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Young Writers Society



Quest for Fire ~ Chapter 12 ~ History

by felistia


Zoltar woke the next morning to the sound of loud whispering. He lay there with his eyes closed, listening.

“What do you mean he’s coming,” a hoarse voice snarled which Zoltar identified as Shiraku’s.

“He can help us with the hunt. You know we haven’t been doing too well lately,” Felistia’s cool crystal voice reasoned.

“But we can’t trust him. He’s a Shadow Talon. I'm having enough trouble letting him sleep here.” Shiraku hissed with clear hatred. Zoltar winced. He detested that everyone didn’t trust Shadow Talons just because of what they’d done centuries ago. It wasn't like he'd been involved, but then it had been a horrific event and if he'd been in Shiraku's place he probably would have felt the same way.

“Well I trust him and I’m in charge, so if you’re not happy, go and find food on your own. I don’t know what you are moaning about anyway, we’re criminals and Zoltar seems to trust us, so why don’t you just give him a break.”

“Because he’s a Shadow Talon. You know what they did to the Sea Talons. They are about as trust worthy as snakes,” Shiraku growled, her voice loaded with enough venom to kill ten Exltrons.

“But that happened eons ago. I doubt the Shadow Talons even remember,” Felistia pushed.

“Fine, but if he tries anything to upset me, so help me I will kill him.”

Zoltar lay as still as possible, trying his best to look like he was asleep. He didn’t want Felistia or Shiraku to know that he’d been listening. He didn’t know how Shiraku would react to that and he didn’t want think about it.

“Shh, I think his waking up,” Shiraku hissed and there was the sound of claws hurriedly walking away.

Zoltar heaved a sigh as though he’d just woken up and opened his eyes. Felistia was curled up in the far corner and Shiraku was trying her hardest to look like she was engrossed picking grit out from between her claws.

The sun had already cleared the mountains and was rising fast, spreading its golden light over the forest.

“Oh, you’re up,” Felistia exclaimed, looking up. Shiraku snorted softly to herself.

Zoltar yawned and rubbed his eyes, “Are we still going hunting?” He wanted to be out and in the air as soon as possible. The last thing he needed was to hang around in the cave with Shiraku.

Shiraku’s paddle tail lashed violently, but her face didn’t change.

“Of course we’re still going hunting. Right Shiraku?” Felistia shot a quick look at Shiraku.

“Yes,” Shiraku mumbled unconvincingly. It looked like her paws were clinched.

“I’ll lead,” Felistia said, walking over to the cave entrance and pushing away the vines with her wings. A stream of sunlight burst through that gap, lighting up the cave and Shiraku’s scowling face. She got up and strode over to Felistia, her muscles rippling under her scales.

“Come on we’ll show you the island as well,” Felistia added as she leapt out the cave, closely followed be grumbling Shiraku.

Zoltar had a bad feeling about Shiraku and wondered whether she was safe to be around. He shrugged it off and dived after the Sea Talon's metallic blue tail.

As he flew over the forest Zoltar realized he hadn’t fully appreciated the island's beauty the day before, but now in the full light of the sun it was breath taking.

The trees were a sparkling emeralds and jades, each leaf was a different shade of green. Birds darted from tree to tree, their multi-coloured feathers brilliant splashes of colour against the bottle green backdrop. Tall pillars rows out of the forest like sticks out of sand. Their dappled grey sides streaked with feathery moss and fungi. Alps loomed over the jungle to the north and the thin outline of Megalonia could be seen to the south. One mountain towered over the rest and thin trails of dirty, white smoke seeped from the summit. The day was clear, but dark clouds were billowing behind the northern mountains like an omen for bad things to come. Zoltar’s gut twisted in a strange urge to seek cover.

Suddenly Felistia made a sharp dip towards the forest below and Zoltar brushed away the feeling. Shiraku’s azure wings shimmering in the open sun light as she tucked her wings and followed Felistia. Zoltar hovered before plunging after the Sea Talon. The green carpet rushed up to meet him and he splayed his talons and landed on the branch of a tall tree. The tree swayed under Zoltar’s weight for a few seconds before coming to a standstill. He clung to the branch and peered through the leaves to the forest floor below. Felistia and Shiraku were huddled under a large oak tree. They looked alarmed.

Zoltar spread his wings so that they billowed like thunder clouds and silently floated down beside them. The dry leaves crunched under his claws as he landed. Shiraku shot him a look of daggers and put a talon to her mouth and hissing a loud sshhh.

“What?” Zoltar mouthed, confused. Shiraku pointed in the direction of a pile of white sticks jutting out from the leaf litter. Zoltar realized that they were bones; a rib cage. He stalked slowly up to it, every muscle in his body poised to fight. He glanced at the shadows surrounding the small patch of light he was standing in. He swore he saw eyes gleaming out from the depths of the gloom.

Zoltar gently examined the bones. They had the same marks the Shadow Talons had had the day before, but they weren’t Shadow Talon bones. The eye sockets in the skull he uncover were too small and there were no horns.

“It’s a Sea Talon skeleton,” Zoltar called back to Felistia and Shiraku.

