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Young Writers Society



Quest for Fire ~ Chapter 2 ~ The Legend is Real

by felistia


Zoltar rushed home towards the Shadow Lands. The wind from his wings churning the ocean as he soared low over the dark waters. A mountain loomed in front of him, its peak a blazing fury of scarlet and gold fire. Black clouds of chest burning ash spewed from the volcano's gaping mouth.

Small tears ran down Zoltar’s snout as he neared home. His heart felt like teeth where tearing at it from the inside, while his stomach felt like a boiling pool of sulfur. He didn’t know whether to be angry or sad. The two emotions seemed to be waging their own war inside of him, each battling for dominance. All he knew was that the attack had not been an accident. That creature had been following orders and had chased them into an ambush. The Wisp Talons were to blame for Scorpus and Mowzan’s deaths. The more he focused on the attack, the more angrier Zoltar felt. Why had the Wisp Talons attacked them? They hadn’t been doing anything wrong.

As if in agreement, the volcano rumbled and belched out more streams of molten rock. The rivers of glowing crimson lava twisted over the bleak landscape like snakes on their way to the sea. Caves potted the matted black hills of rock. Ash and sulfur clouded the scorching air. The foul gasses raked Zoltar's chest with toxic claws, causing him to cough and gasp.

Zoltar carefully landed on a slab of solid rock next to one of the numerous caverns carved out of the landscape. There was not another Shadow Talon in sight as the evening's long fingers crept over the desolate plain.

It was never a good idea to stay out at night on these magma strewn rocks. Packs of ravenous Flytang raptors hunted by the light of the lava flows and would take down anything they could find; big or small. 

Zoltar flinched as a grey mouse ran over one of his claws. His stomach growled with hunger, but the thought of blood made his stomach churn like a raging sea. Sighing, he ducked inside the cave, relieved to be out of the intense heat.

Glowing fire rocks lit up the tunnel, their red light flickering in the murky darkness. Stale air clouded the passages. The floor felt rough under Zoltar’s scaly paws unlike the soft, green grass he longed for. He wished that the Shadow Talons could move back up onto the surface, but the air up there was just too blisteringly hot and could kill a dragon in hours. In these endless caverns the air was unpleasantly warm, but not fatal.

As Zoltar voyaged deeper underground, he passed many dark passageways that snaked off in many different directions. All was quiet in the corridor apart from the clacking of his claws on the rock. Three years ago the volcano had killed over half the tribe in an eruption, so lots of the tunnels and rooms Zoltar passed were empty. The air around him felt hauntingly still like the souls of those who were lost were still wandering the tunnels as silent ghosts. The tribe had moved as far away from the volcano as possible to reduce the risk of another disaster, though there was still the looming possibility that the volcano would belch out another massive eruption and take the rest of the Shadow Talons lives with it.

A shiver ran down Zoltar's spine as he remembered that dreadful day three years ago when the mountain had opened and spewed flaming death down on the Shadow Talon city below. They hadn't stood a chance against rivers of lava once they’d crashed into their houses and the ones who'd managed to get into the air had been knocked out of the sky by the burning boulders flying through the air. If it hadn't been for Scorpus demanding that he join the soldiers on their trip to gather food, he would have been killed just like the rest of his village. The thought caused a new wave of tears to fall from Zoltar’s eyes. Scorpus had always been there for him, comforting him when the other dragonets made fun of him or training him to become a soldier. Now he was gone forever, lost to the winds of time. Taken by the Wisp Talons.

Zoltar sniffed, wiping away his tears. The chief wanted soldiers to ignore personal grief and focus on completing the mission. Entering the throne room with tears streaking down your snout was the exact opposite of what he should do. Scorpus would want him to be strong and deliver the information like a proper soldier.

He passed another cavern, but unlike the others, this one had a Shadow Talon inside. She was curled up around a pile of mouse fur and clumps of fresh dirt. There was a single black egg nestled in the nest. It looked almost ready to hatch. 

Zoltar realized with a stab of worry that there was no father in sight. This probably meant he'd been killed on one of the expeditions for new land. 

The female guarding the nest was in a sorry state herself and was heavily emaciated. Zoltar felt a wave of guilt pass over him. He'd been able to get a decent amount of food since he'd become a soldier and was able to venture out of the Shadow Lands on missions.

