An hour later Zoltar and Mouzan were walking down the winding tunnels where the chief and soldiers resided a few miles from the village.
The air was musty and clouded with dust from the earthen walls and ceiling. The fire rocks lighting the tunnels seemed to flicker and pulse as Zoltar and Mouzan strode past.
“What do you think the chief wants to talk to us about?” Zoltar asked warily. Hisster never spoke to soldiers except to give orders or oversee their training. Normally having a talk with him meant you’d done something wrong, but Zoltar didn’t think he’d done anything bad lately. He started running though the week’s events. There was that time when he’d splashed a fishing Shadow Talon down by the lake, but he was sure that wasn’t enough to get the chief angry at him.
“I don’t know. Just keep your head down and talk when spoken to,” Mouzan instructed, his ears flattening against his scales, “Hisster isn’t known for his kindness.”
Zoltar swallowed the growing lump in his throat. At least Hisster had sent for Scorpus as well. Scorpus talked to the chief often and would know how to handle this situation.
Finally they reached the end of the tunnel. It opened up into a magnificent room, the walls studded with various gemstones and precious metals. In the far left corner was a golden throne in which Hisster rested, his barbed tail lashing back and forth as he watch them enter. Scorpus was also there, his head bowed in respect.
Zoltar, remembering the protocol, crouched with his wings spread and his head bowed so that his amethyst horns brushed the earth. Mouzan followed suit.
“Rise,” Hisster commanded, waving a talon.
Instantly the three got to their feet.
Zoltar’s heart was pounding. It was thundering away in his ears so loud that he was worried the others might hear it.
“I’ve called you here on account of the earthquake. I’ve just been consulting with Shadow Talons studying mount Mokewtu. The signs don’t look good,” Hisster said gravely, his paws clinched together, “The water on the mountain’s slopes has started to steam and fissures are appearing in the sides of Mokewtu as we speak. Experts think this afternoon’s earthquake was a warning of what’s to come. I don’t know how long we have. We could have months or a few days before the mountain bursts her seams.”
Zoltar’s mind was whirling. How could this happen? Shadow Talons had lived along the slopes of mount Mokewtu as far back as anyone one could remember. The mountain had never in Megalonia’s history erupted or so much as blown a puff of smoke. The Shadow Talons would have never settled on her slopes if they’d know she’d someday rupture. What would happen to their way of life, their homes and above all were would they go if Mokewtu did erupt?
“Sir,” Scorpus started, taking a step towards the chief, “We must evacuate the mountain. If Mokewtu blows there’ll be no one left apart from the few soldiers living here.”
Hisster nodded grimly, then turned to Zoltar and Mouzan, “You two must go to the village and warn everyone. Scorpus and I will be along as soon as possible. We need to send for reinforcements. Quick, we must get everyone out before it’s too late.”
“Yes sir,” Zoltar said, spreading his wings in salute, before turning around sprinting back up the tunnel. Mouzan was close on his tail as they both tore through the passages.
Zoltar’s heart was racing. When would the volcano erupt? Would it be a small explosion or would it be a big one? How long would they have to leave the mountain for? Would they ever be able to return once the mountain had given way and more importantly would they get everyone out in time? Would he get to mum in time?
Paws thudded against damp earth as the two dragons emerged from the tunnels. Instantly they took to the air, wings beating and claws racking at the sky as they rose. Thunder clouds were looming over head and an ominous rumbling filled the air around Zoltar as he and Mouzan race towards the distant village. The smell of wet moss and fresh dirt filled the air; rain was on its way.
Zoltar scanned the ground. With a jolt of fear he realized there were cracks slashed through the earth below. They hadn’t been there this morning. They didn’t have days to evacuate the village. It was a matter of hours, even minutes before it would be too late.
He caught sight of Mouzan casting him a worried stare, the terror shining in his eyes. Zoltar nodded at his brother. They both knew that they had precious time before tragedy struck.
Without warning a sharp pain sliced up his spine and Zoltar let out a roar of agony. His body seized up and he was sent reeling towards earth as a cruel wind stung his eyes and bit at his wings.
“Zoltar,” Mouzan cried, tucking his wings and diving after his plummeting brother, “Almost there. Just hold on.” He shouted over the roaring wind as he grasped desperately for his brother, “Reach for my paw. Zoltar!”
Zoltar was barely aware of what was going on around him the pain was so intense. Everything was blurred and from what seemed some distance away he could hear his name being called. A figure swam into view, reaching for him. It was Mouzan.
Mouzan grabbed his paw, locking talons. There was a sudden jerk as he thrust out his wings and caught the air, slowing their fall.
They dropped to the ground with a thud. Mouzan released his grasp as Zoltar collapsed, his whole body ridged as wave after wave of pain raced up his back.
“Zoltar! Zoltar can you hear me?” Mouzan roared, slapping his paw across Zoltar’s snout, trying to break through his pain.
“Y-y-you carry o-on,” Zoltar finally managed to gasp for where he lay coiled into a tight ball. His sides were heaving as his whole body shook with spasms. He kept having flashes of red and gold across his vison and explosions thundered in his ears. Suddenly a mountain loomed in front of him, its peak a blaze with scarlet fire. Burning rocks of roaring flame fell from the crimson sky. Screams pierced the air around him as black smoke choked his lungs. Then just as quickly as it had appeared the image disappeared and the pain vanished.
