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Quest for Fire ~ Chapter 17 ~ Meeting the Outsiders

by felistia


It was early dawn. The last of the moon’s silver light streaked across the cobalt sky. The suns yellow razes was just starting peak over the mountains, a ribbon of red and pink waves steadily climbing up the sky like the tide drifting up a beach.

The wind whistled in Zoltar’s ears as he soared over the island’s marigold orange forests. Emerald evergreens were dappled all over the carpet of amber trees like stains in a tapestry. Flocks of wild geese could be seen leaving the island and flying south to lands outside the continent of Megalonia. Zoltar sometimes wondered what else was out there, beyond the horizon.

His heart was racing with an unknown excitement and everything around him seemed to be vibrating with joy. Now that the sun was up the whole forest seemed alive and the night’s fears had just washed away with the coming light. He was so relieved that Emerald had agreed to work with him. Now if only Felistia and Emerald would do the same.

In front of him pillars of rock towered over the jungle as he neared the coast.

“We’re nearly there,” Zoltar shouted, spotting the cave ahead. If Shiraku and Felistia were inside he'd bring them out to meet Emerald after he explained the reason for him being on the island. If he could, he'd really like it if he could get them to come with him on the quest, but that was a maybe for the moment. He still had to wait for their reactions to his news.

“Finally,” Emerald panted, her now sky blue scales shimmering in the new light, “Now hurry up. We need to get off the island quickly. The Fangtar will be looking for me once they notice I’m missing.”

“Wait here. I'll be out in a second,” Zoltar explained, swooping in through the vines covering the cave entrance. He tucked his wings and rolled away from the opening before springing back up. There was a loud thud behind him as dragon scales hit hard rock.

“Hey, that’s not fair,” growled Shiraku, lighting up her scales and filling the cave with turquoise light.

“I told you he wouldn’t fall for it again,” Felistia said from behind Shiraku.

Shiraku snorted irritably.

“How did you know I was coming?” Zoltar asked as he tried to contain his relief at seeing Felistia and Shiraku safe. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his chest.

“I could hear you’re noisy wing beats a mile away and see you through the vines. Have you seen how blatantly your black scales stand out against the sky? You look like a freaking bat flying around the Ice Talon kingdom. You should really work on your stealth skills during the day and talking about your stealth skills where were you last night. Why didn’t you come back last night for thunder bolts sake! You had us up all night worrying about you and then you come in here like nothing happened,” Shiraku roared, catapulting into Zoltar and knocking him to the floor. “You owe me a big apology,” Shiraku hissed, holding Zoltar down with her paws.

“Okay, I’m sorry,” Zoltar laughed. He was so happy that Shiraku and Felistia cared about him enough to stay up worried, though he preferred Felistia’s approach by not pinning him to the floor.

“Get off him Shiraku. I’m sure there was good reason for him to have stayed out,” Felistia walked over the Shiraku and gently pulled her off Zoltar.

“Well he’d better explain it then,” Shiraku said, dramatically adding, “I’m all ears.”

Shiraku and Felistia’s eyes grew wider and wider as Zoltar told them the whole thing, the shadow lands, the Exltron, the Fangtars and finally the quest.

“You what!” Shiraku thundered when Zoltar had finished. Felistia quickly grabbed hold of Shiraku’s tail.

“Hey! Let go, I want to bite him, I want to get him!” Felistia held on without a word and Shiraku had settle with glaring at Zoltar.

“Yes, I am afraid I lied to you. I had to, it's Shadow Talon rules not let anyone know Shadow Talon plans. Felistia, you must understand the situation I’m in and the sacrifice I have made be telling you this.”

“Yes Zoltar I do understand, but it still hurts to be lied to,” Felistia sighed.

“But I trust you with the information, so it proves that you are my friends,” Zoltar started, but Shiraku glared at him and he sighed, “I understand if you don’t what to be around me anymore.”

“I didn’t say that, I just said that I’m a little wounded,” Felistia said.

“Well I am more than hurt, I’m infuriated. Ooo I really want to bite you right now!” Shiraku roared, pulling at her tail, but Felistia didn’t let go.