He looked back at the egg by it's mothers side.  There was little chance of the dragonet inside surviving with it's mother in such poor condition. It had become a sad, but familiar sight since the eruption.

Sighing, Zoltar moved on. 

Finally he reached the end of the tunnel, which finished in a large room lit by many scarlet fire stones. In the middle of the room was a beautiful gold throne with a hefty, black Shadow Talon the size of a bull elephant seated on it. His violet, curved horns glinted like polished glass and his poisonous barbed tail rested like a waiting snake next to his throne. He narrowed his cat like eyes as Zoltar walked into the room. Zoltar spread his wings elegantly and bowed, waiting for the dragon's commands, just as Scorpus had taught him.

"What news do you bring of the island?" the chief asked in a deep rumbling voice, staring at Zoltar with his glowing eyes.

"Scorpus was killed,” Zoltar blurted, just the mention of Scorpus’s death causing his chest to tighten. A tide of emotions was throwing its self against his heart and it took every ounce of his will power to control his feelings. 

After a few seconds to recompose himself, Zoltar continued, “So was Mowzan.” This time there was a touch of steel on the edge of his voice. No emotions cascading against his chest. There was nothing. In his heart of hearts Zoltar knew why. He was glad Mowzan was gone. That dragon had been the bane of his life since he’d be a hatchling. But a part of him felt bad for Mowzans death. He probably had a family some were in the Shadow Lands. They would suffer now that he wasn't there to provide for them. 

A sigh escaped Zoltar's throat before could continue, “We were investigating the island like you instructed,” Zoltar started, trying to sound as formal as possible under the circumstances, “By sundown we’d found nothing. I strongly suggested to the others that we should r-return.”

Zoltar’s voice started to waver and he had to force down the torrent of emotions sweeping through his head. Taking a deep breath, he continued, “Despite my warnings, Scorpus and Mowzan decided that it would be best if we carried on a bit longer. The sun had just about set when we heard a roar come from the east side of the island.” 

Shivers ran down Zoltar’s spine, “Once again I told them that we should turn back, but still they didn’t listen. Instead they decided to follow the sound. We were ambushed by a panther like beast. It was t-ten times our size and much faster. It d-d-drove us into an a-a-ambush."  Zoltar realized he was starting to stutter and tried to stomp down the feelings building inside him.

“Mowzan and S-S-Scorpus were killed… by W-Wisp Talons,” A growl escaped Zoltars throat as a thin tear ran down his snout. It was the Wisp Talons fault that Scorpus had been killed and he'd make them pay with their lives. He desperately tried to look like he wasn’t upset, but the tears just wouldn’t stay down. Sniffing, he wiped his eyes.

“Wait,” the chief hissed, “Go back to the part about the panther. Describe what it looked like again.”

Zoltar stood there for a second in bewilderment. Wasn’t Hisster going to yell at him about what a shameful soldier he was? He shook his head in amazement, but did as the chief asked, “Well…it was about five times larger than you and had a very cat-like build. It was covered from head to talon in these kind of diamond black scales all the way down to its spear-like tail,” Zoltar swallowed the lump building his throat, the image of what he’d encountered streaking vividly through his mind. Red glowing eyes staring straight into your soul and sharp bat-like ears tracking every move he made. A shiver ran down his spine. Nothing in this world could have be worse than that encounter.

Zoltar looked back up at Hisster to find that the Shadow Talon had started to tremble. A strange red light had come into his eyes and his tail was lashing dangerously back and forth.

“Are you okay?” Zoltar asked in a whisper. The only time he’d see Hisster like this had been after the volcano eruption had wiped out over half the tribe, including his own family. It had been a tragic day for many Shadow Talons. Ever dragon in the tribe had lost a loved one. Hisster had never been the same since.

Hisster growled, whispering, “I thought it was a legend. This means they are stronger than we thought

“What? What is it?” Zoltar asked anxiously.

“Follow me,” Hisster ordered, getting up from his throne. He strode past Zoltar, his back spines bristling. Zoltar followed him up the tunnel, curiosity willing him to go faster. 

All the way Hisster growled and muttered angrily to himself, “It can’t be. It’s not possible. It was supposed to be gone.”

Finally they turned down another tunnel into a huge library piled to the ceiling with shelves and shelves of scrolls. The air was filled with the pleasant smell of musty books. The books had always been kept underground to keep them safe from the rain that had once showered the plains. They were the one thing that had been spared during the eruption.

