A shower of broken branches and splinters rained down on Zoltar and Mowzan, cutting into their wings and tail as they swerved this way and that.
This sentence feels like it's unfinished? Or maybe it should have ended at 'away'?

7. The conversation between Zoltar and Scorpus is too long and it makes it unrealistic. I know they often do these big speeches in the movies, but you've just told us the beast is right there - he isn't going to wait while they hug it out. Try to keep these kind of goodbyes short and snappy when they come in the middle of an action scene

8.
Scorpus’s shouts echoed behind him, willing him to stop, but he didn't.
Willing is the wrong word here because it makes it sound like Scorpus is calling him to stop when you suggested earlier it's the exact opposite.

Overall

This is a very action packed chapter and that makes for a good start but it's a little unrealistic in parts, or rather you're trying to fit in a lot of exposition which doesn't work in an action scene. Let go of that and pretend you're writing in the middle of the story and you can fill in the blanks later. You can have Zoltar remind the other dragons that he said from the start it was too dangerous and then feel bad about shaming the two dragons who gave their lives for him.

There's a good level of description and with a little work to make the dialogue sharper, I think this will make an exciting introduction - good job!

~Heather




felistia says...


Thank you so much for the review. I'll go right away and apply what you've said to the chapter. Thanks again. :D



felistia says...


P.s I made the map. :D



Rydia says...


No prob and it's a lovely map!



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Wed Jun 22, 2016 9:41 pm
Laurenh6 wrote a review...



Hi there!

I really like how descriptive you are - using lots of adjectives and similes - I like the one about the nest of serpents .. That's really powerful and effective . It's clear to see you've put a lot of effort into this. I think that what you've written displays a great amount of detail which is good because it shows imagery .

However, if I were you I'd vary your sentence structure to keep it interesting . Also, you've repeated Zoltar a lot to start sentences - try to vary it. Use connectives and start sentences to keep the reader hooked .

Overall this is awesome though so well done !!!




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. :D



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Wed Jun 22, 2016 6:24 pm
Charm wrote a review...



Hey! I'm here to review your novel because I noticed you haven't gotten a single review. So let's get on with the review :3

I'll be doing my review in like bullet form becuase it's easiest for me to do that when I'm reviewing novels. All the corrections and notes go in the right order so you can a line them with your chapter or something like that...

You started a lot of paragraphs with Zoltar and I feel like you could have switched it up having words ending with -ly or -ing. For example, "Slowly, Zoltar flew up into the air." or something like that.

Their hooked boughs reached out with clawed fingers to grab at [the] scaly wings of the three black dragons bolting though the trees.

I feel like to avoid the problem I addressed earlier with the whole starting a lot of paragraphs with Zoltar, you could change this beginning sentence to look more like this.
Before: Zoltar's heart leapt into his throat as a bloodcurdling roar filled the forest far behind him.
oh and "leapt" is not a word
After: A bloodcurdling roar filled the forest behind him as Zoltar's heart leaped into his throat.

Mowzan yelled next to Zoltar, his wings lightly brushing Zoltar’s with each gasping breath he took.
instead of using Zoltar twice maybe use: "brushing his friend's with each" or something like that.

That's pretty much it. You have really good vocabulary and imagery. I'll try and review the other chapters :)
Alice




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. I'll go back and tweak some of the sentences. :D



Charm says...


Okay awesome :)




"Who am I? I'm just a writer. I write things down. I walk through your dreams and invent the future."
— Richard Siken