“You would know, Shadow Talon,” Shiraku growled, only just loud enough for Zoltar to hear.

Zoltar scowled. He was starting to get fed up of this. He hadn’t been part of the army evading the Sea Talon city, heck he hadn’t even been born. He knew that they were Sea Talon bones, because he’d studied every dragon species and their anatomy. It was a skill required in Shadow Talon soldiers. He really wanted to bite Shiraku.

He glanced at Shiraku, who was muttering to herself. She was a big dragon and could potentially kill him if he picked a fight.

He sighed. He would have to be patient and hold his temper. For some reason his thoughts wondered to the Wisp Talon he’d met the day before. She’s seem like quite a nice dragon, despite the tough act she’d put on. Zoltar found himself smiling as he thought about her. He wished he could see her again, but then that might be pushing it.

“It was Seria. She disappeared about two months ago. All we heard was a scream closely followed by thundering roar. We never saw her again, until now. It looks like she was caught by the Fangtar’s pet,” Felistia sighed from behind Zoltar.

Zoltar sniffed the air, something wasn’t right. It smelled too wet, like a storm was on its way. Zoltar looked around. The forest definitely looked darker.

“Ah, Felistia? How fast do the storms roll in here?” Zoltar asked nervously.

“Very fast. Now why don’t you come and help us bury Seria?” Shiraku hissed, scraping dry, orange leaves over the Sea Talon skull.

'Uh oh,' Zoltar thought, thinking about the clouds he’d seen behind the northern mountains.

Suddenly the still air seemed to tremble and a rumble shot through the forest, shaking the leaves on the trees. Mist snaked through the trees like serpents ready to strike. The shadows grew longer and there was another growl from the canopy. The sound of rain drumming on leaves fill Zoltar’s ears. The smell of wet earth swept up Zoltar’s snout and there was a flash of white, lighting up the sky above. A deafening crash followed.

“What do we do?” Zoltar asked, anxiously looking at the darkening sky.

“Fly!” Felistia shouted over the roaring gale, her yellow eyes wide with terror.

"Shouldn't we stake it out here?" Zoltar roared.

"No! The Fangtar’s beast will be out and hunting as soon as the storm hits," Felistia replied, jumping into the air.

Zoltar spread his wings and was almost knocked of his feet by a stray rush of wind. Flapping his wings in rapped sensation he struggled into the air closely followed by Shiraku.

Lightning flashed around them as they fought to stay aloft. Zoltar was gasping from exhaustion, his wings felt like wet blankets stuffed with iron. The wind howled louder with each passing moment, adding to their misery. Zoltar felt like he was drowning as the torrents of rain battered his face and back. Shiraku was rapidly losing altitude, her tail hanging limp behind her.

'She’s not going to make it,' Zoltar thought, watching Shiraku, 'So, leave her, she hates you. Why should you help her?' Zoltar’s other side asked, 'Because it will put me above the Shadow Talons she’s thinking about. If I leave her I’ll be just like the Shadow Talons that massacred the Sea Talon city and drove them to wonder the oceans.'

Zoltar swooped down after her, the rain almost blinding him as it smacked against his snout.

“Come on Shiraku don’t give up!” Zoltar roared over the thunder claps as he pulled up beside her.

“I can’t go on. Wings-too-heavy,” she panted dropping even lower.

“Felistia come help!” Zoltar shouted after Felistia, but the wind carried his voice away from her and she took no notice.

“We’re nearly there!” Zoltar cried sighting the cave a head.

Shiraku just gasp for air, her wings hardly beating. Now desperate, Zoltar dived with his talons outstretched. He wrapped his talons under her wings. With his final scrap of energy he pulled upward, flapping his wings in large arcs.

“Don’t touch me Shadow Talon!” Shiraku roared, struggling to get away from Zoltar’s grip, but he held on tight.

“Shut up and let me help you,” Zoltar thundered over the storm.

Zoltar heaved Shiraku into the cave’s entrance then collapsed in a heap next to her. He just made out the blurry image of Felistia hurrying toward them before he fainted, her worried voice ringing in his ears.


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Thu May 04, 2017 11:16 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D I really liked this chapter!!

I really liked the drama you started with in this chapter and how it framed the ending! That was a perfect conversation for Zoltar to eavesdrop and I was super glad that you showed what he was thinking about it while not having him react and do anything too dramatic. It furthered the tension between Shiraku and Zoltar and it's nice that Felistia is trying to include him and be nice (way to be felistia! :p)

So then they went hunting, but there wasn't any actual hunting. I get that they ended up discovering the bones and then they had to fly for their lives, but I'm wondering if it would be good to add in a little bit of the hunting before everything gets too crazy again. Unless this is going to become an issue in the next chapter (the fact that they have no food and they need food). I know you want to get right to the good stuff, but you can show us some of the "normal" moments too. Since these are dragons rather than people, everything they do will be a little different from how people would do it and these seemingly mundane tasks like hunting can become more exciting because I don't know how a dragon hunts. You know?

I loooove how you did Shiraku's personality in this chapter. I mean this:

“It’s a Sea Talon skeleton,” Zoltar called back to Felistia and Shiraku.