Hisster marched past Zoltar over to a section labelled: Myths and Legends. He stood there scanning the rolls of brown paper until he pulled out an old, dusty scroll. He blew on it softly, sending a cloud of fine dust floating through the air. Hisster gently opened the document and proceeded to skim over the contents. After a few minutes he inhaled sharply and let out a small snarl.

“What is it?” Zoltar asked longingly. His insides felt like they were being slowly eaten.

“What you happened to encounter was a creature called an Exltron. It’s said that the Wisp Talons have managed to tame it and use it to keep dragons off their land,” Hisster began, his voice laced with irritation as he took the scroll and placed it back on the shelf, “I already knew of this before sending you to the island, but since it was thought to be a folklore to keep dragons from landing on the island I took no notice of it. Apparently that wasn’t the case.”

Zoltar gritted his teeth and his tail barb trembled. Hisster had sent them to the island knowing that they might run into an ambush and didn’t even have the decency to warn them about it. Even now he didn’t even have the grace to look the least bit guilty about it. 

He took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. There was a touch of steel in his voice when he spoke again, “Sir, I really think we need back up. We don’t have enough dragons to take over this island.” Anger clinched his heart as he thought about the Wisp Talons and how Hisster could have warned Scorpus about what he and his group were getting into.

“True. We have been looking for an island for the last three years and I know that during that time we’ve lost a lot of good soldiers. We'll go to the Forbidden Hills to see the Howler Dragons. They'll be able to get rid of that Exltron and those Wisp Talons.” Hisster snarled, throwing back his head defiantly.

A strange coldness swept over Zoltar at the mention of the Howler Dragons, “But sir, bringing the Howler Dragons into it could just make things worse. You know what happened to the Lightning Talons. I really don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Zoltar, I know that you are just trying to help, but I know a lot more than you. We are going to the Howler dragons and you’re coming with me, like it or not. The other soldiers are still away scouting for new islands,” Hisster growled, striding out of the room

Raking his talons against the hard lava floor, Zoltar hissed under his breath, “Fine, but when this all goes south, I am not pulling you out of the muck.”


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Sun Feb 26, 2017 8:20 pm
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Featherstone wrote a review...



Heyo! Fea here to review!

First, I love how the story is developing, and can't wait to read more! The only criticism I have are nitpicks.

"His heart felt like teeth where tearing at it from the inside, while his stomach felt like a boiling pool of sulfur." Instead of where, were; I think it would flow more smoothly if instead it was phrased: "...while his stomach was like a boiling pool of sulfur" so it isn't so repetitive.

"...the more angrier Zoltar felt." The more angry or the angrier.

"He passed another cavern, but unlike the others, this one had a Shadow Talon inside." Maybe add a comma after the 'but'

"...and was heavily emaciated." Using 'heavily' to describe 'emaciated' seems a bit odd to me. Perhaps something like sharply emaciated?

"He looked back at the egg by it's mothers side." It's should be its. Using an apostrophe with it makes it it is. Same with the following sentence.

"He narrowed his cat like eyes as Zoltar walked into the room." Cat-like.

"the chief asked in a deep rumbling voice, staring at Zoltar with his glowing eyes." I'd remove the his in 'his glowing eyes,' but of course it's just personal preference.

"But a part of him felt bad for Mowzans death." Mowzan's.

"...ambushed by a panther like beast." Panther-like.

"Hisster growled, whispering, 'I thought it was a legend. This means they are stronger than we thought.'" It is just missing the last period and quotes.

"All the way Hisster growled and muttered angrily to himself," this should be a period or a colon instead of a comma, I think.

"There was a touch of steel in his voice when he spoke again," same as the last one.

Again, good plot, good characters.

Good writing!

Feather




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Sun Feb 12, 2017 2:54 pm
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erilea wrote a review...



Heya, felistia! Lupa here for a review on Quest for Fire! :D Let's begin...

1) "Black clouds of chest burning ash spewed from the volcano's gaping mouth." This sentence here doesn't really make sense to me. "Black clouds of chest"? I suggest taking out the word "chest" because I think that's added in there by mistake.

2) "All he knew was that the attack had not been an accident." How does Zoltar know that? He claims that the attack was arranged by someone, but what details tell him that? Make those reasons clear to the reader so they understand why he's thinking that way.

