Zoltar stood there, poised for the attack. The snake like figures were getting closer as they slid through the black swamp towards him. Suddenly, they dispersed as a huge crocodile sized shadow swam into their midst.
‘The alpha male,’ Zoltar thought to himself. He could feel his heart starting to beat faster and adrenalin speeding through his veins. Zoltar inhaled a long breath trying to calm his nerves, ‘I can do this,' he repeated over and over again in his head.
The menacing figure of the Highlang was only a few meters from him now. Zoltar tensed.
With a thundering roar, the Highlang leapt out of the swamp, showering drops of black mud everywhere. Its silver fangs sparkled wickedly as it flew towards Zoltar’s neck. Zoltar sprang backwards into the air just in time, letting the Highlang pass just centimetres under him. He stayed there hovering as he watched the Highlang land with a thump onto the thin strip of land he’d been on a few seconds before.
Zoltar heart was hammering away in his chest and he was beginning to feel quite sick.
‘That was to close,’ he thought, breathing in quick, shaky gasps, 'Can't let it get that close again.'
The Highlang whirled around, rage blazing in its two pitch black eyes. Lashed its tail violently, it made the ivy green fan of plates on the end rattle. With its eyes still on Zoltar the Highlang crouched like a cat preparing to spring, digging its webbed claws into the ground below it. With another roar of fury it lunged up at Zoltar, who swerved violently to dodge. The poisonous teeth of the Highlang slammed closed on thin air before it dropped back down to earth.
'Right,I think I have its full attention,’ Zoltar thought as he wheeled around and flew off into the swamp with the alpha Highlang close on his tail.
“Okay he's gone,” Felistia whispered, nudging Emerald. The wisp talon faded into the back ground until only her eyes showed. She quietly stalked down the tree trunk and out onto the thin sand bank. The female Highlang had climbed out onto the land to wait for their leader to return.
“I hope Zoltar’s okay,” Felistia whispered to Shiraku and she anxiously looked in the direction she’d last seen Zoltar.
“He’ll be fine,” Shiraku assured Felistia, “Now let’s not disappoint him by not getting that plate.”
……
‘I have so got the worst job right now,’ Zoltar thought hysterically as he sped through the maze of fallen trees and dry reeds. The Highlang was hot on his tail and gaining, every now and then it would shower him in a rain of black mud as it splashed after him.
Zoltar’s wings where aching and his chest was burning, but he carried on. He had to keep the Highlang away from Emerald and the rest until they signalled him. He was going around in circles so that he didn’t fly to far away from the group.
The Highlang was only a few meters from him now and was lunging out of the water, its poisonous fangs snapping just centimetres away from the end of his tail. Zoltar’s vision was starting to grow fuzzy with exhaustion. He had to land, but where? The ground was soggy and there were few places to hide.
Finally a small sand bank dotted with rotting trees came into view on Zoltar’s right. He swerved sharply towards it, crash landing onto the patch. Sand and damp dirt scattered everywhere as he scrambled to his feet.
The Highlang was nowhere to be seen, only a thin trail of ripples in the spot Zoltar had last seen the creature. Taking the chance that the Highlang could have lost him, Zoltar worked his way through the tangle of decaying branches and tree trunks littering the small island of sand. Sharp twigs scrapped at his wings and back as he pushed through the web of trees till he was a good way in.
Suddenly a green and brown reptile lunged onto the beach, propelled by its powerful legs. The Highlang was back and it looked as angry as an enraged T-Rex.
The Highlang glared around the area with its cold snake eyes. Zoltar crouched, hoped that his dark scales would hide him from the Highlang. After what seemed like hours the Highlang stop staring and dropped it nose to the ground. It took in loud sniffs of the air and in a slinking lizard like motion it slowly worked its way towards Zoltar’s hiding place. Zoltar flinched in fright. He’d not known that Highlang could smell out prey.
‘I have to move before it traps my in this mess of branches,’ Zoltar thought, franticly looking around for another way out as the Highlang's menacing snorts came closer and closer.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Hello again! Just realized I skipped this chapter, so skipping backwards for a second...