“You would know, Shadow Talon,” Shiraku growled, only just loud enough for Zoltar to hear.

Perfection!

When Zoltar sees the clouds rolling in and thinks hmmm this doesn't look good... he says something and they confirm yeah it's bad. But no one does anything until it's too late. Do the others not notice the clouds until it's too late because they're so worried about burying this sea talon or what?

And the Fangtar’s beast???? I thought the Fangtar was the beast :o :o This doesn't sound good at all!

I looooved that Zoltar helped Shiraku in the end. I figured he would because he's a good person (dragon. whatever :p). Like I said in the beginning, I thought that was nice framing by beginning the chapter with Shiraku being like ew I don't like him or trust him and then ending with Zoltar saving his life!

This probably wasn't the most helpful review in the world, but I thought this was a pretty good chapter! If my memory isn't mistaken this scene wasn't in the last draft. I'm enjoying all of your changes so far and I'm excited to keep reading on! As always let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention! :D




felistia says...


Thank you so much for another review. I look forward to the next one. :D



felistia says...


P.S how's my dialogue. That was were I was lacking in the last draft and I really tried to get it better in this draft. Can you point out where I need to improve?



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Tue Feb 21, 2017 8:41 pm
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey-o!

I really like Shiraku's bitterness in this chapter, as well as how it connects to the whole history of the Shadow Talon's (probably why she has been so bitter!).

The part where they found the Sea Talon's skeleton - Seria, poor dragon - was pretty interesting, and a pretty realistic way of throwing them off their hunt. It also shows hints of the Exltron and what it's capable of - something the readers wouldn't actually think about, but they absorb the information (if that makes any sense).

However, like Mea said below, the whole introduction of the backstory of the Shadow Talons seems pretty sudden. Even very faint and subtle hints in previous chapters would be nice to make this seem less sudden. They don't even have to be big hints - this chapter can still be sort of the outright reveal of the evil act the Shadow Talons have apparently done, but hints nonetheless. I wouldn't omit this whole idea, though, because I'm sure it comes up later as well as it helps develop Zoltar's and Shiraku's relationship.

I'm curious as to how long the dragons can go without food. I remember from the last chapter Felistia mentions she hasn't caught anything in two days. And since dragons are big (I'm guessing these guys are big) as well as the fact that they fly a lot (and Zoltar has especially had a lot of action) probably means that they're using a ton of energy. It's kind of a small thing, but thought I'd point it out. (I actually just looked up how long some animals can go without food, and fun fact: crocodiles can go for three years).

Mea mentioned the comma splices, and I'm actually going to add on that there are some places where there feels like there's a missing comma. For example:

“Come on Shiraku don’t give up!”


Adding some commas before and after Shiraku may sound more natural - especially since, in this instance, they're flying as fast as they can (and it seems like their words may be breathier or slower).

Keep writing!

~EternalRain




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Thu Feb 09, 2017 10:15 pm
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Mea wrote a review...



Good morning! (Well probably evening for you.)

He detested that everyone didn’t trust Shadow Talons just because of what they’d done centuries ago.

So ooh, conflict. You're a lot more subtle about introducing the history and relations between the species of dragons here than in previous chapters, which is great, and Shiraku's attitude feels pretty reasonable.

That being said, this turn of events, with the Shadow Talons being seen as evil, feels like it came out of nowhere. Felistia didn't act like that when she first met him. More importantly, the Howler Dragons didn't seem to think the Shadow Talons were at all bad. And even Shiraku didn't seem to dislike him at first because of that reason, but just because she's generally grumpy/unfriendly. I'm not saying take this out, but it's a big, important part of the way the Shadow Talons see themselves, and it needs to be seeded into the story earlier.

Also, I can't help but wonder how the Shadow Talons managed to drive the Sea Talons out of an underwater kingdom. I mean, they don't have the abilities Sea Talons do. Unless it wasn't an underwater kingdom? That's what I thought it was from your map, and an underwater kingdom is really cool. Oh, and depending on how long dragons' lifespans are, it might be a good idea to make it a little more recent that that happened. Not because of the Sea Talons holding the grudge "too long" since it's pretty believable they would, but for the Shadow Talons feeling so collectively guilty over it. If none of them or their grandparents did it, the atrocity is removed enough from them that they're a lot less likely to be anything but annoyed at the continued stigma.

I haven't really commented on grammar a lot, but it is still rather inconsistent throughout. Probably the biggest culprit is comma splices, where you run two sentences together with only a comma in between. If they're two independent clauses, meaning they have a subject and a verb and aren't prepositional phrases, they need to either be joined with a comma+conjunction or just be two sentences. This is one article I always recommend to explain commas, and there's a lot more great resources elsewhere if you're still having trouble. Other than that, you'll sometimes use the wrong word, probably because of autocorrect picking the wrong thing. Those don't get picked up by spellcheckers, so you'll have to read really closely.

I really liked how he decided to help Shiraku - it's very important and very in character.

And that's all I've got!




felistia says...


Thank you for another review. I'll get to editing right away. I'm falling behind. :D




It's crazy how your life can be twisted upside down inside out and around and you can get sushi from safeway still looking like a normal person
— starchild314