3) For a few paragraphs in the middle of your chapter, all there is is background information. It's vital to the story (or at least I think it is), but putting it all in one chunk there doesn't do much to help the reader's eyesight. :) Throw in some action from Zoltar (peering into the rooms, going down the halls, etc.) to divide it up better.

4) "Zoltar asked longingly. His insides felt like they were being slowly eaten." Your word choice is quite funny here. "Longingly" isn't the word I would use to describe the feeling of your insides being eaten. Why is Zoltar wanting something? Right now, he sounds like he wants the book that Hisster is holding, but that doesn't seem quite right.

5) Is it just me, or does Hisster sound like "Hitler?" :P

Anyway, I think Hisster isn't a very realistic character. The way you paint him, he sounds like a brash, unreasonable dragon with very little sense of danger. From what I read, Howler Dragons seem pretty dangerous. But Hisster decides to go to them anyway. Is there any caution in him? If so, enunciate it a little bit. I don't see any trace of it right now.

Your chapter was very beautifully written. Zoltar is a very relateable character, and the description of all the settings were wonderful. I would love to see more, and I know you've got more. :D Keep writing, felistia--you're good at it!

XOX,
Lupa22




felistia says...


Thank for the review. I'll get to editing as soon as possible. :D



erilea says...


You're so welcome!



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Tue Feb 07, 2017 10:07 pm
SacredPen wrote a review...



"I'm trying to play Game of War, but this one player keeps kicking my ass."
"Is it TheLegend27?"
"Yeah! TheLegend27!"
- If you don't know, you're too far gone.

SO. Number one, thank you for giving me a decent idea just how big these dragons are. It eliminates the previous concern I had pertaining to their size relative to their strength. Other than that, I like the fact that Zoltar has at least one emotion other than "constantly fearful", and it gives depth to his character because he's more than a wimp; he's a LOGICAL wimp. Not only that, but the fact that the Wisp Talons have got their hands on something that makes even the greatest of the Shadow Talons shake under his scales really brings me to the edge of my seat.

Unfortunately, now the review.

Primarily, the issue of their living space. They live in a tunnel of some sort to escape from blistering heat that could "kill them in hours". I've read that a human will die in roughly an hour from temperatures as low as 140 degrees Fahrenheit, but these dragons live either directly underneath or relatively close to a volcano, which reaches temperatures up to 2,200 degrees Fahrenheit.

The first question I have is if the temperature outside is high enough to kill dragons in hours, how did Zoltar not die on his mission, and if it's due to the location being a short distance away, then how come the Wisp Talons' territory is so close to the Shadow Talons'? Not only that, but the Wisp Talons apparently live on an island somewhere, and if my knowledge of landscape is correct, that means they're in some type of post-apocalyptic Hawaii or something for volcanoes and islands to be so close to each other that it doesn't take a minimum of three hours travel time to go there and get back.

Where do the Shadow Talons live, where do the Wisp Talons live, and approximately how long does it take to get to point A to point B?

Second, why were the Shadow Talons going into Wisp Talon territory anyway? Considering the nature of animals (I assume these are feral dragons with some semblance of intelligence; correct me if I'm wrong), isn't it odd to say that they did nothing wrong when they basically just sent a stealthy attack team onto their land? Even if their intentions weren't to harm anyone, it still seems rather unorthodox to not only go into potential enemy territory with no idea how the landscape or artillery they possess works, but to also go into potential enemy territory without a mission objective and not expect resistance of some sort. It's almost as if the leader of the Shadow Talons has been stricken with logic-clouding levels of grief that destroys his good judgement and thus he should've been replaced. Either that, or this was premeditated on his part and he's just going to casually drag Zoltar with him into another shady situation.

Finally, who are the Lightning and Sea Talons? To my understanding, the latter died to Wisp Talons, the former to the Howler Dragons, and Zoltar has every right to not want to deal with them. If Hisster(I think that's his name) is afraid of the Wisp Talons, who eliminated the Sea Talons, why would he try to go to the Howler Dragons for help in dealing with an enemy they have no qualms with? Aren't the Howlers like, the top dogs of this world right now? No self-respecting powerhouse would lend its members to free food to fight in their puny little battles for new land.