“I’m really, really sorry, okay. Make the choice over some dragons I just met and my tribe is hard.”

“SOME DRAGONS!” Shiraku thundered.

“Let me rephrase that,” Zoltar quickly backpedalled.

“SOME DRAGONS!” Shiraku lunged at Zoltar, breaking free of Felistia’s grip.

Zoltar yelp and twisted away from her. Shiraku charged after him, all the while yelling, “I am not some dragon, you squid breathed pin head!!!”

“Shiraku, stop that right now!!” Felistia yelled, swinging her tail to trip Shiraku, but she leapt over it and carried on running after Zoltar, shouting out threats about ripping his wings off.

“What is going on in here?” Emerald roared, swooping in through the vines and catapulting into Zoltar.

"Oh no," Zoltar cringed, staring at the still and silent Felistia and Shiraku, "here comes more yelling.”

“Who is that?” Shiraku spat, her ocean green eyes trained on Emerald.

“I should say the same thing,” Emerald growled back much to Zoltar’s surprise. “You’ve been terrorizing the Wisp Talons in my village and I do not appreciate it. What sort of dragon goes around scary other dragons and then stealing the prey they’ve caught? For heaven’s sake Zoltar, you could have told me that you were staying the two dragons that have been rampaging around the forest for the last four months.”

“Sorry,” Zoltar apologized, holding up his paws in protest, “How was I supposed to know that you guys have been getting on each other’s nerves?”

“Because I told you about them the first day we met!” Emerald yelled, waving her wings in exasperation. Rippling rivers of crimson and gold were rolling over her scales with the occasional splotch of pink.

Zoltar remained silent. He remembered now. She’d mentioned rampaging dragons to him while he’d been pinned to the forest floor. He hadn’t been paying attention to her at the time and had been more focused on saving his head.

“Well, can’t you guys make up and forget about it?” Zoltar asked after a few seconds. He really wanted to see if he could get Felistia and Shiraku to come with him on the quest. He was sure he had a few good reasons to get them to come with him.

“No!” shouted the combined forces of Emerald, Shiraku and Felistia.

“Okay then,” Zoltar backing away with his eye brows arched in surprise, “you guys work it out then, but hurry up. You said we had to get off the island as soon as possible.”

With a snort of irritation, Emerald turned away for Zoltar and face Felistia and Shiraku, “So I take it he told you his plan.”

“Mmm hhhmm,” Felistia and Shiraku growled, giving Zoltar a quick glare.

“Thought so after all that yelling. Look, I don’t have time to sit here shouting at strange dragons all day. I’m sure you had a reason for stealing the food and frankly it isn’t important enough that I’ll stand around shouting all day because of it. Zoltar and I have to leave the island as soon as possible. The Fangtar will be looking for us. There will be search parties all over the island looking for strange dragons. I’d highly advice you come with us, so can we just set aside our differences for now and sort them out after we’re off the island?" Emerald offered, shooting a significant you-owe-me-big-time look.

Felistia went silent as look of concentration crossed over her face, her eyes darting this way and that as she thought. Shiraku didn't bother with any thought process and simply roared, "NO! Absolutely not!"

Emerald rolled her eyes and cast a long look at Zoltar as if asking how on earth he had put up with this dragon. Zoltar shrugged and grinned. Shiraku was a pain, but she was nice when you got to know her a bit.

Felistia huffed a sigh and glared at Shiraku intently, "Come on Shiraku. What good does it do to carry on fighting with the Wisp Talon? She’s offering to help us."

"I like fighting. Haven't you be around me long enough to know that," Shiraku snapped back, her spines bristling as she hissed at Emerald, who looked as unfazed as a dragon could possible look. Felistia didn't reply to Shiraku's backlash and simply hissed at her in warning, her tail raised threateningly. Shiraku took a quick step back, a look of surprise on her face before growling, "Ok.....fine."

"I'm starting to like you," Emerald commented, offering her paw to Felistia in greeting.

"Just doing what I have too," Felistia replied, "Now Zoltar tell us more about this plan of your and why...umm."

