Hello again!
Now since I suggested you cut out the part in the previous chapter about the dragons falling asleep, at the start of this chapter include like one line only about the fact that Zoltar is asleep. Not how or when he fell asleep, just maybe a where. Like "Zoltar fell asleep with the others [here]." and then one line of transition into this dream so it doesn't come out of nowhere. Like "it was hard for him to get comfortable and he slept fitfully."
Only I'm sure you can make it prettier than that But the goal is simple. You want the focus of the chapter to be the dream, not what leads up to the dream.
The blizzard howled, tugging at Zoltar’s wings like a pack of wild wolves as he fought to make his way towards the shadowy figure of the ice talon’s palace ahead. Digging his sharp claws into the hard icy ground he slowly inched forward, squeezing his eyes shut to block out the jagged shards of snow spiking through the air.
I think you get a touch overboard with descriptions here.
"The blizzard howled, tugging at Zoltar's wings as he fought to make his way towards the ice talon's palace ahead. Digging his sharp claws into the hard, icy ground, he slowly inched forward, squeezing his eyes shut to block out the torrential snow."
Basically the same as yours except I took out a few of the descriptions. To me, you achieve the same effect and you get the same information across, but it's less distracting. There's so much going on with those descriptions and there's so much to think about you can kind of get lost in that and forget about the big picture.
“But you were banished … you hate the queen. Why are you doing this?” Zoltar pleaded, his head wirling. ‘She’d been banished from the Ice Kingdom and had sworn revenge against the queen. Why was she defending the queen now?’
You repeated the same information we learned in the dialogue in his thoughts. If you want to get into his thoughts here (which isn't a bad idea) describe. "Zoltar couldn't figure out why she was against him/why she was so angry" or something like that.
“I thought you were my friend,” Zoltar hissed angrily, raising his barbed tail, ready to strike her down, “I let you in and then you just strike me down at my weakest point. I thought you were different,” Zoltar glared at Felistia, pain burning in his amethyst eyes and like the faint whisper of a frozen lake he hissed, “but I guess you are just like any other dragon that’s ever hurt me. I should have known better.”
This is a touch melodramatic. How did he let her in? How is this is weakest point? When did he think she was different? And how is she like any other dragon that's hurt him? Who else has hurt him?
And didn't he do the same to her? She let him in. She trusted him. And then he turned around, went behind her back and stole from her people. She has every reason to be angry. I know this is only a dream, but it goes back to a point I made in a previous chapter about not always understanding his thought processes. Why does this mission have to be a big secret? If he knows that she is against the queen, wouldn't he reason that she might be on board with doing something against the queen? Therefore, why wouldn't he tell her an enlist her help? She'll know more about how to get this thing than he will.
“Things change. I told you that I wasn’t to be trusted and this is what you get for being so naïve. I mean seriously! Wisp talons and shadow talons living together? What world are you living in?” Felistia barked, tripping Zoltar with her tail.
When did she ever tell him she couldn't be trusted? And you said "wisp talons" here. Don't you mean ice talons?
I liked this dream. It was interesting and exciting and now I'm most excited to discover what Zoltar is going to do now after waking up from this dream. I'm really curious to see if it's going to inform his decision making at all. (I hope it does!)
As always, let me know if you have any questions/if anything was confusing, and I'll see you soon!
Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162
Donate