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An Odyssey of Love

by TheRebel2007


"A thing of beauty is a joy forever," -
They say as I pulled the trigger
Of the gun that fires bullets of love -
As I aimed upon your bosom's cove.

The bullet was fired and it swirled
Along its way, it smoothly whirled -
It almost managed to hit you, but,
At that moment you pruned my heart.

What to say of your clever trick?
As you put fire upon my heart's wick -
Of whose dull light I was able to see
Your shining face that smiled upon me.

I look at you and I find -
Your magic has kept me entwined
On a boat, whose oars you hold,
In a narrow river to which you rowed.

Along the banks there is a great forest
That endarkened everything, but, except
Your smiling face that still shone upon me
As you rowed into a giant sea.

As you rowed, I spotted a speckle of light, 
That started to spread across the night sky -
And it grew into more and more of phenomenon
Till I was blasted by its light battalion.

Suddenly I realized that I was freed
From the magic that you did
I was a little perplexed at this emancipation
But did I realize that the magic became emotion?

You took away your hands from the oars
And suddenly the sea started to roar -
And I fell off the boat - into the ocean 
But what happened next was not my expectation!

The water was honey, sugar was the salt
And suddenly I realized what was it all!
The ocean's your love, your passion - the lights -
I might die of love - but I'll never forget the sight.


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Tue Sep 14, 2021 1:28 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi Rebel! As a heads up, I don't typically review poetry, but I'll still try to give some thoughts to help you improve your poem ^^

First of all, I think you have some really nice imagery throughout the piece. You use some strong nature-like imagery in the middle to end of the piece to describe the narrator going on an adventure with their partner. It gives it a mystical feeling, as well as emphasizing the out of control/unknown aspect of falling in love with someone.

However, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the rhyme in this piece. Writing good rhyme in a poem can be really difficult, and what threw me off is it doesn't feel like there is a consistent rhyming scheme. In some stanzas, you have AABB, where both pairs of lines rhyme, but in others only the first or second pair rhyme. In my opinion, if you're trying to have a rhyme in your poem, because it can mess up the reader's flow when a rhyme is missed or doesn't sound quite right.

Also, if you'd like a couple more tips on how to write good rhyme in poetry (or just generally some things to watch out for), here is a good resource from the poetry knoweldge base!

The other suggestion that I have for you is to potentially focus the imagery of the poem. I think both the first three stanzas and the rest of the poem have some strong imagery, as mentioned before. The idea of love being some kind of weapon (like a gun) is something I've seen before, but it's a slightly uncommon way of portraying love that I would be interested in reading more about. However, I feel like that idea isn't explored through the rest of the poem. It is instead shed in favor of the narrator going on the river where the partner is in control, which is also good in and of itself, but I don't see how the two of them fit together. I think the piece overall would be stronger if you either focused on one and expanded or you managed to call back to each part within the other.

Overall though, you have some strong ideas, and you've succeeded in leading the reader down a journey about love. Let me know if you have any questions about my review. :)

Happy writing!
~ Wolfe

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TheRebel2007 says...


Thanks for the review, Wolfe! Um, I do think the poem has got an AABB pattern, but yes, the syllables are a little off (a lot actually, in some parts), I have to work on them. And the poem is basically a series of imagery set line by line, the gun line is led to the line where the narrator's love pruned their heart and when they wake up, they see that they are in a boat and so on. Thank you again! :p



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Tue Sep 14, 2021 12:47 am
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Plume wrote a review...



Hey there, and happy RevMo! Plume here, with a review!

This was such a great poem! I think your imagery and figurative language was strong, and your narrative was simultaneously just vague enough but also straightforward enough to be understood without too much effort but not so matter-of-fact that it doesn't feel like a poem anymore. I think you totally nailed the figurative and the literal aspects of the poem.

One thing I enjoyed was your flow. I think there were some parts where the syllables were a little off and the rhymes weren't entirely true rhymes, but regardless, for the most part, you did a nice job of keeping the rhythm consistent throughout the poem. I especially loved how much the narrative added to the flow along with the cadence of the lines. The progression of imagery and the way the meaning of the words allowed the overall feeling to swell as the poem continued was truly masterful.

I also think your imagery was very compelling. The "light battalion" you described was absolutely superb and the "fire upon my heart's wick" was also a great line. The repeated imagery towards light and reflection and fire worked really nicely to sell that explosive love message that as in this. Combined with your voice (which I also think was a very strong aspect of this poem) it served to make the poem engaging and delightful.

Specifics

"A thing of beauty is a joy forever," -
They say as I pulled the trigger


I love the contrast you present with these two lines. Right away, I'm super intrigued, and it serves you well for the rest of the poem, setting the scene and tone.

The water was honey, sugar was the salt
And suddenly I realized what was it all!
The ocean's your love, your passion - the lights -
I might die of love - but I'll never forget the sight.


I just wanted to comment on how much I liked your last stanza; it did such a great job of tying the piece together as a whole, and the flow and rhyming of it worked really well.

Overall: great job! I really enjoyed reading this poem, and I hope to read more of your work in the future! Until next time!!




TheRebel2007 says...


Thanks for the review, Plume! :p



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Mon Sep 13, 2021 11:25 pm
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vampricone6783 wrote a review...



What a beautiful poem! Your description beautifully explains perfectly the meaning of love and how it can change us for the better.My favorite lines were these last ones:”The water was honey,sugar was the salt and suddenly I realized what was it all! The Ocean’s your love,your passion-the lights-I might die of love-but I’ll never forget the sight.” This is showing us that no matter what,We’ll always choose love,even if it blinds us.Because in the end,it’s what we want.Good Job!




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Sun Sep 12, 2021 7:23 pm
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zippyzonks says...



powerful poem! 😌 lovely writing skills, love the pace. keep it up!




TheRebel2007 says...


Thanks! :p




"It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small."
— Neil Armstrong