Not only that, but if the hot air from the volcano kills dragons in a few hours, but creeping through forestry (which takes a while to do effectively, hence the "it's getting dark" from Chapter 1) doesn't kill them, wouldn't the acquisition of Wisp Talon land do literally nothing for anyone, as their land is likely still within kill range of the volcano? If it is in kill range, how come the Wisps aren't dead? If it isn't, then how close are the Howler Dragons for Hisster and Zoltar to be able to reach them, request assistance, receive it, implement the winnings, and thrive in safety within a reasonable span of time? Provided the Howler Dragons are close enough that it doesn't take over 3 hours to get there, how have the Howlers themselves not died from constant heat exposure?

That's all. I know I just went on a giant rant, but these are legitimate concerns that could significantly affect the plot in terms of its credibility. If you'd like to, please answer the above questions so I can enjoy the solace that comes from not worrying about heatstroke.

Bye!! ;)




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. I do see your point about the whole too hot thing.

First off, I think I should include a map in the first chapter as that might explain where all the places are that these dragons are move about in. The Wisp Talon's island is about a days flight away and so isn't effected by the volcano.

The shadow talons live in the farthest reaches of the shadow lands so the heat from the volcano isn't as harsh as right next to it. They don't live right under it.

The Howler dragons are much further away from the volcano so as the shadow talons are flying towards the howler dragons they're flying away from the volcano.

You'll find out about why the Howler dragons will help the Shadow Talons in the fifth chapter.

The wisp talons never hurt the sea talons. It was the shadow talons that took the sea talons land. I need to rephrase that paragraph.

Thanks for the review and I hope I answered all your questions. Have a great day. :D



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Tue Feb 07, 2017 3:17 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D Let's get right to it!

The wind from his wings churning the ocean as he soar low over the dark waters.

"soared" instead of "soar"

All he knew was that the attack had not been an accident and that the Wisp Talons were to blame for Scorpus and Mowzan’s deaths.

How does he know it wasn't an accident? It's pretty obvious, but I'd still like to know Zoltar's thoughts about it.

The more he focused on it, the more angry Zoltar felt.

Specify what "it" is, and "angrier" rather than "more angry".

They hadn’t been doing anything wrong.

"they hadn't done anything" - more concise that way :)

His stomach growled with hunger, but somehow the thought of blood just made his stomach churn like a raging sea.

I think this could be more concise too, hence the slashes.

though there was still the looming possibility that the volcano would belch out another massive eruption and take the rest of the Shadow Talons lives with it.

I liked this little addition. I don't know if anything will come from this plot wise, like if the volcano will erupt again or it really will be a threat to them, but that doesn't matter. Just the threat of something bad happening makes the plot juicer :) You're doing a really good job layering the plot so far in this draft!

A shiver ran down Zoltar's spine as he remembered that dreadful day three years ago when the mountain had opened and spewed flaming death down on the Shadow Talon city below. They hadn't stood a chance against rivers of lava once they’d crashed into their houses and the ones who'd managed to get into the air had been knocked out of the sky by the burning boulders flying through the air. If it hadn't been for Scorpus demanding that he join the soldiers on their trip to gather food, he would have been killed just like the rest of his village. The thought caused a new wave of tears to fall from Zoltar’s eyes. Scorpus had always been there for him, comforting him when the other dragonets made fun of him or training him to become a soldier. Now he was gone forever, lost to the winds of time. Taken by the Wisp Talons.

I was about to say ew get rid of this paragraph because info-dumping, but I actually think it works great. Even though you're telling us about a previous event, you keep it concise and to the critical details. Then, you related it back to Scorpus which is perfect because I want his death to feel important and big and showing how he's helped Zoltar or impacted Zoltar in the past helps the reader see how important he was and how big this loss really is.

He knew that the chief demanded that a soldier ignore personal grief and focus on completing the mission.

This could also be more concise. Either "The chief wanted soldiers to ignore personal grief and focus on completing the mission" or "He knew he was supposed to ignore personal grief and focus on completing the mission"

He passed another cavern, but unlike the others, this one had a Shadow Talon. She was curled up around a pile of mouse fur and clumps of fresh dirt.

I feel like you need another word after "Shadow Talon". Maybe "inside"? Or you could do "this one held a Shadow Talon"

a hefty, black Shadow Talon about the size of a bull elephant seated on it.

You don't need "about"

He was glad Mowzan was gone. That dragon had been the bane of his life since he’d be a hatchling.

