Everywhere I go, every ship I sail,
Every boat I row, everyone I fail:
There, oh there, I can see your face --
There, oh there, is my living grace.
Every choice I'd make, every oath I'd break,
Every penny I'd stake in every one of my mistakes:
There, oh there, I engrave your face --
There, oh there, is my dying grace.
The skies open and they're blue,
The oceans swerve in their hue,
The morning grass carves out dew,
Obfuscating lies and what's true;
Even then, every time I view
Every face reminds me of you;
Both Devil and God I can sue
But woe is me and I still rue
For I can't see who is who --
Haunts me the face that spoke, "I do."
Every sign on every highway,
Every post on every byway,
Every musical on the Broadway
Can attest that I begged, "Please stay."
Perhaps a quarrel gone wrong, a friend too fond,
Maybe a book suggested, a magical wand --
I was never truly told what it was you scorned,
Was it just me? Was it doomed even when it formed?
I know not why I write this refrain,
I know not why truth inflicts pain,
I know not why love is a bane --
But I see your face in every stain.
Every car that rushes by, every horn that honks on me,
Every fare that blares by, every stumble that pushes on me,
Every one of them, everyone I say!
You can't be everywhere, my eyes must bewray!
A thousand years, a hundred years, or is it just ten?
Five years -- or no, was it three or is it two since then?
There, oh there, I can see your face... so plain...
There, oh there, I can't see you... ever again.
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137,429 Literary Works • 672,015 Reviews
Hey there, Rebel. Alex needed a break from studying (wdym I've barely started for the day?) so I'd thought I'd review this poem that I've had my eye on, for quite some time now. Let's dive right in ~
One clearly commendable bit about this work is its coherency. The theme is kept relevant and anchored despite the very rigid and challenging rhyme scheme. It's rewarding to read, but I can only imagine how tough it must've been to pull off as successfully as you did. I do believe such poems of longing are better expressed in free verse but this one was a fine consolation. The subtle repetition of certain ideas was a sight for sore eyes (such as nature, roads and time). I've struggled with grasping the elements of your poetry in the past, but this poem was far more simple and adjusted to the taste of the dumber audience with easier vocabulary and a straightforward concept. You really outdid yourself with this one!
Oh my, impeccable!! The contrast is incredibly striking and symbolic of changing situations with time. A treat, really. Just a tiny nitpick- I think it came a little too early as in the reader isn't ready for its impact just yet. Too much brilliance too soon can spoil your reader to an extent that you might fail to keep up to later, so be careful.
This part is my favourite, because of the deep meaning these lines carry. So poetic and philosophical! Pulled me right in the narrative.
Nature breaking illusions, beautiful!
Roads to portray longing was certainly a creative on your end, and really livened the setting in a refreshing way for me.
Oh, shattering!!! Relatable and so simply put..
It could've sounded repetitive but instead establishes doubt and a downward spiral as one loses recollection of the passed time. Clever!
The ending is certainly befitting, and captures the overall tone perfectly. It feels like a desperate chant in memory of a face that's unforgettable and meant so much more to the poet than anything else. The details really make it personal and the vulnerability is very obviously portrayed. Excellent job!
This part though, I'd like to point out. Both this lines were relevant and worked fine, but I believe could be delivered a whole lot better. I get that you're doing that best with the rhyme scheme you've chosen but it's failures fall on your own shoulders, alongwith the the compliments. I don't have any potential recommendations as of now but you might want to keep these in mind until it strikes your mind..
That's all I have for now. It was my pleasure reviewing, keep writing and hope to do this again soon enough. Until next time~
Love,
Alex
Continuing the replies --
I was in a really horrible mental state when I wrote this, and I remember writing this in like half an hour in a trance of sorts. I do not have any idea how it is this well-structured, I guess my subconscious is a better poet than me lol
Once again, I will thank you for your high praise, I hope your studies and tests and practicals and everything else in general went well! :p
Your sincerely,
The Rebel
There is a certain catharsis in not clicking "this is review"
I really like the first two stanzas. Again I have a thought of melody in my head for them :3
I don’t rly like this line though: “The oceans swerve in their hue,” especially because the previous one is so neat!
Oh this one is also interesting! “Both Devil and God I can sue”
Love that the refrain-like stanza ends with “please stay”
Aww “truth inflicts pain”
Thanks for sharing :3
Thanks for the lovely comments, Tikaya!
I am so sorry I haven't gone around to replying to you yet, my brain seems to have a general writer's block about Nine atm so much so that I don%u2019t feel like doing anything related to it for some reason. Probably because my exams aren%u2019t over yet but oh well.
About the poem, I thought oceans swerving in their hue just added a blue ocean to the blue sky image elicited in the precious line, but oh well, to each their own. Thanks again! :p
gosh, this is such a whimsical poem in its tone & rhymes that manages to use ellipses to steady itself as it goes to make the pain of the lines and overall disorientation truly shine. while many rhymes here are typical to prompt up each other, they're still engaging as they have a purpose beyond just simple rhyming, and are meant to add to how your brain jumps to the next thing to the next to figure out the meaning between what's happening. personally, i feel it's really easy for ellipses to not work in poetry, but to my surprise the usage goes nice here! this was a pleasant read!!
Thanks for the review, lalalucky!
I didn't really think about it as 'whimsical', but I see what you mean.
Hi Rebel! I'm here for the Lucky Green Room Challenge to review your lyrics!
☘ 1st Leaf: First Impressions & Initial Thoughts
My first impression of this song is that it is from the pov of a person that desperately misses the subject and yet they see their face in everything around them because they have some un-closed grief or love for them that was never resolved. The song continues to dig into all the different places they see their face and by the end the reader understands just how all encompassing this love/obsession has become for them. At the end the song ends dramatically revealing they can see their face in everything but can't see you ever again. Making me wonder... have they died? or just broken up? What's the reason they can't reach out?
☘ 2nd Leaf: Critique & Points of Confusion
Lyrically there seemed to be a nice amount of line - I felt a couple words felt forced / unnatural in the context of the poem "Obfuscating" and "bewray"...
In the case of "obfuscating" - I don't exactly understand what is saying in this context and I think it's going to throw some readers / listeners off. Maybe "hiding" instead?
In the case of "bewray" I feel like that is a super archaic verb, that felt a little off for the context as well. Perhaps you meant "betray"?
A point of development for the lyrics might be giving more insight into exactly why they broke up - I feel like the lyrics danced around it a little too much, there was lie? but what was it about?
☘ 3rd Leaf: Details & Favorite Lines
The strongest part of the lyrics I felt were when you got into the imagery a bit more.
These were my favorite lines:
I also liked the building drama up to the closing verse - it felt like that had a lot of ooomph in the ending of emotion there.
☘ 4th Leaf: Theories & Questions
And another point of development - the lyrics are all about "their face" but I don't think you actually describe the face at all - don't be afraid to add some specificity to add personality and concreteness to your lyrics for readers to connect.
The speaker seems to be a little uncertain what caused the break-up in relationship - it makes me as a reader curious about that - and also adds to reason behind them still lingering on this long-gone love later.
Hope this was helpful! Thanks for sharing!
alliyah
Thanks for the review, alliyah!
The point of the poem is that it is supposed to be have an interpretive ending, like the poem does not confirm anything but applies to almost everything. It starts with an archaic tone and register and ends with common stuff like highways, so that the narrator feels timeless and confused. That's the very point of the poem, it's to show a heartbroken man who doesn't understand what's going on. Thanks for the review tho