"Emerald," Emerald said quickly.

"Ah okay...thanks. Why is Emerald coming with you?"

"Well. She was kind of the one that wanted to come along. I didn't really have much of a choice. It was either she went or my head went," Zoltar explained, grinning at Emerald, who giggled and shook her head, “I was hoping you guys would come along and maybe, if you want to, come live on the island once this is all said and done."

Felistia's face remand solid as stone, though Zoltar was sure he saw her eyes light up. Shiraku huffed, rolling her eyes.

"Come on. If you want, you guys can go back to your own tribes once we leave the island. I just don’t want you to stay here and get caught," Zoltar exclaimed. He still really hoped that they'd come, especially Felistia. He was starting too really like her.

"Okay, fine. You have me. Just so long as you promise to let us go our own ways if we want to," Felistia agreed. Shiraku nodded in agreement.

"Sure. Anything you want."

"Then it's settled," Felistia said, shaking paws with Zoltar to confirm his promise, "So when do we leave?"

Suddenly a great howler echoed though the forest below and the blood curdling sound of many voices penetrated the still air. The Fangtar were coming.


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Tue Feb 28, 2017 5:59 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey!

Soo, dialogue filled chapter! We get more of the character's shown through this.

I liked Shiraku's dialogue -- to an extent. After a while it did get a bit dramatic and "blurt"y, but I understand that sometimes Shiraku can be a little over the top. Maybe slowing down the scene a little can round it out and make it more realistic and make her anger feel more ... real? I'm not sure, maybe it's not in her character to react so slowly but even just taking the entire scene and putting it in a mild slo-mo machine might do the trick.

Also, if Shiraku could hear Zoltar's wings and see his black scales, how come she couldn't see/hear Emerald? Even maybe if when Emerald first comes in Shiraku can announce "I knew I heard two pairs of wings" or something like that could solve the little issue.

“Because I told you about them the first day we met!” Emerald yelled, waving her wings in exasperation. Rippling rivers of crimson and gold were rolling over her scales with the occasional splotch of pink.


I love this little part! 1) Beautiful imagery in the second sentence, and 2) I love the "waving her wings in exasperation" - the action of Emerald brings out what she's feeling. Though "exasperation" is in there and the phrase could be strengthened up by removing "exasperation" and maybe adding a second action (rolling eyes, puffed cheeks [can dragons do that?], etc) to show the reader that yes, definitely, Emerald is exasperated without actually using the word.

I'm glad their friendship - all of theirs - is growing! It makes me so happy and I'm glad Shiraku and Felistia are joining Emerald and Zoltar on the quest. Not so sure how they're going to get along, but, you know, team bonding? Haha.

~EternalRain




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Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:29 pm
RippleGylf wrote a review...



It's been way too long since I've had the pleasure of reading this story. :D

As a disclaimer, it's been a while, and I haven't gotten myself caught up. However, I am quite familiar with Zoltar as a character, and Felistia to a lesser extent.

It was early dawn. The last of the moon’s silver light streaked across the cobalt sky. The suns yellow razes was just starting peak over the mountains, a ribbon of red and pink waves steadily climbing up the sky like the tide drifting up a beach.

The wind whistled in Zoltar’s ears as he soared over the island’s marigold orange forests. Emerald evergreens were dappled all over the carpet of amber trees like stains in a tapestry. Flocks of wild geese could be seen leaving the island and flying south to lands outside the continent of Megalonia. Zoltar sometimes wondered what else was out there, beyond the horizon.

His heart was racing with an unknown excitement and everything around him seemed to be vibrating with joy. Now that the sun was up the whole forest seemed alive and the night’s fears had just washed away with the coming light. He was so relieved that Emerald had agreed to work with him. Now if only Felistia and Emerald would do the same.

In front of him pillars of rock towered over the jungle as he neared the coast.