I feel kind of silly now because some of my confusion and questions I posed in my last review have been answered simply by reading this chapter
Still not quite sure why he's not trying to attack from the air. By being on land is he trying to lure the Highlang out or something and if he was in the air they wouldn't? Walk me through his thought processes and decision making.
Where are the others as this is happening?
Oooooooh that flash in the next chapter that I was confused by is the signal! Duh
How is he so exhausted? He hasn't been flying that long. I thought they had been resting and got a good night sleep a few chapters ago during the previous night...
So a lot of my specific comments in Ch. 26 are now irrelevant. I'm glad I discovered I skipped this chapter because a lot of things are more clear now. However, I would still like more of his internal monologue and thought processes like I mentioned in my last review. Walk me through his decision making processes more. When you're in the middle of a really exciting scene like this, you don't want to stop the action by slowing down and processing, but I think you could definitely use more of that in the non-action filled scenes.
See you soon! Let me know if you have any questions/if anything was confusing!
Hello!
So this is pretty good - only a few things I thought to mention (besides like one or two grammar mistakes). Anyway, time for the review:
Alrighty - so I'm going to start with Zoltar's character.
Right here, he seems surprisingly, and kind of unrealistically, calm. I mean - he's being chased by a fearsome beast! I wouldn't think he'd bee that 'chill' about it. You express who he is through dialogue and actions. His actions are fine, but his dialogue (or thoughts) are kind of off - especially for this situation. I would change his tone to something that agrees with his body language. (Is he all frightened, or is he all calm about it...? If that makes sense.)
Other Suggestions:
The cliffhanger is good, but it kind of just drops off at a bad time. You could make this the place to stop your chapter, but you have to sell it. Go all out or don't go at all, as they say. Be dramatic with it. You almost have to sell it. An example would be: "...Zoltar thought, frantically looking around for another way out. Zoltar's heart sped with every passing moment..."
Okay, so I'm having a bad writing day - so that probably was about the worst example I could give you. But you get the gist.
Anyway, besides a few typos and what I mentioned, this is pretty nice! I promise I'll get to the rest of the chapters when I have the time!!
~Snazz Pizzazz
Thank you for the review. I will be sure to go and fix the mistakes.
Hello and Happy review day!
This chapter is brilliant, you have created great tension and I like that you use Zoltar’s thoughts to remind the readers of the plan. That being the case there are only a few words which need fixing.
Swims is present tense, becomes swam
I think you mean tensed
And he was beginning to feel quite sick
Zoltar did not make a signal previous to this. “Our turn now” or writing in the signal beforehand would fix this.
Perhaps few places to hide
This is just one of the examples of what makes this chapter great. You have used the thoughts and action to help build the scenery. As Lady bug wrote the scenery and the action are kept through the entire chapter. Often one out shadows the other but you have done it brilliantly.
It took the third read over to find these but I was determined to review one of your chapters for review day. And look I can quote now!
Greetings! Holographic Ladybug here for another review!
~Nit Picks~
You started the thought with one quotation and end with two. I've noticed that in your writing you use one for though, so that's what it should probably be changed to. (And you probably knew that. I'll stop stating the obvious.)
I am 100% sure that you meant pitch and not...well, that.
You're missing the question mark.
~Other Bits~
I kind of don't feel that 'sped' is the right word for this. Sure, its better than running, but I feel like it can be something more. I'm not really imagining him flying or running or anything like that, I more or less imagining him leaping and swerving over, under, and between dead trees, trying at least not to get killed or somewhat injured. You could really include more of this detail-wise in your story because it otherwise feels a bit blank.
......or something like that.
~Great Bits~
You're really showing us great intensity and action here. The imagery is also swell (random word of the day). I can really feel the mud, which is great. I wish I could say more, but I've basically said it all in previous reviews and I'd hate to get repetitive. So copy and past all good portion of my reviews here.
Don't forget to stay awesome!
~Holographic Ladybug