Young Writers Society

Hi Rebel! As a heads up, I don't typically review poetry, but I'll still try to give some thoughts to help you improve your poem ^^

First of all, I think you have some really nice imagery throughout the piece. You use some strong nature-like imagery in the middle to end of the piece to describe the narrator going on an adventure with their partner. It gives it a mystical feeling, as well as emphasizing the out of control/unknown aspect of falling in love with someone.

However, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the rhyme in this piece. Writing good rhyme in a poem can be really difficult, and what threw me off is it doesn't feel like there is a consistent rhyming scheme. In some stanzas, you have AABB, where both pairs of lines rhyme, but in others only the first or second pair rhyme. In my opinion, if you're trying to have a rhyme in your poem, because it can mess up the reader's flow when a rhyme is missed or doesn't sound quite right.

Also, if you'd like a couple more tips on how to write good rhyme in poetry (or just generally some things to watch out for), here is a good resource from the poetry knoweldge base!

The other suggestion that I have for you is to potentially focus the imagery of the poem. I think both the first three stanzas and the rest of the poem have some strong imagery, as mentioned before. The idea of love being some kind of weapon (like a gun) is something I've seen before, but it's a slightly uncommon way of portraying love that I would be interested in reading more about. However, I feel like that idea isn't explored through the rest of the poem. It is instead shed in favor of the narrator going on the river where the partner is in control, which is also good in and of itself, but I don't see how the two of them fit together. I think the piece overall would be stronger if you either focused on one and expanded or you managed to call back to each part within the other.

Overall though, you have some strong ideas, and you've succeeded in leading the reader down a journey about love. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.

Happy writing!
~ Wolfe


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Hey there, and happy RevMo! Plume here, with a review!

This was such a great poem! I think your imagery and figurative language was strong, and your narrative was simultaneously just vague enough but also straightforward enough to be understood without too much effort but not so matter-of-fact that it doesn't feel like a poem anymore. I think you totally nailed the figurative and the literal aspects of the poem.

One thing I enjoyed was your flow. I think there were some parts where the syllables were a little off and the rhymes weren't entirely true rhymes, but regardless, for the most part, you did a nice job of keeping the rhythm consistent throughout the poem. I especially loved how much the narrative added to the flow along with the cadence of the lines. The progression of imagery and the way the meaning of the words allowed the overall feeling to swell as the poem continued was truly masterful.

I also think your imagery was very compelling. The "light battalion" you described was absolutely superb and the "fire upon my heart's wick" was also a great line. The repeated imagery towards light and reflection and fire worked really nicely to sell that explosive love message that as in this. Combined with your voice (which I also think was a very strong aspect of this poem) it served to make the poem engaging and delightful.

Specifics

"A thing of beauty is a joy forever," -
They say as I pulled the trigger

The water was honey, sugar was the salt
And suddenly I realized what was it all!
The ocean's your love, your passion - the lights -
I might die of love - but I'll never forget the sight.

What a beautiful poem! Your description beautifully explains perfectly the meaning of love and how it can change us for the better.My favorite lines were these last ones:”The water was honey,sugar was the salt and suddenly I realized what was it all! The Ocean’s your love,your passion-the lights-I might die of love-but I’ll never forget the sight.” This is showing us that no matter what,We’ll always choose love,even if it blinds us.Because in the end,it’s what we want.Good Job!

powerful poem! 😌 lovely writing skills, love the pace. keep it up!