Half of me sort of loves that Zoltar has no mercy for this dragon ;) The other half of me wonders if he feels a little bad. I mean, the Shadow Talons numbers are diminishing and they're going to need soldiers. Even if Mowzan was a jerk, he was still part of the team, right?

It d-d-drove us into an a-a-ambush. Zoltar realized he was starting to stutter and tried to stomp down the feelings building inside him, but it didn’t work this time.

You forgot an end quotation mark. I don't think you need "but it didn't work this time". All we need to see is that he's trying to calm himself down. It'll become clear that it doesn't work as we read on.

Not one dragon in the tribe hadn’t lost a loved one.

This is a lot of negatives. How about "Every dragon in the tribe lost a loved one."

Hisster growled threateningly,

I'm not sure "threateningly" is a word :) Even if it is, I don't think you need it. I think most growls could be interpreted as threatening.

It’s said that the Wisp Talons have managed to tame it and use it to help dragons off their land,”

I think you need one more verb in there "help keep", or you could just say "to keep dragons off"

Hisster began, his voice laced with irritation as he took the scroll and placing it back on the shelf,

"placed" rather than "placing"

He'd once been against this island take over because of what had happened the the Sea Talons. The Sea Talons had never done anything to the Shadow Talons and he'd once thought the same about the Wisp Talons, but now he knew the Wisp Talons deserved to have their land taken.

There's so much "Talons" my mind is spinning :p I would condense this a lot. I like the seed you've planted about the Sea Talons, but I would consider planting in later. It feels confusing to go back and forth Sea to Wisp in this paragraph. Plus, at this exact moment, I want to focus on the Wisp Talons and Zoltar's anger about them and his drive to do something about it. He can think about consequences and his moral and things later once he's settled down a bit :)

“Zoltar, I know that you are just trying the help,

"to" instead of "the" :)

That was a lot of nitpicks so lets talk more generally now :)

Overall, I think your writing has grown leaps and bounds from when I first started reading your work. I can tell that you've put a lot of thought into this draft and into shaping the plot. Reading it, I feel like you have a plan and you know where things are going which makes me excited to see where things are going :)

I really didn't have a lot of qualms about this chapter. I still dig your descriptions and I love that you took the time to show where they live. I loved the detail you added about the mother watching over her egg and that both of them will probably die because of the poor conditions at their base right now. It makes sense that they're looking for a new place to live. I think I remember that being a qualm of mine in the last draft - that here Zoltar and friends were going to all of this trouble find a new place for the Shadow Talons but I couldn't remember ever learning why that was so important.

The only thing that struck me as a bit odd was Zoltar's dialogue with Hisster. At first he's nervous and stumbling over his words and his inner monologue is all about how he needs to show reverence and respect for his elder. I'm sure part of the stumbling and stuff is just the trauma and the shock of what he's just experienced. But by the end of the conversation he's telling his boss what to do and almost giving him attitude (Zoltar hissed under his breath, “Fine, but when this all goes south, I am not pulling you out of the muck.”). That's kind of a jump and it surprised me.

Overall though, I'm liking this story so far and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes next! I do have some memories about the general trajectory of the plot, but I'm curious to see how you've built it and changed it in this draft!

Let me know if you have any questions or if you want feedback about something I didn't mention, and I'll see you soon in chapter 3! :D




felistia says...


Thank you so much for another review. I'll get to editing as soon as I can.

I'll work on Zoltar dialogue a bit, but the reason he changed from respectful to demanding was because of the fact that Hisster didn't warn them about the dangers on the island. So Zoltar feels that Hisster is responsible for Mowzan and Scorpus's deaths. I guess I need to emphasize that a bit more as is it a bit ambiguous.

Thanks again and I hope you have a great day. :D



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Tue Jan 31, 2017 5:02 pm
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Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there felistia. I realize now in hindsight, that yellow wasn't the best color to type the welcome greeting out in. Anyways, it's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
I think I want to talk a bit on characters for this review and I'm going to be hanging around for awhile, so all my points will eventually be covered.

Characters
1. This chapter pretty mush assures to me that Zoltar is going to be the main character and will most likely survive. Or if he doesn't, he'll be the hero that goes down and remains in history forever. An underdog hero is a sort of hard character to play because you want them to be so strong but you also have to have them be very weak personalities at first. The hatred for other soldiers is a sort of good touch, to just show how much he has gone through to get to this point. Very important thing for an underdog hero to be tortured emotionally.