Throughout the first few paragraphs, many of the sentences feel the same. I think this is mainly due to similar syntax structures. There are a couple instances of repeated first words which, while I doubt that they are the crux of the problem, don't help. Just try to vary sentence lengths, and it should flow better. The vividness of colors in the second paragraph was great. :D
“I could hear you’re noisy wing beats a mile away and see you through the vines. Have you seen how blatantly your black scales stand out against the sky? You look like a freaking bat flying around the Ice Talon kingdom. You should really work on your stealth skills during the day and talking about your stealth skills where were you last night. Why didn’t you come back last night for thunder bolts sake! You had us up all night worrying about you and then you come in here like nothing happened,” Shiraku roared, catapulting into Zoltar and knocking him to the floor. “You owe me a big apology,” Shiraku hissed, holding Zoltar down with her paws.

Mea's covered a lot of the dialogue already, but this paragraph stood out in particular. It's just a lot for the reader to digest. I would recommend splitting Shiraku's rant into multiple paragraphs somehow, to prevent it from being overwhelming. The dialogue tag and accompanying action also seems very abrupt, in stark contrast to the amount of dialogue. It might feel more logical if it were only attached to a small piece of it. There are similar problems in other places, but this instance caught my eye.

There are some minor punctuation errors throughout, but nothing that would change the whole meaning of a sentence.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading your work again. From what I've seen of your other chapters, your writing has improved a ton. :D Keep writing!




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Mon Feb 20, 2017 8:34 pm
IrisNight says...



HIIIIII!!! my name is MagicAce and I will try my best try review your work :I

so I no I have not read the first chapter and that you can start reading just ANYWARE but I am breaking that truth today!!............*starts crying* IT FEELS SO WRONG!!!

any way the grammatical mistakes have already bin taken care of by Mea not that their was that many so good for you!
and well I cant actually make this review that long sorry but I have to go to a basketball practice *sighs and slips down in chair*
oh well so here we go I need to stop talking about my life and get on with this review, sorry.
:I
I think you did great, so great that I would like you to link me the first chapter of this story so that way I can start their and hopefully give you a longer and better review :D
so just keep on writing and I promise I will give you a better review some other time okay, I am sorry.

have a wonderful day!!!





MagicAce out!




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. Here's the link Quest for Fire ~ Chapter 1 ~ The Island



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Tue Feb 14, 2017 11:21 am
Mea wrote a review...



What's this? Two reviews in one day? Astonishing, I know. :P

Okay, so I really like how everything's not all fine and dandy when Zoltar gets back, how there's a bunch of conflict between all four of them. Really, that's great and it feels very reasonable.

That being said, much of the dialogue feels very clunky, particularly Shiraku's. A lot of it is because it's rather on-the-nose - things like "I really want to bite you" and roaring being used a lot as a dialogue tag. Something to consider is that a lot of the time, when people are angry about something, they won't actually rant about what they're angry about, just what they think they're angry about. For example, a couple might have one partner complain about the other being too busy, when really they're jealous of their partners' success with their career. Considering these distinctions can add a lot of depth to your characters and dialogue.

With Shiraku in particular, she just felt over-the-top, although I get that she's angry because she was worried about Zoltar, which just makes me smile. With the others, it wasn't that it was out-of-character so much as it just reads awkwardly.

I have to say, though, I don't feel like Felistia in particular, and to some extent Shiraku too, would find it that unreasonable that Zoltar lied. The two of them are outcasts forced to live on the fringes of society with no support network, to put it slightly dramatically. Felistia in particular is definitely keeping some secrets about her past. They've only known Zoltar for two-ish days. Is it really that unreasonable for him to be less than forthcoming? I feel like either of them would be willing to lie to him if they had to.

Also, I thought it was great that Felistia and Shiraku have been stealing prey from the Wisp Talons. You'd think they'd just hunt in secret, but I have a feeling Shiraku would like to be showy about it. Plus, it provides a good reason for why Emerald thought Zoltar had been stealing food.

I noticed a lot of typos in this part, to the point it made everything feel more awkward and clunky. A lot of them were things like mixing up homophones - 'to's and 'too's and so forth.

And that's all I've got for this part! :D





Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and the shadows will fall beyond you.
— Walt Whitman