“What? And leave you here like this? You must be delusional,” Mouzan said.
“You m-must go on,” Zoltar hissed through gritted teeth, “We don’t have much time. It’s coming.”
“What? What’s coming?” Mouzan asked, his voice starting to shake.
They both looked towards the distant shadow of Mount Mokewtu.
Suddenly a thundering boom shook the air around them as the ground began to shake. Both Shadow Talons watched in horror as the entire north side of the Mount Mokewtu collapsed in a tsunami of molten rock and ash. Smoke roared from the great fissure, pouring out the mountain and up in a giant mushroom cloud. Lighting flashed in its depths as it spread, blotting out the sun and sky. No sound broke the deafening howl of the volcano as it engulfed the Shadow Talon village in a cloud of smoke and fire.
Nothing moved. It was over.
“No,” Zoltar whispered, crumpling like a wilting flower. His eyes were squeezed shut, but still the tears flowed. His chest hurt like something was squeezing every rib in his body. A strange chill had passed over him and he was shaking. It was over. Everything, everyone was gone. His mother, his father, even his little sister in her egg was gone.
He looked over at Mouzan, blinking through the tears. His brother was just standing there, his face as hard as stone. No emotion crossed his face as he slowly sank to the ground. He curled up into a ball and covered his face with his wings. A quiet whimpering was all that could be heard from the ball of scales.
Zoltar turned back towards the mountain. Great plumes of smoke were still rising from the mountain as rivers of glowing orange lava streamed down its sides, but there was nothing left to destroy. Everything he cared about …his home… his family… his friends… were gone forever, lost to the volcano. What was he going to do now? There was nowhere to go. Even now as he stood here, ash was starting to cover the landscape around him. Nothing would survive. Were the Shadow Talons destined to go extinct?
A great sigh escaped his jaws as he surveyed what only a few minutes ago had been a thriving community. What was going to happen to him, Mouzan and the Shadow Talons left?
There was a flurry of wing beats and he slowly turned to find that Scorpus and Hisster had arrived.
“What happened?” Scorpus asked, his eyes filled with horror.
Zoltar knew there was no need to answer as his commander sank to the ground beside him, grief stricken. Silent tears slowly trickled from the old warrior’s eyes. It was the first time Zoltar had ever seen him cry.
Hisster stood just a little way off, neither moving nor speaking. He just stared out at the burning pools of lava. The light of the fires reflected into his eyes, causing them to shine a smouldering red. Zoltar couldn’t imagine how he must be feeling. He’d had a wife and three young dragonets. All had perished in the flames.
As the evening drew near and the sun began to sink behind the billowing clouds of black smoke, neither dragon moved. Even as day turned to night they stayed, staring out at what once had been their home.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello again!
I'm glad you go straight to the point with establishing the urgency of the situation and what needs to be done for the characters to survive. The scene where Zoltar became injured and was encouraging Mouzan to leave him very much fit in with the tone the story has adopted now that problem has been made clear.
I admit that due to their shortness, the chapters kinda feel rushed, but are still very much enjoyable. Zoltar, Mouzan, Hisser, and Scorpus' reactions to what they witnessed was well done, as well Zoltar's emotions as he thought about everyone and everything he'd just lost.
Nothing to creaky critique for me here, so I'll move onto the next chapter.
Keep writing!
Thank you.
Back again!
Nooo, they're gone already. ;-; I think this was a much better way to show the destruction of the Shadow Talons than last time - it feels more immediate and more devastating, especially after they had just been walking through the marketplace, perfectly fine and happy.
They both know that Hisster isn't exactly kind - Zoltar was just thinking about it - so the last sentence is pretty redundant.
In general, where you show Zoltar's thoughts, I feel like you could cut a lot of it and still get across the same information/emotions. The paragraphs of questions slow the narrative down at a point where it should be pretty snappy and don't do more to emphasize his worry than just one or two would.
This paragraph should be a moment of horror and terror for the readers - we need to feel Zoltar's shock. Your description is definitely vivid and well-done, but there are a few things you can do to make it more intense.
First, eliminate words like "suddenly," "began," or anything else that takes away from the immediacy of the event. This is happening now, unfolding before our eyes. Also (and this is a good writing tip in general) get rid of "filter words." These are words that remind the reader they're watching this through someone else's eyes, which distances the reader from the narrative - so in this case, "Both Shadow Talons watched in horror" is actually distracting. Instead, we need to feel the horror based on the way Zoltar describes what's happening. Second, break up the the paragraph if you can - shorter paragraphs always make action more snappy. Finally, use vivid, disturbing verbs. You do it pretty well already ("Smoke roared" is my favorite in this paragraph), but others like "spread" and "engulfed" have weaker connotations.
Out of interest, does lightning really flash when a volcano explodes? You might want to check that, because I'm not sure.
I really want to know why Zoltar had that seizure. I'm guessing it's not the sort of thing that's just going to vanish from the story and never show up again.
And that's all I've got!
Thank you for the review. It's great to see you again. Thanks for the insight. I'll get to editing as soon as possible.


About lightning flashing through the smoke when the volcano erupted, yes that really does happen sometimes with real volcanoes. It's so cool and scary at the same time.
Zoltar's seizure is going to be quite an important part to the story as we go on.
Thanks again.