2. Even though Scorpus is dead as of this chapter, I feel like there's going to be more flashbacks to him, since he played such a large role in Zoltar's life and military career. At least, that's the feel I'm getting off of him, like an Obi Wan sort of character. You think he's dead but instead his eternal spirit is guiding the hero to the end of the line (saving the world?).

3. Hisster (that's his name right?) seems like a sort of jerk but somebody who has to be really messed up to be that much of a jerk. Losing his family accounts for some of the emotionally damaged part of this character but I feel like there was also some war during his young career. And that maybe he and Zoltar are going to have a moment of explanation, like he was a young soldier during a war and saw his commander/mentor get murdered in front of him. I don't know how accurate that is, it's just one idea that keeps coming back me.

Typos
1. Normally I wouldn't complain about these or even think about putting a section in my review, but they're really starting to be a hindrance to the reader. The mistakes are happening most often in your dialogue as compared to the rest of the text, so I really recommend focusing there. I think it may also be that you're copy/paste these from somewhere else and the formatting it getting messed up. I know the publishing center can do all sorts of things to the text when it copies over, just make sure to be a bit more vigilant about checking.

Good-Bye
That's all I have to say for now. Probably going to talk about the descriptions and settings and stuff in the next review.
Good day and good luck.
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. :D

About the typos, I'll be sure to check when ever I copy over onto the publish center. (didn't know it changed stuff)

Thanks so much for the idea when it comes to Hisster. That's a great idea and I'll be sure to add it in later on in the story.

I do hope you'll keep reading. The first 6 chapters are my worst as they're were added on only about a year ago when someone mentioned that there needed to be more beginning information before starting the story. So the first 6 chapters are about 4 drafts behind the rest of the story.

Thanks again and I hope you have a great day. :D



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Tue Jan 31, 2017 12:17 pm
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I've sort of decided I'm going to follow this novel, seeing as there's so many parts posted and I'm fresh in need of things to review. Hope that's okay! I decided to start with this chapter, though I did read the previous chapter.

So, something I really liked about this was your descriptions. Particularly the way they set the tone of the story. The one that still stands out in my mind is as he's flying back and the volcano rumbles, and it just creates this nice moody atmosphere. I think in editing you could really take it to the next level by pruning and a careful choice of words.

I noticed throughout that there were a lot of grammar errors and things like "where" instead of "were," the sorts of typos that don't come up in a spellchecker very well. So I'm guessing that this is a pretty rough draft and I won't worry too much about them. (That said, if you feel like you don't really understand some aspect of grammar, just shout and I'd be happy to try to help you figure it out.)

Right now, I'm not sure what the Wisp Talons are. It seems to say they aren't dragons, but I doubt they're humans, so my current guess is some sort of griffin.

Zoltar is interesting as a character. It's like he thinks he's timid and cowardly, and he sort of acted like that in the face of danger (though he was more being cautious than anything), but the way he talks says to me that he's far from timid - how he protested the decision to keep going in the first chapter, and especially how he argues with Hisster at the end of this chapter. He also gets angry surprisingly easily. It's an interesting and a bit of an odd contradiction, and I feel like it makes for a really interesting character, although right now it feels a little inconsistent.

The other thing that surprises me is that he's willing to talk to his superior like that - it feels like they're more familiar than Zoltar's low rank would imply. And part of me has to ask why on earth they were living so close to a volcano. But this is only the second chapter - answers will come in time, I'm sure. :P

That's all I've got for now - sorry it was a little short, I'm equally short on time. I'll be back tomorrow for the next one!




felistia says...


Thank you so much for the review. This is still a rough draft grammar and punctuation wise as I'm probably going to change it up quite a bit in the coming weeks as people review.

On your question on the Wisp Talons, at the moment your not supposed to really know what they are as they're more of a myth then anything else. All of that will be explained later on in the story.


I agree that Zoltar can have some strange mood swings and while some of that is due to me having a bit of trouble with is character most of it is because he's juggling a lot of feelings and sometimes can lose his head for no reason.

I'm so happy you like my descriptions. Whenever I finish the book and it's time for editing I'll go back and pay more attention to specific words and things like that.

I do hope you'll carry on reviewing my story as I mostly need help with character and plot development.

Thanks again and I hope you have a great day.




she slept with wolves without fear, for the wolves knew there was a lion among them.
— r.m. drake